Gregory’s Bible Stories: The Philistines Get Tumors


Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about how God gave the Philistines tumors when they stole the Lord’s Covenant box.

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregory The Philistines Get Tumors

One day a group of untrustworthy Philistines (the Philistines were a group of smarmy biblical peoples all named Phil) were going to some yard sales over in the town of Ebenezer when they came across the Lord’s covenant box.

One of the more gregarious Philistines kept the lady who was running the yard sale distracted by pretending to be interested in a souvenir rock from the Promised Land while two other Philistines ran off with the Lord’s covenant box.

Phil:  Oy!  This covenant box is heavy.  Let’s drop it off at the nearest temple.

Phil:  But the nearest temple’s a block away.

Phil:  No there’s one right behind you. See that sign?

Phil:  You mean the one that says Dagon’s Temple ‘n Dry Cleaners?

Phil:  Yeah.

Phil:  But who’s Dagon?

Phil:  Who’s Dagon? The God of Clean Clothes! Don’t you ever go to false idol sabbath school?

Phil:  Not if I can help it.

Phil and Phil set the Lord’s Covenant box next to the statue of Dagon which immediately toppled over causing both its arms and its head to break off.  

"Doggonit! You broke Dagon!
“We might be able to glue it.”

Phil:  Whoops.

Phil:  Now what do we do?

Phil:  I don’t know . . . say, do you feel lumpy?

Phil:  Come to think of it, yes. Uh oh.  Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Phil: You mean that we both got hives from those figs we ate for lunch?

Phil:  No, that the God of Israel is punishing us for stealing His Covenant Box and putting it next to the statue of Dagon by giving us tumors all over our bodies.

Phil:  Then no, I wasn’t thinking what you were thinking.

Phil: Say, we better get a message to all five kings of the Philistines, King Phil, King Phil, King Phil and King Phil.

Phil:  What about King Phil?

Phil:  Oh yeah, him too.  I don’t know why I always forget him!

After that, all five King Phils got together and did some official hub-bubbing on how to rid themselves of The Covenant Box and their tumors. They decided to try dumping the box off at the city of Gath.

King Phil:  So how’s it going in Gath?

King Phil:  Not so good. Everybody in Gath has bumps.

King Phil:  Maybe everybody in Gath needs a bath?

King Phil:  Always the comedian, aren’t you, Phil.

Then the five King Phils decided to try leaving the Lord’s Covenant box in Ekron.

King Phil:  So how’s it going in Ekron?

King Phil:  Everybody’s got bumps.

King Phil:  Just bumps?  No lumps?

King Phil:  Bumps and lumps.

King Phil:  Bumps and lumps?  Hearing that makes me down in the dumps!

King Phil:  Phil.  Stop.  I begging you.

Seven months later the priests and magicians were brought in to see if they could come up with a way to rid the Philistines of their tumors by getting rid of the Lord’s covenant box –which was turning out to be way more trouble than it was worth.

King Phil:  Good news!  The priests and magicians say we can rid ourselves of our tumors if we put the Covenant Box on a wagon with another box next to it that contains five golden tumors and five golden mice and hitch it to a wagon pulled by two cows that will pull it to the town of Beth Shemesh while they moo all the way there.

King Phil:   Why didn’t we think of that?

King Phil:  Too obvious?

No wait, Bessy.  Let's get our moo's in sync.  First I'll moo and then you moo." "My name's Bossy, not Bessy."
“Now wait, Bessy. Let’s get our moo’s in sync. First I’ll moo and then you moo.”
“My name’s Bossy, not Bessy.”

When the Covenant box got to Beth Shemesh, the people rejoiced by  chopping up the wagon and the cows and by burning them as a sacrifice to the Lord and a good time was had by all — except for the seventy guys who the Lord killed for looking in the box — but it was still pretty fun anyway.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School today.  Please check back next week to see what Gregory learns about next time.

Until next time . . . I love you

"Does that look like a tumor or a hive to you?" "I'm going with dry skin."
“Does that look like a tumor or a hive to you?”
“I’m going with dry skin.”

6 thoughts on “Gregory’s Bible Stories: The Philistines Get Tumors

  1. You have reminded me Linda of al the people I have known in life to whom I placed the title of Philistine were in fact men called Phil and a woman called Phyllis. She was a particularly painful character. She wrote poetry based on the life and times of Old Testament characters and would insist on reading them at Sunday School meetings. Her poetry wore thin after a while once we realised she had a fixation of pillars of salt.
    Spiritually uplifting as always Linda. Have a good week.

  2. Way, way too obvious…. I mean the Philistines, naturally. BTW, where did you find the biblical era sketch of the gay flasher? I know he’s gay because he’s flashing the guy with the beard, not the woman… Any who, why isn’t anyone paying you for this stuff?…

    Just sayin’….

    gigoid, the dubious, frozen in shock and awe….

    :-0

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