Gregory’s Bible Stories: Abram Gets a Sweet Deal

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Today in Sunday School Gregory learned about what happened when Abram and Lot decided to go their separate ways after getting kicked out of Egypt.  Gregory couldn’t help imagining how everything might have happened.

GregoryThe Lord Gives Abram a Sweet Deal!

In last week’s lesson, Abram became the Lord’s new favorite person, and the only thing Abram had to do to maintain his status, as such, was move to Canaan and have  cart-loads of kids which in those days were called descendants.

But first Abram took a detour to Egypt where he told the Egyptian King it was okay for him to sleep with his sister who was really his wife causing the Lord to fire up his smiter and smite the Egyptian king with a biblical disease from The Lord’s Big Book of Biblical Diseases.

Long story short,  Abram and his wife, Sarai and his nephew, Lot, had to schlep all the way back to Caanan  carrying all the riches they managed to wheedle out of the Egyptian king once the Egyptian King gave them the ol’ pharaoh heave ho.

Then Abram and his nephew, Lot, started up a company called  “Just Goats!” conveniently located just off the cart path between Bethel and Ai.

Abram and Sarai looking at a goat or a sheep

Everything was going great until Lot started messing with the business plan:

Lot:  Hey Uncle Abram, besides offering a senior discount for anybody over 600, I was thinking since we’ve got all these camels running around, we should start selling camels in addition to goats.

Abram:  Camels are disgusting. Nobody wants a camel.

Lot:  We could say they are super-sized goats.  Nobody will ever know the difference!

Abram:  Nobody wants a super-sized goat that’s really a camel.

Lot:  Then would you mind if I took the camels and opened my own business in beautiful downtown Sodom?

Abram:  You can do anything you want with those stupid camels as long as I don’t have to clean up after them.

Lot:  That won’t be a problem, Uncle, because everybody knows what happens in Sodom stays in Sodom, ha ha!  Get it?

Abram:  Sorry, I’m not much of a laugher.

So Lot took the camels and headed off for the Jordan Valley and Abram stayed in the land of Caanan with the Caananites and the Perizzites — a  pretzel-loving parasitic people.

As soon as Lot was out of hearing range, the Lord said to Abram:

Lord: From where you are look carefully in all directions — because I am going to give you all the land you see!

Abram:  Wow!  Thanks!  Would you mind if I got up on the roof first?

The Lord:  I am going to give you so many descendants that no one will be able to count them all!

Abram:  Uh, I’m not big on kids.  I mean the babies are cute — but as we all know, they eventually turn into teenagers.

The Lord:  It would be as easy to count all the specks of dust on earth!

Abram:  Are we still talking about kids?  I hope not.

The Lord:  Now go and look over the whole land because I am going to give it all to you!

Abram:  Gosh thanks, but would it possible to still get the land but maybe fewer kids?  Hello?  Lord? Hello?  Hello?

When the Lord quit answering  Abram’s calls, he decided to make the best of things by moving his goats, his slaves and his wife to a place called Mamre at Hebron.

There Abram build an altar to the Lord and hung out his  “Just Goats” shingle.  Then he settled into the long process  finding babysitters, interviewing nannies and building a cart-load of boarding schools.

And that concludes our bible story for today, Dear Readers.  Please remember to check back next week to see what happens.

Abram's descendants

Until next time . . . I love you













55 thoughts on “Gregory’s Bible Stories: Abram Gets a Sweet Deal

  1. They went separate ways?! I didn’t even know Abram and Lot were dating! I hope Abram had a sweet healthcare plan with all those “descendants.”

    I tried camel meat once. Seriously. It was rank.

    • Ha! I think Abram and Lot were just friends with business benefits. Although you never know, it is the bible after all. But if you’re best buds with the Lord you probably don’t need a healthcare plan.

      You ate a camel? I’d love to hear the story behind that, Mark. Please tell me that you walked a mile for it.

      • I didn’t eat “A” camel! Good Lord. Camel meat was on the appetizer menu at a restaurant in Astoria, Queens, so I tried it. It was truly, deeply, awful. It tasted like it fell on the floor on the way to my table, was kicked under the rug, retrieved and then put back on my plate.

  2. I think Lot was the original creator of Big Lots.

    Abram probably had his tubes tied but didn’t realize The Lord would have just made more peeps outta his ribs. Oy!

    • Ahahaha! I wish I would have thought of Big Lots! I guess in biblical days men did have their tubes tied. Probably because everything was all catywampus back then.

  3. A little earlier I was on a Christian fellow’s site. Seems he was all riled up over the movie Noah.
    I and another infidel pointed out to him that his video only made us interested in seeing the movie. From what I saw on the guy’s video, it looks pretty good. Don’t know if that helps Gregory any. He may be adverse to controversy.

    • I went to see Noah. I actually thought it was pretty entertaining except for the watchers which looked like the rock people on Neverending Story. But it was good. They changed the story up from in the bible, but so far I don’t think God’s too mad about it because, we’re still here. (Although it did rain quite a bit last week . . . )

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