Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned more about the adventures of Gideon.
Let’s listen in shall we?
Gideon’s Dog Day Afternoon
Last week, the Lord sent a supernatural, glowing, angel who was wearing a radiant robe that had the words “God Squad” illuminated across the front of it with a message from the Lord about how He wanted Gideon to rescue the Israelites. The Angel was also carrying a magical fire stick.
But Gideon wasn’t convinced that the angel was really a messenger from God because in those days angels were always popping up left and right and magical fire sticks and regular sticks were practically identical.
The Wet-Wool/Dry-Wool Miracle
Gideon needed more proof that God wanted him to rescue the Israelites, so he asked God to perform the wildly-popular Wet-Wool/Dry-Wool miracle which was considered the G0-To miracle in those days for Generation 3000 BC Millennials. The conversation might have gone something like this:
The Lord: So, Gideon, did you get my message from the angel about how I want you to rescue the Israelites?
Gideon: Yeah.
The Lord: And?
Gideon: Well, Lord, I was hoping that instead of a message from an angel that you’d perform the miracle where I leave some dry wool outside at night to see if it was still dry in the morning.
The Lord: Aw come on, Gideon! That’s such a lame miracle. If you really want a miracle, I could part the Red Sea.
Gideon: Meh . . no offense but that’s a little passé don’t you think?
The Lord: Okay I admit it’s a little old school oh wait. . . I’ve got an idea! How’s about I whip you up big ol’ burning bush? We could roast marshmallows. . .
Gideon: But I hate marshmallows! I want the Wet-Wool/Dry-Wool miracle! I want! I want! I want! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!
The Lord: Okay okay! I forgot how spoiled you 3000 BC Millenials are!
Later:
The Lord: So Gideon, I see you have amassed a great army to rescue the Israelites. How many have you amassed thus far?
Gideon: Let’s see here . . . Roman numeral one. . . Roman numeral two . . . Roman numeral three . . .
The Lord: Uh . . it looks like about twenty thousand. Uh oh. With so many men, they’ll be sure to win the war against the Medianites and then nobody will give Me credit for it. And even though I’m God, I still hate it when that happens. We’re going to have to weed some of them out. I know! Let’s send everybody home who is afraid.
Laterer:
The Lord: Did you send home everyone who was afraid?
Gideon: Yeah, that got rid of 22,000 right off the bat but there’s still 10,000 left.
The Lord: Hm . . . that’s still too many . . .oh I know! Send them all down to the river to get a drink and then I’ll come along and send the guys home who drink out of the river like a dog. Then just to be on the safe side, I’ll throw a stick really far away and that should take care of the stragglers.
Latererer:
The Lord: Okay Gideon how many we got now?
Gideon: Let’s see here. I think about 500 . . . oh wait . . . make that 300 . . . 200 just ran after a cat.
The Lord: Perfect!
Gideon: Wait a minute, Lord. I see a couple of them are turning around three times before lying down. Should I get rid of them too?
The Lord: No.We’ll keep them as subs.
Gideon: Good idea! They don’t call you The Lord for nothing!
The Lord: I love you Gideon that’s why I just created this stack of bibles with your name on it!
Gideon: Oh Whoopty-friggin’-do.
The Lord: Pardon?
Gideon: Nothing.
And that concludes part II of the adventures of Gideon. Please check back next week at this same time when Gideon’s servant, Purah, comes up with a fantastic money-making idea for Purah-ina people chow.
Until next time . . . I love you
Linda Vernon Humor 
This week I learned about the Gideon Bibles and their origins. I remember they used come round the school and hand out bibles to the new kids. We often wondered how many every actually made it home as we’d find a few in the bins from students obviously not convinced about the word of God. What I particularly like about your God Linda is the wonderful sense of humour he has. Sadly you don’t see everyone with that notion of him do you. Maybe there would be less conflict around the world if people could loosen their stranglehold on their version of God.
That’s an interesting story about them handing out bibles at school. You don’t have separation of church and state in Australia? But if they would have done that here, I’m sure many of them would have ended up in the trash cans as well. And I love what you said about loosening people’s stranglehold on their version of God. If only . . .
We do but we also have religious education in many schools administered by visiting religious people of varying religious flavours. Students can opt to go or not go. The Gideons turn up once a year.
Oh I love that. You have a much more relaxed attitude about religion than we do over here. But our government seems to be terrified of religion. It’s a huge no no to have religion of any kind any where near the school premises. They even took out “under god” from our pledge of allegiance. (Though I think they also have banned even saying the pledge of allegiance too.)
Love uuu
Pink you are so sweet! I love you too!! 😀