Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned more about the adventures of Gideon.
Let’s listen in shall we?
Last week, the Lord sent a supernatural, glowing, angel who was wearing a radiant robe that had the words “God Squad” illuminated across the front of it with a message from the Lord about how He wanted Gideon to rescue the Israelites. The Angel was also carrying a magical fire stick.
But Gideon wasn’t convinced that the angel was really a messenger from God because in those days angels were always popping up left and right and magical fire sticks and regular sticks were practically identical.
The Wet-Wool/Dry-Wool Miracle
Gideon needed more proof that God wanted him to rescue the Israelites, so he asked God to perform the wildly-popular Wet-Wool/Dry-Wool miracle which was considered the G0-To miracle in those days for Generation 3000 BC Millennials. The conversation might have gone something like this:
The Lord: So, Gideon, did you get my message from the angel about how I want you to rescue the Israelites?
The Lord: And?
Gideon: Well, Lord, I was hoping that instead of a message from an angel that you’d perform the miracle where I leave some dry wool outside at night to see if it was still dry in the morning.
The Lord: Aw come on, Gideon! That’s such a lame miracle. If you really want a miracle, I could part the Red Sea.
Gideon: Meh . . no offense but that’s a little passé don’t you think?
The Lord: Okay I admit it’s a little old school oh wait. . . I’ve got an idea! How’s about I whip you up big ol’ burning bush? We could roast marshmallows. . .
Gideon: But I hate marshmallows! I want the Wet-Wool/Dry-Wool miracle! I want! I want! I want! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!
The Lord: Okay okay! I forgot how spoiled you 3000 BC Millenials are!
The Lord: So Gideon, I see you have amassed a great army to rescue the Israelites. How many have you amassed thus far?
Gideon: Let’s see here . . . Roman numeral one. . . Roman numeral two . . . Roman numeral three . . .
The Lord: Uh . . it looks like about twenty thousand. Uh oh. With so many men, they’ll be sure to win the war against the Medianites and then nobody will give Me credit for it. And even though I’m God, I still hate it when that happens. We’re going to have to weed some of them out. I know! Let’s send everybody home who is afraid.
The Lord: Did you send home everyone who was afraid?
Gideon: Yeah, that got rid of 22,000 right off the bat but there’s still 10,000 left.
The Lord: Hm . . . that’s still too many . . .oh I know! Send them all down to the river to get a drink and then I’ll come along and send the guys home who drink out of the river like a dog. Then just to be on the safe side, I’ll throw a stick really far away and that should take care of the stragglers.
The Lord: Okay Gideon how many we got now?
Gideon: Let’s see here. I think about 500 . . . oh wait . . . make that 300 . . . 200 just ran after a cat.
The Lord: Perfect!
Gideon: Wait a minute, Lord. I see a couple of them are turning around three times before lying down. Should I get rid of them too?
The Lord: No.We’ll keep them as subs.
Gideon: Good idea! They don’t call you The Lord for nothing!
The Lord: I love you Gideon that’s why I just created this stack of bibles with your name on it!
Gideon: Oh Whoopty-friggin’-do.
The Lord: Pardon?
And that concludes part II of the adventures of Gideon. Please check back next week at this same time when Gideon’s servant, Purah, comes up with a fantastic money-making idea for Purah-ina people chow.
Until next time . . . I love you