Hello Dear Readers. It seems the cold, cruel calendar will be ushering in the Fourth of July tomorrow and before I’ll even have time to get out of bed! The calendar is such a tyrant.
Which brings us to another kind of tyranny (albeit in an ineptly worded segue). One that we Americans had foisted upon us on the Fourth of July 200- odd years ago by the British Empire — resulting in the Declaration of Independence!
I’d look up exactly how many years ago it was, but I think google’s closed today. . . okay, okay I’ll try . . .
Hmm. . . As it turns out google is open but judging from the answers it’s given me, everybody went home early to light firecrackers. They must have the temps working because I asked google the following question:
Hi Google, Happy 4th! Which reminds me, what were the atrocities the British Empire inflicted on the American Colonists that resulted in the Declaration of Independence?
And here’s the answers it gave me (as far as you know anyway).
1. The British Empire kept messing with the price of crumpets causing the colonists all kinds of unpleasant menu-planning issues.
2. The Colonists did not want to be bullied into memorizing a list of all of England’s past kings and queens in American public schools.
3. If the Colonists hadn’t declared their independence, they would have had to wake up from their siestas early (see Spanish-American War) for tea time (see Atrocities of the British Empire)
4. The Colonists had a premonition they weren’t going to appreciate the humor of Monty Python.
5. The Colonists picked up on the fact that the British Empire thought they wore lame clothes and were borderline dirty.
6. The British Empire imposed a tax on Nursery Rhymes which infuriated the colonists due to the fact that none of them even rhymed very well.
7. American Colonists were vehemently opposed to using the word “row” instead of the word “fight” like the British Empire kept nagging them to do.
Well, Dear Readers, that about does it for the Fourth of July post.Idon’t know about you,but I’m already 4th-ed out!
Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.
Every Sunday Gregory attends Sunday school and every Sunday he comes home and retells what he learned.
Today Gregory learned about how God created Adam and Eve.
Adam Takes a Wife Please
When Adam lived alone in the garden of Eden, the Lord noticed that Adam wasn’t doing so well. First of all, the garden was a mess. There were banana peels and watermelon rinds and half-eaten figs piled everywhere. Even though it was Adam’s job to be the guardian of the garden, he kept forgetting to water the plants and the last time he had actually mowed the lawn was never.
Most of the time all Adam wanted to do was sit in a big pile of leaves and stare straight ahead imagining how much better his life would be if God would create two teams of men who dressed up in cool outfits and tackled each other.
Then the Lord God said,“It is not good for the man to live alone. I will make a suitable companion to help him.”
And Adam rubbed his hands together and thought, “Hot Diggity Dog!”
But when God took some soil and started forming animals and birds, Adam’s smile quickly faded.
God: What’s the matter Adam? Don’t you like the animals I’m creating? Lookee this one! It’s got fur, a bill and webbed feet! Isn’t it hilarious?
Adam: Meh . . .
God: Ah come on, Sport! Cheer up! I’m going to let you name them all.
Adam: But I don’t want to name all those stupid animals you’re creating. That’s just another chore. I never have any fun.
God: Uh oh . . . I know a man who got up on the wrong side of the ground this morning.
Adam: Stop making that joke, Dad, it’s not funny.
God: Okay, but try taking another look at this animal with the bill and the fur and the webbed feet and just try to keep a straight face!
God: . . . and so this last one you want to call a Walrus? How do you want to spell that? With two r’s?
Adam: You know what, Dad? I hate to break it to you, but not one of the birds or animals you created is a suitable companion for me.
God: What? Not even the goldfish with their bubbly little smiles?
Adam: No Dad.
God: But why not?
Adam: They can’t talk, they can’t cook, and they wouldn’t know a decorative pillow if their life depended on it.
God: Oh I see what you’re getting at. Here swallow this.
Adam: What is it?
About an hour later Adam opened his eyes and Eve was standing before him.
God:Welp. What do ya think?
Adam: At last here is one of my own kind. Bone taken from my bone and flesh from my flesh. Woman is her name because she is taken out of man. Thanks Dad.
God: No problem.
Adam: Oh and Dad?
Adam: Before you go, how would you feel about creating two teams of men in really cool outfits, an oblong ball made out of pigskin — because I know you just created those pigs– I was thinking maybe it would be fun to watch them try to keep the ball from each other and whatnot.
God: But while you’re watching them do that what will Eve be doing?
Adam: Oh I don’t know. She could be walking in the garden, making new friends, sampling fruit . . .
God:That sounds harmless enough. I’ll do it!
Adam: Hot diggity dog!
And there you have it Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School. Please check back next week to find out what he will learn next.
Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.
Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned about the day Jesus brought his three favorite disciples to meet his Dad.
Meeting Jesus’s Dad
One day Jesus decided totake his three best friends, Peter, James and John up on a high mountain alone. The bible doesn’t say how the other nine disciples felt about their not being invited and biblical scholars can only speculate that Peter, James and John came home to find their robes all tied together.
Anyway, once they all got up to the top of the mountain, the disciples watched while Jesus prayed. The more Jesus prayed, the sleepier the disciples got. Before you know it, the disciples were out like unattended oil lamps!
When the disciples opened their eyes,Jesus had changed into his heavenly civvies which the disciples described as being as bright as the sun.
But that’s not all! The disciples saw that there were now two men with Jesus. One was Moses and the other one was Elijah. Apparently the disciples knew who these two men were. (Most biblical scholars agree they were wearing name tags.)
Peter piped up immediately and said he would like to build them all some tents. One for Jesus, one for Moses, one for Elijah and one for the little boy who lived down the lane (Peter was a kidder).
Anyway just as Peter was going on and on about tents, he was interrupted by what looked like a shiny cloud, but was actually Jesus’s Dad, God. God said:
“This is my beloved son in whom I am well pleased; hear him.”
When the disciples heard God’s voice the disciples all screamed and threw themselves face down on the ground.
After awhile, Jesuscame and touched them and told them not to be afraid and when the disciples looked up the two men were gone and there was no sign of the shiny cloud.
As they came down the mountain Jesus asked the disciples not to tell anybody what they saw until the Son of Man had been raised from death. The disciples pretended to know what Jesus was talking about even though they had no idea what Jesus was talking about. (When asked about this later, the disciples insisted they did keep the story a secret and had absolutely no idea how it had gotten in the bible!)
When they got back home sure enough Peter, John and James had their robes all tied together.
But Jesus’s stuff was just as he had left it.
“Fellas I’d like you to meet Noah and Elijah.” “No I’m Noah!” “Oh sorry, you guys look just alike!”
And there you have it, Dear Readers. What Gregory learned in Sunday school. Please check back next week to find out what Gregory learns next.
Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this morning shall we?
Jeff and the Ammonia-ites
One day in the biblical land of unpronounceable names, there lived a man named Jephthah but let’s just call him Jeff. Jeff had been shunned by his entire family and had to live in the land of Tob, a land which was considered inferior because it was so easy to pronounce.
But Jeff had a gift for slicing and dicing his fellow-man (or enemies as they were called in those days just as they are today) so naturally when the Israelites were having some problems with the strong-smelling Ammonites (pronounced Ammonia-ites) they followed the trail of blood to Jeff’s house and asked him to be the captain of their armies to kill the Ammonia-ites because the odor wafting from them was giving them all tension headaches. (This is way before migraines were invented.)
Jeff Makes a Really Dumb Vow
So Jeff said sure but only under one condition. He would make a vow to the Lord that when he successfully returned from slaughtering the Ammonia-ites, the first person to come out of Jeff’s house to welcome him home would be burned alive as a sacrifice to the Lord.
Then Jeff went into battle with the Ammonia-ites and the Lord made sure Jeff won because the smell was giving Him tension headaches too.
Let the Smoting begin!
After smoting everybody and their goat — up one side and down the other, Jeff was totally smoted out and returned to his house in Mizpah Estates a new housing development in Tob.
Well, the door flies open and out runs his darling little daughter joyfully playing her little timbre which was an instrument exactly like a modern-day tambourine only spelled more stupidly.
Oh Drat theLucketh!
Jeff was totally broken-hearted when he saw his daughter run out of the house first. He was so hoping it would have been his mother-in-law.
Jeff has a heart to heart with his beloved daughter, Whatshername
But because Jeff was a man of valor, he sat down with his daughter and pulled out his standard-issued “So Your Father Is Going To Sacrifice You To The Lord” scroll, and they had a nice long, father-daughter chat about her upcoming demise.
Jeff began by telling his daughter the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears only in Jeff’s version — instead of Goldilocks running away and never being seen or heard of again, Goldilocks’ Dad burns her alive as a sacrifice to the Lord.
Okay, Daddy, sure, when you put it like that . . .
After that, Jeff’s daughter was totally on-board with the sacrifice thingy. She asked her father if it would be okay if she went on a two-month slumber party first with her girlfriends in the mountains so they could eat smores and weep over her lost youth and lift each other up with just one of their fingers and mourn for the children who would never be hers and roast marshmallows and grieve that she must die a virgin and take turns telling ghost stories.
Jeff agreed immediately. He was hugely relieved that his daughter was taking the sacrifice thingy so well and promised to buy her some really cute pajama robes to take with her!
The Actual Sacrifice Thingy
Two months later, Jeff burned alive his only daughter, little whatshername, as an offering to the Lord.
The bible doesn’t mention whether or not the Lord expressed any appreciation, but then again, the sacrifice of Jeff’s daughter wasn’t even the Lord’s idea in the first place. Turns out, it was just one of those big biblical misunderstandings that were always happening back then.
Dear Readers! What a treat we have in store for us today! The Vegetable Lady has been kind enough to stop by the blog and answer some of our most pressing vegetable questions!
Our first question, Vegetable Lady, comes to us from Reader, Phillip Flep, who asks: what is your favorite way to prepare tomatoes?
Tomatoes? Golly Jeepers whenever I think of tomatoes, I always think of Christmas because that’s when Daddy, before he got lost at sea, would bring in a big platter of tomatoes, graham crackers and chocolate and Mommy would set the Christmas tree on fire, and we’d make Smores!
Before Daddy bit into his, he would always say “If I never see you again I love you,” but Golly Jeepers! Mother and I could never figure out if he was talking to us or to the Smores.
This next question comes to us from Reader, Agamemnon Applebee, who asks: What’s the best way to get peas out of their pods?
Golly Jeepers it took Mother and I so long to figure that out! Right after Daddy got lost at sea, we were awfully impoverished, so we had to live off peas until Mother and I joined the circus.
Golly Jeepers! It wasn’t easy to figure out how to get peas out of their pods until one day Mother borrowed a microscope and found out there was a teeny-tiny zipper in each pod! Golly Jeepers! I finally had time to get back to my sword swallowing practice after we found that out!
Our last question comes from Reader, Toots Tubaleeno, who asks: What’s the best way to roast corn on the cob?
Well, after Mother and I joined the circus, Mother started roasting all our corn on the cob by positioning the cob between her teeth while performing her flame juggling routine! Golly Jeepers that was some good corn!
One night Mother set her beard on fire, which totally ruined her moonlighting job as the bearded lady in the freak show. But Golly Jeepers! Mother sure went out on a lot more dates after that.
So let’s get this straight, Vegetable Lady, you’re telling us that your father was lost at sea, you set your Christmas Tree on fire every year to roast tomato smores, your mother is a bearded flame juggler and you swallow swords in your spare time?
Golly Jeepers! When you put it that way it does sound a little strange. I forgot to explain that I never swallow swords that don’t have a carrot stuck to the end! Oh I’m so glad I remembered to add that! Golly Jeepers! You would have thought I was pretty weird!
Well thank you for answering some questions for us today Vegetable Lady!