Welcome Dear Readers. Good News! We’re going to get old! We’re going to die! And it’s going to be so much frigging FUN!
And all because of AARP. Everybody’s “Getting Old and Dying” BFF!
In fact! I think we should click on The Stars and Stripes Forever before we continue and take a moment to celebrate this inevitability, not only in our hearts, but also, in our ears as well because, after all, the word “hear” is just the word “heart” without the “t’.
Are you ready for the “Getting Old and Dying” AARP good news?
Before we continue, I have to issue a word of caution: Those of you who AARP has pegged as “getting old and dying” need to be warned that AARP is pretty sure this news is going to blow your orthopedic socks off your crippled, bunion-covered feet!
The Drumroll Please!
I don’t know how the Vernon Family will celebrate getting money from my AARP Whole Life Insurance once I’m dead, but I kind of hope it’s with a Hootenanny or at the very least a HootenGranny. (Sorry for the bad joke, I’m old, I’m going to die and my bunions are killing me!)
But wait! There’s more! Included in this AARP Life Insurance offer is this inexplicable AARP Medicare Supplement Plan Brochure:
I don’t know what to make of this, Dear Readers. Why do these two people represent a team? And why are they playing softball with a grapefruit?
Oh! Perhaps AARP is just messing with my pre-posthumous synapses yet again? (Oh that AARP, always with the jokes! Hahaha!)
Oh wait . . . maybe the two people represent an Ebony and Ivory thing! That would be apropos, I suppose, because, I don’t know about you, Dear Readers, but the song Ebony and Ivory, does make me want to die.
Now don’t worry if you are having trouble wrapping your posthumous-synapsed brain around any of the AARP’s “Growing Old and Dying” money-making offers. They’ve anticipated your confusion and have provided a solution:
Now doesn’t that sound like fun? In fact, I think you’ll have to agree that nobody puts the FUN in Funeral like AARP, nobody!
Until next time . . . I love you
Linda Vernon Humor 
I knew there was a reason I joined this crazy organization. Now, if I can just get my name added as a beneficiary on the Linda Vernon life insurance policy everything will be hunky-dory.
Russell, not only will I put your name as a beneficiary, I’ll even send you the premium payments! 😀
AARP is so nice to give you permission to die any time (preferably soon) so that your family gets all your money (or collections of thrift store albums and magazines from 1970’s decor). What service!
I know! Hey I just thought of something AARP could offer that they aren’t offering now. Prepaid Graveside Belly Dancing. (I feel a list coming on, Services that AARP should consider offering — maybe that will be tomorrow’s post.)
Ebony and Ivory, together in perfect harmony, side by side on the piano keyboard…well just in case you wanted to pay your family off sooner…
Ahahah! Thanks Bucky! 😀
giggles!
check out our new site http://www.wepoetsshowit.com we showcase art in all it’s forms, would love to showcase your work…you make me laugh (in a good way!)
Oh Bucky!! I’m honored. I’ll go check out your new site!!!
Yay! We’d be honoured have you join!
:D!!
I am jealous of the whole thing. You’re really just saying to me: “Hahahaha! I am going to die sometime, and you are too, but statistically and according to AARP, I am going to die sooner and AARP is helping me get there.” You know what AARP has done for me? Nothing. Ever.
AARP is so arrogant. I once received an offer from them and they actually said once I sent them the $65 they would send me a list of the benefits I was receiving. And they mostly are lobbyists. Who died and made them king? Well, I guess me (they’re hoping!)
Unfortunately in Australia we don’t have such organisations, I think.
I do see adds for funeral services laced with emotional guilt over leaving your ‘loved ones’ to pay for your family when you could have spent large amounts of money as premiums to take away their anxiety. I like the idea of a graveside floor show, that has potential and could give everyone that ‘lift’ they need before drowning their sorrows at the wake.
Haha! Yes indeed. I might think twice about turning them down if they offered some sort of graveside entertainment at my funeral or should I say my Fun! eral! 😀
And for all the junk mail I get from AARP, I still don’t quite understand what they are offering me and why it’s worth paying for. (I may have to retire in Australia just to get away from AARP junk mail.)
That AARP is certainly relentless…. they’re trying to hurry you into an early grave… I wonder how you got on their preferred mailing list… ?? Diane
I don’t know Diane! But they really really really want me to sign up for their services. I can’t figure out what it is exactly they offer that’s worth paying for! HA! 😀
“Why do these two people represent a team?”
Seems like everyone is courting the gay community these days, particularly the inter-racial “teams.”
Trying to remember how that goes. . . with insurance companies, they are betting that you will live a long time, and you are betting that you won’t. Strange but true.
You’re right. When you think about it, Life Insurance is really strange thing.
And it didn’t even occur to me that they are supposed to be a couple. Oh I get it now. But that paring, definitely has a Barack Obama and Dick Cheney thing going on.
“And it didn’t even occur to me that they are supposed to be a couple.”
I’m sure that wasn’t the intention. heh-heh. Just my attempt at humor. *Sigh* Obama has been a big disappointment to me. Not quite Dick Cheney, but certainly not much of a change. 😦
The US is beginning to resemble Orwell’s “1984” more and more–only in more subtle ways. After reading Bradley Manning’s “confession” it’s clear to me that he spent some time in The Ministry of Love’s Room 101.
That’s a chilling thought about Bradley Manning’s “confession”. I make it a point never to watch TV. And especially never programming put out by The Ministry of Good News!
You don’t have to leave your whole estate to AARP, right?
I’m only asking because I believe I may be in your will…
I thought Hear was only one “h” from ear. I always wondered why we didn’t pronounce i like herb. Unless we’re english, then we pronounce it exactly like herb.
I’m sorry, my bunions still hurt from the AARP dance marathon…
Oh yeah that’s right you’re in my will already. I was going to will my brain, Peanuts, to science but they’ll just squander it. Okay, you can have it! But only after I finish the AARP Dance marathon.
I have this fantasy: Pottery Barn executives on one plane, AARP execs on another: they collide in mid-air, and kill each other off. The pieces rain down: pottery shards, fake mushroom dust, worthless vitamin pills, and insurance policy confetti. It all falls into the crater of an active volcano, and both festering sores on humanity’s backside are cauterized and destroyed forever!!
Yes, I have this fantasy quite regularly. It’s a great consolation to me… : )
I can’t tell you how utterly refreshing it was to see AARP on the receiving end of the Linda Vernon Humor Hammer!! Pound on, you wise and witty force for good!!!!! : )