Bobby
Having missed the last train to Dorkville, Bobby decided to hang out with me at the coffee shop where I worked — until the next train arrived.
Well not really hang out officially. More like send me imagined hugs and kisses and god only knows what else from upon the stool he spent a lot of time occupying at the lunch counter.
Bobby was 35, and I was 19. He was married to a 15-year-old (which was apparently legal in some states back then) but worst of all, Bobby had fallen hopelessly, helplessly in love with me after having misinterpreted my statement, may I take your order? to mean I love you Bobby!
From that point forward Bobby was in dorky-stalker Love with a capital L.
Bobby’s personality consisted entirely of him saying no way shape or form after everything.
He’d say: Do you know what time it is?
I’d say: 2:30
He’d say: No way shape or form! (only he’d draw out the word form like this: fo-ho-ho-horm!)
Or he’d say, “Can I get a cup of coffee?”
I’d say: “Do you take cream?”
He’d say: “No way shape or fo-ho-ho-horm.”
“I want to get you something for Valentines Day.” Bobby said to me one day.
“No please! BOBBY!! Listen to me!” I pleaded, “You’re married! It’s completely inappropriate! Please I beg of you. DO NOT GET ME ANYTHING FOR VALENTINES DAY!”
“No way shape or fo-ho-ho-horm.” Bobby sing-songed. “I’m getting you something anywho!”
Well sure enough, on Valentines day, during the busiest part of the lunch hour when the coffee shop was full, here comes Bobby waltzing through the restaurant making a beeline straight for me, his eyes shining brightly with dorky-stalker love, his thick coke-bottle glasses slightly askew in his excitement, carrying a two-and-a-half pound box of chocolates that had a huge story-book doll glued to the top of it.
All eyes and ears were ratcheted our way listening to the conversation that ensued:
Bobby: I brought you something, Sweetie! Happy Valentines day!
I said, “No I can’t take this Bobby! No! You need to give it to your wife.”
Bobby: “No way shape or fo-ho-ho-horm.” I already gave her one just like it!”
Embarrassed and defeated, I took the world’s largest box of chocolates from Bobby’s grubby little hands — but only because I was starting to hear some “oh how sweet ooh-ing and ahh-ing” coming from the lunch crowd. And I stuck it out of sight as quickly as I could before dissolving into a perfect puddle of Valentines Day humiliation.
I don’t remember what finally happened to Bobby. Maybe somebody shot him.
If so, we all know what his last words were.
Happy Valentine’s Day, Dear Readers, and may today and all your Valentines Days be Bobby-free!
Until next time . . . I love you (No . . no! Not you Bobby!)
Linda Vernon Humor 
We seem to have a knack for attracting the biggest dorks on the planet! Like mother like daughter! I remember you telling me about the guy who “casually” showed up on your ski trip with 37 wearing his finest pair of blue jeans to ski in and how he tried to impress you. And who can forget that guy James who used to call for me and fake yawn (to pretend nonchalance?) when asking “Is…yaaaaaaaaaawn, Jackie there?”
Haha! I have to wonder what the “Is . . .yaaaawn . . .Jackie there?” boy is doing now! LOL! I forgot all about that! 😀 And I remember the guy who left you a twenty dollar tip then coincidentally asked you out on a date right after that! hahaha!
So, due to an unfortunate piece of html formatting, the answer to the question at the end, re: Bobby’s last words, seemed to imply that his last words were… “Happy Valentine’s Day, Dear Readers, and may today and all your Valentines Days be Bobby-free!”
But we all know that isn’t what he said, right?…. NO WAY, SHAPE, OR, FOHOHORRM he said that!
Well, it was funny when I thought of it…. I guess it loses a little in the execution…. never mind….
Nice…. I’ve never been stalked, but have known several Bobby’s in my life…. losers, every one…. but, funny losers, for sure….once you could look past their pathetic parts….
Oh your right . . . It looks exactly like that’s what his last words were! Haha!
You know, a Valentines Day never goes by but what I don’t think of Bobby. (Could it be that over the years it is I that has become the stalker? What? No way shape or fohohorrm!) I would imagine that Bobby is delivering a big box of chocolates to some waitress as I am typing this if someone hasn’t already shot him, that is. 😀
hahaha! Oh, Linda, what would life be without these dorky people showing up in our lives? “No way, shape or form,” is just the topper! That’s how I knew it was a true story – no one could make that up! LOL! I will say this for Bobby, he did have exceptional taste and knew just who to zero in on to profess his already married love to. 😀
PS – Jackie’s suitors crack me up, too!
Oh I’m so glad you enjoyed it Lisa. I was thinking that maybe it was a little mean, but then I thought, hey wait a minute. He was a 35-year-old man who was married to a 15-year- old while trying to hit on a 19-year-old whom he honestly thought he could win over with a huge box of chocolates and if that didn’t work there was his secret weapon the doll!! LOL!! He’s the kind of guy who would pay millions to propose during the super bowl half-time hoping that you’d be under too much pressure to say no — or — short of that give you a two-and-a-half pound box of chocolates with a doll on top! Hey I think I just rationalized my way out of not feeling kind of mean about this post! LOL!! 😀
This is hilarious, Linda! I love the picture of Bobby. When i got to the line …maybe somebody shot him… I completely cracked up. Fantastic! 😀
Oh, Dianne, I’m so glad you got a laugh out of Bobby. He’s the wanna-be boyfriend that just keeps on giving even after all these years, bless his dorky little heart! 😀
I think he just wanted someone to act as an older sister for his wife.
So did you end up eating the chocolate afterwards?
Yes but I didn’t play with the doll. 😀
:O I don’t know what else to say!
No way shape or fo oh oh horm perhaps? LoL! 😀
Same to you in every way shape and for or ormm
LoL!! NWSOF right back attcha Bucky! 😀
It seems Bobby has stolen my moves and my catchphrase. However, I have never been shot. I have been shot at, there’s difference.
Hahahah Idiotprufs! That Bobby is a friggin’ genius (He stole the catchphrase friggin’ genius from me) god he’s such a little douchebag! (he stole that too!) No wonder he got shot!
I didn’t know you worked in a lunch counter….no wonder he was smitten..Diane
Ha! Yes no wonder! I was an up and coming career gal making $1.60 an hour plus tips! Ah those were the days, Diane! 😀
Happy Belated Vday to you too!
Oh thank you so much! Happy Valentine’s day to you too! : D Hope you had a nice one!