If You Find a Bag of Adjectives, They’re Pottery Barn’s

Oh Happy Day!  Joy of Joys!  A new Pottery Barn Catalog!  Let’s flip through some pages together, shall we?

Hey!  Lookie!   This Pottery Barn Sectional is made entirely out of Sustainable Seagrass!

So apparently there’s a big ol’ lawn on the bottom of the ocean that Pottery Barn mows to get seagrass clippings so they can make couches out of it.  Who knew?

Of course, PB is sure to tell us that the seagrass is SUSTAINABLE.  In fact, upon closer inspection, the only adjective used in this month’s Pottery Barn catalog seems to be the word  “sustainable”.  I have no idea why this is — but I’m happy to make something up.   

Once upon a time last week, a careless Pottery Barn catalog-writer temp forgot to lock the safe where Pottery Barn keeps all its “power-selling adjectives” And somebody stole them all! 

Except for the word “SUSTAINABLE” which, luckily, the Pottery Barn Catalog Editor takes home with him each night to safely stow under his pillow for safekeeping because “SUSTAINABLE” is their single, most-important, show-me-the-money adjective EVER!

And if somebody were to steal that one, Pottery Barn would go bust in nothing flat!

In fact, PB would probably not argue with the assertion that the only difference between them and The Dollar Store  is PB’s genius for inserting their prize adjective “sustainable” 17 times on every single page.

Anyway, getting back to the sustainable seagrass that PB likes to make couches out of.

This might be a good time to point out that keeping the lawn on the bottom of the sea  sustainable is no small feat.  In fact, it’s a waterloggingly, back-breakingly, eyeburningly difficult task if ever there was one.

Pottery Barn goes down deep to get to the bottom to stay on top!

First of all:

To keep the seagrass growing nicely, Pottery Barn Scuba Divers have to dive way down deep to lay an underground sprinkling system on the ocean floor lawn and then swim clear back up to the surface to turn the faucet on and then swim clear back down to the bottom again to make sure all the zones are being watered properly.

Next thing you know,  Pottery Barn has divers dropping left and right from the bends, and they have yet to even fire up the underwater lawnmower!

Just thinking about it makes Pottery Barn tired, crabby and somewhat explosive.

Second of all:

Add to that, all the labor involved in the upkeep of the underwater barbed-wire fences to keep the seagrass safe from the hungry mouths of seasheep, and Pottery Barn is hard pressed to make its usual 5,000 percent profit margin and may have to suffice with only a 4,998 percent profit margin.  (Plus the small loss of some of the actual divers themselves — mostly just the small ones.)

The bottom line is there is absolutely nothing Pottery Barn won’t do to bring you beautiful decorating people!  NOTHING!

And please be of good cheer, everyone, for we still have 166 more  pages of our beloved Pottery Barn Catalog to peruse together . . . and if that doesn’t bring you in off the ledge, I don’t know what will.

Until next time . . . I love you

16 thoughts on “If You Find a Bag of Adjectives, They’re Pottery Barn’s

  1. Great post! I’ve never ordered anything from the PB catalog and I don’t know anyone that has. We use the pictures to get ideas and then we buy more affordable stuff that looks just the same.

  2. Fortunately, Pottery Barn headquarters has a secret stash of adverbs for just such an occassion.
    They will be “sustainablizing”, “dynamicating”, and “domesticluting” all of their top seagrass products.

    And they’ll even throw in a complimentary box of seagrass cookies with each order.
    They’re Deliciofying!

    Also, I would love to be one of the divers on that gig!

  3. Um yeah the pottery question has always bugged me too. But I love the way you think, lol. How do you make a sectional out of seagrass? I mean I guess it sounds really darn cool – which is probably the only reason Pottery Barn is sustainable -cause like mentioned above – it certainly isn’t the pottery. What happens if you spill something on your sectional? ok, lol….you rock!
    🙂 Peace

  4. I stopped in at Pottery Barn to pick up a gift for someone and noticed they had a small magazine full of instructions on how to decorate your Christmas tree. I thought of you, Linda, and then thought “How insulting to their patrons. Assuming they can’t even decorate a tree.” Leave it to PB to say there is a right way to decorate a tree!

    • Oh, so not only do they want us to buy their overpriced sustainable tree decorations, but they are even going to show us how to place them on the tree. How did mankind evovle so far without Pottery Barn? Maybe in the prehistoric times they had Pottery Bone to help them out with cave decorating. 🙂

  5. I think Pottery Barn is my all time favorite new topic. Next time I go in to an inferior store (like Target), I’ll be sure to ask the sales person if my new lamp shades are made from the sustainable foreskin of an Eurasian monk fish. PB has them for only $2999!

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