Recipes for People Who Are all Dead Now

Hello Dear Readers and welcome to today’s blog where we will be talking about recipes for people who are all dead now.

Back in 1969, there were a lot of people in the world who liked eating Tomato Aspic, Jellied Gazpacho and Waldorf Salad. Unfortunately all those people are dead now —  taking with them to the grave every conceivable need for Knox Gelatin.  But don’t worry, through the pages of this bizarre cookbook entitled Knox On-Camera Recipes, we will examine in great detail some Knox Gelatin Recipes that made this country what it used to be.  Recipes that salute a quieter, gentler, jigglier time in our nation’s history.

 

Knox Gelatin On-Camera Recipes from 1969:

Knox Cookbook from 1969 Linda Vernon Humor

 

The Knox On-Camera Recipes cookbook begins by educating us in the five types of gelatin which are as follows:

The Simple Gel

Knox on camera recipes Linda Vernon Humor
This delightful red brick is an example of a simple gel.  Mix Knox Gelatin with your favorite liquid and lay it  atop (gently now!) a type of lettuce that is probably extinct now.  Slice a cucumber for charm and casually toss some olives (blindfolded) for that devil-may-care appeal.  The only thing left to do now is wander the streets looking for a person in the 110 year-old age group to eat it.

Gelatin Whip

Knox On camera recipes Linda Vernon Humor
This is an example of a gelatin whip.  Which means after you make a brick of gelatin (see above) it is whipped (by whom and with what is omitted information — a 110-year-old with a cane, perhaps?) until light and fluffy causing it to become far more appealing than an aspic; but far less appealing than anything people who are all dead now could get at the ice cream parlor.

Unflavored Gelatin Snow

Knox on Camera Recipes Linda Vernon Humor
Here’s an example of unflavored gelatin snow.  It doesn’t look very much like snow or at least not very much like snow you would want to put in your mouth.  But nevertheless, gelatin snow it is!! This mixture is also whipped until light and fluffy and/or to teach it a good lesson whichever came first.

Lemon Chiffon Pie

Knox Gelatin On Camera Recipes Linda Vernon Humor
In an effort to include something actually edible into the five types of gelatin, Knox came up with Lemon Chiffon Pie.  First it’s chilled then whipped then partially chilled yadda yadda yadda, who cares anymore.

Mousse

Knox on Camera Recipes Linda Vernon Humor
Well this is a good one to end up with Mousse. (I know your name’s not Mousse, I just forgot the comma).  Mousse happens when a solid ingredient is added into a not-so-solid ingredient either on purpose or by mistake.  This was a favorite of people who are all dead now because there’s no whipping involved which means Gramps didn’t have to get out his cane, yet again!

And there you have it, Dear Readers, our first foray into learning about recipes for people who are all dead now. 

Until next time  . . . I love you

Knox on camera recipes Linda Vernon Humor
All dead now.

The Patronizing Noodle Lady

Welcome Dear Reader!  Well,  guess what?  The Patronizing Noodle Lady has decided to pay a visit to the blog.

 The Patronizing Noodle Lady first showed up in this picture in one of my old cookbooks.

These are Noodles!
“No!  You’re not listening. These here . . . the ones I’m touching, these long skinny things are called noodles. And the noodles go here, where  my index finger is tapping.  My index finger is the finger you would use  if you wanted  to point at something.”

 Since then she seems to have wiggled her way out of the photo to become:

The Patronizing Noodle Lady, Linda Vernon Humor

The Patronizing Noodle Lady

Today the Patronizing Noodle Lady will set us straight about How to Use Spices by reviewing with us this booklet from the 1958 American Spice Association, a pamphlet written by none other than the The Patronizing Noodle Lady!

Deemed the most condescending "How-to" of 1958!
Deemed the most wonderfully condescending “How-to” Pamphlet  of 1958 by the National Association of Professional Patronizers!

What’s that Patronizing Noodle Lady? You want us to open to the first page by opening the cover and then flipping to the page #1. Uh. Okay we’ll try!

Paragraph one - How to use spices

Patronizing Noodle Lady please rest assured that even though our interest in spices developed somewhere  . . . somehow . . . we had absolutely no idea what  was going on and just totally lucked into whatever interest we’ve shown.  We  were more than likely hallucinating when we saw ourselves as truly glamorous cooks!

Paragraph two

Believe us when we tell you, Noodle Lady,  that there is absolutely no “mysterious” and difficult feeling we’ve ever had (with the possible exception of getting sucked into a jet engine or falling into a pit of snakes) that is worse than not handling each spice correctly!

Paragraph hot

Patronizing Noodle Lady you must believe us when we say that we have been trying our whole lives not to confuse the word “spice” with the word “hot’  but it’s just so difficult.  We’re always getting them mixed up which is probably why Aunt Martha died from that stomach ache we tried to help her with last week when we suggest she add four pounds of cayenne pepper to her oatmeal.  Darn!  That’s what we get for guessing!

feel free to experiment

Patronizing Noodle Lady!  Please!  Tamper with the basic ingredients!  We would never dream of such a thing even if it is according to the dictates of our own imaginations. (As you have so generously allowed us!  Thank you btw!)  In fact, we will be happy to swear on a stack of cookbooks that we will never — under any circumstances — tamper with basic ingredients or we will swallow an entire tin of cinnamon with an Oregano chaser so help us Julia Child!

feel free

Relax?  How can we relax with all this pressure we’re under.  You wouldn’t happen to have any spices that would help us relax would you Patronizing Noodle Lady?  Oh and just one quick question:  Do we have to have a college degree to become an expert in the use of spices?

college degree

Alright!!! If we start right now using spices with only our high school diplomas, how long will it be before spices will not have any secrets from us?   . . . Hello?  Patronizing Noodle Lady?  Did you hear us?  Patronizing Noodle Lady?

Well, Dear Readers, it looks like the Patronizing Noodle Lady has quit answering us because she no doubt has more important people to see and better blogs to visit. But don’t worry, I’m sure she’ll come back soon as there are plenty of things we still need to be set straight on.

Until next time . . . I love you

A Visit from the Patronizing Noodle Lady

Welcome Dear Reader!  Well,  guess what?  The Patronizing Noodle Lady has decided to pay a visit to the blog.

 The Patronizing Noodle Lady first showed up in this picture in one of my old cookbooks.

These are Noodles!
“No!  You’re not listening. These here . . . the ones I’m touching, these long skinny things are called noodles. And the noodles go here, where  my index finger is tapping.  My index finger is the finger you would use  if you wanted  to point at something.

 Since then she seems to have wiggled her way out of the photo to become:

The Patronizing Noodle Lady, Linda Vernon Humor

The Patronizing Noodle Lady

Today the Patronizing Noodle Lady will set us straight about How to Use Spices by reviewing with us this booklet from the 1958 American Spice Association, a pamphlet written by none other than the The Patronizing Noodle Lady!

Deemed the most condescending "How-to" of 1958!
Deemed the most wonderfully condescending “How-to” Pamphlet  of 1958 by the National Association of Professional Patronizers!

What’s that Patronizing Noodle Lady? You want us to open to the first page by opening the cover and then flipping to the page #1. Uh. Okay we’ll try!

Paragraph one - How to use spices

Patronizing Noodle Lady please rest assured that even though our interest in spices developed somewhere  . . . somehow . . . we had absolutely no idea what  was going on and just totally lucked into whatever interest we’ve shown.  We  were more than likely hallucinating when we saw ourselves as truly glamorous cooks!

Paragraph two

Believe us when we tell you, Noodle Lady,  that there is absolutely no “mysterious” and difficult feeling we’ve ever had (with the possible exception of getting sucked into a jet engine or falling into a pit of snakes) that is worse than not handling each spice correctly!

Paragraph  hot

Patronizing Noodle Lady you must believe us when we say that we have been trying our whole lives not to confuse the word “spice” with the word “hot’  but it’s just so difficult.  We’re always getting them mixed up which is probably why Aunt Martha died from that stomach ache we tried to help her with last week when we suggest she add four pounds of cayenne pepper to her oatmeal.  Darn!  That’s what we get for guessing!

feel free to experiment

Patronizing Noodle Lady!  Please!  Tamper with the basic ingredients!  We would never dream of such a thing even if it is according to the dictates of our own imaginations. (As you have so generously allowed us!  Thank you btw!)  In fact, we will be happy to swear on a stack of cookbooks that we will never — under any circumstances — tamper with basic ingredients or we will swallow an entire tin of cinnamon with an Oregano chaser so help us Julia Child!

feel free

Relax?  How can we relax with all this pressure we’re under.  You wouldn’t happen to have any spices that would help us relax would you Patronizing Noodle Lady?  Oh and just one quick question:  Do we have to have a college degree to become an expert in the use of spices?

college degree

Alright!!! If we start right now using spices with only our high school diplomas, how long will it be before spices will not have any secrets from us?   . . . Hello?  Patronizing Noodle Lady?  Did you hear us?  Patronizing Noodle Lady?

Well, Dear Readers, it looks like the Patronizing Noodle Lady has quit answering us because she no doubt has more important people to see and better blogs to visit. But don’t worry, I’m sure she’ll come back soon as there are plenty of things we still need to be set straight on.

Until next time . . . I love you

Brain Dead Mom Through the Decades

Hello Dear Readers!  What shall we do today?  Hm . . .  Oh I know!  Let’s look at how Moms have been portrayed as Brain Dead through the decades.  As it just so happens, I found a few vintage cookbooks that we can use to contrast and compare.

 Brain Dead Mom from 1937 

Brain Dead Moms of Vintage Cookbooks
Poor Brain Dead Mom from 1937! It looks like she might have infused just a tad too much personality into her baked goods. So much so that they are now holding her hostage. And is her shadow sprouting a horn? Oh my! But somehow Brave Brain Dead Mom of 1937 still manages to smile even though she can’t quite hide the terror in those vacant peepers of hers.

 

Brain Dead Mom from 1953:

Brain Dead Mom trough the ages
Ah! Brain Dead Mom from 1953 is clearly relieved and happy now.  The War is over! Hitler’s dead! And, judging from her eyes,  her doctor just prescribed a lifetime supply of Seconal for her anxiety as well as Benzedrine to be taken every ten minutes to ensure her waist circumference stays at 11-and-1/2-inches. Which gives Brain Dead Mom from 1953  lots and lots of energy so she can dedicate her entire existence to  cooking and cooking and cooking and cooking and cooking and cooking and cooking and cooking and cooking and cooking and cooking and cooking . . .

 Brain Dead Mom from 1959

Brain Dead Mom through the ages
Brain Dead Mom from 1959 has her act together! No more cowering in the horn-sprouting shadows from her baked goods. No more mindless cooking and cooking and cooking. No sir! When one gazes into the eyes of Brain Dead Mom from 1959, one can clearly detect a Valium-induced, vague optimism for the future of her country, the future of her family and the future of her green pepper. Clearly Brain Dead Mom of 1959 is a more confident women than her predecessors. Why? Because she doesn’t know any better, that’s why!

Brain Dead Mom From 1965

The Cook Book of glorious Eating for Weight Watchers
A Ring a ding ding, Baby!  Brain Dead Mom from 1965 has it all going on!  She doesn’t even have to open her eyes anymore! Oh sure she’s still popping a few “bennies” now and then, but come on!   How else is she going to maintain her 11- and-1/2-inch waist what with all the food she’s been eating and all those martinis she’s been swilling with her new devil-may-care attitude? Brain Dead Mom from 1965 would never cower from her own baking! Ha ha!  Don’t make her laugh!  Because Brain Dead Mom from 1965 has a life!  She’s fancy!  She’s frivolous! She’s fun! And somewhere along the line she learned to play the triangle!

I have a feeling there are lots and lots of other examples of Brain Dead Moms Through the Decades out there on the shelves of my favorite thrift store!  And I make this pledge to you, Dear Readers, that I will not rest until I have messed up everything on the shelf looking for them!

Until next time . . . I love you

Brain Dead Mom trough the ages
. . .. and cooking and cooking cooking and cooking and cooking and cooking and cooking and cooking and cooking and cooking and cooking and cooking and cooking and cooking and  cooking and cooking and cooking . . .to be continued . . .

Pushing Spanish Olives Down Our 1958 Throats

Hello Dear Readers! Today as a special treat, we will be revisiting the Imported Spanish Olive Industry of 1958 through the pages of this glorious pamphlet:

The Magic of Olives with 35 delicious new recipes from 1958!
The Magic of Olives with 35 delicious new recipes from 1958!

How the Imported Spanish Olive Industry all Began

Legend has it that back in 1958, a brave Madison Avenue Advertising Executive hitched a ride on a steamboat to a land called Spain where he promptly fell into a siesta (which loosely translated means asleep) under a Spanish Green Olive Tree.

When he awoke, he was famished and picked a Spanish Green Olive off a branch of the tree, thinking it a very strange little Spanish apple of some sort and popped it into his mouth after which he exclaimed “Ay Carumba!  And viola! just like that the Imported Spanish Green Olive Industry of 1958 was born!

The next thing you know, Imported Spanish Olives of 1958 were spicing up practically every dish in America, Canada, and most of Nova Scotia in concoctions like Hacienda Chicken.

Hacienda Chicken which loosely translated means Hacienda Chicken
This dish is called Hacienda Chicken which loosely translated means Hacienda Chicken

In this dish, we are experiencing the joy of Imported Spanish Olives as they siesta (see above for translation) atop an unmade bed of rice — lending much-needed pizazz to the orange objects which deductive reasoning tells us must be the Hacienda Chicken!

Next up we have Olive Salmon Noodle Ring:

This dish is called Olive Salmon Noodle Ring which loosely translated means Hacienda Chicken
This dish is called Olive Salmon Noodle Ring which loosely translated means Hacienda Chicken

In this dish, North Americans of 1958 could experience the magic of  the noodle-salmon- olive teaming the likes of which hadn’t been experienced since the Spanish Conquistadors threw After Conquer Parties in the corridors of the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria!

And notice how the Imported Spanish Olives lend an air of importance to the  salmon.   Surrounding it as if to say, “I’m circling you Mr. Senor or Mr. Senorita!

And finally there’s this shameless blatant shout out to the Spanish Olive:

img614

What this sandwich lacks in imagination it makes up for in Imported Spanish Olives!  The idea being that even the simplest of North American dishes of 1958 could be made just that much better through the stacking, piling and/or slathering on of Imported Spanish Olives!

And if this doesn’t make the average household of North American want to run to (or possibly from) the dinner table, the Imported Spanish Olive Industry of 1958 doesn’t know what will!

Until next time . . . I love you

Adventures in 1941 or Drunk as a Skunk Wearing War Time Trousers!

Sometimes things just keep getting better.  I opened one of my vintage cookbooks this morning and guess what I found folded up neatly inside? A section of a newspaper from May 12, 1941, almost 60 years ago to the day!

So let’s take a look at some of the ads to see if we can discover what was on the minds of the average 1941 citizen:

Here’s an ad that will ruin your appetite:

Apparently back in 1941, people had a lot of excessive ugly hair which was not to be confused with plain ol’ ordinary ugly hair. Because in 1941, everybody’s hair was ugly, that goes without saying.  But apparently, it was only the excess ugly hair that they were worried about.

And apparently if you wanted this excessive ugliness eradicated, you had to go to a Gypsy Fortune-Teller/Seance-Conducting Madame where you could get your offending follicles removed scientifically using multiple needle electrolysis on your superfluous (and uncalled for!) hair.

And speaking of ugly hair, here’s an ad for making it look even worse:

Ah! Back in 1941, nothing gave hair that natural healthy glow like Bay Rum, Barbo Compound, and half a pint of water.

The ad says to try the recipe today and see how much younger you will look — assuming you fore go applying it to your hair and just chug it!

And then there’s the enigma of Wartime Trousers:

Heh? This one is a little tricky to figure out. Let’s see . . .  there’s a war going on . . . so therefore men’s vests don’t match their pants anymore . . .. so they have to send their vests to the Pants Matching Co. . . so they can make a vest to match their pants which are now called “Wartime Trousers”.

And even though the gentleman in the ad has an abnormally large head, he apparently doesn’t have an abnormally large brain — because if he did, why has he taken off his “War Trousers” when he’s suppose to be sending The Pants Matching Co. his vest?

Well anyway, we are going to have to chalk it all up to “Wartime Trouser Secrets of World War II and move on to:

You People Who Are Sick

Well thank goodness there was at least one Dr. Shane D.C. practicing medicine without a license back in 1941!  And not only did this guy somehow get a hold of an X-ray machine, he’s going to diagnose you without asking you a single question!  Talk about saving time!

Of course it’s going to cost you one, hard-earned dollar, so you might not want to do it.  But wait . . . .what if he throws in a Oscillotonometer  heart examination and what if he capitalized HEART EXAMINATION in the newspaper ad?  Would it be worth your hard-earned dollar then?

Still no?  But  what if you suffered from something on the list of symptoms like Deafness or Lumbago or, heaven forbid,  Piles?  What then?

You mean to say you would have actually walked around town in 1941 wearing an ill-matching Wartime Trouser/vest combination with your ugly excessive, hair sticking out everywhere  –drunk as a skunk from ingesting the Barbo hair dye recipe — with extra rum?

OK fine go ahead . . .but I’m telling Madame Stiver on you, so watch out!

Until next time  . . . I love you