What the Scientists are Thinking About

"Ow!  You're crushing my fingers!"
“Ow!  Daddy this fish’s handshake is crushing my bones.”
“Ha ha! That’s not a fish, honey, it’s a marine mammal!”

Research Shows that Dolphins Are Ten Times Stronger than Human Athletes

Researchers at the Liquid Life Laboratory at West Chester University headed by a researcher actually named, Frank Fish, set out to determine whether a dolphin is ten times stronger than a human athlete.

Some of  Frank Fish’s colleagues –Paul Porpoise and Mary Marine-Mammal — wanted the research to determine whether dolphins were five times as strong as  as human athletes but apparently Frank Fish has to have his own way or he’ll end up pouting even more than usual.

Using nothing but a scuba tank and an ordinary garden soaker, the researchers watched the vortices in the water created by the dolphins to determine how fast the dolphins  were swimming.

The researchers were able to determine that the  dolphins were swimming way, way faster than a human athlete, that’s for sure, but are holding off on  announcing their findings until they double check  what the word “vortices” means again.

What did the hyena cross the road? To get to the better jokes! Now that's funny!
“What did the hyena cross the road?”
“To get to the better jokes!”
“Ahhahaha!  Now that’s funny!”

Hyenas could possibly be as bright as some primates — but either way have a much better sense of humor

Researchers have discovered that Hyenas are adept at solving problems and can even count (which would explain their excellent comedic timing).  Scientists now believe that the hyenas may even have intelligence levels that match some primates.

After studying the expressions on  hyenas’ faces ad nauseam,  researchers have concluded that hyenas can assess the size of a competing pack by listening to the rival packs’  laughter — to determine if the rival  pack out number them as well as whether or not the  jokes the rival pack of hyenas were laughing at were actually funny.

Scientists also observed that hyenas solved problems through trial and error. When the hyenas were confronted with a box of food, the hyenas tried to get it out trying different methods until they were successful — causing scientists to be even more impressed with the  intelligence of the hyenas — because apparently none of the scientists has ever owned a dog or a cat.

The scientists were quick to point out,  however,  that scientists are still smarter than hyenas.

Yes I could just tell you the answer, but first, let me explaining starting with creation and working my way up the timeline of mankind.
“Yes I know the correct answer, dear, but first let me clarify things by going back to the creation of the universe then working my way up the time line of events  year by year until we get  to present the day.”

Do You Suffer From Hindsight Bias?

Those who “knew the answer all along” may not be quite as clever as they are making themselves out to be,” say researchers at Northwestern University in Chicago.

After studying this “thinking you know something when you don’t” phenomenon, they  have come to the conclusion that people too often feel they knew something all along, but actually didn’t — they just thought they did.  Researchers call this phenomenon: Hindsight Bias.

However, a  group of highly-respected women who have been studying the  phenomenon  for the past 37 years have come up with what they feel is a more appropriate term for hindsight bias:  Husbands.

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Until next time . . . I love you

What the Scientists Are Thinking About

“Sesquipedalian”

That’s easy for them to say

After studying a fossilized hyoid bone belonging to a Neanderthal, scientists have determined that Neanderthals could talk just as good well good as humans can.

“Many would argue that our capacity of speech and language is among the most fundamental characteristics that make us human,” said researcher Stephen Wroe who, as a human being himself, speaks very clearly except when trying to pronounce his last name.

“If Neanderthals also had language, then they were truly human too.”  Wroe added, an assertion that he knew didn’t really make any sense but he was just so darned happy!

Either way, all the researcher agree that even the ugliest human is way way prettier than the best looking Neanderthal that ever lived. Amen.

pigs that glow in the dark
Let there be oink!

The race to produce animals that glow in the dark

A Chinese team of researchers from Guangdong Province have injected jelly-fish DNA into pigs to quickly create a litter of pigs that glow in the dark in response to another team of researchers from Turkey who recently produced a jelly-fish DNA enhanced litter of glowing rabbits and are furiously working on making fluorescent sheep before the Chinese team can respond by creating a neon platypus and a night-light cow.

These accomplishments represent one more step towards a future in which genetic material from one animal can be incorporated into another opening the door to a new array of animals such as a living breathing turducken and a unicorn duck that doesn’t require night-vision goggles to see it after dark.

North Atlantic
The North Atlantic and a new species of sea snail, marine worm and two new types of clams. (sea snail, marine worm and clams not pictured)

New marine species discovered in North Atlantic

International experts have hailed the discovery of two new types of clams, a sea worm and a new species of sea snail as a momentous discovery.

“These hidden gems offer a fascinating glimpse of the treasures that still await discovery under the waves.” said Scottish Environment Secretary Richard Lochead who it is rumored found the sea creatures hiding behind some octopus bookends while he was dusting the northern Atlantic continental shelf.

Efforts were made to contact Scottish Environment Secretary Richard Lochead for verification of this rumor but he was out of the office dustbustering the coral reefs.

The snail, the worm and the clams declined to comment.

What the Scientists are Thinking About

MIT Researcher
MIT Researcher, Dr. Shattuck-Hufnagel 

That’s easy for you to say, sure, but you’re not an MIT Researcher.

Researchers at MIT have come up with the world’s most difficult tongue twister in an attempt to shed light on the brain’s speech planning process while at the same time shedding light on the MIT researchers brains’ ability to think up ways to get paid without doing any actual work.

Dr. Stefanie Shattuck-Hufnagel (who prefers being called by her nickname Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers), and her scientific tongue twisting associates have deemed “pad kid poured curd pulled cold” to be the hardest phrase to utter in the English language with the exception of Dr. Stefanie Shattuck-Hufnagel’s hyphenated last name.

“Certain combinations of sounds appear to make people lose control of their mouths when spoken too quickly.”  Dr. Stafanie Shattuck-Hufnagel aka Sally Sells Sea Shells at the Seashore was quoted a little too quickly as saying and shortly thereafter was hospitalized with a serious case of  Uncontrollable Mouth Syndrome.

MIT has requested that all get well wishes and flowers be sent to the room where the sixth sick sheikh’s sixth sheep’s sick.

 

caveman
Plio-Pleistocene hominin Paranthropus boisei

The fossil remains of a hominid species dating back 1.34 million years was discovered right where somebody left it.

The partial skeleton of a large adult hominid has been uncovered in Tanzania by a group of researchers who couldn’t wait to use the new shovels they got for their birthdays.

Researchers uncovered a 1.34-million-year-old, well-formed forearm muscle that they think its owner used for “climbing, fine-manipulation and all sorts of behaviors” Dr. Charles Musiba and his team of researchers decided after thinking about it starting at lunch time and continuing to think about it off and on all afternoon until it was finally time to go home.

“We are starting to understand the physiology of these individuals and how they adapted to the kind of habitat they lived in.  The size of the arm bones suggests strong forearms and a powerful upper body.”  Dr. Musiba said out loud but he was thinking,  “Thank goodness he was dead or we could have gotten our butts kicked!”

Snow_and_ice_scenic_landscape
“I can’t feel my anything.”

Coldest place on earth discovered

Scientists have discovered a place on earth so cold that anyone out in it for even a short period of time “would see their eyes, nose and lungs freeze up within minutes.”

Scientists didn’t go on to elaborate how someone whose eyes were frozen could see their nose and lungs freeze up or how a person could see their nose and lungs freeze up even if their eyes weren’t already frozen, but Coldest Place on Earth Scientists are quick to conclude that another study involving frozen noses, eyes and lungs is in order.

One lasting between six months and six years at least! The scientists are currently writing to the government asking for a  grant which is going to be harder than the scientists thought while wearing mittens.

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Until next time . . . I love you