Dear Readers Welcome! I am happy to report I actually made it home safely from my road trip on the freeways of this great state of California, the longest state in our great nation, mind you, — where I spent four wonderful days visiting my daughter Jackie, her husband, Tyler, and my new grandson, Henry.
Peanuts gets worried
Of course, driving there, Dear Readers, took a tad bit longer than it should have due to the fact that I had to go 45 minutes at 40 mph before I could get my nerve up to pass a semi that seemed to my brain, Peanuts, anyway that it was driving recklessly.
The Menace of Rest Stop Pigs
Of course, my brain, Peanuts, the crazy story maker upper, had the truck driver pegged as a legally-blind, drunken serial killer/truck driver on crack who was texting his friend waiting at the rest stop up ahead to see if there were any Little Old Lady Granny-Types, such as myself, that he could murder and chop up into a million little pieces and feed to the pigs.
I know it’s a preposterous thought, Dear Readers, I have to laugh actually, because I’ve never seen any pigs at rest stops.
Restrooms, Restrooms Everywhere and Not a One to Use
Still, I didn’t stop even though I needed to use the restroom. I decided, instead, to stop somewhere in King City which the sign said was only 27 miles away.
It was at that point I entered the Twilight zone where the forward motion of my car was just an illusion wherein an evil force was pulling the road underneath me like a treadmill and causing me to quit making any forward progress. Here’s what the road signs kept saying:
27 miles to King City
45 minutes later:
11 miles to king City
40 minutes later:
3 miles to King City
a half an hour later:
You just passed King City
Carl Jr. Saves Me From Kidnapping Gypsies
I’m happy to report, however, that I finally found an easy exit with a Carl Jr’s to stop at. I pulled in to park and just then a white van pulled up next to me, the doors flew open and lo and behold!
It was chalk-full of gypsies!
Peanuts assumed this because the women were wearing long black dresses with gold bric-a-brac sewn to them accessorized by lots of dangling gold jewelry.
And they were clearly speaking a language that sounded very much like not English!
My Last Meal Pro-active-ness
As I was walking into Carl Jr., the gypsy driving the van and his cohort got out and stood next to my car. I heard them chatting about something and even though I couldn’t understand what they were saying, Peanuts thought whatever it was had a definite “untoward” ring to it.
My brain, Peanuts, started making up a story about how they were a roving band of gypsies, tramps and thieves — as the lyrics to the Cher’s song, Gypsies, Tramps and Thievess is the only thing Peanuts knows about gypsies.
Peanuts started thinking that maybe the Gypsies were in cahoots with the crack truck driver/serial killer, and that they were out looking for Little Old Lady Granny-Types , such as myself, and well . . . . well, never mind about the “well.”
The Final Gulp
So when I got into Carl Jr.s and looked back to see them still standing by my car — even though I wasn’t the least bit hungry — I went ahead and ordered the Orange Cream Hand-Scooped Milkshake because I thought it would be a fitting last meal.
If one were forced to eat one’s last meal at Carl Jr., that is.
The One-Piece Arrival
Anyway, Dear Readers, you’ll be happy to know that in the end I made it home safely.
And I must say! I’ve got a new lease on life! After all, it’s not everyday, one is spared from death by not being kidnapped by Gypsies and cut up into a million little pieces by a legally-blind, drunken serial killer/truck driver on crack and fed to rest stop pigs!
Proving once again, Dear Readers, that it truly is the little things that make life worth living.
Until next time . . . I love you
Linda Vernon Humor 
I think they let you go because they were afraid of the bad karma of chopping someone up and feeding them to the pigs if their last meal had been a Carl’s Jr shake.
Or maybe the pigs jus don’t like Carl’s…
Haha! That and also they let me go because they could just tell from looking at me I”m a lousy tambourine player.
I’m just glad the truck driver wasn’t the same as the one from Duel. Otherwise you would have to scream at the Gypsys to call the police and they would shout back “Which one!?” (In what can only be described as not English).
LOLOL!! I love Duel. One of us needs to procure that DVD! 😀
In our neck of the woods we worry about little ‘ol granny types kidnapping middle-aged men and forcing us to become indentured servants to roving bands of Grandma Biker Babes. “Kiss my boots” they cackle. Personally, I’d rather be chopped up and fed to pigs.
Uh . . . Well I just want you to rest assured, Russell, that the “kiss my boots” T-shirt I”m wearing right now is merely a coincidence! L O cackle L!
Dear Linda I am so relieved you have made it home and that you an Peanuts have coped together urging the trip. I get the impression that Granny Linda is a little uncomfortable out of her comfort zone. But I’m sure the visit with young Henry made the effort all worthwhile.
Oh thank you so much Summers. I am happy to say that Peanuts and I made it home safely and you are so right that we were a little out of our comfort zone! But then it does make for some new posting fodder so I can’t complain too much. And now that I think about it, getting kidnapped by Gypsies might be kind of fun at that!
Dear Linda and Peanuts… good thing your shit got together and got you safely home for the net episode of Criminal Minds!
😀
Hahaha! I’m not sure I want to let Peanuts see Criminal Minds! Peanuts has got enough crazy scenarios rattling around up there as it is!! D
Have you been watching too much Criminal Minds??
With the gypsies…I would have been hanging onto my purse tight! lol
It really was kind of weird! And the way they were standing right by my car! But they probably looked in the window and didn’t want any of my granny possessions! LOL! 😀
when you never know when one could use a good pair of bifocals! 😉
hahahahahaha!!! Actually in my case they are trifocals! Sigh . . .
bawhahaha! i guess i should laugh so hard i spit, because i think the print has gotten smaller on the backs of packages and vitamin bottle, i can’t seem to read them at all anymore..
Me either! I really can’t read much without my glasses anymore. I just got a new pair and I was amazed at how many wrinkles I had that I couldn’t see with my old pair! LOL! 😀
ahaha! maybe i’ll just continue in my denial!
Haha! Me too!! 😀
okay, denial’s good!
You scared me for a Moment there, LV, I thought you got lost in Texas.
Well it’s a wonder I didn’t. Heck I could have ended up in Bolivia what with my uncanny ability for taking the wrong exits! (Though that would have made for a good blog post!)
Oh, the horrors of too-far-away and tough-to-turn-into rest stops! So glad you made it safely after a road trip through CA. I try my best to never drive to CA as much as I can, cuz most of the drivers are nuts! (more than me!) And CA road trips can get so long, especially if you’re driving either North or South. Let’s just all go to Vegas and then North or South. Cuz even with that detour, it would make the long drive a bit more amusing, no? Okay, scratch that, cuz I’m a poor driver just giving poor directions.
p.s. Still cracking up and hoping for a future video of 37 teaching you how to walk.
p.p.s. Oregon is the best state for road trips cuz they’ve got “Free Coffee at Next Rest Stop” signs before almost every rest stop.
Thanks for another fantastic post, Linda!
Oh I agree with you about California drivers! You’d think I’d be used to it by now (I’ve lived her 30 years LOL!) but I still think people drive crazy around here. San Diego is the worst. You feel like your holding up traffic when you’re going 80!
What? Oregon has free coffee! I definitely need to take all my road trips in Oregon. I wish there was a way to get without having to drive through CA! I wonder if I could get there form here detouring through Vegas . . .well, it’s definitely worth a try, right?
Thanks for coming by sf! I’m so glad you enjoyed your visit! 😀