Linda’s Bedtime Stories for Grown-up Children

Miss Penelope’s Distraction

When Miss Penelope walked into her third-grade class, a hush, like rain, came over her students.  It might have been because Miss Penelope was tall and beautiful with naturally-curly, flaming-red hair.  Or it might have been because Miss Penelope was carrying her teacup poodle, Nippers, in her tea-cup. Then again, it might have been because Miss Penelope had three legs.

Benjamin Bananason’s hand shot up before Miss Penelope was even done writing MISS PENELOPE on the blackboard.

“Yes Benjamin.”  Miss Penelope said.

“Is there going to be homework this year?  What time’s lunch? And may I please use the bathroom?”

Miss Penelope crossed two of her legs and leaned on the other while she answered Benjamin’s last question affirmatively and pondered the other two questions.

While she was thinking, Rebecca Ribeye raised her hand.

“Yes Rebecca?”

“My aunt, Lavern, has naturally-curly, flaming-red hair just like yours, Miss Penelope.  She had to go to prison though.  What’s your doggie’s name?”

“Nippers” Miss Penelope answered, and then raised the tea-cup containing Nippers to her lips as though she would take a sip — but gave Nippers a kiss instead.

The children laughed until it was time for recess.

That’s when Principal Connie Vickers marched in.

“Well?  How did they respond?” Connie Vickers demanded.  “I would imagine the children were not able to talk about anything else all morning but your—“

“My teacup poodle, Nippers?”

“No, not Nippers!  Your . . . your . . . .” Connie squirmed and tried not to look at any of Miss Penelope’s legs.

“Oh you mean my distraction.” Miss Penelope said helpfully.  “My naturally-curly, flaming-red hair. “

“No!  Not that distraction!  I’m talking about your extra leg Miss Penelope.  I’m talking about the fact that you have THREE legs, Miss Penelope!”

In the silence that followed, Principal Connie Vickers reached her finger over to pet Nippers whose razor- sharp, tiny teeth went into the fleshy part of Connie Vickers finger like a knife through warm butter.

horrrible art Linda Vernon Humor

Until next time . . . I love you

9 thoughts on “Linda’s Bedtime Stories for Grown-up Children

  1. You did have fun with this didn’t you….I enjoyed it very much….
    Just to let you know on April 30th I hope to post my writing challenge on MLM, Bedtime Stories for Grown up Children….

  2. And what have we learned today, little ones? That Miss Linda has gone round the bend! Yes! I like it!….

    But, then, that’s just me….

    Plus, what ABOUT lunch?….

    gigoid, the dubious


  3. I think Miss Penelope should yellow pants and go to work for McDonalds as the Golden Arches. Maybe she’s the first of the Teenage Mutant Nimble Teachers.

    • Ha! I knew Miss Penelope looked familiar! If she fails as a Teenage Mutant Nimble Teacher she can always fall back on her god-given talent, being the MacDonald’s arch!

  4. Miss Penelope has nice gems! All three of them. I think Connie Vickers was jealous.

    I can’t wait to read your next installment. Perhaps Miss Penelope will have a substitute with two heads.

  5. Wiping… away… tears… and they make a rather, er, greasy sound as they plop into the empty Onyuns bag I’m holding to keep my new thrift store shirt with the waist-length collar points crisp and dry. The fumes from the bag certainly aren’t helping… : (

    Miss Penelope is surely your most wonderful cartoon creation to date– absolutely superb!! And Nippers-In-A-Teacup scampers easily into second place. These creations have obviously caused a disturbance in the Cartoon Space-Time Continuum, as evidenced by the table standing on one leg (as opposed to three legs, like some red-headed, poodle-kissin’ teachers I could name).

    You have scaled new heights of lunacy with this one, my dear Linda– and that is truly sayin’ sumpat!! : )

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