Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.
Today in Sunday School Gregory learned about what happened when Abram and Lot decided to go their separate ways after getting kicked out of Egypt. Gregory couldn’t help imagining how everything might have happened.
The Lord Gives Abram a Sweet Deal!
In last week’s lesson, Abram became the Lord’s new favorite person, and the only thing Abram had to do to maintain his status, as such, was move to Canaan and have cart-loads of kids which in those days were called descendants.
But first Abram took a detour to Egypt where he told the Egyptian King it was okay for him to sleep with his sister who was really his wife causing the Lord to fire up his smiter and smite the Egyptian king with a biblical disease from The Lord’s Big Book of Biblical Diseases.
Long story short, Abram and his wife, Sarai and his nephew, Lot, had to schlep all the way back to Caanan carrying all the riches they managed to wheedle out of the Egyptian king once the Egyptian King gave them the ol’ pharaoh heave ho.
Then Abram and his nephew, Lot, started up a company called “Just Goats!” conveniently located just off the cart path between Bethel and Ai.
Everything was going great until Lot started messing with the business plan:
Lot: Hey Uncle Abram, besides offering a senior discount for anybody over 600, I was thinking since we’ve got all these camels running around, we should start selling camels in addition to goats.
Abram: Camels are disgusting. Nobody wants a camel.
Lot: We could say they are super-sized goats. Nobody will ever know the difference!
Abram: Nobody wants a super-sized goat that’s really a camel.
Lot: Then would you mind if I took the camels and opened my own business in beautiful downtown Sodom?
Abram: You can do anything you want with those stupid camels as long as I don’t have to clean up after them.
Lot: That won’t be a problem, Uncle, because everybody knows what happens in Sodom stays in Sodom, ha ha! Get it?
Abram: Sorry, I’m not much of a laugher.
So Lot took the camels and headed off for the Jordan Valley and Abram stayed in the land of Caanan with the Caananites and the Perizzites — a pretzel-loving parasitic people.
As soon as Lot was out of hearing range, the Lord said to Abram:
Lord: From where you are look carefully in all directions — because I am going to give you all the land you see!
Abram: Wow! Thanks! Would you mind if I got up on the roof first?
The Lord: I am going to give you so many descendants that no one will be able to count them all!
Abram: Uh, I’m not big on kids. I mean the babies are cute — but as we all know, they eventually turn into teenagers.
The Lord: It would be as easy to count all the specks of dust on earth!
Abram: Are we still talking about kids? I hope not.
The Lord: Now go and look over the whole land because I am going to give it all to you!
Abram: Gosh thanks, but would it possible to still get the land but maybe fewer kids? Hello? Lord? Hello? Hello?
When the Lord quit answering Abram’s calls, he decided to make the best of things by moving his goats, his slaves and his wife to a place called Mamre at Hebron.
There Abram build an altar to the Lord and hung out his “Just Goats” shingle. Then he settled into the long process finding babysitters, interviewing nannies and building a cart-load of boarding schools.
And that concludes our bible story for today, Dear Readers. Please remember to check back next week to see what happens.
Until next time . . . I love you
Linda Vernon Humor 
Maybe since he was probably like 600 years old, he wouldn’t live long enough to raise all the kids…
LOL! He can only hope! 😀
If he still remembers how…
We’ll maybe . . . God willing 🙂
lol
Pfft.
600. He was nearly a kid himself. (get it) Heh-heh.
ahaha! i totally get it, maybe back in padded loin clothes…
You sure you got it? I was attempting a play on the word “kid.”
(Just looked it up, and turns out it’s a young goat, and not a young lamb as I thought. Works though, ’cause goats are in the story.)
Seems I’m digging myself deeper into Forest Gump territory. Just realized that a lamb is a young sheep.
I guess I took it a different way, he’s so old he’s become child like again, but you’re meaning is pretty funny too!
And baby goats sound like real babies when they cry. Maybe that’s how they came up with calling them kids. 😉
Ha!
Camels get such a bad rap… but goats… well, goats are delicious. Just sayin.
Are they really? I’ve never tried goat. What do they taste like?
Kinda like lamb. But bonier.
I don’t know Trent. There’s something about the thought of goat bones that makes me a little less hungry.
It’s actually really good. Caribbean or East Indian dish, curried goat, truly amazing dish. Very hard to find stewing goat though.
I’ve never tasted curry, but I know I hate it. So the only thing that sounds worse than curried goat is curried goat with a side of beets . . .
What what what? Hate curry? How’s that even possible?
Well, I’ve never tried it but my preconceived notion is giving it two thumbs down.
Lamb. Not mutton? Lamb good, Mutton Baaahaaad.
Lamb please. I like goat curried. Only way to eat it. I love lamb curried, but I can eat lamb in many ways.
Never had goat. Never had anything curried either as far as that goes. Neither one seems like I’m missing out on anything. Hot and tough. Nah. 🙂
Sigh. Come on over to Ontario, I’ll cook you up a brew, and you’ll see what you’re missing. It’s profound.
Trent you’re amazing. What I need is a more imaginative food life. I may take you up on that if I ever get to Ontario. (I also need a more imaginative travel life) 😀
Never you mind. I’ll come down to Cali, goat in hand, and will bring some spices too. We’ll butcher in the back yard, cook the whole dang thing in a pot with some onions and garlic… instant curried goat!
Oh I love that idea! You’re even making me hungry for goat!
You don’t hear that very often…
We could always get together at Gregory’s house after Sunday school and sacrifice a goat.
“Sacrifice a goat”. You know what that really means? Have a cookout!! Barbecue. God gets to smell the lovely aroma and we get to have a fine meal. Everybody’s a winner.
I am completely down with that idea, Donald. Linda, do you have a very large pot and a good hacksaw?
I only have my cannibal pot . . . will that work?
You know I think you’r right, Donald. In fact, I think if we were to research it, we’d find that the tower of Babel incident when the Lord mixed up all the languages that barbecue became the new word for sacrifice! I’m going to call up Gregory and see if he wouldn’t mind if we dropped by this weekend with out goats.
Good one–about the Tower of Babel. 🙂
I agree! I’ve never been happier about missing out on anything.
I never eaten lamb. Now that I think about it, I’ve never eaten anything bigger than a bread box. Lambs are too cute to eat. So are goats. (The ones in the petty zoos anyway)
WHAAAAAAT?????
Yeah well, I don’t get out much. I like beef, but only parts that are smaller than a bread box.
But what about Elsie the cow. Is she not lovely and cute? Well, we all gotta go sometime. At least Elsie’s dying for a good cause–a cookout a Gregory’s house! This week we sacrifice a goat. Next week a cow. And the week after that. . . hmmm.
I love that idea. We could form a club, it could be kind of like a gourmet club where people meet at different houses for gourmet meals every week– only we could have a sacrificing club where we barbecue a different animal each week. (If you need me I”ll be in the kitchen perfecting my homemade guinea pig barbecue sauce.)
LOL 🙂
Really? And they make ’em specially for stewing, too. Hmm. (Started at the bottom of the post and working my way up.)
“…Sorry, I’m not much of a laugher…” 😀
Ah! I had a feeling when I wrote that you’d like that line! 😀
They went separate ways?! I didn’t even know Abram and Lot were dating! I hope Abram had a sweet healthcare plan with all those “descendants.”
I tried camel meat once. Seriously. It was rank.
Ha! I think Abram and Lot were just friends with business benefits. Although you never know, it is the bible after all. But if you’re best buds with the Lord you probably don’t need a healthcare plan.
You ate a camel? I’d love to hear the story behind that, Mark. Please tell me that you walked a mile for it.
I didn’t eat “A” camel! Good Lord. Camel meat was on the appetizer menu at a restaurant in Astoria, Queens, so I tried it. It was truly, deeply, awful. It tasted like it fell on the floor on the way to my table, was kicked under the rug, retrieved and then put back on my plate.
LOL! Well maybe that’s the traditional way to serve camel. I wouldn’t be surprised.
I think Lot was the original creator of Big Lots.
Abram probably had his tubes tied but didn’t realize The Lord would have just made more peeps outta his ribs. Oy!
Ahahaha! I wish I would have thought of Big Lots! I guess in biblical days men did have their tubes tied. Probably because everything was all catywampus back then.
With a different business plan, Lot could have made a killing giving descendants camel rides.
In Sodom.
Wait, never mind…
As a matter of fact, I think Sodom was well-known for it’s Free Camel Ride Wednesdays!
Got some laugh-out-louds from this post. Good work, Linda.
Oh Donald! That is so good to hear!
A little earlier I was on a Christian fellow’s site. Seems he was all riled up over the movie Noah.
I and another infidel pointed out to him that his video only made us interested in seeing the movie. From what I saw on the guy’s video, it looks pretty good. Don’t know if that helps Gregory any. He may be adverse to controversy.
I went to see Noah. I actually thought it was pretty entertaining except for the watchers which looked like the rock people on Neverending Story. But it was good. They changed the story up from in the bible, but so far I don’t think God’s too mad about it because, we’re still here. (Although it did rain quite a bit last week . . . )