What the Scientists Are Thinking About

Oh what a horrible bad dream nightmare bad dream  nightmare I just had!

Scientists study whether some nightmares are scarier than others

After exhaustively studying whether some nightmares are scarier than others, scientists at the University of Montreal had to go lie down but made darn sure to keep the lights on.

Many of the scientists nearly got carpal tunnel syndrome collecting 10,000 dream reports from the nightmare-study participants.

The scientists then hunkered down to the task of analyzing 253 nightmares, 431 bad dreams and 203 dreams in which people  just turned their heads repeatedly back and forth on their pillows while making ugly faces and mumbling a lot.

After weeks of analyzing these reports, researchers finally decided to just file everything under “miscellaneous” but not before coming to the following conclusions:

1) Nightmares are more intense than bad dreams and 2) nightmares are often triggered by external events.

However, the  researchers stressed that there are way more conclusions to come to and that they should definitely continue getting their government grant money while they continue their arduous task of coming to more conclusions.

"Hey!  Who is you callin' dum?
 Intelligent Life Form

Scientists are trying to understand how dumb we are compared to extraterrestrial life forms that could be way, way smarter than us.

Astronomer and astrophysicist, Lord Martin Rees says that intelligent extraterrestrial life forms might be completely unlike anything we’ve ever seen before.

“Just as a chimpanzee can’t understand quantum theory, it could be there are aspects of reality that are beyond the capacity of our brains.” Lord Martin Rees kindly pointed out by gently glossing over the fact that 99.9 percent of the human race can’t understand quantum theory either.

In an effort to further explore this idea, a team of scientists will soon publish a paper detailing an exercise called COMPLEX — COmplexity of Markers for Prolfiling Life in EXobiology.

COMPLEX will compare various non-human intelligences imagined by scientists with other non-human intelligences imagined by scientists so that if we come across any non-human intelligences that are so smart we can’t detect them, we’ll at least be able to asses them.

Even though it all sounds rather confusing, the COMPLEX scientists are at least hoping for a Nobel prize for coming up with the coolest scientific acronym.

A scholar perplexed as all get out.
Previously perplexed scholar more perplexed than he was previously

The death of Alexander the Great is perplexing scholars more than they were previously perplexed

For the last 2,000 years, scholars have been perplexed and deeply divided about what killed Alexander the Great at the age of 32.

There is one particularly perplexed scholar, however, who has been perplexed so long about what killed Alexander the Great he can’t even remember what it was like not to feel perplexed.

Dr. Leo Schep, a toxicologist at The National Poison Center thinks the culprit that killed Alexander could be poisonous wine made from Veratrum Album a poisonous flower which could have been fermented as a wine.

Dr. Leo Schep, who has been over-thinking what killed Alexander the Great for a decade now stated, “Some of the poisoning theories — including arsenic and strychnine are laughable.”  (But he probably only laughed because toxicology is one of the least funny professions there is.)

Dr. Schep believes poison Veratrum Album wine could account for the fact that it took Alexander 12 days to die while in horrible pain and unable to speak or walk, so Dr. Schep isn’t quite as perplexed as he was before about what killed Alexander the Great.

However, Dr. Schep went on to admit that the wine would have tasted very bitter . . . but then again they could have added sugar to it . . . or perhaps, honey . . .  so he would drink enough of the wine to kill him.

Dr. Schep readily admitted that this  part of his theory is still very perplexing.

“Oh great, now I’m even more perplexed than I was previously!” Dr. Schep wasn’t quoted as saying out loud, but he is probably screaming it over and over again in his mind right this very minute.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what the scientists are thinking about.

Until next time . . . I love you

24 thoughts on “What the Scientists Are Thinking About

  1. So, would the opposite of a nightmare be a daystallion? That’s a very perplexing question that should keep you perplexed for quite a while. Perhaps you’ll get a grant to study it further.

    • Haha! A daystallion!! I have one of those. Only he’s not a stallion anymore. (He’s a retired racehorse named Sedientariat.) From now on I shall think of him as my daystallion though! 😀

  2. It’s a good thing we have important scientists to imagine what aliens may be like and to ponder over Alexander the Great’s wine selection!

    • Yes! Good point. Maybe those aliens who are so much smarter than us we will never know they exist could figure out what wine killed Alexander the Great and whether it goes better with fish or red meat!

  3. Now wouldn’t it be fun if Alexander the Great were in fact an alien from Montreal? Mash-up! I can’t believe you brought the great ville de Montreal into this, Linda!

        • Okay that does it. I’m having poutine for dinner tonight now that I have just googled it and know what it is! Wkik also says that Poutine is mass produced in Canada! That’s the second best reason to move there yet. Hardened guts is still running first though.

          • Linda, you don’t know what poutine is??? How can that be? This is like our vodka, our pizza, our pad thai. Okay, we need to see a poem or something out of you extolling the virtues of poutine… but do try it first. Cripsy french fries, thick gravy and cheese curds (never cheese – has to be curds). It’s a Quebecois specialty, but we all devour it. It’s also very bad for you, so I recommend moderation (except in the poetry – in that case, heap on the gravy).

            • Oh you are making me hungry! I don’t know how I’ve never hear of pantine. I went to BC once but never heard hide nor hair about it. But my oh my it sounds like it would be worth a trip to Canada! Once I try it I’ll never be able to stop eating it. I think the title of the poem will have to be:
              The Girl Who Was Buried in a Piano Crate.

  4. Alexander died of a wine related tannin allergy which manifested itself in him looking like a trophy wife from Botox central. Eventually, as I understand it he exploded into tiny particles that served as carrion for the crows no less! Excellent post by the way.

    • Ahahaha! Now that’s the most imaginative comment to date Mike! (I always suspected that’s what happened to Alexander but I didn’t want to say anything until somebody else brought it up first!)

      • Oddly I based that comment on my wife Shirley who has suddenly been afflicted with a tannin allergy which means she is no longer allowed a glass of red wine! I had had a glass the other evening and forgotten about it. Gave her just a small kiss yet with the residue of tannin’s upon my lips she came up like Botox central in about 30 seconds!

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