Some Common Sense Tips

Hello Dear Readers.  I thought it might be helpful to post a short list  of common sense tips that my brain, Peanuts, just thought of.

Don’t worry about your spleen.  Nobody ever said on their death-bed, “I wish I would have worried about my spleen.”

 "Let's see, 101 signs your spleen might be malfunctioning . . ."
“Let’s see . . . 101 signs your spleen might be malfunctioning . . . oh I need to read these! “

If someone in your family is set on becoming a human cannonball, keep a mirror and a helmet handy so you can show them how stupid they will look to others.

Slit your car tires every night before you go to bed so that when you wake up in the morning there won’t be any flat tire surprises.

Did you remember to slit the tires?No, it's your turn, I did it last night!
Did you remember to slit the tires?
No, it’s your turn, I did it last night!

Never allow anyone to act out the poem Lizzie Borden Took an Ax on family fun night unless you are absolutely certain the ax is inaccessible and there’s no liquor in the house.

Always test out your  “experimental arsenic cookies” on the hamster first, and be sure he’s actually dead before going to all the trouble of serving them to in-laws.

"Maury? . . . Maury? Can you hear me Maury?"

“Maury? . . . Maury? Can you hear me Maury?”

Always keep a copy of Robert Rules of Order on you at all times to avoid the embarrassment of walking up to take the witness stand in a crowded courtroom when it’s not your turn.

Never engage in a conversation with a chatty robot before you know the location of their off switch.  (The same holds true for husbands.)

"Yes. it. is. a. nice. day. There. have been 17823 days. very. similar. to. a. day. like. today. in. the. past. 100. years. starting. with. a. Thursday. on. April. 17. 1912. and. then. again. on . . . "
“Yes. it. is. a. nice. day. There. have. been. 17823. days. very. similar. to. a. day. like. today. in. the. past. 1400. years. starting. with. a. Thursday. on. April. 17. 1035. and. then. on. . . “

Just make it a policy to never operate on friends. Period. End of story.

Listen Marge, it's not that I don't want to take out your spleen, it's just that you're a friend of mine and I have this policy . . . sorry . . . .
Listen Marge, it’s not that I don’t want to remove your spleen, it’s just that you’re a friend of mine and I have this policy . . . sorry but period end of story.

Until next time . . . I love you

Harmful Ingredients Lurking in Our Favorite Snacks

Hello Dear Reader!  Well it’s Wednesday.  Today my brain, Peanuts,  got a bee in its bonnet about harmful ingredients lurking in our favorite snacks after reading an article on the internet about harmful ingredients lurking in our favorite snacks.

Of course, Peanuts revised the article a little by taking out all the boring facts and replacing them with lies and fibs. And so without further adieu, let’s look at:

Harmful Ingredients Lurking in Our Favorite Snacks

BHA   BHA

This preservative is used to prevent rancidity in foods that contain oils. Unfortunately, BHA (butylated hydroxyanisole) causes . . . guess what?

Did you guess the Bubonic Plague, Dear Reader?  You did?  That’s amazing! The FDA and Peanuts are very proud of you! Give yourself a pat on the back. (But not too hard lest you start yourself coughing again.) Peanuts and the FDA say it’s probably best to stay away from BHA like the plague! Unless, of course, you enjoy having the occasional bout of Black Death in which case just tell everybody to shut up, stand back and pass the Kellogg’s Corn Flakes.

ParabensParabens

These synthetic preservatives are used to inhibit mold and yeast in food. The problem is parabens may also disrupt your body’s hormonal balance causing you to have difficulty yodeling in front of crowds of 5,000 people or more.  If your livelihood depends on your yodeling abilities, the FDA and Peanuts suggest you forgo the parabens altogether.  If, however, your yodeling is just a hobby . . .  then yodel your little odle-lay-ee-who heart out!

Partially hydro   Partially Hydrogenated Oil

Watch out for Partially Hydrogenated Oil. That’s because partially hydrogenated oil is a “trans fat” and trans fats are infamous for clogging up arteries, toilets and the works. Trans fats are different from regular fats in that if you’re standing next to someone who is eating a great big piece of cheesecake containing trans fats, all the fat will transfer from them over to you — causing you to gain five pounds.  The FDA and Peanuts recommend you stand at least 20 feet away from anyone who is eating cheesecake.

 Ice Cream   Castoreum

 Castoreum is one of the many nebulous “natural ingredients” used to flavor food. Though it isn’t harmful, it is unsettling. Castoreum is a substance made from beavers’ castor sacs, and anal scent glands. (And here you thought beavers were only good for making messy dams.)  If you get queasy easy, the FDA and Peanuts suggest you might want to forego the ice cream containing beaver castor sacs and anal scent glands and consider only eating ice cream that was made from great big gobs of green gushy gopher guts.

Funyuns

Even though Funyuns contain all of the ingredients listed above and then some, the FDA and Peanuts aren’t saying eating Funyuns will kill you, as such. Far from it. After all, everybody knows that Funyuns are the favorite snacks of world luminaries all over the world, such as Al Gore.  However, the FDA has issued a warning that ingesting Funyuns may cause Robotism or Frankenstienism in some people –mostly in people who are World Luminaries and who answer “what” when someone calls out the name “Al Gore.”

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  Next time you take a bite out of something, remember not to think about anything you just read.

Until next time . . . Peanuts and I love you (and maybe even the FDA but probably not)

My Brain Peanuts Presents: The World in a Nutshell

Welcome Dear Readers to  “The World in a Nutshell”  where my brain, Peanuts, will attempt to recreate a map of the world drawing on nothing but hearsay, vague general impressions and a third-rate education.

Today’s Map:  South America

A map of South American based entirely on my brain, Peanuts, vague impressions
A map of South American based entirely on Peanuts vague impressions

Please study the map above.  Are you done studying it?  Great!

POP QUIZ TIME!

This concludes  “The World in a Nutshell” lesson for today, Dear Readers.   Please drop in next time when Peanuts thinks up some different stuff about a different part of the world!

Until next time . . . I love you

My Five Worst Posting Fails of 2013

Welcome Dear Readers!  I have had so much fun blogging this year I can’t even tell you because I’ve already used up my entire vocabulary for the 2013.

So today we will be looking at some of the failed posts that no matter how hard me and my brain, Peanuts, tried, we just couldn’t get to work.

Failure # 1:

The Patronizing Noodle Lady

Here’s how the post started out: 

Welcome Dear Reader!  Good News!  The Patronizing Noodle Lady has decided to make a visit to the blog.

Here’s a picture of  The Patronizing Noodle Lady: 

These are Noodles!
“No!  You’re not listening. These here . . . the ones I’m touching, these long skinny things, are called noodles. And the noodles go here, where my index finger is tapping.  My index finger is the finger you would use if you wanted  to point at something. Do you know how to point at something? Or were you lying about that question on your resume?”
The Patronizing Noodle Lady, Linda Vernon Humor
Peanuts and I even drew a picture of The Patronizing Noodle Lady thinking she might become a recurring blog character.

But that’s as far as Peanuts and I got with The Patronizing Noodle Lady, and the reason is because we failed to take into account how very difficult it is to find pictures of people who are in the act of being patronizing.  So Peanuts and I abandoned The Patronizing Noodle Lady which is really what she deserves anyway, we supposed.

Failure #2

Here’s another post draft that Peanuts and I abandoned:

Welcome Dear Reader!  Good News!  Mother Goose Has Agreed to Answer Your Most Pressing Questions:  

Dear Mother Goose:

Every time I make a pie, there’s a little boy who livs do

As you can see from the work we put in, neither Peanuts nor I was really committed to “Mother Goose Answers Your Most Pressing Questions.”  I thought it would be a humor goldmine, but my brain, Peanuts, threw down the pick and shovel and  jumped into a bowl of  buttered rum, leaving me hanging. Thanks . . .hic. . . a lot Peanuts!

Failure #3

Here’s another  draft that was abandoned.  I’m blaming Peanuts entirely for this one.  It said simply:

Mrs. Ricardo, Dan Jenkins second-hand furniture man:

If you were to watch this clip, you would see that this is the episode where Lucy stares at William Holden while he trying to eat his lunch.  It’s really funny and in the end she lights her clay nose on fire. Ha! Ha!

But Dan Jenkins, the used furniture, man who buys Lucy’s furniture for $90 and then sells it back to her for $125 isn’t even in this episode!  That’s why this draft is  so very strange!  As you probably guessed, Peanuts loves ‘I Love Lucy’ and always insists we watch it instead of Meet the Press.

Failure #4

Okay, here’s a  draft that needs no explanation because no explanation exists.

Off to Battle with the CaananLittle Guy Tie

The nonsequitor of  the “Off to battle with the Caanon” broken link  paired with a picture of a baby wearing a knitted tie is just the kind of thing my brain, Peanuts, comes up with when sound asleep. I’m sure my subconscious mind got a big kick out of it though.  My subconscious laughs pretty easily and at the dumbest things.

Failure #5

Here’s an abandoned draft that shows you how temperamental  my brain, Peanuts, can be.   All it said was:

Hello Dear Readers!

And then apparently Peanuts called it a day.  Well at least Peanuts didn’t have the audacity to post it . . . like I’m doing right now . . . uh oh . . . I think I hear Peanuts laughing in the recesses of my brain — where,  for my brain, Peanuts, it’s recess 24/7/365.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, it being whatever this was.

Until next time . . . we (me and Peanuts) love you

My Brain Peanuts Red Alert!!

My Brain, Peanuts, Red Alert!!!

Warning! Warning! Warning!

Errrrr! Errrrr! Errrrr!

Dear Readers, This is a 7-Points Bulletin!

If you are traveling in state of  California on freeway 101 today, anywhere between San Francisco and Los Angeles going north or south, east or west BEWARE!

Traffic may be unusually slow, possibly backed up for hours due to a Little Old Lady Granny Driver operating under the often misguided direction of her brain, Peanuts, who is going on a road trip to visit her daughter, Jackie’s family and her new grandson, Henry!

Jackie and Henry
Jackie and Henry

 

Be on the look out for and steer clear of the following:

1)

Any woman who looks old enough to receive AARP  and pre-paid cremation opportunities in her  junk mail —  and who is  traveling south (God willing, but possibly north if her brain, Peanuts,  freaks and takes the wrong exit) in a little blue car with a bumper sticker that says:  What Happens at Grandmas, Stays at Grandmas.

2)

Should you be unlucky enough to  come up behind Granny, tailgate at your own risk — as she will turn on her windshield cleaner spray (she’s not as nice as she looks) and pretend for all the world like she is simply getting the bugs off her windshield, but in reality is passively aggressively getting your windshield wet on purpose in an attempt to punish you for not driving as safely as she thinks you should.

3)

Should she suddenly slam on her brakes in the middle of the freeway, do not be alarmed, there is nothing wrong with granny’s car, it will simply mean she was listening to a CD of Herb Albert and the Tijuana brass and her brain, Peanuts, mistook one of trumpet solos for the horn of an alarmed motorist.

4)

Granny will no doubt be traveling in the slow lane, wedged between two trucks — either because she is too afraid to change lanes or because she is pretending she is in a convoy again. Probably both.

5)

If you should see this woman driving around the mean streets of some drug n’ thug neighborhood in any town between San Francisco and Los Angeles, it will not mean that Granny is trying to “score” some illegal substances.  It will simply mean that, once again, her brain, Peanuts, picked the worst possible exit to try to find a restroom.

6)

Four or five hours into the trip you may see granny pulled over to the side of the road being issued a speeding ticket. This will mean her brain, Peanuts, finally became so desensitized and bored with driving on the freeway that her brain, Peanuts, only noticed the number 88 on her speedometer when she saw the flashing red light tailgating her.

7)

Let’s just hope and pray her brain, Peanuts, had enough sense not to turn on the windshield cleaner spray!

Ny Brain Peanuts
Beware of my brain, Peanuts, behind the wheel!

Until next time . . . I love you

My Brain, Peanuts, Notices Some Little Things

Hello Dear Readers and welcome!  Before we go kicking and screaming (in a good way) into the weekend, I thought it would be fun to share with you some random things that crossed the path of my brain, Peanuts.

  You want me to throw what in where?

 

Someone stuck a sign on the trash can outside my grocery store directing passersby to only throw “trash” into it.

Apparently so many people have been throwing stuff in there that’s not trash, the grocery store employees were unable to get any work done so they had to make a sign for the trash can that says “Trash.”

Well who can blame them?  They are probably sick and tired of people throwing away bag after bag of perfectly good cash or bag after bag of perfectly good puppies or bag after bag of perfectly good babies.

These people have work to do people!

And their job descriptions do not include fishing large amounts of cash and/or puppies or the occasional baby out of the trash all the live-long day!  Do you mind?

 Now that’s the attitood I like to sea!

Here’s a nice little sign I saw while waiting in line at Fresh Choice. As you can see, they offer salads to go Mon – Fry only.  You’ll also notice they are offering their customers a special as well, but they are being kind of crabby about it.  The sign tells us it’s $4.99 Salad Bar Only but it sort of feels like what they really wanted to say was $4.99 Salad Bar Only You Stupid Idiot.

Here’s bit of wonderful news from junk mail:

Now that’s a handy piece of news from the National Association for Continence!  I am totally amazed that two out of three people with bladder control symptoms (and what symptoms are those? . . .  well, we can guess can’t we?)  don’t do ANYTHING about it — which means . . . well, let’s not think about.

I am more amazed, however, that there is actually someone walking around right this very minute with a business card that reads:

National Association for Continence, Managing Director

Which proves, once again, Dear Readers, that it’s the little things that make life worth living! Have a wonderful weekend!

Until next time . . . I love you

My Brain, Peanuts, Flips Through a Magazine

Hello Dear Readers!  And welcome to Friday, the apple of the week’s eye!  Today My brain, Peanuts and I thought it might be fun to take the day off from our usual silliness to just sit back and flip through magazines. 

Oh Lookee! Here’s a magazine that says San Francisco on it:

7 x7 San Francisco Magazine Send up

First of all, Peanuts notices that this is one of those expensive magazines wherein the cover doesn’t feel like it’s made out of old-fashion paper but, instead, it feels like it’s made out of some sort of super-strong, space-age material that was developed by NASA should a situation arise wherein NASA would need to, say, tow the moon to another solar system or whatever it is NASA is always developing super-strong, space-age material for.

(Peanuts is suddenly thirsty for Tang. Peanuts is going to go get some Tang.  Peanuts will wait if you want to go get some Tang too.)

Now where were we?  Oh yes Peanuts is trying to figure out what this magazine is going to be about.  But Peanuts is confused.

Linda Vernon Humor Pretentious Magazines Is this magazine going to be about 7 x 7?  Is this magazine going to be about Art + Design?  Is this magazine going to have an arithmetic test at the end? (If so, Peanuts hopes it’s multiple choice.)

Peanuts wonders why  the girl on the cover so sad.  Is she sad because she’s got runs in her stockings?  Or is she sad because she’s got no pants and nothing to sit on? Maybe she’s so sad because she can’t find her balloon?  (Peanuts thinks she should check her hair.)

(Let’s take time out for a little Tang gulping shall we?  Mmmm . . . .)

Oh Good!  Here’s the Editor’s Letter.  Maybe the Editor’s letter can explain to Peanuts what this magazine is going to be about:

Editor's Letter Pretentious Magazine

Peanuts reads that when the girl in the picture, Chloe, was six years old, she furrowed her brow at a ruined masterpiece she drew — but Chloe’s mother said Chloe could turn her ruined masterpiece into a redemptive ocean which made Chloe happy.  This says to Peanuts that Chloe was very smart for knowing when she was only six — 1) how to furrow her brow and 2) what a redemptive ocean was.

Peanuts is feeling a little bummed right now because Peanuts is ten times that old, and, while Peanuts’s brow is permanently furrowed,  Peanuts still doesn’t know what a redemptive ocean is and probably never will.  (Peanuts does like the way Chloe puts  that little x and that slash over the ‘e’ in her signature though.)

(Peanuts is adding more spoonfuls of Tang to Peanuts’s Tang right now.  Mmmm. . .  try it, it’s really good!)

Peanuts is getting tired of flipping through magazines now. Peanuts is just going to flip to one more page and then Peanuts is going to go outside and play:

pretentious Magazines Linda Vernon Humor

Oh Great Caesar’s Ghost!  Peanuts knew there was going to be a test at the end!  Peanuts told you so!! Well, at least it’s multiple choice which makes not knowing what the magazine was about go down a little smoother.  Just like Tang!

(Peanuts says let’s just forget about flipping through magazines and just go eat some Tang right out of the jar!  Wanna?)

Until next time . . . my brain

The Signature of My Brain Peanuts Linda Vernon Humor  loves you