Well, I’m happy to report, Dear Reader, that I have just received an important dispatch from my friends (practically my blood brothers, really) at AARP! 
Guess what? AARP thinks I’m “fully eligible” for their membership.
Which, of course, is their thinly veiled way of saying I’m old,– very, very old . . . and now it’s official!
And on top of that, if I give $16 to AARP, they will give me these benefits that aren’t available anywhere else:
Gee, I’m so overcome with emotion, I’m getting tear stains all over my Hoveround . . .
Because for 16 dollars AARP is giving me:
AARP, The Magazine! Which is great and all –but if they aren’t including the loaded gun which would have to be held to my head in order to get me to read it — AARP, The Magazine! isn’t much good to me now, is it?
Discounts that save me money! Uh, I’m sorry AARP, but I kind of prefer discounts that DON’T save me money. Call it crazy. Call it wacky. Call it maybe my Depends are too tight. I don’t know. I guess I just feel like being cantankerous because I’m so very, very old . . . oops . . . I mean so I’m so very, very “fully eligible”.
Strengthening Social Security, protecting Medicare . . . including fighting age discrimination for all! Hey listen, AARP, you’re the one calling old people names like “fully eligible.” So here’s a little suggestion. Why don’t you start fighting age discrimination by socking yourself in the eye!
Access to health insurance . . . access huh? What kind of access? Handicap access? Hoverround access? Oh maybe AARP means they’re going to give me the idea (for $16) to access the internet so I can find myself some health insurance.
And just in case all these AARP Benefits don’t make me want to reach my arthritic hand into my sock and pull out $16, they are throwing in this FREE GIFT (that only costs $16.)!
An AARP TRUNK ORGANIZER! YOWZA!
As you can see, AARP knows us geezer people don’t like to stumble out to our cars and head down the wrong side of the road without plenty of liquids because us “fully eligible-sters” often get dehydrated causing us to do senile things like drive through plate-glass windows and buying $16 worth of NOTHING from AARP.
All I can say is Aaarrrrppppp! Has anybody seen the Pepto Bismal?
Until next time . . . I love you
Linda Vernon Humor 
AARP. Not only an organization but a LIFESTYLE. I can’t wait until I’m fully eligible to join. Until then my car will be a mess and devoid of necessary liquids, bottles and pills, I’ll receive discounts that don’t save me money and I’ll be forced to read magazines about things besides being old.
Ha ha. I know. Why would anybody be interested in anything that wasn’t about growing old? It’s so exciting!
I’m about to become “fully eligible” myself in a few months. I hope I get a special email, too, with a great offer like that. NOT!
Ha ha! I think AARP will be surprised to hear that!
I love my little visit to vernonville. Everything is hilarious here! OH Joy
Ah thanks Joy! Hmmm. . . And I’m definitely going ot have to find a way to stick “Vernonville” into my blog somehow! HA!
I agree with Joy…you are one hilarious lady, Linda….if you’re not, you should try your hand at ‘stand-up’ comedy….your stuff is better than anything I’ve seen for quite a while….and it’s not insulting…haha. You are awesome at this blogging…..tom
Thank you Tom! You made me feel warm and fuzzy :). It’s funny you should mention that because Joy has suggested I take an improv class with her. And you know what? I just may do that. Maybe I could take my keyboard with me as kind of a security blanket. 🙂
I’m sure AARP serves a useful purpose, just not one we’re ready to embrace. It’s hard, real hard, to embrace being fully eligible (some might read that as “old”) when NOT being fully eligible is so much better. Here’s to NOT being fully eligible. But what about eligible men? Do eligible men count? Just asking… Enjoy always, T
You bring up a good point. Women are fully eligible when they qualify for AARP. Men are fully eligible when they are single. Uh oh I’m feeling a little Gloria Steinemish — which really makes me feel old! 🙂
I just love the spin you put on things!! lol I remember when my mom became fully eligible – actually she was pissed because AARP had her there a good 6 months ahead of time, definitely no love lost there. Ok I admit I had to think about the old people burping part but that’s some funny stuff my friend!! I want to be just like you when I grow up and become fullly eligible 🙂 for reallies!!!! By the time I get fully eligible they will be acting like they don’t know what I am talking about – run away!! You ROCK! and I give you a 8.5 on the AARRRPP at the end – clear, good volume and worthy of a discount to save you money – hahahahaha I love redundancy. Maybe they just repeat it cause the fully eligible sters forget things so easily – like from one word from the next? Oh I’ gotta duck lol…..Yay! Awesomeness with a cool burping punch. 🙂
I’m so glad you enjoyed the burp! Ha ha! I have to laugh when you say that the fully eligible sters forget from one word to the next! I fear that’s probably going to come sooner than I think. As it is right, now I do tend to forget where I parked my car, but I figure as long as I remember what my car looks like, I’m good to go! For reallies!! (my new favorite expression!). 🙂
you should join just so you can got to the socials and spike the punch with Metamucil!
Thank you for the idea El Guapo! You have just given me a reason to live . . . longer! 🙂
Don’t be too depressed; think of all the boomers who have gone before you. There’s now living in retirement communities, loving life with their endless classes, game, and parties. I heard they had a party and played “Spin the Bottle,” but one guy lost his lower teeth when he bent over to kiss the woman.
Ronnie
Oh boy! Isn’t it the truth! Proving once again there’s always something to be thankful for! 🙂
I agree with Joy and Tom – you should give it a go – you’re a natural. Or a radio segment if the thought of doing stand up doesn’t appeal.
You know what? I’m going to think about that. It sounds pretty scarey, but maybe . . . Thanks for your encouragement, Grace, it means a lot! 🙂
SOO funny! Make sure you take advantage of that health insurance by taking to alcohol every day 🙂 That’s my plan for retirement!
http://www.cakesandshakes.wordpress.com
Ha ha! I love the way you’re thinking ahead. In fact, based on that premise you should offer retirement planning services!
Wonderful, Linda. I like your post much better than mine! Keep up the great work. I will be a regular reader. HF
That’s so funny because I was thinking that yours was better than mine! Thank you Harper! I couldn’t be more pleased! I plan to be a regular reader of your blog as well!
Great! All joy today! HF