The Bible According to Gregory: Fred and The Bears

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of the Bible According to Gregory.  Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday school this morning, shall we?

Gregory of the Bible According to Gregory Linda Vernon Humor

Fred and The Bears

As you may remember from last week’s bible lesson, Gregory was learning about Elisha (pronounced Fred).

Fred  had just inherited the All in One Miracle Cloak from his idol, Elijah, who thew it to him from  the whirlwind God had sent for Elijah to take him up to heaven.

Biblical Fig Juice Stains

The cloak did wonders for Fred’s self-esteem.  It gave him the power to perform miracles,  it brought out the hazel in his eyes, and it even dimmed the shine of his very bald head!

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Horrible Artist’s rendering of what Fred might have looked like.

But the men of Jericho thought Fred’s story about Elijah being whisked off up to heaven in a whirlwind was a bit sketchy.

Jericho Man:  Hi Fred. nice cloak.   Say, have you seen Elijah anywhere?

Fred:  Uh, Elijah . . . uh . . . well,  he’s on a permanent vacation.

Jericho Man:  Oh how nice!  Where?

Fred:  Heaven.

Jericho Man:  You mean he died?

Fred:  Not exactly.  The Lord picked him up in a Whirlwind and took him to heaven while he was still alive.

Jericho Man:  I’m sorry, but I have trouble believing that because the Lord doesn’t travel in a whirlwind, he travels in a cloud.

Fred:  Are you implying I don’t know the difference between a cloud and a whirlwind?

Jericho Man:  Okay I’m bored.   Hey listen, Fred, since you’re the new miracle guy in town, would you mind doing something about the source of our drinking water.  It tastes like Shiite.

Fred:  Not a problem, I can fix that.  Bring me a new jar and put salt in it.

Jericho man:  But won’t that just mask the flavor?

Fred raised his I’m-the-new-miracle-guy-in-town-aren’t- I? eyebrow and the man ran off to fetch Fred a jar of salt.

Fred threw the salt into the Shiite water and everybody watched while he took a sip and pronounced that the water tasted as good as  Alhambra.  And everybody rejoiced by laughing at the way Fred pronounced Abraham.

Fred takes being called “baldy” badly.

After that Fred left Jericho to travel to Bethel as he had some early blankmas shopping he wanted to do. (This was way before Jesus was born.)

On the way there, he encountered a group of boys who started making fun of Fred’s bald head.

“Get out of here baldy!” they all shouted.

Which was the very worst thing you could call a person in biblical days not counting  Unleavened- Pizza- Crust – Face.

So Fred cursed the boys in the name of the Lord and two she-bears came out of the woods and tore the 42 boys to pieces which must have taken a while — long enough for Fred to get out his slab and chisel and chisel 42 hash marks.

Prologue:

After that, Fred traveled on to Mount Carmel, where he  bought everybody on his list a  box of carmels.

He came back by way of Samaria and gifted an extra box he accidentally bought  to a Samaritan who lived there and wished him Merry Blankmas!

And that’s why to this day, if someone buys an extra box of carmels and gives it to someone who lives in Sameria,  they are called a Good Samaritan.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School.  Be sure to check back  next week to see what new and exciting thing Gregory learns in Sunday School.

Disaster-Being-eaten-Bear-eating-Viking1
“So you’re wearing that funny hat because 42 boys called you “Baldy”?
“Yeah.”
“You want I should maul them?”
“Yeah.”

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: The Philistines Get Tumors

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about how God gave the Philistines tumors when they stole the Lord’s Covenant box.

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregory The Philistines Get Tumors

One day a group of untrustworthy Philistines (the Philistines were a group of smarmy biblical peoples all named Phil) were going to some yard sales over in the town of Ebenezer when they came across the Lord’s covenant box.

One of the more gregarious Philistines kept the lady who was running the yard sale distracted by pretending to be interested in a souvenir rock from the Promised Land while two other Philistines ran off with the Lord’s covenant box.

Phil:  Oy!  This covenant box is heavy.  Let’s drop it off at the nearest temple.

Phil:  But the nearest temple’s a block away.

Phil:  No there’s one right behind you. See that sign?

Phil:  You mean the one that says Dagon’s Temple ‘n Dry Cleaners?

Phil:  Yeah.

Phil:  But who’s Dagon?

Phil:  Who’s Dagon? The God of Clean Clothes! Don’t you ever go to false idol sabbath school?

Phil:  Not if I can help it.

Phil and Phil set the Lord’s Covenant box next to the statue of Dagon which immediately toppled over causing both its arms and its head to break off.  

"Doggonit! You broke Dagon!
“We might be able to glue it.”

Phil:  Whoops.

Phil:  Now what do we do?

Phil:  I don’t know . . . say, do you feel lumpy?

Phil:  Come to think of it, yes. Uh oh.  Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Phil: You mean that we both got hives from those figs we ate for lunch?

Phil:  No, that the God of Israel is punishing us for stealing His Covenant Box and putting it next to the statue of Dagon by giving us tumors all over our bodies.

Phil:  Then no, I wasn’t thinking what you were thinking.

Phil: Say, we better get a message to all five kings of the Philistines, King Phil, King Phil, King Phil and King Phil.

Phil:  What about King Phil?

Phil:  Oh yeah, him too.  I don’t know why I always forget him!

After that, all five King Phils got together and did some official hub-bubbing on how to rid themselves of The Covenant Box and their tumors. They decided to try dumping the box off at the city of Gath.

King Phil:  So how’s it going in Gath?

King Phil:  Not so good. Everybody in Gath has bumps.

King Phil:  Maybe everybody in Gath needs a bath?

King Phil:  Always the comedian, aren’t you, Phil.

Then the five King Phils decided to try leaving the Lord’s Covenant box in Ekron.

King Phil:  So how’s it going in Ekron?

King Phil:  Everybody’s got bumps.

King Phil:  Just bumps?  No lumps?

King Phil:  Bumps and lumps.

King Phil:  Bumps and lumps?  Hearing that makes me down in the dumps!

King Phil:  Phil.  Stop.  I begging you.

Seven months later the priests and magicians were brought in to see if they could come up with a way to rid the Philistines of their tumors by getting rid of the Lord’s covenant box –which was turning out to be way more trouble than it was worth.

King Phil:  Good news!  The priests and magicians say we can rid ourselves of our tumors if we put the Covenant Box on a wagon with another box next to it that contains five golden tumors and five golden mice and hitch it to a wagon pulled by two cows that will pull it to the town of Beth Shemesh while they moo all the way there.

King Phil:   Why didn’t we think of that?

King Phil:  Too obvious?

No wait, Bessy.  Let's get our moo's in sync.  First I'll moo and then you moo." "My name's Bossy, not Bessy."
“Now wait, Bessy. Let’s get our moo’s in sync. First I’ll moo and then you moo.”
“My name’s Bossy, not Bessy.”

When the Covenant box got to Beth Shemesh, the people rejoiced by  chopping up the wagon and the cows and by burning them as a sacrifice to the Lord and a good time was had by all — except for the seventy guys who the Lord killed for looking in the box — but it was still pretty fun anyway.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School today.  Please check back next week to see what Gregory learns about next time.

Until next time . . . I love you

"Does that look like a tumor or a hive to you?" "I'm going with dry skin."
“Does that look like a tumor or a hive to you?”
“I’m going with dry skin.”

Gregory’s Vacation Bible School: Elijah and Elisha

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s vacation bible school.  Gregory is having a lot of fun at bible school this summer.  Today he was asked to tell the story of Elijah and Elisha.

Gregory of the Bible According to Gregory Linda Vernon Humor

 Elijah and Elisha

Back in biblical days before the days of the week had names, everybody just said “and it came to pass” to refer to any day other than “today”.  On this particular “and so it came to pass” there were two bible men named Elijah (Eli) and Elisha (Fred).

The Very First Biblical Groupie

Eli was a traveling miracle performer and Fred was his devoted fan who followed Eli around everywhere he went like a little puppy dog.

Finally one day Eli just couldn’t take it anymore.

Eli:  Hey listen. Fred, it’s been great and all, but I just got word that the Lord is sending a whirlwind for me any minute now to take me up to heaven.  So I’ll see ya around.

Fred:    Yeah but where are you going now?

Eli:   The Jordan River.

Fred:  Oh I love the Jordan River!  I’ll come too!

Eli: There’s not enough room in the cart, sorry man.

Fred:  I see plenty of room in the cart!

Eli:  Yeah, but I like to stretch out.

Fred:   Oh right!  Gotcha!  I’ll just run along behind.

When they got to the Jordan River. Eli told Fred to stay where he was because in order to cross the river, he was going to have to part the water with his “all in one miracle cloak.”  (This was way before swimming had been invented.)

Fred: What?  You’re going to do some water parting?  Oh I love that!  I’ll come too.

Eli sighed and rolled his eyes, and while he was parting the river, he looked over at Fred who was dusting out Eli’s cart and fluffing Eli’s cart-pillow, and he felt a pang of guilt.

A Lovely Parting Gift

Eli:  Hey listen Fred.  I’d like to give you a lovely parting gift before the Lord’s whirlwind  comes to get me.  So what would you like?

Fred:  Oh gosh.  I need so many things.  Some new sandals maybe?

Eli:  Great new sandals it is!

Fred:  But then again I could use a new cloak.  This one’s got fig juice stains all over it.

Eli:  Great.

Fred:  No wait!  I know!  I’ll take a portion of your power that will make me your successor!

Just then the Lord’s Whirlwind pulled up and Eli got in and told the driver, “Heaven and make it snappy!”

And that was the last time Fred ever saw Eli again.

A Biblical Nervous Breakdown

Fred was so grief stricken, he had the usual biblical nervous breakdown which consisted of tearing at his fig-stained cloak and ripping it into shreds using nothing but his one good tooth and his fingernails.  (This was way before the invention of fingernail clippers.)

Then he spied Eli’s magic cloak laying on the ground and put it on.  Seconds later, the Jordan River parted, and Fred walked across and found 50 men there who immediately began bowing at his feet and telling him they would go find Eli for him.

Fred sat down and chugged big goblet of fig juice, while the men ran off to the mountains and valleys to look for Eli and came back and reported to Fred that Eli was nowhere to be found.

But Fred wasn’t listening anyway, because he was too busy marveling at how the fig juice he spilled all over Eli’s “all in one miracle cloak” hadn’t left a stain. (This was way before Tide Sticks had been invented.)

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Vacation Bible School school! Check back next week at this same time to see what Gregory learns about next.

Until next time  . . . I love you

Elijah Ascends on the Lord's fiery chariot to heaven

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Abraham Pleads for Sodom

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned about God’s plan to wipe out Sodom. This week’s lesson is based loosely on Genesis 18: 16-33 if you’d like to follow along.

Gregory's Bible StoriesAbraham Pleads for Sodom

One day three men came to visit Abraham.  Or at least they looked like three men to Abraham who was 99-years-old and hadn’t been able to find his cotton-pickin’ glasses since the dang deluge.

One of the men turned out to be The Lord, Himself,  who liked to travel  disguised as a man because He didn’t like getting stopped every ten minutes to pose to have his statue sculpted with hordes of Japanese tourists.

Anyway, Abraham and the three men went to a place where they could look down on Sodom. Some biblical scholars believe the place where Abraham and the three men went to look down on Sodom was on top of a hill where Abraham kept his collection of step ladders. (He was storing them for his friend Jacob.)

“But Lord, don’t you want to climb up on a ladder in order to look down on Sodom?”                                        “How can you even ask that, Abraham, when you know how I feel about heights?”

While Abraham and the Lord were looking down on Sodom, the Lord remarked to himself about what he planned to do regarding Sodom.  He said it so so quietly to Himself that only the bible could hear: “I will not hide from Abraham what I am going to do.  His descendant’s will become a great and mighty nation and through him I will bless all nations.”

Abraham:  Did you just say something, Lord?

The Lord:  I was just thinking about the sorry state of affairs in the city of Sodom, and that I may have to take some unpleasant action to remedy the situation.

Abraham:  I know! They really ruined that place when they cut down all the trees and put in all those one-way streets.

The Lord:  Yes something definitely has to be done, alright.

Abraham:  Are you’re going to make them plant trees and get rid of the one-way streets then?

The Lord:  No, actually  I was thinking more along the lines of slaughtering every single man, woman and child.

Abraham:  Whoa!  I hope you’re joking!

The Lord:  Oh Abraham, haven’t you spent enough time with me by now to know I have absolutely no sense of humor — and while we’re on the subject,  I’d like to know what’s so damn funny about the platypus!

Abraham:  But Lord, what if there are 50 innocent people living in Sodom? Wouldn’t you spare Sodom in order to save fifty innocent people?

The Lord: Meh.

Abraham:  But you are the Judge of all the Earth! Shouldn’t you act justly? I may be just a man, but that’s mega messed up if you ask me.

The Lord:  Oh Abraham, you’re so high strung.  Okay, fine.  If I find 50 innocent people living there I won’t destroy it.

Abraham:  But what if you only find 45?  Will you still destroy the city?

The Lord:  45?  Oh I don’t know. I guess I won’t if you’re going to get all fussy about it.

Abraham:  What about 40?

The Lord:  Oh for crying out loud, Abraham.  You’re so anal!  Okay fine.  I won’t massacre the entire population if there are 40 innocent people.

Abraham:  What about 30 or 20 or 10?

The Lord:  You’re annoying, you know that?  Okay, listen, if I find there are 10 innocent people in Sodom, I’ll icksnay on the aughterslay?   Happy?   Now go prepare me a sacrifice. I’m starving.

Abraham:  So you actually eat the sacrifices then?

The Lord:  Well no . . . I  . . . I just like to smell them cooking.  Sometimes I eat them.  It depends on how fat I’m feeling.  Prepare me a goat, Abraham.

Abraham:  Sorry, I sacrificed the last goat this morning.

The Lord:  What about lamb?

Abraham:  Fresh out.

The Lord:  Okay just give me a first-born calf then.

Abraham:  86 on the first-born calves.

The Lord:  Well what do you have?

Abraham:  How does roasted platypus sound?

The Lord:  Okay, but if there’s a bill, you’re not getting a tip.

Abraham:  Lord!  You sort of made a joke!

And a good laugh was had by all — except for The Lord who never got his own jokes.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School today.  Please check back next week when the three men go to Sodom and find out there’s worse things a city can have than too many one-streets.

"Don't feel bad about the Platypus Abraham.  Next time just make it medium rare, that's all."
“Don’t feel bad about the Platypus, Abraham. Next time just make it medium rare and don’t give me the bill, that’s all I’m saying.”

Until next time . . . I love you

Holy Rollers! Sarah’s Bad Hair Day!

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of the Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned about how Abraham got a surprise visit from three men with some unbelievable news concerning his wife, Sarah. This week’s story is loosely based on Genesis 18: 1-15 if you would like to loosely follow along.

Gregory's Bible StoriesHoly Rollers!  Sarah’s Bad Hair Day!

One hot biblical afternoon in the Sacred Trees of Mamre, Abraham was sitting in the entrance of his tent trying to get cool. The air-conditioning (hand-cranked) was on the blitz due to the fact that all his hand-cranking slaves were out sick with carpal tunnel syndrome.

Abraham was just sitting there relaxing, unraveling some stray threads on his robe when he looked up and saw three men standing nearby.  When Abraham saw them. he ran out to greet them and bowed to the ground.

Abraham could tell just by looking at them that they were pretty special.  (Some biblical scholars believe Abraham could tell the three men were special because they were all wearing robes that had God Squad printed in big Hebrew letters on the backs while other biblical scholars believe some biblical scholars are full of it.)

The conversation that followed might have gone something like this:

Abraham:  Well hello there fellows!  It is me, Abraham, you’re humble servant.  Take a load off under that tree over there, while  I’ll run to fetch some water to wash your feet.  Not that they need it, or anything.

Three men:  Sounds good.

Abraham:  Oh and I’ll also bring you some food so that you may refresh yourselves.

Three men:  We sure could use some lawn chairs while you’re at it.

Abraham: Tell me about it!  Unfortunately my lawn-chair-weaver slaves are out sick with osteoarthritis.

Three men:  Very well,  just get us some food and wash our feet then.

Abraham:  I’m on it!

Abraham ran back to the tent to tell his wife, Sarah, about the three visitors.  The conversation might have gone something like this:

Abraham:  Sarah, quick!  Get out the best flour and bake some bread, get all these tent pillows picked up, this place is a sty! And, you, slaves with the carpal tunnel syndrome! Look alive!

Sarah:  What’s going on?

Abraham: We’ve got important visitors.  Oh, for heavens sakes, Sarah, why are you still wearing  curlers in your hair when it’s eleven o’clock in the morning?

Sarah:  Can I help it if my curler-unfurling-slaves are all out sick with–

Abraham:  Don’t tell me.  Carpal tunnel syndrome?

Sarah:  No I think it’s tendonitis.

Abraham hurried out into his herd of cattle and picked out a calf that was tender and fat and handed it over to his barbecuing slave.

Abraham:  Here you go barbecuing slave.  Take this calf and cook it for the visitors. Make it medium rare and don’t forget to baste it.

Cooking Slave:  I can make it medium rare, but I won’t be able to baste it as I’m having a little trouble with my–

Abraham:  Don’t tell me. Tendonitis?

Cooking Slave:  No I think it’s Repetitive Strain Injury.

When everything was ready Abraham scurried out to the visitors.  He took them some meat, some cream and some milk and set the food before the men. He served them himself and they ate, and then they asked Abraham:

Three men:  Where’s your wife, Sarah?

Abraham:  She’s in the tent, she’s having a having a bad hair day.

One man who later turned out to be the Lord said:   Nine months from now I will come back and your wife Sarah will have a son.

When Sarah overheard this revelation from inside the tent, she laughed to herself because not only  was she too old to have a baby,  Abraham was 99, and Viagra hadn’t even been invented yet.  

The Lord:   Why does Sarah think she can’t have a baby?  I just heard her laughing to herself inside the tent. Is there anything too hard for the Lord?  As I said, nine months from now I will return  and Sarah will have a son.

Sarah:  I didn’t laugh, Lord.

The Lord:  Oh yes you did, Sarah!  I heard you!

Sarah:  What?  No, that’s the sound I always make when I have to yank out my own curlers.  It’s more of yelp than a laugh.

The Lord:  I know laughing when I hear it, and you were laughing.

Sarah:  No I wasn’t!

The Lord:  Yes you were!

Abraham:  Hey you two! What difference does it make?  It’s not like thousands of years from now people will be reading in the bible about whether or not the Lord overheard Sarah laughing . . . .

The Lord:  Well I suppose you’re right.

Abraham:  That’s the spirit! Now, who wants another foot washing — raise your hand!

The Lord:  I’ll take another one.

Abraham:  Great!  Listen would you mind if Sarah washed your feet instead of me.  All this foot washing is giving me–

The Lord:  Repetitive Strain Injury?.

Abraham:  No I think it’s Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School today.  Please check back next week when Abraham tries to think of something positive to say to say to the Lord about Sodom.

Until next time  . . . I love you

The Lord accuses Sarah of Laughing at him
The Lord, Sarah and Abraham