Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of the Bible According to Gregory. Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday school this morning, shall we?
Biblical Wrestle Mania: Almighty God vs. Jacob the Ladder
Jacob was a twin who was born holding onto his brother’s heel. Why anybody even noticed this is odd because Jacob’s twin brother, Esau (pronounced Achoo) was born entirely red and covered with fur. A fact that Jacob’s parents were happy about because it meant they would never have any trouble telling them apart.
The twins’ mother, Rebekah, liked Jacob best because she was partial to children who didn’t shed; while their dad, Isaac, liked Achoo best because he preferred children who could double as a comforter in a pinch.
Jacob was a napper
One day, on his way to visit his relatives, Jacob saw a nice, big, fluffy stone (which in those days was called a pillow) and lay down to take nap. He dreamed God’s angels were going up and down on an escalator (which in those days was called a ladder).
In the dream, God told Jacob he was going to give him lots wives and kids and animals and slaves, which made Jacob so happy he told God he would kick back ten percent of his profits to Him.
When Jacob woke up from his dream, he consecrated his nice, big, fluffy rock pillow to God by pouring some consecrating oil on it which he always carried with him for impromptu consecratings.
One night, Jacob decided to take his family camping at the God Campgrounds down by the Jabbok River. So Jacob’s two wives, two concubines and his eleven children all crammed into the family ox cart. Jacob also brought along all his cattle, donkeys, sheep, goats, and slaves. Jacob was a notorious over-packer.
An Angel Picks a Fight
That night Jacob realized it was going to be way to noisy to sleep so he sent his family and his animals and his slaves across the Jabbok river. Then he fluffed up his rock and was just drifting off when an angel wearing a wrestling outfit showed up.
Jacob: May I help you?
Angel: I came to wrestle you.
Jacob: Wrestle me? I haven’t wrestled since high school.
Angel: You never forget how. It’s like riding a bike.
Jacob: Okay, give me a sec while I change into my wrestling garb.
Angel: Why did you bring your wrestling garb if you haven’t wrestled since high school?
Jacob: I like to be prepared, okay? You got a problem with that?
Angel: Well besides being three-sizes too small, your wrestling garb has consecrating oil stains all over it. I’m going to have to wrestle you to the ground just because you look so stupid.
Jacob: Oh yeah wing boy? Bring it!
Jacob then proceeded to get the angel in a half-nelson and started plucking out his feathers. The angel immediately cried uncle but when Jacob let go, the Angel sucker punched Jacob and dislocated Jacob’s hip. (The blow would have shattered Jacob’s hip if Jacob wouldn’t have been such a big believer in calcium supplements.)
Angel: Okay okay you win, Jacob. You can stop plucking out my feathers now!
Jacob: Not until you bless me!
Angel: I can only bless you if I change your name to Israel first.
Angel: Because that’s my favorite name, but I also like Karen. Would you rather be Karen?
Jacob: Fine. Call me Ishmael.
Angel: You mean Israel?
After the match, Jacob realized that the angel he had just wrestled with was God, and that Jacob had seen the face of God and yet he was still alive! So Jacob decided to name the place upon which he and God had wrestled, Peniel — which means “Thank God for Calcium Supplements.”
And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday school this week. Please check back next week to find out what Gregory learned in Sunday School.
Until next time . . . I love you