Don’t Thank Me, Thank My Noble Metabolism


Don’t Thank Me, Thank My Noble Metabolism

It’s Official! My Metabolism Has Finally Reached Zilch

My metabolism has slowed down so much lately that not only will I gain weight if I even look at a piece of cheesecake — so will the person standing next to me.

Metabolism Heaven

Some people complain of a sluggish metabolism. If I could get my metabolism up to sluggish, well . . . I’d be in metabolism heaven, that’s all.

Not the real Metabolism Heaven, but a darn good likeness

I’ve Got a Metabolism That Punches Out at Noon

I’m starting to get the feeling my metabolism goes home early everyday. I think it’s getting bored with its job. And who could blame it, really. Talk about a backlog of work! Poor Dear.

I would imagine the piles of cheesecake in its In-Basket alone is enough to make even the most dedicated of metabolisms want to call in sick.

What’s a Food Consumer to Do?

Still, even though my heart goes out to my metabolism, it would be nice if it could step up the pace just a little. I’m doing my part by carefully monitoring what I eat. I read all the food labels and whatnot; but it isn’t easy finding a food whose first ingredient is air.

My Life as an Air Fern

I think Mother Nature rigged so it so a woman of my advanced years can live indefinitely on air to keep mankind from going extinct.

My Metabolism Theory

As far as I can tell, Our Family of Humans evolved so that Grandma could keep the cave clean, do all the cooking plus watch the grandkids without having to eat any actual food — which meant Yippee!! Extra helpings of Kentucky-Fried Mammoth for everyone! (Except you know who.)

Me and My Metabolism, Where Would Mankind Be Without Us?

So I suppose one could say, the more sluggish my metabolism, the more I am actually contributing to the survival of the human race. Each and every time I manage to push away a piece of cheesecake without eating it, I am sacrificing that piece of cheesecake for the global good of my fellow Homo sapiens — because now there is just that much more cheesecake for them to eat.

Thus ensuring the survival of our species.

Who knew something operating at zilch could be so noble?

Until next time . . . I love you

2 thoughts on “Don’t Thank Me, Thank My Noble Metabolism

  1. I had the same experience in my 50’s – didn’t matter what I did or didn’t do weight just piled on and stayed on. It took a lot of effort to accept my new body – I had always been pretty slim, but I noticed that most “mature” women appeared to be having the same problem. I think you’re on the right track with the whole cave people analysis. I call it the ice-float effect – you know, when they used to put the old woman on the ice to float away so she wouldn’t be a burden on the tribe. She had lots of extra layers to keep her alive for awhile. You can address it through exercise that helps posture, like yoga or pilates, tops that float over the torso, change your style as your body changes, shop in different stores that are geared toward the mature figure (but not old lady stores!), new makeup that accentuates your eyes. And don’t let anyone else make you feel bad about your new body.

    • Thank you for all the tips! It does take a lot of adjustment when your body just refuses to process food the way it used to! But I am happy to say I’m finally getting the hang of it after much trial and error!

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