quirky humor

Friday Fictioneers: Funny How Things Work Out

Linda Vernon Friday Fictioneers , , , , , , ,

Hello Dear Reader! It’s Wednesday, which means my brain, Peanuts, thinks it’s Friday. (Shh . . don’t say anything, I’ve found it’s always best to humor Peanuts.)

Anyway, it’s time for Peanuts to write a 100-word story for Friday Fictioneers — a writing challenge hosted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields over at Addicted to Purple.

There’s a rumor afoot that Rochelle is busy sewing everybody official Friday Fictioneer Uniforms,  and that we will all be receiving them just as soon as she masters  French cuffs.  Could this be true, Rochelle?  I certainly hope so!

Here’s this week’s Friday Fictioneer Picture Prompt:

Linda Vernon Humor Joseph William Standish, the Tree, Friday Fictioneers
Courtesy of anaelephantcant

Funny How Things Work Out

William Joseph Standish hated being a tree because in his heart, he was a writer.  After all, wasn’t he made out of wood –which turns into paper?  Didn’t he have time to think?  Wouldn’t a byline with his name be fabulous?  But alas he had no pen.

One day someone leaned a bike against his trunk.  Screw writing! He would become a world-renowned Tour d France bicyclist!  It would be stupendous, it would be marvelous, it would be . . . well, he couldn’t think of anything else it would be.

Just as well he decided not to be a writer.

* * *

Until next time . . . I love you

The Drawing Lady Teaches Us How to Draw Medieval People

Linda Vernon The Daily Routine, The Drawing Lady , , , , , , , , ,

Hello Dear Readers!  Have I got a wonderful surprise for you today! Everybody’s favorite tortured art teacher,  The Drawing Lady, has agreed to stop by the blog.  Isn’t it wonderful?  I know!  

But please remember, Dear Readers, that because The Drawing Lady is a tortured art teacher, we must be very careful not to upset her by asking too many questio—-Oh shhh . . . here she comes now.

The Drawing Lady Copyright Linda Vernon Humor
The Drawing Lady, everybody’s favorite tortured art teacher

Dear Readers, today The Drawing Lady will be teaching us how to draw Medieval people. Perhaps you are asking why Medieval people, Drawing Lady? Why not Roman People? Or  Egyptian  people? or Viking People?

Linda Vernon Humor, the Drawing Lady

Dear Readers!  Are you deliberately trying to upset The Drawing Lady by asking these questions when The Drawing Lady has only recently recovered from her hysterical plunge out her drawing school window, breaking every bone in her body?

The Drawing Lady would simply like you to draw this Medieval person  to the best of your abilities:

Linda Vernon Humor, the Drawing Lady Medieval People

The Drawing Lady says now you try:

Linda Vernon Humor Drawing Lady Medieval People

Is this right Drawing Lady?  Do you think her eyes are expressive enough, Drawing Lady? Do you want us to erase it, Drawing Lady?

Dear Readers!  The Drawing Lady is beating her head with her fists.  The Drawing Lady says that after all the lessons she has given you, you are still horrible artists.

The Drawing Lady would like you to try drawing the Medieval couple below and for crying out loud  try putting a little more umph into it:

Linda Vernon Humor the drawing lady Medieval People

The Drawing Lady says now you try:

Medieval People Linda Vernon Humor

Like this Drawing Lady? Do you think it has enough umph, Drawing Lady?Drawing Lady?  Drawing Lady does this make your heart sing, Drawing Lady?

Dear Readers, the Drawing Lady has curled up into a fetal position and is rocking back and forth.  The Drawing Lady is giving you one last chance to get it right by drawing this Medieval man with a tortured soul:

The Drawing Lady teaches us to draw medieval people

The Drawing Lady says now you try:

Linda Vernon Humor, The Drawing Lady Medieval People

Is this right Drawing Lady?  Did we get the tortured soul part right, Drawing Lady?  Drawing Lady why are you opening the window, Drawing Lady?  Why are you  climbing out onto the ledge Drawing Lady?  Drawing Lady? . . . Drawing Lady? . . .

Dear Readers, I regret to inform you that The Drawing Lady has gone stalk-raving mad and jumped out of the window again.

This concludes our drawing lesson for today.

Linda Verno Humor, The Drawing Lady draws Medieval People

* * *

Until next time . . . I love you

Writing Checklist for the WordPress Daily Post

Linda Vernon The Daily Prompt, The Daily Routine, WordPress , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers!  Today, my brain, Peanuts, and I thought it might be fun to try our hand at the WordPress Daily Post writing-prompt challenge:

Singular Sensation

If one experience or life change results from you writing your blog, what would you like it to be?

Naturally, Dear Readers, Peanuts and I would like to do our very best writing for our very first WordPress Daily Post writing-prompt challenge. Therefore it’s time to whip out the ol’  handy-dandy Preliminary Very Best Post Writing Checklist.

The Preliminary Very Best Post Writing Checklist

Punctuation teeth brushed?    √

Key to the adverb lockbox located?     √

Transitive and intransitive verbs sorted into their respective bins?   √

Prepositional phrases wearing clean underwear?   √

Metaphors placated?   √

Passive Voice snuck up behind and pushed off cliff?    √

Independent clauses given instructions for meet up?   √

Dangling participles sent to rehab?  √

Dependent clauses apron strings cut?   √

Dear Readers, it looks like it’s “All Systems Go!”   The only things left to do now is count down to the actual post itself.

Ten . . . nine . . . eight . . . seven . . . six . . . five . . . four . . . .three . . . two . . . one . . . Phew!  Typing all those ellipses is exhausting!   Now Peanuts and my fingers are aching something fierce  . . . ouch! (Typing that last ellipse was pure agony!)  Well, anyway . . . ow!  Let’s get back to the WordPress Daily Post writing challenge . . . ow!

If one experience or life change results from you writing your blog, what would you like it to be?

Peanuts and I would like it to be not arthritis!

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  Our very first the WordPress Daily Post writing-prompt challenge. It was fun.  Painful but fun.

Until next time . . . (ouch!!!!) I love you

Wednesday is the New Friday!

Linda Vernon Friday Fictioneers, The Daily Routine , , , , , , ,

Hello Dear Readers.  Well, if this is Wednesday, it must be Friday. Because at this blog, Wednesdays are the new Fridays! 

That’s because Rochelle Wisoff-Fields over at Addicted to Purple is the gracious hostess of Friday Fictioneers even though she doesn’t serve refreshments (that I know of) — where writers are inspired to write  a 100-word story based on the weekly posted picture.  Here’s this week’s picture:

Linda Vernon Humor enters Friday Ficitoneers
window-dressing-janet-webb.jpg

Louise Goes on a Date

But Louise, how could you borrow a Pietro Pairajelli dress from your place of work to wear to the movies with Howard?

“Well, I didn’t know we’d get robbed waiting in line, and they’d steal the Pietro Pairajelli and Howard’s toupee — the only two things we had of value.  I had to watch the movie in my slip, Betty, and poor Howard caught pneumonia and died.”

“From the draft on his head?”

“Uh huh.  And now I’ll be fired.”

“Wait! Isn’t that the Pietro Pairajelli over there on the fire escape, Louise?”

“Yes!”

You’re the luckiest person on earth, Louise!

“I know, huh.”

* * *

And there you have it Dear Readers.  This week’s story came in at 104 words no matter how much I tried to cram it into 100 — some stories just refuse to cooperate!

Until next time . . . I love you

33-Word Trifecta Writing Challenge: Carla Kinda Confesses

Linda Vernon Trifecta Writing Challenges , , , , , ,

Hello Dear Readers!  It’s time for the Trifecta Weekend Challenge which is to write a thirty-three word confession.

Carla Kinda Confesses

“Hey, where’d the donut go?”

“How should I know?”

“Oh no, Carla! Please tell me you didn’t eat it!”

“I didn’t eat it!”

“Thank god because it had rat poi–”

“Carla? Carla? Carla?”

rat cartoon ilustration linda vernon humor

Until next time . . . I love you

Friday Fictioneers 100-Word Story: Calling Charlie

Linda Vernon Friday Fictioneers , , , , ,

Hello Dear Readers!   It’s Wedfrinesday again.  Where writers are challenged to stretch their synapses in the Making-Stuff-Up Hemisphere of the brain every Friday by writing a 100-word story from a picture prompt posted on Wednesday by Rochell Wisoff-Fields!

I know it sounds confusing the way I’m explaining it. But that’s because while I was stretching my synapses, I got a cramp . . . 

Just go here if you want to join in:  Rochelle Wisoff-Fields Addicted to Purple Blog  it’s fun!  (Be sure to hit the refresh button for the latest picture prompt.)

Friday Ficitoneers

Calling Charlie

When Sally saw the condition of the phone, her heart — which was located almost in the middle of her chest — (but too far to the left for her boyfriend, Charlie’s liking) — sank.

Sally’s eyes welled up with tears nearly simultaneously-; the right welling faster than the left (something Charlie abhorred).   Sally grabbed the receiver with her right-hand while wiping tears away with her left and dialed Charlie’s number with her nose — located basically in the middle (but off centered enough to be unattractive Charlie thought) of Sally’s face.

When Charley didn’t answer, it was just as well.

* * * Word Count:  97

Sally Milkerson Becomes a Good Read

Linda Vernon Peculiar Poetry, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , ,

Sally Milkerson Becomes a Good Read

Little Sally Milkerson wanted a tattoo

She asked her mother Wanda

If it was something she could do

Wanda would have answered her

But you see she couldn’t hear

What with all the piercings that were pinning shut her ear

 

So Little Sally Milkerson went and got a pencil

To write her mom a note that said

May I please have a stencil? 

Wanda would have answered her

But her eyelids wouldn’t open

Thanks to all her piercings, in the dark she was agropin’

 

Little Sally Milkerson told her mother not to worry

She’d take the task upon herself

And get tattooed in a hurry

She skipped down to the tattoo parlor

A wad of cash in hand

And gave it to the Tattoo-er — behind the counter, Stan

 

 When Little Sally Milkerson came waltzing through the door

Her mother Wanda’s color drained

She toppled to the floor

A miracle! — It had occurred from somewhere up above her!

For her darling little daughter now

Had Harry Potter on her cover

Humorous Poem Sally Milkerson Linda Vernon Humor
Hey Sally can you turn around so we can see what happens next?

Until Next time  . . . I love you

A Glimpse into the Food Lives of People From the Past

Linda Vernon 1950's, Edible Tales, Thrift Store Finds , , , , , , , , ,

Dear Readers!  What fruitful weekend I had at the Thrift Store.  I was lucky enough to find this Heinz Ketchup cookbook from 1957!

You see, back in 1957, before life was unnecessarily complicated with Twitter, Facebook and the radio alarm clock, people would stay home and cook dishes that required a lot of Heinz Ketchup.

Let’s take a peek inside the pages of these 1957 Heinz Ketchup Prize winning recipes and see if we can get a glimpse into the food lives of people from the past:

 

It’s Red Magic! Hey wait a minute! In 1957, during the height of the cold war against communism, it seems a little odd that Heinz Ketchup would bill their product by saying “It’s Red Magic.”

And the fact that Mother seems to be flirting with a gigantic tomato man wearing a manacle isn’t helping Heinz Ketchup’s credibility either . . .  oh well let’s just keep moving.

 

Okay, here we have Mother cooking with what looks like a radio-active bottle of Heinz Ketchup. But there’s probably a simple explanation.

Mother’s husband, Father, is probably a Nuclear Physicist who sometimes brings home radioactive isotopes from the office to put in the Ketchup bottle to freak Mother out!

That Father always with the pranks!  (Too bad Mother didn’t even notice!)

 

The only explanation for what Mother is doing here is that Father told Mother to take a long walk on a short pier.

Ha! That Father!  Which Mother did, of course, and while she was at it decided to do a little fishing.

Of course, as you can see the radioactive isotope has caused the Heinz Ketchup bottle to fuse permanently to Mother’s hand.  Father. Could. Not. Stop. Laughing.

 

Here are Mother and Father’s children, Boy and Girl. They are eating minced ham and bean sandwiches that Father made for them.

Oh that wacky Father!  He made both Boy and Girl  these Ketchup bean sandwiches and is now hiding behind the Frigidaire spying on them as they try to eat their Ketchup bean sandwiches.

Right about now Father is probably thinking about how he should see if Milton Berle needs any more comedy writers!

 

Hey who’s this?  Why it’s New Mother, of course.  Old Mother had a drowning accident when she was unable to paddle to safety after falling off a short pier due to the Ketchup bottle being fused to her hand. 

But that’s okay because Father found and married New Mother later that day!  And New Mother has just cooked Father a tasty dish of  Green Beans with Ketchup!

Little does New Mother know that Father has just stuck two radioactive isotopes into the casserole dish she’s holding and Father can’t wait to see the look on New Mother’s face when she tries to set the dish down but finds that it’s fused to her hands!

Unfortunately Father didn’t get to see the look on New Mother’s face because just then the phone rang and Father ran to answer it because  — who knows — it might have been that all important call from Uncle Milty!

“I need a new comedy writer. Find out if Father’s available.”

And there you have it, Dear Readers, a glimpse into the food lives of people from the past.

Until next time . . . I love you