Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.
Today in Sunday School Gregory learned about Noah’s Ark and couldn’t help imagining what Noah and everyone was up to once they were on dry land again, and the only people left on earth.
In last week’s lesson, God turned on the heavenly hose full blast until everything that breathed couldn’t breath anymore, and all the bad people on earth became dead, except for God’s favorite man, Noah, who built an ark etc. etc. (See Old MacDonald’s Farm for more information).
When God finally pulled the plug on the deluge, Noah was 601 years old even though Noah didn’t look a day over 500 and could still touch his toes!
While Noah’s wife and Noah’s three sons Ham, Shem and Japheth and their kids enjoyed sifting through the flood debris for cool stuff, Noah spent most of the time moping in his tent and picking the mud off his robe.
Occasionally Noah would schlep through the flood debris to the barbecue/altar to fix the Lord and (and himself) a Shem burger invented by his son Shem (his son Ham was too lazy to invent anything).
But mostly Noah sat around just whining and complaining to his wife, Betty, about how much he missed mankind.
Betty: Noah, you really need to stop laying around all day kvetching.
Noah: There’s nothing else to do. I hate this place, it’s so boring!
Betty: How can you say that when there’s so much debris out there just waiting to be sifted through. Look what I found just today?
Noah: What is it?
Betty: An apple with one bite out of it!
Betty: Listen, Noah why don’t you start on a project. Do something constructive. You’re a farmer. Maybe you could plant something.
Noah: Hey that’s a swell idea, Betty. I’ll plant a vineyard!
Betty: A vineyard? But we don’t drink. I don’t think the Lord would approve of that, Noah.
Noah: Oh no! Not for wine . . .
Betty: For what then?
Noah: Oh you know, for raisin bran, raisin cookies, Waldorf salads . . .
Betty: I don’t like raisins in salad.
Noah: Okay, whatever, you can pick the raisins out. The point is, Betty, what this place could use is a vineyard! Besides wine seeds are the only seeds I brought with.
Betty: You mean grape seeds?
Noah: Yeah, what’d I say?
Betty: You said wine seeds.
Noah: Whoops. Slip of the tongue.
Betty: Are you sure?
Noah: Betty, I’m 601 years old for god sakes, cut me some slack!
Three years later:
Betty: Noah? What are you drinking?
Noah: Just some . . .hic . . . grape juice.
Three Years and two hours later:
Shem: Hey has anybody seen, Dad?
Ham: He got wasted and passed out in his tent buck naked!
Shem: Oh my Lord!
Japheth; Oh my God!
Ham: Oh you guys, stop being such prigs!
Japheth : We care about, Dad, okay? We’re not pigs, Okay?
Ham: I didn’t say you were pigs, I said you were prigs.
Shem: Same thing.
Ham: Listen Shem, I think I know what a pig is, I was named after one. Hello?!
Jepeath: Come on Shem. Let’s go get a blanket to put over Dad’s buck nakedness.
Shem: What’s a blanket?
Japheth: It’s a robe without sleeves. You really need to keep up with technology better, Shem.
Three Years and Six Hours Later:
Japheth: Dad’s awake and he wants to see you, Ham.
Ham: Yeah Dad?
Noah: I’m putting a curse on your son, Canaan!
Noah: He will be a slave to his brothers. Give praise to the Lord the God of Shem! May God cause Japheth to increase!!
Ham: Well Japheth has been putting on weight but I just thought it was the Shem burgers.
Noah: CANAAN WILL BE THE SLAVE OF SHEM!
Ham: Okay Dad! I’m standing right here. There’s no need to shout. Please use your indoor voice. How about a nice cup of black coffee and a cold shower?
Noah: AND HIS DESCENDANTS LIVE WITH THE PEOPLE OF SHEM! DO YOU HEAR KNOCKING? WHO SET MY CHEESE AFIRE?
Ham: Okay Dad, now I know you’re still drunk. Afire is not even a word, is it?
Noah: A CURSE ON CANAAN!
Ham: But Dad, my son Canaan is just a little innocent boy who loves his grandpa.
Noah: OKAY! MAKE THAT A CURSE ON CANADA!
Ham: Consider it cursed! Go back to sleep, Dad.
Noah: Okay, but wake me up when it’s time for soccer practice.
And there you have it, Dear Readers. How Gregory imagines it was like after for Noah after the flood. Check back next week at this same time to find out what happens next.
Until next time . . . I love you