Things That Got Flushed That Hadn’t Oughta!


Toilet with flowers Linda Vernon Humor

I don’t mean to brag, but I have been using “the facilities” on my own now for over fifty years, and I know, firsthand, some crazy things that got flushed that hadn’t oughta.

Once, when I was four, my mother bought a batch of the most beautiful red apples you ever saw and displayed them on the table.  I asked for one, and my mother gave it to me.

I was an apple lover from the get go!

I took one bite and spit it out.

That’s because this apple was a deceitful type of apple, the kind that looks like it’s going to be delicious but, instead, tastes like dry, sandy-mush.

A couple of days later, I must have forgotten how horrible the apple tasted because I asked my mother for another one.  And she agreed, but only if I promised I wouldn’t take just one bite and spit it out. Who me?  Heavens no! Mother! Please! Don’t be ridiculous! She handed me an apple.

I took one bite and spit it out.

Even Eve didn’t have so much trouble with an apple.

Later in the week, I happened to walk by the beautiful red apples that were still sitting on the table (now we know why) and asked for another one. My mother wisely said no because there wasn’t any questions in her mind, by now, what I was going to do.

Well for some reason, I was set on it.  I began begging dramatically.  “Please Mother! Please!  I won’t spit it out! For the love of God,  I beg of you! I must have an apple if I am ever going to thrive!”

My mother acquiesced, handed me yet another apple along with a stern warning that she better not find this one in the garbage with one bite out of it; then left.

I took one bite and spit it out.

Ok, now I had a big problem on my hands.  Where to dispose of a big, beautiful red, sandy-mushy apple with one bite out of it.  I had to think, think! And quickly before my mother discovered the truth!

I made an emergency executive decision to flush it. So I went into the bathroom, looked both ways, threw the apple with one bite out of it into the toilet and pushed down the handle.

I was amazed when it actually went down!  Fabulous!  I dusted off my four-year-old hands and resumed playing.

Later that day I happened to walk by the bathroom just as my father was lifting the entire toilet, itself, off the floor.  I was flabbergasted!  I had no idea it would “do that!”

I still hadn’t put two and two together until I saw him reach his hand down the pipe and pull out a big beautiful red apple with one bite out of it.

Uh oh . . .

Shame quickly set it.  I couldn’t have felt worse if I would have gunned down Santa. But that’s another story for another day.

Suffice it to say, I’ve been privy to lots of things that got flushed that hadn’t outta — but it all started with that beautiful red apple with one bit out of it.

Until next time . . . I love you

43 thoughts on “Things That Got Flushed That Hadn’t Oughta!

  1. Maybe you’d have had better success with a green apple?! Love this post. Can’t tell you all the things I tried to “flush.” Being “betrayed” by a potty is a most disgraceful thing…

    Take care,
    Skip

      • Yes! Another “AA” group, (Apples Anonymous)…I’m game if you are Linda.

        Talk to ya later…take care!
        Skip

          • Well, I thought we’d “bob” for apples to qualify…huh! GREEN apples, lady. We gotta get used to them sometime!

            You are a great lady, Linda. Talk to ya later…

            Skip

              • Well, it still works with the “AA” thing…”Avocados Anonymous.” But we are getting away from the central theme of apples. It’s okay, I’ll get us the first load of “greeny-grannys!”

                I can’t wait to see how your face looks after a dunk in the water barell! Bet it still looks amazing! We’ll talk soon…

                Skip 🙂 xo

                  • Haha right back at ya! “…apple of my eye…” is cute and whitty! Now would you like to be the Avocado of my eye? Perhaps the artichoke, or asparagus?

                    And I love the comments “thing” we have! I just wish I knew how to use the “emotioncons” well enough to express my feelings!

                    Talk to you later…
                    Skip 🙂 🙂 xo

                    • Haha! Well I don’t know that many emoticons either! I do know the smiley face and the winking smile but that’s about it! HA! I haven’t been on top of my comments the last few days but hope to get back up to speed really soon!

                      Oh great! Now you made me hungry for avocados!! 😀

                    • Well, there you go. I don’t know how to make the “winkie smiling face!” Seems you know twice as much as me, and I’m just getting to know you. It could even be more…

                      And I am not sorry that I made you want the “avos.” They are so good and good for you. We all need to treat ourselves to something we like more often. Just save me some!

                      Always love to see a comment from you! Have a great one.
                      Skip

  2. I get it…. you’re telling us that your lot in life was set from that day forward, and you’ve been plagued your entire life by these intense dreams of bloody corpses with a big white beard, while you stand in the background, laughing maniacally, and re-loading…. 😈

  3. haha! This sounds like something I would have done! LOL!! The apple was probably the exact size of the pipe so it just lodged itself perfectly in there! How cute were you to think of getting rid of the evidence so effectively! I LOVE this story, Linda. You couldn’t have felt worse if you had gunned down Santa! hahahaha!
    How do you feel about apples now? 😀

    • Hah! Well I like apples now, but only because I have given myself permission to throw them away in the garbage if they are no good — even if they are good for that matter! Ha!

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