Welcome Dear Readers! Say, have you ever speculated what people would have worn to the office if they would have had casual Friday back in the 1970’s?
I’m going out on a limb here, Dear Readers, and guess that the answer is no. Well, it’s high time we speculated then, don’t you think? Let’s get started.
She’s Got Slightly-Creepy 70’s Spunk!
She’s got style! She’s got vision! She’s got more 70’s spunk than a barrel of Mary Tyler Moores!
This casual-Friday, slightly-creepy 70’s outfit really puts the sass in sassafras and proclaims to the world, “I’m beautiful, I’m optimistic and I’m wearing a yellow hat!
Even Lou Grant could see that she has “taking a nothing day and suddenly making it all seem worthwhile” written all over her!
Tie Dye For!
Here’s a slightly-creepy seventies couple who obviously ride the bicycle they share to the beat of a different drummer!
You won’t find them jumping through their 1970’s boss’s demands! Their casual-Friday, slightly-creepy 70’s outfits say,” What? You got a problem with our 1970’s counter-culture casual attire? Screw you boss man! We’ll jump on the Schwinn that we share and ride, ride, ride! Away from the demands of “society” and its stupid “rules!” And, rest assured, Boss Man, the very second we learn to ride the bike that we share without trainings wheels? . . . Well it’s gonna be Sayonara Suckers!”
Most Popular 70’s Casual-Friday Attire for the CIA
Daring to wear an outfit like this in today’s office setting might cause a few double takes, but back the slightly-creepy 70’s, this outfit would have been considered just plain boring!
Nobody but nobody would have given the person wearing such an outfit a second glance.
The CIA knew that if one wanted to be inconspicuous against the back drop of the slightly-creepy 70’s office decor, this outfit fit the bill like none other! Which is why on any given day back in the slightly-creepy 70’s, anybody wearing an outfit like this was more than likely a CIA agent.
Driven to Slightly-Creepy 70’s Casual-Friday Distraction!
Here’s a slightly-creepy 70’s, casual-Friday outfit that drove everyone in the 70’s office wild! So much so that she was asked to go outside and lean up against a slightly-creepy 70’s tree.
Today, you would find workers out there with her smoking cigarettes, but back in the slightly-creepy 70’s, everyone just smoked at their desks happily puffing and blowing smoke down the hall, around the corner and up the nostrils of their slightly-creepy 70’s boss.
The only people who were ever asked to “take it outside” were the slightly-creepy 70’s fashionistas who went for broke, fashion-wise on slightly-creepy 70’s casual Friday.
And, of course, we can’t help but love them all for it!
And there you have it, Dear Readers! I hoped this answered your questions about . . . uh . . . well whatever the question was, I hope this answered it!
Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.
Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this morning shall we?
David’s Killing Skills Make King Saul Jealous
Last week, we learned that David was so loved by the Lord that even when David was sentenced to death by being thrown in the lion pit, he didn’t get eaten because the Lord secretly put milk and Purina Lion Chow into the lions’ saucers when no one was looking — rendering them too full for ripping and shredding.
(Wait a minute . . . that might have been Daniel . . . oh well, what’s the difference.)
So anyway, the Lord loved David just as much everybody else did. That’s because David was as popular in biblical times as Brad Pitt would be today if he wouldn’t have ever met Angelina Jolie.
The Philistine Slaughtering Convention
Anyway, David was like a son to King Saul, that is until the day he and King Saul returned from a Philistine-slaughtering business trip and a group of teenage girls were waiting to meet them at the beaten-path-port.
As soon as they saw them, they started singing, “Saul has slain his thousands, And David his ten thousands!” (This was way before songs about teenage angst had been invented.)
Even though King Saul made pleasant small talk with the girls while he autographed their stones, he made a mental note that since David was viewed by the girls to be a more prolific Philistine Slaughterer than himself, King Saul was going to have to kill David.
Oysters were bigger in biblical days than they are now
The next day while David was playing the harp for King Saul, King Saul suddenly got a bee in his bonnet (this was way before crowns were invented) and decided to throw the javelin he was using to eat some really large smoked oysters with at David.
At that precise moment, David leaned over to turn the page of his harp music and the javelin went right over the top of his head, parting his hair so that it fell in an even more becoming hairdo than before. This freaked out King Saul because 1) he used to be so good at darts and 2) it seemed like the Lord liked David better than him and 3) David’s hair looked better parted on the side.
King Saul devises a convoluted plan to kill David because in biblical days convoluted plans were the only kind of plans that existed
King Saul: Hey Dave! How about marrying my daughter, Merab? All you have to do is fight my battles for me until you are killed in battle. (King Saul hoped he hadn’t said the killed in battle part out loud)
David: Who moi? I’m not worthy to be your son-in-law. But okay.
King Saul: Sorry no, she’s marrying somebody else! Ha! I can’t believe you thought I was going to let you marry her, but hey, how about marrying my other daughter, Michal?
David: She’s a girl right?
King Saul: Yeah, with a boy’s name.
David: Okay, but I’m not worthy to marry her either.
King Saul: True. But if you slaughter 500 Philistines I’ll let you marry her.
David: 500 hundred! Five, zero, zero, Philistines? That many?
King Saul: Okay make it a hundred.
David: One hundred! One, zero, zero, Philistines? That many?
King Saul. Okay, make it one Philistine.
David: One! One whole Philistine?
King Saul: Listen, what about if you were to just go next door to Phil Philistine’s house, let his goat loose and over water his geranium plant?
David just won’t die
When nothing untoward happened to David while he was over-watering Phil’s geranium plant, King Saul told all his servants to kill David. But King Saul’s son, Jonathon, went to his dad and talked King Saul out of killing David and King Saul agreed.
That is until one day when King Saul was eating some really large oysters again and David was playing the harp again and well . . . King Saul just couldn’t help himself! He threw his javelin at David.
Only this time David was prepared and not only dodged the javelin but also managed to reach up and grab the smoked oyster off it as it flew by and popped it into his mouth.
This biblical story would have had a happy ending but the oyster made David quite ill which taught him a good lesson: eating oysters in biblical days was hugely iffy.
And that’s what Gregory learned in Sunday School todayl Please be sure to stop by next week at this same to see what Gregory will learn in Sunday school next!
Welcome Dear Readers! Here is a 1984 crocheting booklet that I was lucky enough to score at the thrift shop yesterday! YES! (Okay, nobody else wanted them, but still!)
Let’s Look Inside Annie’s Pattern Club Newsletter!
Annie’s Pattern Club was (or possibly still is) a newsletter where mega-talented crocheters crocheted something original and then sent the pattern to Annie, and she would publish the cream-of-the-crop designs her newsletter.
And as you will see, never have so many people come up with so many crocheted solutions for so many things that were never a problem in the first place. Let’s look at a few, shall we?
Crocheted Football Mitts
Lil Guy Tie
What to wear to a formal occasion in the 80’s
And there you have it Dear Readers! Now get out there and crochet your hearts out!
Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about how Samson entertained the Philistines.
Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.
Samson, The Headliner
One fine shiny biblical morn, a group of Philistine kings along with 3,000 other Philistine party-goers met to celebrate and offer a sacrifice to their God Dagon– while Samson, the strongest man who ever lived was locked up in basement with a buzz cut and his eyes poked out. The bible says they all sang this song:
“Our god has given us victory over our enemy Samson.” Nobody knows for sure what the tune was — but judging from the lyrics, it probably wasn’t very catchy.
After they were done singing, the energy in the room went way down:
King A to King B: This party’s getting kind of dull, don’t you think?
King B to King A: I know, I even tried getting up a rousing chorus of “Our god has given us victory over our enemy who devastated our land and killed so many of us”
King C: And?
King B to King C: Nothin’.
King D: I wonder what we could do to liven it up?
King E to King D: Well, if we had some Christians we could feed them to some lions if we had some lions.
King A to no king in particular: Oh I know! Let’s let Samson out of prison to entertain us.
King #228: You mean, Samson, the strongest man who ever lived, who is at this very moment locked up in the basement with the recently shorn hair and the even more recently poked out eyes?
King B: Excuse me King #228, but I think you wandered into the wrong group of kings. Where did you come from?
King #228: 1 Kings 19?
King C: Hahahahaha! I knew it! Well anyways, I’m going out for more fig wine. . . wait a minute, I can’t find my chariot reins!
King B: I took them.
King C: Why?
King B to King C: Because Kings don’t let Kings chariot drunk.
King A to King B: I’m about ready to fall asleep. You want I should go get Samson out of his cell?
King B to the only King left who was paying any attention at all (King #228): No let’s send a dumb little boy to take Samson by the hand, and lead Samson, the strongest man who ever lived, out to us and have him stand between those two pillars over there.
King C to King B: You mean those two pillars over there that are purely decorative and are not structurally needed should they somehow be destroyed or do you mean the two load-bearing pillars that if something were to happen to them the entire palace would collapse and everyone would be killed including Kings A through #228?
King B: The latter . . No wait . . . the former?
While King B was looking up the definitions of former and latter, the dumb little boy led Samson to the two load-bearing pillars and Samson took hold of them and pushed with all his might.
The entire building fell down killing all 3,000 party-goers and every single one of the kings except for King #228 who quickly high-tailed it back to 1 Kings 19.
And there you have it, Dear Readers! What Gregory learned in Sunday school today. Please check back next week at the same time to find out what Gregory comes up with.
And that concludes this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Please check back next week for more biblical adventures as told by Gregory.
Welcome Dear Readers! Today, let’s do something we haven’t done in a while. Let’s poke fun at albums covers! Let’s start with this one:
William Holden was a major movie star in the 50’s and 60’s and possibly even the 70’s. I’m not much of a researcher as I prefer to make up my own facts to save time, but anyway my point is — William Holden can’t paint!
Notice how that outfit Suzie is wearing isn’t anything like the one Bill is painting? (You don’t mind if I call him, Bill, do you?) Also, Bill doesn’t look very committed to the task. I have a feeling he’s holding a bottle of vodka in that hand we can’t see. Don’t you think so, Bill? (You don’t mind if I call you Bill do you?)
I don’t know how William Holden died, but a long time ago, I remember seeing a sign in someone’s bathroom that said “William Holden Slipped Here.” So I have a feeling his death was rather untoward.
Which is why we won’t go into it here, Bill, as this is a humor blog, and, as such, steers clear of unpleasant topics unless it’s laugh out loud funny like, say, the always popular topic of baby eating. But I digest . . .
Oh and you can’t see it, Bill, but on the very top of this album in the leftrightno left oh who cares corner, it says this album was recorded in “New Orthophonic” high fidelity. Which I guess means it’s for people who have to wear shoes on their ears for medical reasons. (Not really, I’m just making that up . . . at least I think I’m making it up . . .what do you think, Bill? )
Let’s move on to the super-cheery Clancy Brothers and Tommy Makem, shall we, Bill?
Okay, Bill, which one do you think is Tommy Makem? They all look alike to me, Bill. Do you think that maybe Tommy Makem is a Clancy half-brother? Maybe he’s the brother nobody knew about until Tommy came a’knockin’ at the door one day with a big announcement? A big announcement that . . . well we won’t go into that unpleasantness here, Bill, as this is supposed to be a humor blog and as such steers clear of topics about things like, say, the illegitimate makin’ of Tommy Makems.
Apparently, if one can believe the album blurb, the Clancy Brothers are Irish. There’s no mention of what Tommy Makem is. Who cares? He’s really starting to get on The Clancy Brothers’ nerves anyway. In fact, I think even though this album is called The First Hurrah! I have a feeling it’s The Last Hurrah! for poor ol’ illegitimate half-brother, Tommy Makems, don’t you think Bill?
But, Bill, let’s not worry about such things now, Let’s move on instead to An Hour of Tchaikovsky!
Okay, don’t look now, Bill, but this Tchaikovsky Groupie seems to have her hand hopelessly stuck in her hairdo! Naturally, she’s confused because she only used seven cans of hairspray on her hair — when she usually applies 43! ( Apparently Tschaikovsky’s been getting into the hairspray cabinet again, what are we going to do with him, Bill?)
But not to worry, she is still managing to keep her composure. How? Well, thanks to the magic of eight gallons of foundation and 3 pounds of eye shadow, three-quarters of a pound of lipstick and half a pound of potato salad. No wait . . . that was her lunch.
Okay, well as you can see, Bill, I’m starting to get confused. So I guess it’s just as well that we are completely out of Album Cover, fun-poking time! Gosh where does the time go? Where, Bill? Where?
Hello Dear Readers and welcome to today’s blog where we will be talking about recipes for people who are all dead now.
Back in 1969, there were a lot of people in the world who liked eating Tomato Aspic, Jellied Gazpacho and Waldorf Salad. Unfortunately all those people are dead now — taking with them to the grave every conceivable need for Knox Gelatin. But don’t worry, through the pages of this bizarre cookbook entitled Knox On-Camera Recipes, we will examine in great detail some Knox Gelatin Recipes that made this country what it used to be. Recipes that salute a quieter, gentler, jigglier time in our nation’s history.
Knox Gelatin On-Camera Recipes from 1969:
The Knox On-Camera Recipes cookbook begins by educating us in the five types of gelatin which are as follows:
The Simple Gel
Unflavored Gelatin Snow
Lemon Chiffon Pie
And there you have it, Dear Readers, our first foray into learning about recipes for people who are all dead now.
Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of the Bible According to Gregory. Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday school this morning, shall we?
Satan Tests Job
Job was a biblical character who lived in the holy land of Uz believed by scholars to have been located somewhere over the rainbow — providing there had ever been enough moisture in the holy land to produce a rainbow.
Job was always extremely careful when it came to not sinning against the Lord.
Cut to the Lord’s Heavenly Conference Room where The Lord was having a meeting with various heavenly beings one of which was Satan himself:
The Lord: Did everybody get their handouts on Sacrificing Do’s and Don’t’s and does anybody have any questions? Yes, the heavenly being with the horns and the name tag that says Santa. What’s you question, Santa?
Satan: Yeah, my name’s not Santa, by the way, it’s Satan, that’s a typo I caused to happen. Bwahaha!
The Lord: I don’t get it, what do you mean by typo?
Satan: It’s a . . . oh never mind.
The Lord: So what have you been up to, Satan?
Satan: Oh you know, walking here and there, roaming around the earth and holding Idle Hands Workshops for the aristocrats, the usual.
The Lord: Well that’s just super! Say, did you happen to notice my servant, Job, he’s like the best worshiper I’ve ever had! He never does anything evil!
Satan:Yeah, that’s because he’s got 7,000 sheep, 3,000 camels, 1,000 head of cattle, 500 donkeys and lord only knows how many cats.
The Lord: That’s not true. I have no idea how many cats he has.
Satan: Bwahaha! There you go again with your sense of humor!
The Lord: My sense of what?
Satan: Never mind. Say, I’m just wondering . . . what about testing Job to see if he would still be such a Goodie-Two-Shoes if his life suddenly became a living hell. I could help you out with that.
The Lord: Well . . . . .
Satan:Ah come on!
The Lord: Well I guess, but only if you promise not to hurt Job. You know how hard it is nowadays to find a good Job.
Satan: Bwahaha! You crack me up!
The Lord: Am I to understand that is your awkwardly worded request stating your desire to be cracked up?
Satan: Say will you look at that! It’s half-past eternity already. Where does the time go? I gotta skedaddle. See ya around, Lord.
Sometime shortly thereafter the following events took place:
Job’s children were having a feast at the home of his oldest son when a servant came running up to Job, huffing and puffing:
Servant: We were plowing the fields and got attacked! All your donkeys were stolen and all your servants were killed!
Job: But they didn’t kill you?
Servant: Yeah . . . (still huffing and puffing) . . . except for me.
Job: Oh great you’re the only slave I have left? And you’re not even in that good of shape.
Then another servant came running up to Job, huffing and puffing.
Servant: Lightening just struck all the sheep and shepherds and everyone was killed but me.
Job: Hmm . . . I’m starting to sense a pattern here.
Just then another servant came running up to Job, huffing and puffing.
Servant: Your children were having a feast at the home of your oldest son when a storm swept in and blew the house down and killed them all.
Job: Except for you . .
Servant: Yeah, how’d you know?
Job: Lucky guess.
After that Job tore his clothes in grief and shaved his head which was the standard biblical procedure when someone a) broke a new pottery water-carrying vessel b) misplaced their dreidel or c) had all their children and animals slaughtered by Satan.
This is about the time the Lord turned on his Heavenly Conference Room hidden earth video camera and observed Job when he said, “I was born with nothing and I will die with nothing. The Lord gave, and now he has taken away. May His name be praised!
In spite of everything that had happened, Job did not sin by blaming The Lord.
It’s a good thing too since Job had nothing left to kill.
And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday school this week, come back next week at this same to so see what new bible lesson Gregory learned about!
Welcome Dear Reader! Well, guess what? The Patronizing Noodle Lady has decided to pay a visit to the blog.
The Patronizing Noodle Lady first showed up in this picture in one of my old cookbooks.
Since then she seems to have wiggled her way out of the photo to become:
The Patronizing Noodle Lady
Today the Patronizing Noodle Lady will set us straight about How to Use Spices by reviewing with us this booklet from the 1958 American Spice Association, a pamphlet written by none other than the The Patronizing Noodle Lady!
What’s that Patronizing Noodle Lady? You want us to open to the first page by opening the cover and then flipping to the page #1. Uh. Okay we’ll try!
Patronizing Noodle Lady please rest assured that even though our interest in spices developed somewhere . . . somehow . . . we had absolutely no idea what was going on and just totally lucked into whatever interest we’ve shown. We were more than likely hallucinating when we saw ourselves as truly glamorous cooks!
Believe us when we tell you, Noodle Lady, that there is absolutely no “mysterious” and difficult feeling we’ve ever had (with the possible exception of getting sucked into a jet engine or falling into a pit of snakes) that is worse than not handling each spice correctly!
Patronizing Noodle Lady you must believe us when we say that we have been trying our whole lives not to confuse the word “spice” with the word “hot’ but it’s just so difficult. We’re always getting them mixed up which is probably why Aunt Martha died from that stomach ache we tried to help her with last week when we suggest she add four pounds of cayenne pepper to her oatmeal. Darn! That’s what we get for guessing!
Patronizing Noodle Lady! Please! Tamper with the basic ingredients! We would never dream of such a thing even if it is according to the dictates of our own imaginations. (As you have so generously allowed us! Thank you btw!) In fact, we will be happy to swear on a stack of cookbooks that we will never — under any circumstances — tamper with basic ingredients or we will swallow an entire tin of cinnamon with an Oregano chaser so help us Julia Child!
Relax? How can we relax with all this pressure we’re under. You wouldn’t happen to have any spices that would help us relax would you Patronizing Noodle Lady? Oh and just one quick question: Do we have to have a college degree to become an expert in the use of spices?
Alright!!! If we start right now using spices with only our high school diplomas, how long will it be before spices will not have any secrets from us? . . . Hello? Patronizing Noodle Lady? Did you hear us? Patronizing Noodle Lady?
Well, Dear Readers, it looks like the Patronizing Noodle Lady has quit answering us because she no doubt has more important people to see and better blogs to visit. But don’t worry, I’m sure she’ll come back soon as there are plenty of things we still need to be set straight on.
“Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.
Every week, Gregory goes to Sunday school. Every week his imagination runs wild during the lessons, and every week he comes home with his own version of the story.
Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this week shall we?
Twist and Shavout
After the ascension of Jesus everybody was waiting for the Holy Spirit to come upon them which Jesus said was going to happen just before he ascended to heaven on a cloud.
The apostles had tried to pin Jesus down to a time line so they’d know when to clear their calendars, but Jesus was never very forthcoming when it came to exact dates.
Shavout it from the Mountain Tops
Then one day, all the apostles and various believers from all over the biblical world were gathered together for the Jewish festival of Shavout, to commemorate when God gave Moses the Ten commandments which was celebrated by a lot of yelling and shavouting.
Of course, because everyone was from different ends of the earth (the earth had way more ends in those days than it has now) they were all shavouting in different languages. It really wasn’t a very fun festival. (They later changed the name of Shavout to “the day of the Pentecost” which means Mardi Gras in Greek but it didn’t help much.)
A Mighty Wind
But then one Shavout, the Holy Spirit came to visit. Everyone was sitting around resting their vocal chords when suddenly there was a noise from the sky that sounded like a strong wind blowing, and it filled the whole house.
But instead of a strong wind, it turned out to be the tongues of fire of the Holy Spirit, which proceeded to touch every person there so that they were filled with the Holy Spirit which enabled them to suddenly speak in another language so that the people from the country of the other language they were speaking could understand every word they said — even though the person listening from the other country knew darn good and well that the person suddenly speaking their language didn’t even know how to ask, “where the restroom?” five minutes earlier!
It was truly a miracle.
But then others started making fun of the believers saying they were drunk.
Finally Peter couldn’t take it any more, he stood up and took the microphone (hand cranked).
“Fellow Jews and all of you who live in Jerusalem, listen to me and let me tell you what this means. These people are not drunk as you suppose. It’s only 9:00 in the morning.”
Random Nazarene Guy has a Question
Then a man from Nazareth raised his hand.
Peter: Yes, you, random Nazarene guy, you had a question?
Random Nazarene guy: Yes, I was just wondering if you knew what time the people would be drunk, approximately.
Then Peter tried to get everybody’s mind off drinking by reminding them what the prophet Joel said concerning “the last days” — being sure to include some good news — that everyone will be filled with the holy spirit — and glossing over the bad news about the sun being darkened and the moon turning red as blood and whatnot.
Peter Keeps Talking
Then Peter ended his talk on a good note by telling them that when the last days came all anyone had to do was call out to the Lord, and they would be saved.
Upon hearing this, everyone felt a lot better until Peter had to go and add a long-winded explanation about how King David had said that the Lord would pile up all his enemies and use them as a footstool and everybody got bummed out again. (Peter never knew when to quit talking.)
Finally, Peter wrapped his speech up by saying, “Save yourselves from the punishment coming on this wicked people!” Which wasn’t really grammatically correct but Peter had been talking nonstop for so long he just didn’t care anymore and handed his microphone back to the random Nazarene guy.
But then, when Peter saw 3,000 lining up to get baptized, Peter took the microphone again and everyone got glum again. That is until Peter launched into the very best rendition of Twist and Shavout this side of the River Jordan!
And they worked it on out.
And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Please stop by next week to see what Gregory learns in Sunday School.
Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.
Today in Sunday School Gregory learned about Noah’s Ark and couldn’t help imagining what Noah and everyone was up to once they were on dry land again, and the only people left on earth.
Noah Sleeps It Off
In last week’s lesson, God turned on the heavenly hose full blast until everything that breathed couldn’t breath anymore, and all the bad people on earth became dead, except for God’s favorite man, Noah, who built an ark etc. etc. (See Old MacDonald’s Farm for more information).
When God finally pulled the plug on the deluge, Noah was 601 years old even though Noah didn’t look a day over 500 and could still touch his toes!
While Noah’s wife and Noah’s three sons Ham, Shem and Japheth and their kids enjoyed sifting through the flood debris for cool stuff, Noah spent most of the time moping in his tent and picking the mud off his robe.
Occasionally Noah would schlep through the flood debris to the barbecue/altar to fix the Lord and (and himself) a Shem burger invented by his son Shem (his son Ham was too lazy to invent anything).
But mostly Noah sat around just whining and complaining to his wife, Betty, about how much he missed mankind. The conversation might have gone something like this:
Betty: Noah, you really need to stop laying around all day kvetching.
Noah: There’s nothing else to do. I hate this place, it’s so boring!
Betty: How can you say that when there’s so much debris out there just waiting to be sifted through. Look what I found just today?
Noah: What is it?
Betty: An apple with one bite out of it!
Betty: Listen, Noah why don’t you start on a project. Do something constructive. You’re a farmer. Maybe you could plant something.
Noah: Hey that’s a swell idea, Betty. I’ll plant a vineyard!
Betty: A vineyard? But we don’t drink. I don’t think the Lord would approve of that, Noah.
Noah: Oh no! Not for wine . . .
Betty: For what then?
Noah: Oh you know, for raisin bran, raisin cookies, Waldorf salads . . .
Betty: I don’t like raisins in salad.
Noah: Okay, whatever, you can pick the raisins out. The point is, Betty, what this place could use is a vineyard! Besides wine seeds are the only seeds I brought with.
Betty: You mean grape seeds?
Noah: Yeah, what’d I say?
Betty: You said wine seeds.
Noah: Whoops. Slip of the tongue.
Betty: Are you sure?
Noah: Betty, I’m 601 years old for god sakes, cut me some slack!
Three years later:
Betty: Noah? What are you drinking?
Noah: Just some . . .hic . . . grape juice.
Three Years and two hours later:
Shem: Hey has anybody seen, Dad?
Ham: He got wasted and passed out in his tent buck naked!
Shem: Oh my Lord!
Japheth; Oh my God!
Ham: Oh you guys, stop being such prigs!
Japheth : We care about, Dad, okay? We’re not pigs, Okay?
Ham: I didn’t say you were pigs, I said you were prigs.
Shem: Same thing.
Ham: Listen Shem, I think I know what a pig is, I was named after one. Hello?!
Jepeath: Come on Shem. Let’s go get a blanket to put over Dad’s buck nakedness.
Shem: What’s a blanket?
Japheth: It’s a robe without sleeves. You really need to keep up with technology better, Shem.
Three Years and Six Hours Later:
Japheth: Dad’s awake and he wants to see you, Ham.
Ham: Yeah Dad?
Noah: I’m putting a curse on your son, Canaan!
Noah: He will be a slave to his brothers. Give praise to the Lord the God of Shem! May God cause Japheth to increase!!
Ham: Well Japheth has been putting on weight but I just thought it was the Shem burgers.
Noah: CANAAN WILL BE THE SLAVE OF SHEM!
Ham: Okay Dad! I’m standing right here. There’s no need to shout. Please use your indoor voice. How about a nice cup of black coffee and a cold shower?
Noah: AND HIS DESCENDANTS LIVE WITH THE PEOPLE OF SHEM! DO YOU HEAR KNOCKING? WHO SET MY CHEESE AFIRE?
Ham: Okay Dad, now I know you’re still drunk. Afire is not even a word, is it?
Noah: A CURSE ON CANAAN!
Ham: But Dad, my son Canaan is just a little innocent boy who loves his grandpa.
Noah: OKAY! MAKE THAT A CURSE ON CANADA!
Ham: Consider it cursed! Go back to sleep, Dad.
Noah: Okay, but wake me up when it’s time for soccer practice.
And there you have it, Dear Readers. How Gregory imagines it was like after for Noah after the flood. Check back next week at this same time to find out what happens next.
Today we are going to put away our mirth, store our humor in the overhead storage compartment and put a lid on our collective jar of Hardy Har Hars — so that we may take a serious look at a trend from 1959 that is so disturbing, so bizarre, so downright twisted that, frankly, we really don’t even want you to read the rest of the post . . . okay fine go ahead and read it . . . but you’ve been warned!
The Edible Horror of 1959
As you can see, this 1959 cook book is trying to pass itself off as an innocent Metropolitan Cook Book featuring foods that are not only delicious and nutritious, but also, foods that appear to have a wonderful outlook on life, a cheerful disposition and an enviable outgoing vivaciousness that would light up a room!
Looks innocent? Look again!
But even though things seem innocuous enough on the surface what these pictures are actually depicting is the sick, brain-washed, utopian edible world of 1959 wherein innocent foods have been programmed into wanting to be eaten.
As evidence, let us take a look at this unsettling illustration:
Here we have meat that has been obviously drugged so that it can be paraded before the eyes of carnivores — by its very own offspring as they wave parsley in an attempt to draw attention to their very own parent’s deliciousness! What in heaven’s name was going on in 1959?
And in another equally unsettling illustration we see this:
Here carrots, radishes and onions are happily waiting in line to be dipped into a boiling caldron of soup! Notice the mindless smiles and the blank affectations in the eyes of indoctrinated vegetables as they so willingly and cheerfully give their lives to this 1959 Orwellian soup du jour! Oh the vegumanity!
And it just keeps getting worse:
Here we have an apple throwing a pie in its OWN face in some sort of sick prelude to the eating of said pie. Thank the good lord, cruel practices such as this do not go on in the present day.
And finally we must insist that all children be out of the room before scrolling down to this final example of 1959 edible horror:
Here we see a strawberry about to take a big bite of sorbet made out of Sister Stawberry! We witness Pear munching delightedly on Brother Pear Pudding and Apple enjoying applesauce made entirely of Mother and Father Apple!
These are images that will forever sully the once pristine synapses of our heretofore innocent brains. I’m sorry Dear Readers to have to do this to you! But you were warned!
Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.
Today in Sunday School Gregory learned about Noah’s Ark and couldn’t help imagining what it must have been like living on the Ark while waiting for the flood to subside.
Life on the Ark
Noah: Honey! Come on! You’re not still packing are you? We’ve got to get going! The floodgates of the sky are opening!
Noah’s Wife, Betty: I can’t get my bath robe to fit into this stupid suitcase!
Noah: Here let me do it.
Betty: Oh no you don’t! You’ll wrinkle everything!
Noah: Honey! I just packed two of every kind of animal into one measly ark. I think I can pack a suitcase.
Betty: Do you think we’ll have room for the trampoline? I’d like to stay in shape, God only knows how long we’ll be stuck on the ark.
Noah: Sure you can bring the tambourine. You know how much I love to sing.
Betty: Not the tambourine, Noah, the trampoline.
Noah: We have a trampoline?
Betty: What’s the matter Noah? You look upset.
Noah: It’s God. I just got all the animals packed in the Ark so they fit nicely and now God has added seven pairs of each kind of ritually clean animal and seven pairs of each kind of bird to the list.
Betty: You mean he didn’t mention it before now?
Betty: Well maybe you could just hose off some of the ones you already have.
Noah: Either way, I’m afraid there won’t be room for any trampolines this trip, honey.
After Noah had finally figured out a way to pack everything into the ark, the Lord shooed all the animals away from the door and slammed it shut. (Part of a zebra’s tail was still sticking out but the Lord just ignored it since there was no way he was ever going to get that door shut again.) Then the Lord gave the ark an almighty heave-ho and off they went!
Day 10 on the ark:
Ham: Dad can’t we open a window or something? The smell in here is gross!
Noah: What’s that? I thought I saw your lips moving, son, but I can’t hear you over all the squawking, and the mooing and the bleating.
Betty: I can’t stand all this sitting! I just know I’m putting on weight. What I wouldn’t give for that trampoline right now.
Noah: What honey? Did you say something about a tambourine?
Shem: I’m hungry! Hey I know! What’s say we barbecue one of the animals!
Japheth: Are we there yet?
Day 50 on the ark:
Everybody in unison: Ninety- nine potter vessels of wine on the ark, 99 pottery vessels of wine, take one down and pass it around 98 pottery vessels of wine on the ark . . .
Day 100 on the ark:
Shem: Hey guess what everybody? We have officially risen 25 feet above the tops of the mountains!
Ham: How do you know that?
Shem: I measured it with this 25-foot flood dipstick Dad let me bring.
Betty: Noah! How come you let Shem bring a 25-foot water dipstick, but you wouldn’t let me bring one lousy little trampoline?
Noah: What’s that Betty? I can’t hear you over all the snorting and the squealing and the bow-wowing.
Japheth: Are we there yet?
Day 130 on the ark:
Shem: Hey Dad a raven and a dove just got out and the raven didn’t come back but the dove did, and it had an olive branch in its beak!
Noah: You know what, Shem, at this point Daddy doesn’t really give a rat’s behind.
Ham: Ha ha! Funny you should say that, Dad, because there are several rats behind you right now!
Noah: Hm . . . apparently some of us have been going forth and multiplying early.
Day 150 on the ark:
Noah: Ninety nine pottery vessels of—
Ham: Hey Dad! Last time I looked outside there wasn’t any water anywhere, just dry land as far as the eye could see.
Noah: What? When was this?
Ham: About three months ago give or take.
Noah: What? Why didn’t you tell me?
Ham: I know how much you hate getting interrupted when you sing.
And a hardy laugh was had by all.
And there you have it, Dear Readers! How Gregory imagines life on the ark during the Great Flood. Be sure and check back next week for the further adventures of Noah and the gang.
Mademoiselle Bouillabaisse-Bourgeois crossed the lobby of the Eiffel Tower and all eyes drank of her beauty like they were drinking a tumbler of Chardonnay after eating a dry, 16-inch baguette.
But no eyes drank more than Benny Flump’s. Benny’s eyes were bigger than his stomach when it came to beautiful French women, and Benny thought Mademoiselle Bouillabaisse-Bourgeois the most beautiful creature he had ever mispronounced.
They would marry!
At the top of the Eiffel Tower she said, “I do.” Benny replied “adieu” and then jumped.
Benny Flump’s linguistic skills left a lot to be desired which I guess I should have said in the first place.