Hello Dear Readers. As you will remember here at the blog, we like to pretend things. One of the things we like to pretend is that Al Gore loves Funyuns and hangs out with Leonardo DiCaprio. To that end, my brain, Peanuts, has come up with an idea for a magazine which my brain, Peanuts, and I think has a lot of potential.
Peanuts simply took the sports magazine, Golf Digest:
And combined it with a popular lifestyle magazine like Real Simple:
And there you have it Dear Reader. Al Gore in all his Funyun glory!
Hello Dear Readers and welcome to Saturday, where you aren’t reading this because you are outside enjoying the wonderful spring weather unless you’re inside at your computer reading this in which case * high five* !!
Hello everyone, my name is Candy Crawley and I will be the moderator for tonight’s second Presidential debate.
“Gentlemen, my first question is for President Obama. What number is the loneliest number?”
“As the president of the United States for the last four years, Candy, I can definitely say that the loneliest would be the Number One!”
Okay thank you. Now Mr. Romney it’s your turn. What number would you say is the loneliest number?
“I’ve been saying all along ever since I was the boss of the whole Olympics in Utah that the loneliest number is the Number One, Candy!”
“Now wait just a minute, Candy, my opponent, Governor Romney says the loneliest number is the Number One , Candy, but lookee! He’s holding up three fingers, Candy! Lookee! Lookee!”
“Now just a doggone minute there! I stated the loneliest number was Number One even before I even walked out on stage even, Candy!”
“I’m sorry, Governor Romney, I just gotta wipe off that jam, it’s really buggin’ me.”
Okay, Gentlemen, I’m afraid that’s all the time I can give you on jam gentlemen. We must move on.
“But Candy! I didn’t get to say how I got jam on my suit!”
I’m sorry we must move on! I’ve got a question from one of the 82 uncommitted voters . . . yes what is your question, sir?”
“Hello. My name is Al Gore. I would like to know if either of the can-di-dates know of any stores close by that sell Funyuns?”
“Mr. Gore that is not a question that we are going to waste time on this evening. If you were hungry for Funyuns, you should have purchased a bag of them before you came to the debate tonight like I did!”
“Now don’t be so hasty, Candy. As President of the United States, it just so happens I brought a bag of Funyuns with me to the debates tonight, and Al Gore can have my bag of Funyuns! After all, Al Gore invented the internet, Candy!”
“Now wait t just a doggone minute, Candy! I brought a bag of Funyuns too AND a jar of Olympic Commemorative Jam — all the way from Utah. Al Gore can have my bag of Funyuns AND my jar of jam! It’s the least I can do for a guy who invented the internet. I insist!”
“Well, America, I think we know who’s going home the clear winner tonight, and that is Mr. Global Warming and Internet Inventor, himself, Al Gore! So what do you have to say about that Al?
“The future will be better tomorrow.”
I think that says it all America, don’t you? I’m Candy Crawley and thank you for watching.
Dear Readers, Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Dudes and Dudettes, Babes and Babies, Presidents and Prime Ministers:
It’s time for us to say goodbye to awkward moments! Turn our backs on social faux pas and bid adieu to obnoxious behavior. For I have managed to procure for us, Dear Readers, the answers to all our problems:
Amy Vanderbilt’s Complete Book of Etiquette!
Let’s flip through some pages . . . Ah here we go!
A Guide to Tactful Conversation!
“In greeting people we say, “how do you do?” we do not really expect an answer, but it is all right to reply, “Very well, thank you,” even if it is a blue Monday and you feel far from well.” No one wants a clinical discussion in response to this purely rhetorical question.”
Amy will illustrate what she means by doing a little role playing with a Typical Person.
Amy: How do you do?
Typical Person: Does your stomach stick out like that because your preggers or are you just fat?
Amy says sorry but it is never polite to answer a question with a question. Amy says try again:
Amy: How do you do?
Typical Person: That depends . . . is that mildew smell coming from me or you?
Amy says this is better, but this reply is still in the form of a question. Amy says try again:
Amy: How do you do?
Typical Person: Who wants to know Funyun breath?
Amy says this reply is trending towards tactful but is not quite there yet. (She also says this typical person reminds her of someone but she can’t think who.) Amy says try again.
Amy says: How do you do?
Typical Person: I like Funyuns.
Yes! Very good! Amy is so proud!! Now Amy will move on to the next part of the tactful conversation lesson which covers not remembering names:
“If you are warmly greeted by someone whose name — or maybe whose face, too — you can’t recall say something harmless such as “nice to see you”. Then while looking quite attentive, let the other person do the talking until he or she gives a clue as to identity.”
Amy: Nice to see you.
Typical Person: You do not have a clue who I am, you are just pretending to look attentive but you have not been listening to a word I just said about the en-vi-RON-ment.
Amy says she likes this response because there are no contractions in it. Amy says this person reminds her of someone but she still cannot think who.
Amy: You are looking well.
Typical Person: It feels like we have been talking for one thousand, billion, million trillion hours.
Amy: Al? Al Gore? Is that you?
Typical Person, Al: Yes. Yes. Yes. It is me Al Gore. Yes. Yes. Yes.
Amy: Thanks for standing me up the other night! You have some nerve!
Typical person, Al: Sorry I cannot do anything but stand up. Plus I was out of Funyuns. Do you want to go to get some Funyuns with me?
Amy: Of course Al! You know, I cannot resist a man who does not use contractions!
Amy says that concludes our Guide to Tactful Conversation lesson one! But Amy is sure she will be back real soon to teach us more etiquette because she just cannot help herself!