My Brain Peanuts Red Alert!!

My Brain, Peanuts, Red Alert!!!

Warning! Warning! Warning!

Errrrr! Errrrr! Errrrr!

Dear Readers, This is a 7-Points Bulletin!

If you are traveling in state of  California on freeway 101 today, anywhere between San Francisco and Los Angeles going north or south, east or west BEWARE!

Traffic may be unusually slow, possibly backed up for hours due to a Little Old Lady Granny Driver operating under the often misguided direction of her brain, Peanuts, who is going on a road trip to visit her daughter, Jackie’s family and her new grandson, Henry!

Jackie and Henry
Jackie and Henry

 

Be on the look out for and steer clear of the following:

1)

Any woman who looks old enough to receive AARP  and pre-paid cremation opportunities in her  junk mail —  and who is  traveling south (God willing, but possibly north if her brain, Peanuts,  freaks and takes the wrong exit) in a little blue car with a bumper sticker that says:  What Happens at Grandmas, Stays at Grandmas.

2)

Should you be unlucky enough to  come up behind Granny, tailgate at your own risk — as she will turn on her windshield cleaner spray (she’s not as nice as she looks) and pretend for all the world like she is simply getting the bugs off her windshield, but in reality is passively aggressively getting your windshield wet on purpose in an attempt to punish you for not driving as safely as she thinks you should.

3)

Should she suddenly slam on her brakes in the middle of the freeway, do not be alarmed, there is nothing wrong with granny’s car, it will simply mean she was listening to a CD of Herb Albert and the Tijuana brass and her brain, Peanuts, mistook one of trumpet solos for the horn of an alarmed motorist.

4)

Granny will no doubt be traveling in the slow lane, wedged between two trucks — either because she is too afraid to change lanes or because she is pretending she is in a convoy again. Probably both.

5)

If you should see this woman driving around the mean streets of some drug n’ thug neighborhood in any town between San Francisco and Los Angeles, it will not mean that Granny is trying to “score” some illegal substances.  It will simply mean that, once again, her brain, Peanuts, picked the worst possible exit to try to find a restroom.

6)

Four or five hours into the trip you may see granny pulled over to the side of the road being issued a speeding ticket. This will mean her brain, Peanuts, finally became so desensitized and bored with driving on the freeway that her brain, Peanuts, only noticed the number 88 on her speedometer when she saw the flashing red light tailgating her.

7)

Let’s just hope and pray her brain, Peanuts, had enough sense not to turn on the windshield cleaner spray!

Ny Brain Peanuts
Beware of my brain, Peanuts, behind the wheel!

Until next time . . . I love you

My Brain, Peanuts, Thinks Up Some Inventions

Hello Dear Readers!  Happy Friday to you all.  I thought today might be as good a time as any to take a look at some of the inventions, my brain, Peanuts dreamed up.

The Underwater Bicycle

My brain, Peanuts, woke up one morning with this idea.  Instead of scuba divers swimming everywhere; they could explore the ocean floor by riding around on their underwater bicycles. Of course, when I told everyone about this idea they got a good laugh,  but really why wouldn’t it work?

Underwater Bicycle
Scuba Diver Riding the proposed Underwater Bicycle

The Minty Breath-o-rizer

Here’s a fantastic idea that Peanuts came up with a couple years ago.  It’s simply a breath mint that one would attached to one’s front tooth. That way the breath mint doesn’t get in the way when talking to someone, but one can still rest assured that one’s breath is clean and fresh.

a breath mint that sticks to tooth
The Minty Breath-o-rizer

A Goldfish Fishing Pole

Let’s say you go to the pet shop and buy a cute little goldfish.  You get home and set his bowl up. It’s got water, little plastic plants, maybe it’s own little house and an anchor in its little front yard.  But after about two seconds, you start getting bored.  You start thinking, where’s the fun in this?  To which the answer is absolutely nowhere.

But Dear Readers. . . what if you had a little fishing pole upon which you could attached it’s food?  You could feed your new little goldfish by pretending like you’re fishing.  Now that’s fun! I really think this is a winner of an invention, don’t you?

a fishing pole to feed goldfish with
The Goldfish Fishing Pole

The Ponytail Headlight

Don’t you hate it when the electricity goes off after dark and there’s absolutely nothing to do except stare at the candle flame?    Well, stare no more, Dear Readers!  Now sitting in the dark can be fun with The Ponytail Headlight!

Simply put your hair in a high ponytail and viola!  Let there be light!  Instead of sitting in the dark, like a bump on a log, you can now use that time to clean out your closets or straighten up your bathroom drawers or whip up a batch of raw fudge.

a ponytail holder with a headlight
The Ponytail Headlight

The Portable Fanny Pack Swing

Let’s say you’re taking your three-year-old grandson for a walk around the neighborhood when he suddenly gets bored and no longer wants to admire the various shrubbery, preferring instead to throw himself down on the sidewalk and kick and scream as a direct result of all that sugar you fed him earlier.  You try to pick him up but he simply squirms away. (The little fella’s quite an athlete!)

Anyway, that’s where the Portable Fanny Pack Swing comes in.  It’s lightweight and folds up small enough to fit into any AARP Fanny Pack.  You simply pull it out, set it up right there on the sidewalk and put your dear little fella in the swing and start pushing.  This will buy you time until you can get mommy or daddy on the phone to let them know that Fun with Grandma Time is officially over.

Artisti's rendering of portable swing
The Portable Fanny Pack Swing

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  A few inventions dreamed up by my brain, Peanuts.  You’ll have to excuse me now though as I think my brain, Peanuts, has some more inventions to dream up.  If you need me, I’ll be asleep on the couch . . .

Until next time . . . I love you

My Brain Peanuts Thinks Up Some Blog Topics

Let me apologize in advance, Dear Readers, for even though my brain, Peanuts,  has been rattling around up in the Noggin Attic all morning trying to shake an idea loose to blog about, Peanuts has only managed to come up with a few lame ideas which are as follows:

You and Your Alfalfa

Peanuts and I thought we might pick up where we left off yesterday and expound on our new-found knowledge contained within the pages of a 1934 government pamphlet about Alfalfa which we now have in our possession– but then Peanuts and I thought we should probably save that post for a more special occasion like Christmas.

Doing math in your head in 1950

OK,  Peanuts and I  found a booklet from 1950 called without paper and pencil that explains how to do math in one’s head.  The book is full of conversations  like this one:

This topic was promising for about five minutes until Peanuts tried to figure out how long it would take me to write something about doing math in one’s head by subtracting 8:45 a.m from 300 words at which point my brain, Peanuts, fell  asleep in my head.

Your Appendix is more important than you think it is

Peanuts and I thought this topic was very, very, very promising until we realized that your appendix isn’t more important than you think it is.

How to chew an eraser like it was a piece of gum and maybe even blow a bubble

Oh this would have been a killer blog topic, and I wanted to do it until Peanuts reminded me there’s no such things as erasers anymore.

Pretending to know what the stock market numbers mean

This sounded promising at first, but after thinking about how much thinking it would actually involve, Peanuts and I  thought . . .  wait a minute, this is a blog not a torture chamber.

Write a blog about absolutely nothing that uses a lot of big bold headlines such as WordPress “Heading 1” to imply importance

Bingo!  And there you have it Dear Reader. Our blog for today! Oh and if you happen to think of any blog topics for me and Peanuts for tomorrow, we implore you to leave them in the comment section.  As you can see, Peanuts and I can use all the help we can get!

Until next time . . . I (and Peanuts) love you

 

My Brain, Peanuts, Thinks Up Some Dubious WordPress Blog Ideas

Why hello Dear Reader and welcome to Monday morning here at the blog! 

This might be a good time to warn you that my brain, Peanuts, has been thinking again — the act of which has produced the following ideas for some dubious WordPress blogs:

My Favorite Government Documents! .com

Bureaucrats estimate that government documents now out number stars in the universe by a ratio of three to one!  And Peanuts thinks choosing my favorites among them (the most adorable) would make for a good blog.

Ah! Have you ever seen such an adorable government document?  Don’t you just want to squeeze it?

What about Lard? .com

My brain, Peanuts has high hopes for this blog!  It will encompass anything and everything about lard and lard-related products.  Readers will be invited to experience the world through the eyes of lard which should prove to be an exhilarating — if not somewhat disgusting– experience!

Soups Most People Never Tasted .com

There must be literally hundreds maybe even thousands of them! My brain, Peanuts turns to mush just thinking about all the soup out there that most people have never tasted!

Oh sure, you’ve never tasted it, but are you sure it’s never tasted you?

Your Friend, Cement! .com

Peanuts wants us to stop and think a minute about where we would all be without our dearest friend, cement . . . well, probably right in the exact same place we currently are . . . but still!

“Hey Cement, wanna get coffee later?”
“Uh . . . no.”

On a scale of one to ten, how Chapped Are Your Lips? .com

Finally a way to tell just exactly how chapped those lips of yours really are. Send pictures and Peanuts and I will post the best and the worst! Chapped lips will be judged on a sliding scale of one to ten, ten being the worst and one being the best or maybe vice versa.  Either way we are predicting success that smacks of success.

Sticks that were responsible for poking people’s eyes out!  .com

Just between you and me and Peanuts and WordPress and everybody else in the world, this idea is a little iffy, taste-wise.  Of course, there is the potential for eye patch advertisements and perhaps a lucrative manacle endorsement deal so the tastelessness might well be worth it.

Watching old parades from the 70’s on YouTube! .com

Peanuts asks:  Who doesn’t like watching parades that took place 40 years ago?

Peanuts answers:  No one!  That’s who!

“By golly, yes siree!  That IS Florence Henderson! Well, poke me with a fork!”            “Okay if you insist!”
Body parts I have yet to stub — The Forum  .com

Sure we’ve all stubbed our toe, but what body parts haven‘t we stubbed.  Are you stumped?  Good!  That means you’ll go check out the forum!

Baby Talk Book Reviews! .com

Peanuts wuvs dis idea!

“Me wead Wah and Peas.””

Wah and Pease vewy bo-wing!

Until next time . . . I love you

Trifecta Weekend Writing Challenge: A Very Special Mother’s Day Gift

Wahoo!

I am so happy and delighted, Dear Readers, to announce that My Brain Peanuts wrote a story called Henny Zoots Meets an Enigma that won this week’s Trifecta Writing challenge!! YAY!  My Brain Peanuts will be celebrating by eating three  huge pieces of Trifecta Writing Challenge Triple Chocolate Cake! 

Now for the weekend challenge:  write a 33-word story incorporating the word mother.

A Very Special Mother’s Day Gift

 Father outdid himself the year he arranged for Mother to square off with Sonny Liston for Heavyweight Champion of the World.  The fight lasted seven seconds.  Pity she didn’t remember any of it!

Until next time . . . I love you