Linda’s List of Generic Excuses for Awkward Situations

Dear Readers, we’ve all been there!  We’ve all been visitors at the Awkward Moment Hotel.  Checking in on our own accord then unable to check out gracefully once the social faux pas has been made. Awkward moments like:

  • Asking when someone’s baby is due only to find out that not only is the person not pregnant, said person happens to be a man.
  • Inadvertently running over someone’s foot in the parking lot.
  • Making a humorous comment about somebody getting hanged to the person whose loved one just got hanged the day before yesterday!

Of course, I haven’t actually done any of these as yet. . . but it’s still early in the day.  Therefore, I have taken the liberty of coming up with a few simple excuses –generic, one-size fits all excuses, — if you will —  that we can keep up our sleeves should we find the need to smooth over  “things” with a  friend, a boss or the occasional nun.

Linda’s Generic Excuse #1:

Let’s say you happen to be strolling along the waterfront when you come across a big-bellied man whom you mistake for a pregnant woman and blurt out,  “When’s the baby due?” As soon as you realize your blunder, you can quickly counter with Linda’s generic excuse #1:

“I’m sorry, my glasses are on back order.”

This should confuse the issue long enough with the longshoreman (or whomever) so that you can run away and take safe haven in the nearest strip joint.

Linda’s Generic Excuse #2:

Now let’s say you run over somebody’s foot in the parking lot — a scenario we’re all bound to experience at some point in our lives.  No more filling out police reports!  With Linda’s Generic Excuse #2,  all you have to do is roll down your window and shout,

“I’m sorry, my crutches are on back order!”

This quickly implies to the injured party that 1) you have no control over your feet, and that 2) you are trying to do something about it but haven’t been very successful! And then simply drive off.  No muss, no fuss.

Linda’s Generic Excuse #3

Now let’s say you go to a gathering and quickly take center stage telling a long, drawn-out, humorous story about somebody being hanged. When suddenly, you remember that your hostess’s husband, Joey,  just got hanged day before yesterday.

Of course, it could be awkward when said hostess busts into tears, runs out of the room and is inconsolable for days . .  but not any more!  Thanks to Linda’s Generic Excuse #3– you now simply say:

“I’m sorry, my medications are on back order.”

This little phrase says everything without explaining anything.  If uttered along with a tear or two, the hostess will not only remain your friend, she’ll probably be happy to drive you home.

So there you have it, Dear Readers, no more awkward moments!  Now that you’ve got all the excuses you’ll ever need,  get out there and mingle! 

Until next time . . . I love you

31 thoughts on “Linda’s List of Generic Excuses for Awkward Situations

  1. Do they still hang people, darling?
    This reminds me of Steve Martin’s wonderful advice that you can get away with murder (or be a millionaire and not pay taxes) if you just remember two simple words: I FORGOT (as in… Your honour, I FORGOT that it was illegal to commit murder)

  2. I’ve only been privy to the first: she was not a man and there was no Baby inside that big tummy. I ran away. Here’s one for you: I was on a party cruise once and I saw a man Standing on deck with an old woman, he looked terribly unhappy. Me, a jovial fellow wanting to share my good Spirits with him went over, tapped him on the back and asked him why isn’t he and his mother enjoying the Party. His Response: “that’s my wife.” I ran away. Where were you when I needed you?

    • OMG! LOLOL!! At that point I’ll bet you were seriously considering jumping overboard and if you would have asked them to throw you a life preserver “the mother” would have yelled back I’m sorry but all the life preservers are on back order . . .

  3. I once found myself universally hated by every single one of my work colleagues except Helen – my manager. One morning, she told me that her car had just broken down as she drove it into work and that the local garage was coming to take a look at it. I warned her that the local garage was run by a bunch of thieves and that I’d phone around. She thanked me, profusely.

    An hour later, a shifty looking guy covered in engine oil came in to our office, glared at us all. Helen waved her keys in her hand. He walked over to her desk, snatched the keys from her and left, sorting through the bunch and inspecting the one that clearly was her house key.

    I asked Helen if she was sure that she was doing the right thing? That guy looked completely suspect and I wouldn’t trust him with anything, let alone my bunch of keys.
    “That was my husband”.

    Linda, where were you when I needed you…?

    • Oh no! Oh my god!! It doesn’t get any worse than that!! And she was your manager!! Okay that beats the time I asked a lady at the gym when her baby was due and she didn’t answer me so I said it louder. She finally informed me she wasn’t pregnant. But your story takes the cake! (in fact all the pastries!) LOl!! There’s isn’t a generic excuse in the world that could help a person out of that one!!

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