Sometimes, when life hands you lemonade, you have to take that lemonade and you have to turn it back into lemons again because you’re just in that kind of a mood. Which means, Dear Reader, that it is once again time for:
Roast in a Nutshell, the Darker Side of My Brain Peanuts
(A title that was the brainstorm of my cyberdaughter, Lizzie, at runningnakedwithscissors)
Today’s topic: Dealing with people who think Peanuts is old.
Things Darkside Peanuts Should be Allowed to Do Without Any Consequences When It comes to dealing with people who think Peanuts is old.
Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to trip clerks in the electronics department of Frys who explain something to Peanuts like Peanuts is senile and then wrap up their sales pitch by adding “this is what all our elderly customers prefer.”
Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to send sneezing powder (aka anthrax) in the return envelope of all AARP offers that are offering Peanuts one last chance to get insurance before Peanuts shrivels up and dies.
Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to pinch a tad too hard, the cheeks of teenage baggers at the grocery store who remark, while bagging Peanuts groceries, that their grandma — or even their great grandma — likes the same product Peanuts does.
Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to scribble lipstick all over the faces of dismissive twenty-something cosmetic-counter girls who imply that Peanuts looks so old there’s really nothing that can be done about it.
Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to pull the transaction box off its stand and throw it at clerks who automatically assume Peanuts is too old and too far gone with the Alzheimer’s to know to slide the card and push the green button without being told (for the millionth time . . . sigh) to do so.
Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to mess up the hairdo of clerks who take a good look at Peanuts and then suggest that Peanuts take advantage of their 55-years-and-older senior discount even though Peanuts is 55-years-and-older.
Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to yank the trendy ponytails of the girls who work at Starbucks whose words are saying, “may I help you” but whose tone is saying Oh great! Another old lady who refuses to speak Starbucks.
Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to put Peanuts’ car in reverse and bash into the kid who is driving the car behind Peanuts who is honking at Peanuts to take a free right turn at a red light because they think Peanuts is too old and too cowardly to do so –even though Peanuts IS too old and too cowardly to do so.
Phew! Darkside Peanuts feels much better having gotten all that off Darkside Peanuts’ shell.
Until next time . . . I love you
Linda Vernon Humor 
Get down with your bad self Darkside Peanuts!
I don’t speak Starbucks either but last time there I tried…
Give me a double decaf half caf soy no foam capalattechino mocha vente quad whip with half cherry pump or a cold beer.
Haha Rich!! I’m going write down that order on a piece of paper and keep it in my purse . . .then I’ll just pull it out and slide it over to the girl next time I’m there. I’ll have my camera ready to capture the look on her face! 😀
At least Darkside Peanuts has justifiable reasons for causing (delightful and innocent) harm to others. I too dream about tripping the clerks at Fry’s – mostly because I hate the store and would be feeling spiteful.
Oh Erin I went in there yesterday. I needed a new keyboard and there were literally hundreds of computer types in white shirts and black ties swarming all over the place. I think they were doing inventory but with that going on and the really dim lighting, I felt like I was in a dystopia movie.
I hate that place. I really do. Their building themes really set me off. And an escalator to get inside? That’s insulting! They clearly expect their clientele to be comatose or post-lobotomy.
The thing that makes me the maddest is it seems like whatever I want to buy, they only have one left of and someone has clearly returned it, and they just tape it back up and put it on the shelf. Hello people! There’s a reason it was returned! I really don’t know why I go there! Then they have the person whose sole job is to tell you what number is lit at the registers. Duh? I can’t figure that out myself? LOL
Those mean sarcastic…little bit rude…people …want to put ‘peanuts in a shell’….that doesn’t make any sense whatsoever …I was just dying to say it lol…..Diane
Haha! Thank you Diane and my brain Peanuts thanks you too! 😀
I feel Peanut’s rage. I am often told that I must PRESS THE GREEN BUTTON at any grocery or drug store as though I don’t understand how to work a debit card machine even though they’ve been around for more than 15 years. I also hate electronic stores because they often assume I’m tech saavy (hate that term too) and have total disdain when they find out I’m not. At all.
Well, obviously little Peanuts finds the exact same things annoying as Big Mama Peanuts does. Ok, that last sentence was bordering on nauseating . . . I would hate to have a job where I had to tell people to push the green button all day long. It’s like they want you to hurry and push it so THEY don’t have to deal with you anymore, but there’s just a big long line of people just like you waiting to push the green button. It’s like Sisyphus!
Haha! I refuse to speak the Starbucks language, too. I just ask for a large coffee, and then they look at me like I’m an alien. I think dark side Peanuts should pull those ponytails and then pretend you thought it was something else. Give ’em your best Mrs. MaGoo! Haha!
Haha Lisa! I don’t know what they do to the clerks at Starbucks to get them so brainwashed! Why do they care so much? I’ll never be able to figure that one out. I love your idea! Next time I go in I’m going to yank on one of the smarty pants girl’s ponytails and then act like What? when she turns around! HA! Don’t I wish I had the nerve to do something like that. Think what a great post it would make!
Darkside Peanuts should strap on the Blazing Sword of Justice (yes, it’s a cane, but at least Peanuts can sharpen the tip) and ride The Faded Feline Of Fury to rain righteous wrath upon the whippersnappers.
Whippersnappers.
Hmph.
Somehow EG you make being the crazy old cat lady and her cane seem quite glamorous! Ok, I”m off to get me so whippersnappers! 😀
I think I would enjoy hanging out with Darkside Peanuts very much. See, I do speak Starbucks and we could conquer the World! 😉
We could Orangespice! And we should! 😀
Ironically, when I see a new or interesting blend, I will refer to it by that name, but the barista always says “Can I have a dark roast” (since that is pretty much the spout from which it pours.
Hey wait a minute . . .could it be that they have only two kinds of coffee — dark and regular and the only thing different about them is the names? OMG! I think you have just shook reality to the very core with that idea! I love when that happens! 😀
Gosh, I’m hoarse– and I don’t mean one of the long-faced guys who’s usually on the notepaper instead of Miss Kitty. Why? ‘Cause I was cheering all the way thru this post!!!
Hurrah for Dark Side Peanuts!! Hurrah, hurrah, I say!! May his every perverse wish be granted!! Hurrah! (cough, cough, hack, wheeze)