I don’t mean to brag, but I have been using “the facilities” on my own now for over fifty years, and I know, firsthand, some crazy things that got flushed that hadn’t oughta.
Once, when I was four, my mother bought a batch of the most beautiful red apples you ever saw and displayed them on the table. I asked for one, and my mother gave it to me.
I took one bite and spit it out.
That’s because this apple was a deceitful type of apple, the kind that looks like it’s going to be delicious but, instead, tastes like dry, sandy-mush.
A couple of days later, I must have forgotten how horrible the apple tasted because I asked my mother for another one. And she agreed, but only if I promised I wouldn’t take just one bite and spit it out. Who me? Heavens no! Mother! Please! Don’t be ridiculous! She handed me an apple.
I took one bite and spit it out.
Later in the week, I happened to walk by the beautiful red apples that were still sitting on the table (now we know why) and asked for another one. My mother wisely said no because there wasn’t any questions in her mind, by now, what I was going to do.
Well for some reason, I was set on it. I began begging dramatically. “Please Mother! Please! I won’t spit it out! For the love of God, I beg of you! I must have an apple if I am ever going to thrive!”
My mother acquiesced, handed me yet another apple along with a stern warning that she better not find this one in the garbage with one bite out of it; then left.
I took one bite and spit it out.
Ok, now I had a big problem on my hands. Where to dispose of a big, beautiful red, sandy-mushy apple with one bite out of it. I had to think, think! And quickly before my mother discovered the truth!
I made an emergency executive decision to flush it. So I went into the bathroom, looked both ways, threw the apple with one bite out of it into the toilet and pushed down the handle.
I was amazed when it actually went down! Fabulous! I dusted off my four-year-old hands and resumed playing.
Later that day I happened to walk by the bathroom just as my father was lifting the entire toilet, itself, off the floor. I was flabbergasted! I had no idea it would “do that!”
I still hadn’t put two and two together until I saw him reach his hand down the pipe and pull out a big beautiful red apple with one bite out of it.
Uh oh . . .
Shame quickly set it. I couldn’t have felt worse if I would have gunned down Santa. But that’s another story for another day.
Suffice it to say, I’ve been privy to lots of things that got flushed that hadn’t outta — but it all started with that beautiful red apple with one bit out of it.
Until next time . . . I love you
Linda Vernon Humor 
Well, I’m sure crikey the sewage alligator turned over and cried that day for not getting his apple 😛
Oh yes! But they were just crocodile tears!!
~Points at crikey holding a sob and faking a smile~ yeah that’s what he says 😛
Now that’s what I call the definition on courage!!
~Looks over~ oh great now he’s doing the macarena, I think you fueled his ego from tears to king crikey!
Running to basement, locating potato gun, aims shoots . . .
~Looks over at crikey slicing potato’s readying to make chips~
~Looks at you~ O.o
Pulling trigger — Nothing’s coming out but Funyuns!!
Heeeeeeeeeeeey!! who ever said onions were funny! >:P
Ha! Good Point Andy!
no more apples for you! lol
Haha! Including the one I just took a great big bite out of but is sandy so . . . Say, can i use your bathroom, Bucky?
No! 😉
Okay I understand.
at least not with any apples…
But I thought an apple a day kept the plumber away!
Wait. Am I remembering that right?
You are remembering it right. That’s the last line of The Little Old Lady Who Lived in a Portapotty —– too early for potty humor?
It’s never too early.
Oh the things that I threw down the toilet when I was a child……
Really? I smell a book you need to write about that!! Well maybe smell wasn’t the right choice of words.
heh heh heh Oh the sales would be necessary to cover the cost of my Mother’s things I flushed at a young age….
I have a feeling your mother was a saint, Papizilla!!
Maybe you’d have had better success with a green apple?! Love this post. Can’t tell you all the things I tried to “flush.” Being “betrayed” by a potty is a most disgraceful thing…
Take care,
Skip
Haha Skip!, Well I’m glad I’m not the only one!! Maybe we should start a support group! 🙂
Yes! Another “AA” group, (Apples Anonymous)…I’m game if you are Linda.
Talk to ya later…take care!
Skip
Haha skip!! Where do I sign up?
Well, I thought we’d “bob” for apples to qualify…huh! GREEN apples, lady. We gotta get used to them sometime!
You are a great lady, Linda. Talk to ya later…
Skip
Haha skipI. Green apples eh? I don’t have any on hand. I have some avocados though . . . Might work! 😉
Well, it still works with the “AA” thing…”Avocados Anonymous.” But we are getting away from the central theme of apples. It’s okay, I’ll get us the first load of “greeny-grannys!”
I can’t wait to see how your face looks after a dunk in the water barell! Bet it still looks amazing! We’ll talk soon…
Skip 🙂 xo
Hahaha Skip!! You are becoming the apple of my eye and my comments! HA! 😀
Haha right back at ya! “…apple of my eye…” is cute and whitty! Now would you like to be the Avocado of my eye? Perhaps the artichoke, or asparagus?
And I love the comments “thing” we have! I just wish I knew how to use the “emotioncons” well enough to express my feelings!
Talk to you later…
Skip 🙂 🙂 xo
Haha! Well I don’t know that many emoticons either! I do know the smiley face and the winking smile but that’s about it! HA! I haven’t been on top of my comments the last few days but hope to get back up to speed really soon!
Oh great! Now you made me hungry for avocados!! 😀
Well, there you go. I don’t know how to make the “winkie smiling face!” Seems you know twice as much as me, and I’m just getting to know you. It could even be more…
And I am not sorry that I made you want the “avos.” They are so good and good for you. We all need to treat ourselves to something we like more often. Just save me some!
Always love to see a comment from you! Have a great one.
Skip
I once tried to flush a cat. This was the same day that I fed a ham sandwich to my goldfish. I had pets but, apparently, inadequate supervision.
Lol!! Well at least you were ambitious!
I get it…. you’re telling us that your lot in life was set from that day forward, and you’ve been plagued your entire life by these intense dreams of bloody corpses with a big white beard, while you stand in the background, laughing maniacally, and re-loading…. 😈
Am I that transparent Ned? Sigh . . .
Only to those who know and love you…. 😆
Lol!! Well then I don’t mind being transparent all! 🙂
When my cousin was a kid, he flushed several fifty dollar bills down the toilet. My uncle tried to dig up the septic tank. Luckily he didn’t find the money.
Hahaha! What a funny story!! That reminds me of a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode where Larry is trying to pawn off a stinky fifty dollar bill!
haha! This sounds like something I would have done! LOL!! The apple was probably the exact size of the pipe so it just lodged itself perfectly in there! How cute were you to think of getting rid of the evidence so effectively! I LOVE this story, Linda. You couldn’t have felt worse if you had gunned down Santa! hahahaha!
How do you feel about apples now? 😀
Hah! Well I like apples now, but only because I have given myself permission to throw them away in the garbage if they are no good — even if they are good for that matter! Ha!