Some Common Sense Tips

Hello Dear Readers.  I thought it might be helpful to post a short list  of common sense tips that my brain, Peanuts, just thought of.

Don’t worry about your spleen.  Nobody ever said on their death-bed, “I wish I would have worried about my spleen.”

 "Let's see, 101 signs your spleen might be malfunctioning . . ."
“Let’s see . . . 101 signs your spleen might be malfunctioning . . . oh I need to read these! “

If someone in your family is set on becoming a human cannonball, keep a mirror and a helmet handy so you can show them how stupid they will look to others.

Slit your car tires every night before you go to bed so that when you wake up in the morning there won’t be any flat tire surprises.

Did you remember to slit the tires?No, it's your turn, I did it last night!
Did you remember to slit the tires?
No, it’s your turn, I did it last night!

Never allow anyone to act out the poem Lizzie Borden Took an Ax on family fun night unless you are absolutely certain the ax is inaccessible and there’s no liquor in the house.

Always test out your  “experimental arsenic cookies” on the hamster first, and be sure he’s actually dead before going to all the trouble of serving them to in-laws.

"Maury? . . . Maury? Can you hear me Maury?"

“Maury? . . . Maury? Can you hear me Maury?”

Always keep a copy of Robert Rules of Order on you at all times to avoid the embarrassment of walking up to take the witness stand in a crowded courtroom when it’s not your turn.

Never engage in a conversation with a chatty robot before you know the location of their off switch.  (The same holds true for husbands.)

"Yes. it. is. a. nice. day. There. have been 17823 days. very. similar. to. a. day. like. today. in. the. past. 100. years. starting. with. a. Thursday. on. April. 17. 1912. and. then. again. on . . . "
“Yes. it. is. a. nice. day. There. have. been. 17823. days. very. similar. to. a. day. like. today. in. the. past. 1400. years. starting. with. a. Thursday. on. April. 17. 1035. and. then. on. . . “

Just make it a policy to never operate on friends. Period. End of story.

Listen Marge, it's not that I don't want to take out your spleen, it's just that you're a friend of mine and I have this policy . . . sorry . . . .
Listen Marge, it’s not that I don’t want to remove your spleen, it’s just that you’re a friend of mine and I have this policy . . . sorry but period end of story.

Until next time . . . I love you

Superman’s Other Weaknesses


FasSuperman's Other Weaknessest(er than a speeding bullet) Women

Mister Mxyzptlk’s killer Margaritas

Buzzing  high school girls at soccer practice

Metropolis Historic Home Tours

Jimmy Olsen’s rendition of Honey I Miss You

Crack Cocaine

X-ray-eying Scratchers

Jenga tournaments

Things that purr

1000-count Egyptian cotton leotards

Vintage phone booth hunting

Lois Lane’s Key Lime Pie

 

Until next time . . . I love you

Bad Ideas for Kindergarten Show and Tell

Bad Ideas for Kindergarten Show and Tell

 

Ignited Crepe Suzette

 

Alien implants

 

Old stogies I have found

 

A signed copy of  Mein Kampf

 

The license plates daddy made

 

Any type of Hooch

 

Auntie Bev’s puppy jerky recipe

 

Grandpa’s Toupee

 

The Ark of the Covenant

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ten Ways to Tell If You Need a New Cat

You just noticed your current cat’s expiration date expired a year ago.

Why are you looking at me like that cat
“What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

 Your current cat’s breath smells like Funyuns.

cat breath
“Ew! Everybody stand back!”

Frankly, your current cat’s a little too much of a bible thumper for your liking.

cat reading bible
“If you’re going out you better be going to church.”

 Your current cat loads dirty dishes in with the clean dishes and then runs them all through again.

cat loading dishwasher
“Wait a minute . . . I think these are clean . . . oh what the hell.”

Your current cat leaves big strips of tall grass whenever it mows the lawn.

cat mowing lawn
“If this were my yard, I’d replace it with sand lickity split.”

 Your current cat’s a gloater

cat gloater
“Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”

 Your current cat thinks Mt. Rushmore is a natural formation.

cat mt. rushmore
“I don’t care what anybody says. This here’s caused by water erosion.”

 No matter how many times you try to explain it, your current cat keeps sewing the elastic waistband into the bottom of the pant leg.

cat sewing
“I’m gonna do it right. I’m gonna do it right. I’m gonna do it right . . .”

You suspect your current cat is the one who maxed out your credit cards on http://www.bevmo.com

cat with beer
“I was thoisty.”

And finally, the best way to tell if you need a new cat:

You installed a nanny cam and, sure enough, it’s your current cat that keeps stealing the last maple bar.

cat with maple bar
Whaaat?

8 Ways to Tell if You’re Too Into Coffee

Welcome Dear Readers!  Do you ever suspect that not only do you love drinking your coffee, but that maybe you are a little too into coffee itself? 

Eight Ways to Tell If You’re Too into Coffee

 

You’ve replaced all your buttons with coffee beans

Coffee Bean Buttons
“What? No they aren’t Milk Dud buttons, they’re coffee bean buttons! What are you? Blind?”

You just can’t understand why Juan Valdez never makes People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive

 Juan Valdez

 

All your furniture is coffee bean bag

girls in coffee bean bag chair

 

You’ve been much happier since it dawned on you that any empty space can be theoretically filled with coffee

Grand Canyon Filled with coffee

 

You absolutely refuse to become an astronaut until there’s a Starbucks on the Space Station

Tang in space

 

Frankly, if you got to drink coffee while being probed, you really wouldn’t mind being abducted by aliens all that much

Alien
“Okey Doke. One large coffee comin’ up. Cream?”

If God would have made the oceans coffee instead of salt water, you would have never dropped out of Sailor College

Sailors

 

 

Sure, you might be a little jittery from drinking too much coffee, but, hey, at least you’ve never felt an earthquake

earthquake Juan Valdez

 

And there you have it, Dear Readers, now go enjoy your coffee (but not too much).

Until next time  . . . I love you

Ten Ways to Tell If You Need a New Cat

You just noticed your current cat’s expiration date expired a year ago.

Why are you looking at me like that cat
“What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

 Your current cat’s breath smells like Funyuns.

cat breath
“Ew! Everybody stand back!”

Frankly, your current cat’s a little too much of a bible thumper for your liking.

cat reading bible
“If you’re going out you better be going to church.”

 Your current cat loads dirty dishes in with the clean dishes and then runs them all through again.

cat loading dishwasher
“Wait a minute . . . I think these are clean . . . oh what the hell.”

Your current cat leaves big strips of tall grass whenever it mows the lawn.

cat mowing lawn
“If this were my yard, I’d replace it with sand lickity split.”

 Your current cat’s a gloater

cat gloater
“Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”

 Your current cat thinks Mt. Rushmore is a natural formation.

cat mt. rushmore
“I don’t care what anybody says. This here’s caused by water erosion.”

 No matter how many times you try to explain it, your current cat keeps sewing the elastic waistband into the bottom of the pant leg.

cat sewing
“I’m gonna do it right. I’m gonna do it right. I’m gonna do it right . . .”

You suspect your current cat is the one who maxed out your credit cards on http://www.bevmo.com

cat with beer
“I was thoisty.”

And finally, the best way to tell if you need a new cat:

You installed a nanny cam and, sure enough, it’s your current cat that keeps stealing the last maple bar.

cat with maple bar
Whaaat? 

Sample Chapters from Linda’s Big Book of Cannibalism

Welcome Dear Readers!  I’m thinking about writing Linda’s Big Book of Cannibalism. Here are some of the sample chapters I’ve come up with so far:

Chapter 1)

The day the cannibals ate my left foot without so much as a “howdy”

 

Chapter 2)

The day I would have been eaten by cannibals but luckily they were full

 

Chapter 3)

“You gonna eat the rest of that elbow?”  he asked.

 

Chapter 4)

Hello?!?  Next time ask before you eat the last explorer!

 

Chapter 5)

The day the cannibals ate every other finger on my right hand and still had room for Jello!

 

Chapter 6)

Cannibal Grammar:  I ate all the flesh today.  I ate all the flush yesterday

 

Chapter 7)

Cannibal Confessions:  Just between you and me, David Rockefeller needed salt  . . . 

 

Chapter 8)

Cannibal Weight Loss:  I lost ten pounds on a low-Fred diet!

 

Chapter 9)

A glass of wine, a loaf of bread and you

Well, that’s all I’ve got for now, but stay tuned for more sample chapters from Linda’s Big Book of Cannibalism.

Until next time I love you (especially with ketchup)