Hello Dear Reader! Well it’s Wednesday. Today my brain, Peanuts, got a bee in its bonnet about harmful ingredients lurking in our favorite snacks after reading an article on the internet about harmful ingredients lurking in our favorite snacks.
Of course, Peanuts revised the article a little by taking out all the boring facts and replacing them with lies and fibs. And so without further adieu, let’s look at:
Harmful Ingredients Lurking in Our Favorite Snacks
This preservative is used to prevent rancidity in foods that contain oils. Unfortunately, BHA (butylated hydroxyanisole) causes . . . guess what?
Did you guess the Bubonic Plague, Dear Reader? You did? That’s amazing! The FDA and Peanuts are very proud of you! Give yourself a pat on the back. (But not too hard lest you start yourself coughing again.) Peanuts and the FDA say it’s probably best to stay away from BHA like the plague! Unless, of course, you enjoy having the occasional bout of Black Death in which case just tell everybody to shut up, stand back and pass the Kellogg’s Corn Flakes.
These synthetic preservatives are used to inhibit mold and yeast in food. The problem is parabens may also disrupt your body’s hormonal balance causing you to have difficulty yodeling in front of crowds of 5,000 people or more. If your livelihood depends on your yodeling abilities, the FDA and Peanuts suggest you forgo the parabens altogether. If, however, your yodeling is just a hobby . . . then yodel your little odle-lay-ee-who heart out!
Watch out for Partially Hydrogenated Oil. That’s because partially hydrogenated oil is a “trans fat” and trans fats are infamous for clogging up arteries, toilets and the works. Trans fats are different from regular fats in that if you’re standing next to someone who is eating a great big piece of cheesecake containing trans fats, all the fat will transfer from them over to you — causing you to gain five pounds. The FDA and Peanuts recommend you stand at least 20 feet away from anyone who is eating cheesecake.
Castoreum is one of the many nebulous “natural ingredients” used to flavor food. Though it isn’t harmful, it is unsettling. Castoreum is a substance made from beavers’ castor sacs, and anal scent glands. (And here you thought beavers were only good for making messy dams.) If you get queasy easy, the FDA and Peanuts suggest you might want to forego the ice cream containing beaver castor sacs and anal scent glands and consider only eating ice cream that was made from great big gobs of green gushy gopher guts.
Even though Funyuns contain all of the ingredients listed above and then some, the FDA and Peanuts aren’t saying eating Funyuns will kill you, as such. Far from it. After all, everybody knows that Funyuns are the favorite snacks of world luminaries all over the world, such as Al Gore. However, the FDA has issued a warning that ingesting Funyuns may cause Robotism or Frankenstienism in some people –mostly in people who are World Luminaries and who answer “what” when someone calls out the name “Al Gore.”
And there you have it, Dear Readers! Next time you take a bite out of something, remember not to think about anything you just read.
Until next time . . . Peanuts and I love you (and maybe even the FDA but probably not)