Gregory’s Bible Stories: Sodom and Gomorrah Chamber of Commerce

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories!

Today in Sunday school Gregory gave an oral report on how Lot’s family manged to escape the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah and their Chamber of Commerce mixer.gregory

 

 Escaping The Sodom and Gomorrah Chamber of Commerce Mixer

One biblical evening in Sodom when Lot, his wife, Betty, and his two daughters, Mary Magdalene Kate and Ashley were about to sit down to feast with two of God’s best-looking angels, an angry mob began pounding on Lot’s door.

Lot:  Who is it?

Angry mob:  Tis us– the Sodom and Gomorrah Chamber of Commerce. We came to get God’s two best-looking angels and take them to our Sodom and Gomorrah Chamber of Commerce mixer.

Best Looking Angel #1:  Would you mind telling them, Lot,  that we’d rather die but thanks anyway?

Best Looking Angel #2:  Oh and speaking of dying, Lot,  I almost forgot our whole reason for coming.  HA!   The Lord sent us to get you and your relatives out of Sodom and Gomorrah before He pushes His almighty destruction button and turns it to Smithereens.

Lot:   Smithereens?  Are you sure you don’t mean Nazarenes?

BLA #2:  No.  You see the Lord is going to wipe Sodom and Gomorrah off the face of the planet.

Lot:  What’s a planet?

BLA#2:  Oy!  Okay let me put it in a way you’re more likely to understand.  How would you like to hear a Sodom and Gomorrah knock knock joke?

Lot:  Sure.

BLA #2:  Knock knock

Lot:  Who’s there

BLA#2:  Armageddon

Lot:  Armageddon who?

BLA#2:  Armageddon through to you?  If the Lord destroys Sodom and Gomorrah, you’ll be toast!

Lot:  But I love toast. Shall I let the Sodom and Gomorrah Chamber of Commerce in now?

Suddenly one of the angels looked into the sky and saw that it was partly cloudy with a 90 percent chance of burning sulfur rain.   So they took the hands of  Lot and his wife and daughters and lead them out of the city of Sodom and told them to run for their lives up into the mountains lest they become toast.

Lot:  But my feet are killing me as my sandals have no arch support.  Couldn’t we just go to that little town up ahead?

The Lord:  (this is where the Lord decided to get in on the conversation):  All right, I agree.  I won’t destroy that town.  Hurry Run!  I can’t do anything until you get there.

The sun was rising when Lot and his family schlepped into the little town that Lot had renamed Zoar on the way there because he thought Zoar meant “little town”  but it really meant “good arch support” but nobody had the heart to tell him that.

Everybody wanted to watch as the Lord rained down burning sulfur on the city of Sodom and Gomorrah but nobody did except for Betty who instantly turned into a pillar of salt — which of course left Lot feeling horrible.

After that, Lot was  forced to grieve alone as there were even fewer support groups for Pillar of Salt Widowers than there are today.

Luckily Lot was able to finally recover from his grief and went on to become a charter member of the Zoar Chamber of Commerce where he made sure toast was served at all the mixers.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School. Stay tuned next week to find out what Gregory learns next.

Until next time . . . I love you

a picture of Sodom and Gomorrah

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Abram Gets a Sweet Deal

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Today in Sunday School Gregory learned about what happened when Abram and Lot decided to go their separate ways after getting kicked out of Egypt.  Gregory couldn’t help imagining how everything might have happened.

GregoryThe Lord Gives Abram a Sweet Deal!

In last week’s lesson, Abram became the Lord’s new favorite person, and the only thing Abram had to do to maintain his status, as such, was move to Canaan and have  cart-loads of kids which in those days were called descendants.

But first Abram took a detour to Egypt where he told the Egyptian King it was okay for him to sleep with his sister who was really his wife causing the Lord to fire up his smiter and smite the Egyptian king with a biblical disease from The Lord’s Big Book of Biblical Diseases.

Long story short,  Abram and his wife, Sarai and his nephew, Lot, had to schlep all the way back to Caanan  carrying all the riches they managed to wheedle out of the Egyptian king once the Egyptian King gave them the ol’ pharaoh heave ho.

Then Abram and his nephew, Lot, started up a company called  “Just Goats!” conveniently located just off the cart path between Bethel and Ai.

Abram and Sarai looking at a goat or a sheep

Everything was going great until Lot started messing with the business plan:

Lot:  Hey Uncle Abram, besides offering a senior discount for anybody over 600, I was thinking since we’ve got all these camels running around, we should start selling camels in addition to goats.

Abram:  Camels are disgusting. Nobody wants a camel.

Lot:  We could say they are super-sized goats.  Nobody will ever know the difference!

Abram:  Nobody wants a super-sized goat that’s really a camel.

Lot:  Then would you mind if I took the camels and opened my own business in beautiful downtown Sodom?

Abram:  You can do anything you want with those stupid camels as long as I don’t have to clean up after them.

Lot:  That won’t be a problem, Uncle, because everybody knows what happens in Sodom stays in Sodom, ha ha!  Get it?

Abram:  Sorry, I’m not much of a laugher.

So Lot took the camels and headed off for the Jordan Valley and Abram stayed in the land of Caanan with the Caananites and the Perizzites — a  pretzel-loving parasitic people.

As soon as Lot was out of hearing range, the Lord said to Abram:

Lord: From where you are look carefully in all directions — because I am going to give you all the land you see!

Abram:  Wow!  Thanks!  Would you mind if I got up on the roof first?

The Lord:  I am going to give you so many descendants that no one will be able to count them all!

Abram:  Uh, I’m not big on kids.  I mean the babies are cute — but as we all know, they eventually turn into teenagers.

The Lord:  It would be as easy to count all the specks of dust on earth!

Abram:  Are we still talking about kids?  I hope not.

The Lord:  Now go and look over the whole land because I am going to give it all to you!

Abram:  Gosh thanks, but would it possible to still get the land but maybe fewer kids?  Hello?  Lord? Hello?  Hello?

When the Lord quit answering  Abram’s calls, he decided to make the best of things by moving his goats, his slaves and his wife to a place called Mamre at Hebron.

There Abram build an altar to the Lord and hung out his  “Just Goats” shingle.  Then he settled into the long process  finding babysitters, interviewing nannies and building a cart-load of boarding schools.

And that concludes our bible story for today, Dear Readers.  Please remember to check back next week to see what happens.

Abram's descendants

Until next time . . . I love you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gregory’s Vacation Bible School: The Twelve Disciples Coloring Book

Welcome Dear Readers!  This week Gregory was attending vacation bible school which is just like Sunday School only with a lot more coloring.  

Let’s see what Gregory got to color this week, shall we?

 Gregory Brings Home The Twelve Disciples Coloring Book!

One day while Jesus was soaking up some rays at the sea of Galilee, he saw some fishing ships.  Well this gave Jesus an idea!

He would make all the fishermen he saw, fishers of men!  So He got busy recruiting twelve disciples.

So color along with us as we open the pages of the Twelve Disciples Coloring Book!

Simon was one of the first fishermen Jesus recruited.  He belonged to a sect called the Zealot Club where they spent a lot of time poo-pooing taxation and throwing darts at pictures of Pontius Pilate.

Simon

"Oops!  Let me try it again.  How about two out of three?"
“Okay, this one’s going right between his beady little eyes.  Oops!  How about two out of three?”

Andrew was known as the “introducer” because he introduced his brother, Simon to Jesus.  He and Simon owned a fishing business, and Andrew did all the marketing.

Andrew

Andrew
“Nice to meet ya! Hey, don’t forget to grab a business card before you leave!”

Bartholomew was in Jesus’s top six.  Jesus recognized Bartholomew as a man of imagination and vision.  Plus he had epically big guns!

Bartholomew

"Would you believe I only work out twice a week!"
And I only work out twice a week!”

Then there was John. Besides being one of Jesus’s favorites disciples, John was the first person to recognize Jesus after Jesus resurrected. He later went on to write a  bestseller called “The Revelations”.

John

"Hey, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that Jesus?'
“Hey, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that Jesus over there?’

Then there was John’s brother, James.  James was one of the three disciples who made up Jesus’s inner circle.  James was the first disciple to succumb to martyrdom which in those days was fatal.

James

"A martyr?  Me?  Well what exactly does that entail?"
“A martyr? Me? Well what exactly does that entail?”

Another Disciple of Jesus’s was also named James.  Everybody called him James the Less because he was younger than the other James.  He kept telling everyone to call him Jimmy but it just never stuck.

James the Less

"Hey James the Lesser!  Bring us some bread.""Not unless you call me Jimmy."
“Hey James the Less! Bring us some bread.”
“Not unless you call me Jimmy!”

Peter (or maybe Simon)

Peter’s name was actually Simon but everybody called him Peter for short except for Jesus who called him “The Rock” or possibly “Rocky” because of his  immovable faith.  And yet, after Jesus got arrested, Peter denied he knew Jesus three times until he heard a rooster crow which reminded him that oh yeah he did know Jesus after all!  Duh!

Peter “The Rock” Simon

Wait a minute . . . now that I think about it, I cock-a-doodle do know Jesus!"
Wait a minute . . . now that I think about it, I cock-a-doodle DO know Jesus!”

Another disciple was Thomas, who was cursed with the nagging doubts that are produced when an individual has low self-esteem combined with being a stickler for details. After Jesus was resurrected, Thomas refused to believe it until Jesus showed him the  nail prints and two pieces ID.

Thomas

" . . . uh . . . .hmmm. . .  uh"
“Well uh . . .hmm!”

Then there was Jude.  Not to be confused with Judas.  Jude was the least famous of the disciples except for maybe James the Less who was Jude’s brother. Jude was the introverted disciple who never raised his hand and who laughed at everybody’s jokes but never made any himself.

Jude

Jude
“And that’s why the chicken crossed the road? Hahaha! Get out! That’s hilarious!

One of the disciples was Mathew, who was the richest of the disciples before he gave up everything to follow Jesus.  He was a tax collector and was good with details.  Mathew always had a pencil in his had and took it upon himself to write down everything Jesus said word for word. Everybody thought he was hard of hearing because he was always asking Jesus, “What was that again?”

Matthew

"Can you say that one more time only slower?"
“Can you say that one more time,  Jesus, only slower?”

And finally there was Judas.  Judas was the disciple who said all the right things but who was slightly sketchy. But nobody suspected just how sketchy until after Jesus got arrested and suddenly Judas had 30 pieces of silver burning a hole in his robe pocket and he was buying everybody drinks and looking at expensive pyramids.  Of course, in the end Judas repented so that he could still get to heaven.

Judas

I'll repent just as soon as I'm done spending
I’ll repent the minute I get back from Las Bethlehemgas

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  The Twelve Disciple Coloring Book!  Gregory says have fun coloring and be sure to stay in the lines!

Until next time . . . I love you