Ten Ways to Tell If You Need a New Cat

You just noticed your current cat’s expiration date expired a year ago.

Why are you looking at me like that cat
“What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

 Your current cat’s breath smells like Funyuns.

cat breath
“Ew! Everybody stand back!”

Frankly, your current cat’s a little too much of a bible thumper for your liking.

cat reading bible
“If you’re going out you better be going to church.”

 Your current cat loads dirty dishes in with the clean dishes and then runs them all through again.

cat loading dishwasher
“Wait a minute . . . I think these are clean . . . oh what the hell.”

Your current cat leaves big strips of tall grass whenever it mows the lawn.

cat mowing lawn
“If this were my yard, I’d replace it with sand lickity split.”

 Your current cat’s a gloater

cat gloater

 Your current cat thinks Mt. Rushmore is a natural formation.

cat mt. rushmore
“I don’t care what anybody says. This here’s caused by water erosion.”

 No matter how many times you try to explain it, your current cat keeps sewing the elastic waistband into the bottom of the pant leg.

cat sewing
“I’m gonna do it right. I’m gonna do it right. I’m gonna do it right . . .”

You suspect your current cat is the one who maxed out your credit cards on http://www.bevmo.com

cat with beer
“I was thoisty.”

And finally, the best way to tell if you need a new cat:

You installed a nanny cam and, sure enough, it’s your current cat that keeps stealing the last maple bar.

cat with maple bar

8 thoughts on “Ten Ways to Tell If You Need a New Cat

  1. Be careful before firing your cat !!! Cats have a very powerful union. And it’s hard to tell which one is the local shop steward. They have ways of making humans cat-atonic.

  2. Dear Ms Vernonhumor. We recommend that you upload a version of this post to YouTube immediately!

    The time has come for the world to listen hard and not take in the least seriously the challenge this planet and our children face from centuries of domination by cats, in all their forms.

    Your bravery in selflessly documenting the unspoken harm that cats spread throughout our society will allow the rest of us to speak out. Your courage in starting this painful conversation has been noted by all of us here at #ChallengeYourCat and #HowmuchLickingisToomuchLicking.

    Rest assured that we shall remain cowering behind the freezer while you single-handedly fight for our rights without us needing to do more than click a ‘like’ button.

    Message us immediately if you receive any threats to yourself. Try and include some pics as well, particularly stuff like graffiti daubed on your home or livid and open wounds. We are always here for you, Linda!

    A loyal fan

    • Okay. How Much Licking Is Too Much Licking? This is the title of my new book! All thanks to you! Please e-mail me with the financial requirements involved in stealing this title from you. We need to start a movement! May I suggest we call it, #Meow Too! What do you think?

      • Y’see how hanging around with you immediately gets ‘dangerous’? #Meowtoo is going to get us many broken limbs and we shall be refused health insurance wherever we run.

        You are welcome to the idea and I will throw in a bunch of hyphens and some spare full stops as well but PLEASE – if we are gonna rile the Cat People can we make arrangements for new identities and good quality plastic surgery BEORE sh*t gets real?

        You are intuitively and delightfully fearless in your humor. Reading you is like hanging out with someone who picks fights at every stop light!

        • Okay. That last sentence is the blurb for the back cover of “How Much Licking is Too Much Licking?” And if I ever get to England we are definitely going on a drive together on a street with lots of stoplights!

  3. You had me at: “Your cat’s breath smells almost as bad as Al Gore’s– and for the same reason!!” Exquisite, my dear Linda! You made my stomach hurt again, but it’s always worth it!! Sorry to have been a stranger– hope you’re well, and that Life is delivering a big bowl of cherries to your door every day– and that you’re there to grab ’em before your filthy, foul, and flea-infested feline does!! 😊

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