Today Dear Readers, I have a special treat in store for you!
I managed to track down a group of elusive scientists and talk them into showing us how to make oil and vinegar salad dressing the scientific way:
First, let’s meet The Scientists:
“Hi! My name’s Joe.”
“Hi! My name’s Joe too.”
“Hi! My name’s Joe but people call me Joe!”
“Hi I’m Joe and I’m about as Joe as it gets.”
Let’s take a minute to give our Salad Dressing Scientists a round of applause!
And now . . .how to prepare Oil and Vinegar Salad Dressing the Scientific Way!
Step One: Reconfigure your kitchen refrigerator so that the reciprocating compressors are working to maximum capacity.
Uh oh! Watch your step there Joe!
Oh sure it sounds like a lot of work, but really all you have to do is climb up in your kitchen attic (every kitchen has one) and disassemble the compressor. Vacuum the dehydration system and viola! Accessible Hermetic Compressors! Who knew it would be so simple!
Step Two: Stick an olive on the end of a lead pipe.
That’s right! Just like that!
This will give “slow” Joe (the Joe that’s always getting in everybody’s way) something to do while the other Joe’s continue to prepare the scientific salad dressing. (Slow Joe LOVES eating olives off lead pipes.)
Step Three: Adjust the Atmospheric Pressure Valves according to the atmospheric Pressure, PSIA.
OK, this is kind of a pain, but really it’s simply a matter of finding your kitchen’s cellar (every kitchen has one) and going down there and adjusting the knobs until the calibration level is 11.336.847.11111.0000.1.2.2.f.3.4.
If Joe can do it so can you! Oh and don’t forget to wear rubber gloves!
Step Four: Take one large Baskin Robbins container, eat all the ice cream out of it, then fill with oil and pour onto the Refrigeration Compressor
Do it this way like Joe is only don’t get it all over the place like Joe always does. Joe’s whole house smells like an oily rag!
Step Five: Stick another olive on a lead pipe and hand it to “slow” Joe as by now he has probably figured out how to put the last one into his mouth.
Poor guy is addicted to these things!
Step Six: Go to Costco and buy two restaurant sized jars of pickles, eat all the pickles out of each and pour oil in one and vinegar in the other. (Be sure to remove the finely divided carbon so as not to restrict oil flow, but that goes without saying, of course!)
Make sure the liquid in both containers is Even Steven.
Step Seven: Pour a little out of both jars onto some lettuce making sure to strain out soluble or entrained metal salts and oxides.
This is a critical step in which everything could go horribly wrong due to low-side pressure in the evaporator — but as long as there is no drop in pressure in the suction line everything should taste pretty darned delicious!
Step Eight: Have Head Honcho Joe give it a taste test!
Uh oh! Head Honcho Joe isn’t pleased with the consistency and, unfortunately, it’s far too late to do anything about that!
Step Nine: Draw Head Honcho Joe a scientific diagram of just exactly what went wrong with the scientific salad dressing, scientifically.
This will explain everything.
Step Ten: Offer Head Honcho Joe an olive on a lead pipe and keep feeding them to him until he ingests so much lead he can’t tell a Critical Property of Refrigerant from a Pressure-Temperature Refrigerant! HA!
Mmmmmm . . . .me really starting to likee these things says Head Honcho Joe!
Until next time . . . I love you
Linda Vernon Humor 
Are you sure 37 didn’t come up with those directions? I find he tends to make any simple task a scientific one (involving lots of steps, diagrams and historical events that barely relate to the task at hand). I’m excited to read how the Joes explain making a salad.
Well, I did get those terms out of a refrigeration train training manual. I think 37 wrote it. And they would probably explain salad by starting with the explosion of a super nova and how it caused life amoebas who eventually turned into lettuce.
You lost me at ‘Joe’.
Ah well, the rest of it was boring anyway! HA! 🙂
Can I be “slow” Joe? I find myself sticking olives on the end of lead pipes all the time, anyway.
Of course you can Eric. If this post is ever turned into a movie you have dibs on the part! 🙂
I’ll start practicing my part now.
I’m pretty sure the problem was in the calibration levels. I like to keep mine at a 12.VLX.789.XXII.1234. I find adding Roman numerals to the calibration gives my salad dressing a little more kick.
Hahaha! Once again I’m LALVP! (Laughing at Linda Vernon’s Post)
Hahahahaha! LoL Lisa Your comment made me laugh out loud! The Roman Numerals!! I could just kick myself for not calibrating in the Roman Numerals! No wonder the consistency turned out all wrong!
I forgot to mention that I use that specific calibration for my Ceasar salads.
*Better late than never! ha!
Hahaha! Well, when in Rome (I never plan to be there btw, I just hate their numbers!)
Hi,
OH so well done, loved the post, but you just have to feel sorry for the Joe’s, I mean all that work and still it was not right. 😆
I know! But I think they still got paid so what do they care? Right? Haha!
That’s why I buy it already made…much too much work 😉 Diane
OMG Diane your comment made me bust up laughing! hahahahaha! 😀
Too darn Funny!! 🙂 But sadly now I know what I was doing wrong.. (great post btw)
Oooh THAT’S how you make salad dressing? So easy! (Beezy. Beautiful. Covergirl.) Now I just want a giant tub of Baskin Robbins ice cream.
Good thing The Joes only showed you how to make salad dressing. The one problem with those darn scientists is that they want to explain how the machines work, what they do, how they came to be. And by then, you are passed out with your face buried in a plate of lettuce.
LOL Erin! And glad you are passed out with your face in the salad!! HA!
You had me at ‘Joe’… and ‘Joe’… and ‘Joe’…
I just hope I don’t run into anybody named Joe today. They’d have to wonder why I laughed in their face and gave ’em a shot of oil and vinegar breath– ugh!
P.S. Why can real life be more like those old B&W photos? There’s too much color in the world today. Well, at least my socks and underwear are gray… : P
Haha Mark! I doubt you have to worry about running into any Joes. They like to spend most of their time puttering around kitchen attics!
I’m with you on the over-colored world today, That’s why I make sure all of 37’s socks and underwear are gray too! It’s so nice to find others who believe in the same causes you do!
This is the right blog for anyone who wants to find out about this topic. You realize so much its almost hard to argue with you (not that I actually would wantHaHa). You definitely put a new spin on a topic thats been written about for years. Great stuff, just great!