Biblical Wrestle Mania

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of the Bible According to Gregory.  Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday school this morning, shall we?

Gregory of the Bible According to Gregory Linda Vernon Humor

Biblical Wrestle Mania: Almighty God vs. Jacob the Ladder

Jacob was a twin who was born holding onto his  brother’s heel. Why anybody even noticed this is odd because Jacob’s twin brother, Esau (pronounced Achoo) was born entirely red and covered with fur.  A fact that Jacob’s parents were happy about because it meant they would never have any trouble telling them apart.

The twins’ mother, Rebekah, liked  Jacob best because she was partial to children who didn’t shed; while their dad, Isaac, liked Achoo best because he preferred children who could double as a comforter in a pinch.

 Jacob was a napper

One day, on his way to visit his relatives, Jacob  saw a nice, big, fluffy stone (which in those days was called a pillow) and lay down to take nap.  He dreamed God’s angels were going up and down on an escalator (which in those days was called a ladder).

Jacob's Ladder

In the dream, God told Jacob he was going to give him lots wives and kids and animals and slaves, which made Jacob so happy he told God he would kick back ten percent of his profits to Him.

When Jacob woke up from his dream, he consecrated his nice, big, fluffy rock pillow to God by pouring some consecrating oil on it which he always carried with him for impromptu consecratings.

One night, Jacob decided to take his family camping at the God Campgrounds down by the Jabbok River.  So Jacob’s two wives, two concubines and his eleven children all crammed into the family ox cart.  Jacob also brought along all his cattle, donkeys,  sheep,  goats, and slaves.  Jacob was a notorious over-packer.

An Angel Picks a Fight

That night Jacob realized it was going to be way to noisy to sleep so he sent his family and his animals and his slaves across the Jabbok river.  Then he fluffed up his rock and was just drifting off when an angel wearing a wrestling outfit showed up.

Jacob:  May I help you?

Angel:   I came to wrestle you.

Jacob:  Wrestle me? I haven’t wrestled since high school.

Angel:  You never forget how.  It’s like riding a bike.

Jacob:  Okay, give me a sec while I change into my wrestling garb.

Angel:  Why did you bring your wrestling garb if you haven’t wrestled since high school?

Jacob: I like to be prepared, okay?  You got a problem with that?

Angel:  Well besides being three-sizes too small,  your wrestling garb has consecrating oil stains all over it.  I’m going to have to wrestle you to the ground just because you look so stupid.

Jacob:  Oh yeah wing boy?  Bring it!

Jacob then proceeded to get the angel in a half-nelson and started plucking out his feathers. The angel immediately cried uncle but when Jacob let go, the Angel sucker punched Jacob and dislocated Jacob’s hip.  (The blow would have shattered Jacob’s hip if Jacob wouldn’t have been such a big believer in calcium supplements.)

"One two cha cha cha"
“One two cha cha cha”
“What are you doing? We’re supposed to be wrestling.”
“What? I can’t even have fun with it?”

Angel:  Okay okay you win, Jacob.  You can stop plucking out my feathers now!

Jacob:  Not until you bless me!

Angel:  I can only bless you if I change your name to Israel first.

Jacob:  Why?

Angel:  Because that’s my favorite name, but I also like Karen.  Would you rather be Karen?

Jacob:  Fine.  Call me Ishmael.

Angel:  You mean Israel?

Jacob:  Whatever.

After the match, Jacob realized that the angel he had just wrestled with was God, and that Jacob had seen the face of God and yet he was still alive! So Jacob decided to name the place upon which he and God had wrestled,  Peniel — which means “Thank God for Calcium Supplements.”

"What are you doing, Karen?" "Stetching. And don't call me Karen."
“What are you doing, Karen?”
“Stretching. And don’t call me Karen.”

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday school this week. Please check back next week to find out what Gregory learned in Sunday School.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

How to Be An Effective Parent Using Only the Word “Bingo”

How to be an Effective Parent Using Only the Word Bingo

Kid:   I want a new skateboard.

Parent:   Bingo!

Kid:  So can I have $80?

Parent:  Bingo!

Kid:  Do you want me to clean my room first or something?

Parent:  Bingo!

Kid:  Ok, I cleaned my room.  Can I have the money now?

Parent:  Bingo!

Kid:  Ok, you want me to get your purse?

Parent:  Bingo!

Kid:  So where’s the money?  Don’t you have $80?

Parent:  Bingo!

Kid:  Well, you should have said so in the first place because I wouldn’t have cleaned my room if I would have known you didn’t have any money.

Parent:  Bingo!

Casual Friday Slightly-Creepy Seventies Style

Welcome Dear Readers!  Say, have you ever speculated what people would have worn to the office if they would have had casual Friday back  in the 1970’s?

I’m going out on a limb here, Dear Readers, and guess that the answer is no.   Well,  it’s high time we speculated then, don’t you think?  Let’s get started.

She’s Got Slightly-Creepy 70’s Spunk!

She's got spunk.
70’s Spunk-i-fied!

She’s got style! She’s got vision! She’s got more 70’s spunk than a barrel of Mary Tyler Moores!

This casual-Friday, slightly-creepy 70’s outfit really puts the sass in sassafras and proclaims to the world, “I’m beautiful, I’m optimistic and I’m wearing a yellow hat!

Even Lou Grant could  see that she has  “taking a nothing day and suddenly making it all seem worthwhile” written all over her!

Tie Dye For!

They were a head of their time.
They were carbon footprinting before anybody even had carbon feet!

Here’s a slightly-creepy seventies couple who obviously ride the bicycle they share to the beat of a different drummer!

You won’t find them jumping through their 1970’s boss’s demands! Their casual-Friday,  slightly-creepy 70’s outfits say,” What? You got a problem with our 1970’s counter-culture casual attire?  Screw you boss man!  We’ll jump on the Schwinn that we share and ride, ride, ride!  Away from the demands of “society” and its stupid “rules!”  And, rest assured, Boss Man,  the very second we learn to ride the bike that we share without trainings wheels? . . . Well it’s gonna be  Sayonara Suckers!”

Most Popular 70’s Casual-Friday Attire for the CIA

Meet
Excuse me . . . I think you’re hood is ringing

Daring to wear an outfit like this in today’s office setting might cause a few double takes, but back the slightly-creepy 70’s, this outfit would have been considered just plain boring!

Nobody but nobody would have given the  person wearing such an outfit a second glance.

The CIA knew that if one wanted to be inconspicuous against the back drop of the slightly-creepy 70’s office decor, this outfit fit the bill like none other! Which is why on any given day back in the slightly-creepy 70’s, anybody wearing an outfit like this was more than likely a CIA agent.

Driven to Slightly-Creepy 70’s Casual-Friday Distraction!

Linda Vernon Humor 70's attire
Tree leaningly beautiful!

Here’s a slightly-creepy 70’s, casual-Friday outfit that drove everyone in the 70’s office wild!  So much so that she was asked to go outside and lean up against a slightly-creepy 70’s tree.  

Today, you would find workers out there with her smoking cigarettes, but back in the slightly-creepy 70’s, everyone just smoked at their desks happily puffing and blowing smoke down the hall, around the corner and up the nostrils of their slightly-creepy 70’s boss.

The only people who were ever asked to “take it outside” were the slightly-creepy 70’s  fashionistas who went for broke, fashion-wise on slightly-creepy 70’s casual Friday.

And, of course, we can’t help but love them all  for it!

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  I hoped this answered your questions about . . . uh . . . well whatever the question was, I hope this answered it!

Until next time . . . I love you

David Makes King Saul Jealous

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this morning shall we?
Gregory, the bible according to Gregory linda vernon humor

David’s Killing Skills Make King Saul Jealous

Last week, we learned that David was so loved by the Lord that even when David was sentenced to death by being  thrown in the lion pit, he didn’t get eaten because the Lord  secretly put milk and Purina Lion Chow into the lions’  saucers when no one was looking — rendering them too full for ripping and shredding.

(Wait a minute . . . that might have been Daniel . . . oh well, what’s the difference.)

So anyway, the Lord loved David just as much everybody else did.  That’s because David was as popular in biblical times as Brad Pitt would be today if he wouldn’t have ever met Angelina Jolie.

The Philistine Slaughtering Convention

Anyway, David was like a son to King Saul, that is until the day he and King Saul returned from a Philistine-slaughtering business trip and a group of teenage girls were waiting to meet them at the beaten-path-port.

As soon as they saw them, they  started singing, “Saul has slain his thousands, And David his ten thousands!”  (This was way before songs about  teenage angst had been invented.)

Even though King Saul made pleasant small talk with the girls while he autographed their stones, he made a mental note that since David was viewed by the girls to be a more prolific Philistine Slaughterer than himself, King Saul  was going to have to kill David.

Biblical Teens The bible according to gregory

Oysters were bigger in biblical days than they are now

The next day while David was playing the harp for King Saul, King Saul suddenly got a bee in his bonnet (this was way before crowns were invented) and decided to throw the javelin he was using to eat some really large smoked oysters with at David.

At that precise moment, David leaned over to turn the page of his harp music and the javelin went right over the top of his head, parting his hair so that it fell in an even more becoming  hairdo than before.   This freaked out King Saul because 1)  he used to be so good at darts and 2) it seemed like the Lord liked David better than him and 3)  David’s hair looked better parted on the side.

King Saul devises a convoluted plan to kill David because in biblical days convoluted plans were the only kind of plans that existed 

King Saul:  Hey Dave! How about marrying my daughter, Merab?  All you have to do is fight my battles for me until you are killed in battle. (King Saul hoped he hadn’t said the  killed in battle part out loud)

David:  Who moi?   I’m not worthy to be your son-in-law.  But okay.

King Saul:  Sorry no, she’s marrying somebody else!  Ha!  I can’t believe you thought I was going to let you marry her, but hey, how about marrying my other daughter,  Michal?

David:   She’s a girl right?

King Saul:  Yeah, with a boy’s name.

David:  Okay, but I’m not worthy to marry her either.

King Saul:  True.  But if you slaughter 500 Philistines I’ll let you marry her.

David:  500 hundred!  Five, zero, zero, Philistines? That many?

King Saul:  Okay make it a hundred.

David:  One hundred!  One, zero, zero, Philistines?  That many?

King Saul.  Okay, make it one Philistine.

David:  One! One whole Philistine?

King Saul: Listen, what about if you were to just go next door to Phil Philistine’s house, let his goat loose and over water his geranium plant?

David: Deal!

David just won’t die

When nothing untoward happened to David while he was over-watering Phil’s geranium plant, King Saul told all his servants to kill David. But King Saul’s son, Jonathon,  went to his dad and talked King Saul out of killing David and King Saul agreed.

That is until one day when King Saul was eating some really large oysters again and David was playing the  harp again and well . . . King Saul just couldn’t help himself! He threw his javelin at David.

Only this time David was prepared and not only dodged the javelin but also  managed to reach up and grab the smoked oyster off it as it flew by and popped it into his mouth.

This biblical story would have had a happy ending but the oyster made David quite ill which taught him a good lesson: eating oysters in biblical days was hugely iffy.

And that’s what Gregory learned in Sunday School todayl  Please be sure to stop by next week at this same to see what Gregory will learn in Sunday school next!

David and King Saul the Bible according to Gregory

Until next time . . . I love you

Crochet Your Way to Happiness!

Welcome Dear Readers! Here is a 1984 crocheting booklet that I was lucky enough to score at the thrift shop yesterday! YES! (Okay, nobody else wanted them, but still!)

Let’s Look Inside Annie’s Pattern Club Newsletter!

Humorous 80's commentary
Isn’t it  inexplicably wonderful?

Annie’s Pattern Club was (or possibly still is) a newsletter where mega-talented crocheters crocheted something original and then sent the pattern to Annie, and she would publish the cream-of-the-crop designs her newsletter.

And as you will see, never have so many people come up with so many crocheted solutions for so many things that were never a problem  in the first place.  Let’s look at a few, shall we?

Crocheted Football Mitts

Crocheted Football Mitts. Why didn't they ever "catch" on? Why?
“Gosh!  I don’t understand it.  Billy went to play football with the guys and he didn’t take his  Crocheted Football Mitts I made him.”
“Well that’s weird, maybe he didn’t want the rest of the players to feel bad because they don’t have a pair of Crocheted Football Mitts.”
“You know you’re probably right. I’ll get busy and crochet some mitts for the whole team!”
 

Church Puppet

Storybook Puppet
Need: Attention Getting Device to Keep Children Focused on Bible Stories.
Crocheted Solution: A church puppet, not to be confused the a church pulpit. (Although, a dust cozy for a church pulpit probably would have  made it into Annie’s Newsletter too.)  But what better way for little children to learn about the bible than through the crocheted lips of this memorable, but-not-in-a-good-way church puppet.  Oh sure it might give the little tikes nightmares, but they’ll certainly never forget the experience (no matter how hard they try).

Lil Guy Tie

Little Guy Tie
“Oh no Helen! I can’t find little Billy’s tie anywhere, and we’re going to be late for the formal occasion for which toddler formal attire  is required. What ever shall I do?”
“Don’t worry, Madge! While you were blabbing on and on just now, I knitted Little Billy a tie, a pair of football mitts and a church puppet.”
“Oh Helen I’m blown away!  Maybe you could crochet me something to wear to a formal occasion while you’re at it.”

What to wear to a formal occasion in the 80’s

Formal ocassion attire 80's style
“Here’s some formal attire I knitted for you while you were blowing your nose, Madge. I think it’s perfect for any formal gathering don’t you?”
“DO I! I’ll be the talk of the town wearing this outfit, Helen. Thank you!”
“You are so welcome, Midge!”
“Uh my name’s Madge.”
“Yeah whatever.  And remember, I’m only loaning you my hat!”

And there you have it Dear Readers!  Now get out there and crochet your hearts out!

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Samson

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about how Samson entertained the Philistines.

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregory Samson, The Headliner

One fine shiny biblical morn, a group of Philistine kings along with 3,000 other Philistine party-goers met to celebrate and offer a sacrifice to their God Dagon– while Samson, the strongest man who ever lived was locked up in basement with a buzz cut and his eyes poked out.  The bible says they all sang this song:

“Our god has given us victory over our enemy Samson.” Nobody knows for sure what the tune was — but judging from the lyrics, it probably wasn’t very catchy.

After they were done singing, the energy in the room went way down:

King A to King B:  This party’s getting kind of dull, don’t you think?

King B to King A: I know, I even tried getting up a rousing chorus of “Our god has given us victory over our enemy who devastated our land and killed so many of us”

King C:  And?

King B to King C:  Nothin’.

King D:  I wonder what we could do to liven it up?

King E to King D:  Well, if we had some Christians we could feed them to some lions if we had some lions.

King A to no king in particular:  Oh I know! Let’s let Samson out of prison to entertain us.

King #228:  You mean, Samson, the strongest man who ever lived, who is at this very moment locked up in the basement with the recently shorn hair and the even more recently poked out eyes?

King B:  Excuse me King #228, but I think you wandered into the wrong group of kings.  Where did you come from?

King #228:  1 Kings 19?

King C:  Hahahahaha!  I knew it!  Well anyways, I’m going out for more fig wine. . . wait a minute, I can’t find my chariot reins!

King B: I took them.

King C:  Why?

King B to King C:  Because Kings don’t let Kings chariot drunk.

Later:

King A to King B:  I’m about ready to fall asleep.  You want I should go get Samson out of his cell?

King B to the only King left who was paying any attention at all (King #228):  No let’s send a dumb little boy to take Samson by the hand, and lead Samson, the strongest man who ever lived, out to us and have him  stand between those two pillars over there.

King C to King B:  You mean those two pillars over there that are purely decorative and are not structurally needed should they somehow be destroyed or do you mean the two load-bearing pillars that if something were to happen to them the entire palace would collapse and everyone would be killed including Kings A through #228?

King B:  The latter . .   No wait . . . the former?

While King B was looking up the definitions of former and latter, the dumb little boy led Samson to the two load-bearing pillars and Samson took hold of them and pushed with all his might.

The entire building fell down killing all 3,000 party-goers and every single one of the kings except for King #228 who quickly high-tailed it back to 1 Kings 19.

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  What Gregory learned in Sunday school today. Please check back next week at the same time to find out what Gregory comes up with.

Samson pushing down the pillars

And that concludes this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.  Please check back next week for more biblical adventures as told by Gregory.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

 

Let’s Poke Fun at Album Covers

Welcome Dear Readers!  Today, let’s do something we haven’t done in a while.  Let’s poke fun at albums covers!  Let’s start with this one:

William Holden the World of Suzie Wong

William Holden was a major movie star in the 50’s and 60’s and possibly even the 70’s.   I’m not much of a researcher as I prefer to make up my own facts to save time, but anyway my point is — William Holden can’t paint!

Notice how that outfit Suzie is wearing isn’t anything like the one Bill is painting?  (You don’t mind if I call him, Bill, do you?)  Also, Bill doesn’t look very committed to the task.  I have a feeling he’s holding a bottle of vodka in that hand we can’t see.  Don’t you think so, Bill? (You don’t mind if I call you Bill do you?)

I don’t know how William Holden died, but a long time ago, I remember seeing a sign in someone’s bathroom that said “William Holden Slipped Here.”  So I have a feeling his death was rather untoward.

Which is why we won’t go into it here, Bill,  as this is a humor blog, and, as such, steers clear of unpleasant topics unless it’s  laugh out loud funny like, say, the always popular topic of baby eating.  But I digest . . .

Oh and you can’t see it, Bill, but on the very top of this album in the  left right no left oh who cares corner,  it says this album was  recorded in “New Orthophonic” high fidelity.  Which I guess means it’s for people who have to wear shoes on their ears for medical reasons.  (Not really, I’m just making that up . . . at least I think I’m making it up . . .what do you think, Bill? )

Let’s move on to the super-cheery Clancy Brothers and Tommy Makem, shall we, Bill?

The Clancy Brothers

Okay, Bill, which one do you think is Tommy Makem?  They all look alike to me, Bill.  Do you think that maybe Tommy Makem is a Clancy half-brother?  Maybe he’s the brother nobody knew about until Tommy came a’knockin’ at the door one day with a big announcement?  A big announcement that . . . well  we won’t go into that unpleasantness here, Bill,  as this is supposed to be a humor blog and as such steers clear of topics about things like, say, the  illegitimate makin’ of  Tommy Makems.

Apparently, if one can believe the album blurb,  the Clancy Brothers are Irish. There’s no mention of what Tommy Makem is.  Who cares?  He’s really starting to get on The Clancy Brothers’  nerves anyway.  In fact, I think even though this album is called The First Hurrah!  I have a feeling it’s The Last Hurrah! for poor ol’  illegitimate half-brother, Tommy Makems, don’t you think Bill?

But, Bill,  let’s not worry about such things now, Let’s move on instead to An Hour of Tchaikovsky!

An Hour of Tchaikovsky

Okay, don’t look now, Bill, but this Tchaikovsky Groupie seems to have  her hand hopelessly stuck in her hairdo!  Naturally, she’s confused because she only used seven cans of  hairspray on her hair  —  when she usually applies 43! ( Apparently Tschaikovsky’s been getting into the hairspray cabinet again, what are we going to do with him, Bill?)

But not to worry, she is still managing to keep her composure.  How?  Well, thanks to the magic of eight gallons  of foundation and 3 pounds of eye shadow, three-quarters of a pound of lipstick and half a pound of potato salad.  No  wait . . . that was her lunch.

Okay, well as you can see, Bill, I’m starting to get confused. So I guess it’s just as well that we are  completely out of Album Cover, fun-poking time!  Gosh where does the time go? Where, Bill?  Where?

Until next time . . . I love you