Welcome Dear Readers to the world of the Slightly Creepy Seventies where we trip down memory lane by revisiting the pages of old magazines from the inexplicable decade of the 70’s.
Today we will be flipping through the pages of “let yourself sew – a complete sewing book for teens”
Let’s open to the first page. Oh look! It’s some actual Slightly Creepy Seventies Teens!
As you can see, all teenage girls in the Slightly Creepy Seventies look like they are between the ages of 35 and 40. There are three theories for this: 1) The ugliness of the seventies was more aging to the skin than the rays of the Slightly Creepy Seventies Sun 2) wearing stupid outfits you sewed yourself altered the chemical structure of your DNA (not in a good way) or 3) all teenage girls in the Slightly Creepy Seventies actually were between the ages of 35 and 40.
*Note the little boy in the striped, home-sewn whatevers is keeping a low profile. It seems one of the teenagers between 35 and 40 has started a family unbeknownst to mom. Sh . . .I won’t tell if you won’t.
Of course the Master Plan of sewing for your teenage self in the Slightly Creepy was to: “Create Your Never-Can-Be-Duplicated Specialness!”
Well okay then! And what better way to do that than to sew yourself a bathrobe and wear it out in public. Oh and don’t forget that really good friend with the cheerfully sympathetic expression to walk along beside you with her hand on your back like she’s guiding you as you schlep from place to place.
That way people who don’t understand your never-can-be-duplicated specialness, will just have to assume you’ve recently gone blind and haven’t figured out a workable system, as yet, for getting dressed in the dark. Either way it’s a slightly creepy seventies win/win!
The Slightly Creepy Seventies Heartbreak of Crochet Addiction
In a decade where everybody started their day out by brushing their teeth with cocaine, gargling with LSD and using a Mescaline moisturizer, what most people don’t realize is that it was actually crochet addiction that was responsible for ruining more 1970’s wardrobes than cocaine, LSD and Mescaline combined!
For Jessica, it all began with a simple crocheted chain stitch a couple of times a week. To unwind from a hard day of wandering around town in her corduroy bathrobe. No harm done really. Until she started lying to granny about all the “missing” yarn. Before you know it, she was parading up and down the streets in purple leotards and blue anklets wearing her crochet addiction on her sleeve like a an ugly crocheted vest and hot pants — begging strangers for money and lying that she was only going to use it to buy some Mescaline Moisturizer when in reality she was going to use it to buy a basket full of kittens and yarn —then shoo away the kittens. It didn’t end well for Jessica. Today she lives in a van down by the river she crocheted herself. (Both the van and the river.)
It’s An Applique, Okay?
Sure, this slightly creepy seventies teen looks 45 but that’s only by today’s standards. Back in the Slightly Creepy Seventies she didn’t look a day over 13! Why? Because she’s wearing a shirt with an arrow appliqued on it that’s why! An arrow that proclaimed to the world, “Yes! I have an arrow on my shirt, so? You got a problem with that? Get over it Mom! Get over it Dad! Get over it establishment!” Right after this she went down and signed up for a fake senior discount card! In your face boss man. You go teenage girl who looks 45!
Uh Oh . . . Crochet Addiction Rears it’s Ugly Head Again!
Uh Oh . . . It looks like this Slightly Creepy Seventies slumber party where everyone sewed themselves a nightgown has taken a turn for the worse. Obviously Jessica and Jessica are suffering mightily from crochet addiction withdrawals and are engaged in a fight to the death for the last ball of granny’s yarn.
It’s an ugly reality that was often swept under even uglier crocheted rugs all over Slightly Creepy Seventies America. But then would we expect any less from the Slightly Creepy Sevenites?
And there you have it, Dear Readers, this edition of the Slightly Creepy Seventies. But remember, even though it is now 2015 — if someone invites you to try crocheting? Better stay on the safe side and just say no!
Until next time . . . I love you