Fortune Cookie Fortunes Rejected by the Fortune Cookie Factory for Being Too Negative
Save room for poison!
If you always see the glass as half empty, you’re probably a lush
Time was on your side but it switched over to the other team
Everything you’ve ever done in your entire life has been a disaster including the way you comb your bangs
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single schlep
If intelligence were luggage, you’d be that little cylindrical container that holds your toothbrush
If at first you don’t succeed . . . well, better just get used to it
You need to learn to prioritize – stop spending so much time crying over spilt milk and start spending more time crying over the fact that you’re a big fat loser
Don’t jump! . . . On second thought never put off for tomorrow what you can do today
Your wildest dreams will come true–oh sorry! I thought you were someone else
That bad elbow has been officially diagnosed as Sugar Cookie tendonitis but you don’t care, you’re never giving up your sport.
“Yeah but, Doc, I can’t stop eating Christmas cookies now, the Olympics are coming up!”
If your house caught on fire you would be torn between either rescuing your spouse or his fudge rum balls.
“Sorry Ma’am. The only thing we were able to save of your husband was his fudge rum balls.” “Yahoooo! No wait . . . I mean darn the luck.”
While you love the puppy you got for Christmas you’re convinced you’d love him even better if he was covered in chocolate and had a chewy nugget center.
“Oh! Him so potentially dewishious!”
You’re faking a limp just so you can justify carrying around that humongous candy cane.
“No! I’ll be okay! Just get me my humongous candy cane!”
You’ve started referring to your troubles as your truffles.
“Nobody knows the truffles I’ve seen . . .”
You lied and told your children all their gingerbread men had been abducted by aliens so that they could conduct eating experiments even though it was really you conducting the eating experiments.
“You mean to tell me, Earth Lady, you actually ate all your children’s gingerbread men?” ” Please! Stop! Can’t you see I hate myself enough already?”
And the final way to tell if you’ve become addicted to Christmas treats?
You resorted to eating some old-fashioned Christmas Candy that you found painted to the bathroom shelf of your grandmother’s house and were so ashamed you checked yourself into Christmas Treat rehab.
Question: Does Christmas Treat Addiction get any uglier than this? Answer: No.
And there you have it, Dear Readers, how to tell if you’ve become addicted to Christmas Treats.
Welcome Dear Readers! As you may have heard, California has been undergoing a series of strong earthquakes in California’s on-going journey to become the bottom of the Pacific Ocean.
Whether you live in California or are just planning a vacation here, it is this blog’s civic duty to provide some tips on what to do should you find yourself in the middle of a California earthquake.
California Earthquake Survival Tips
Scream! If that doesn’t stop the earthquake, place your hands over your eyes and scream louder.
Don’t batt an eye. (Recommenced for native Californians only)
If you are inside run outside (unless of course it looks like rain).
If you are at Starbucks, scream — then run around in circles taking care not to spill your latte on any celebrities.
Drop to the floor and roll around — especially if you happen to be on fire. (Don’t forget to scream)
Hyperventilate but as attractively as you can.
Quickly snap selfie of “You Doing Earthquake”
Grab your California Earthquake survival pack and scram.
Your California Earthquake survival pack should contain the following essentials:
Teeth whitener
Your own bags
Map to nearest In-N-Out
Your guide to recycling
Surfboard
Whole Foods rewards card
Sunscreen
The phone number of your acupuncturist, your life coach and your cat channeler
Essential Oils
Salad
Well, there you have it, Dear Readers! Hope this helps. Stay safe!
Hello Dear Readers. I thought it might be helpful to post a short list of common sense tips that my brain, Peanuts, just thought of.
Don’t worry about your spleen. Nobody ever said on their death-bed, “I wish I would have worried about my spleen.”
“Let’s see . . . 101 signs your spleen might be malfunctioning . . . oh I need to read these! “
If someone in your family is set on becoming a human cannonball, keep a mirror and a helmet handy so you can show them how stupid they will look to others.
Slit your car tires every night before you go to bed so that when you wake up in the morning there won’t be any flat tire surprises.
Did you remember to slit the tires? No, it’s your turn, I did it last night!
Never allow anyone to act out the poem Lizzie Borden Took an Ax on family fun night unless you are absolutely certain the ax is inaccessible and there’s no liquor in the house.
Always test out your “experimental arsenic cookies” on the hamster first, and be sure he’s actually dead before going to all the trouble of serving them to in-laws.
“Maury? . . . Maury? Can you hear me Maury?”
Always keep a copy of Robert Rules of Order on you at all times to avoid the embarrassment of walking up to take the witness stand in a crowded courtroom when it’s not your turn.
Never engage in a conversation with a chatty robot before you know the location of their off switch. (The same holds true for husbands.)
“Yes. it. is. a. nice. day. There. have. been. 17823. days. very. similar. to. a. day. like. today. in. the. past. 1400. years. starting. with. a. Thursday. on. April. 17. 1035. and. then. on. . . “
Just make it a policy to never operate on friends. Period. End of story.
Listen Marge, it’s not that I don’t want to remove your spleen, it’s just that you’re a friend of mine and I have this policy . . . sorry but period end of story.
Welcome Dear Readers! Let’s start with a Christmas morning video of my granddaughter, Lily, who is just learning to walk. Here she is with her new toy:
Okay! Now onto the important matter of today’s post. Did you eat too many sweets this Christmas? Well if you did you may want to review this list:
How to tell if you’ve become addicted to Christmas Treats
That bad elbow has been officially diagnosed as Sugar Cookie tendonitis but you don’t care, you’re never giving up you sport.
Yeah but, Doc, I can’t stop eating Christmas cookies now, the Olympics are coming up!
If your house caught on fire you would be torn between either rescuing your spouse or his fudge rum balls.
“Sorry Ma’am. The only thing we were able to save of your husband was his fudge rum balls.” “Yahoooo! No wait . . . I mean darn the luck.”
While you love the puppy you got for Christmas you’re convinced you’d love him even better if he was covered in chocolate and had a chewy nugget center.
Oh! Him so potentially dewishious!
You’re faking a limp just so you can justify carrying around that humongous candy cane.
“No! I’ll be okay! Just get me my humongous candy cane!”
You’ve started referring to your troubles as your truffles.
“Nobody knows the truffles I’ve seen . . .”
You lied and told your children all their gingerbread men had been abducted by aliens so that they could conduct eating experiments even though it was really you conducting the eating experiments.
“You mean to tell me, Earth Lady, you actually ate all your children’s gingerbread men?” ” Please! Stop! Can’t you see I hate myself enough already?”
And the final way to tell if you’ve become addicted to Christmas treats?
You resorted to eating some old-fashioned Christmas Candy that you found painted to the bathroom shelf of your grandmother’s house and were so ashamed you checked yourself into Christmas Treat rehab.
Question: Does Christmas Treat Addiction get any uglier than this? Answer: No.
And there you have it, Dear Readers, how to tell if you’ve become addicted to Christmas Treats.
t(er than a speeding bullet) Women
Linda Vernon Humor 