The Lord’s Big Book of Sacrificing

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory. 

Gregory goes to Sunday School Every week, but Gregory never listens and comes home with his own version of the story.

Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this week shall we?

 LInda Vernon humoous bible storiesThe Lord’s Big Book of Sacrificing

One day, while Moses was walking by the tent belonging to the Lord, he heard God calling out to him.

“Is that you, Moses?”

“Yeah, how’d you know?”

“You’re the only one who has the nerve to walk by My tent.”

“Why is that?”

The Lord Calls to Moses from his Tent Linda Vernon Humor, The Bible According to Gregory

“I don’t know, but guess what?  I, the Lord, just wrote another book!”

“No kidding? That’s quite an accomplishment! I’m super impressed!  What’s it about?”

“I, the Lord, have taken the time to compile all the rules for getting on my good side by bringing me offerings and sacrificing animals and whatnot.”

“Cool!  Is it a cookbook then?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, let’s say a Hebrew wanted to find it in the Alexandria library, for example, would he look in the cookbook section or in the sacrificing section?”

“But I thought somebody burned down the Alexandria library.”

“Yes, but I was just using the Alexandria library as an example.  What I was really getting at is what genre would your book fall into?”

“Genre?  Don’t you mean genie?”

“No, I mean, if you ever wanted to get your Big Book of Sacrifices published like on a scroll or on a stone tablet, your publisher is going to want to know what genre or “subject matter” your book is about. It helps them decide if they if they want to publish it — especially since you are a new author.”

“New author!  Are you forgetting that I, the Lord, have already written a bestseller called the Ten Commandments?”

“Yes, Lord, but you self-published that one, and, frankly, I think the only reason it was so well received is because it had a number in the title.  People love reading things with numbers in the title.  You know, like, 7 Ways to Avoid the Mistakes of Adam and Eve or 11 Things You Can Build out of Leftover Unleavened Bread — that sort of thing, it makes information easier to skim.”

“What are you trying to say, Moses?  That people have only skimmed The Ten Commandments?”

“Oh gosh no!  The Ten Commandments?  Heavens no!  I couldn’t put it down, myself; it was a real stone-tablet turner!”

“Well, thank you.”

“So what else is in this new book, Lord?”

“Well, it has a section on exactly how my worshipers can lift my spirits by bringing me offerings of money and jewels, sweet-smelling incense and fine linens.”

“Excellent!  People love nonfiction how-to’s!”

“There’s also a section on how I like my sacrifices prepared, I’ve even included important details about breaking a donkey’s neck, how to avoid cooking a young sheep or goat in its mother’s milk and how I don’t like My bread sacrificed with My meat.”

“Wonderful!  Are you planning to include pictures and diagrams?”

“No.”

“Uh . . .”

“What is it, Moses?”

“Well, Lord, people are more apt to be engaged in your message if You were to include some images.”

“You mean images of Me?  But I don’t allow people to look at My face, you of all people should know that Moses!”

"You cannot see my face, for no one may see me and live."
“You cannot see my face, for no one may see me and live.”
“Not even with sunglasses?”

“Well, then, how about including some drawings — like a picture of a golden calf with a big red x on it, or you could include a diagram describing the best way to go about skinning a ram.”

“I see what you’re getting at here. Moses. That’s a great idea!  Listen, what are you doing right now?”

“Just the usual, wandering around the desert with my sheep, why?”

“Why don’t you come in and help me work on my book.  You weren’t planning to do anything for the next forty days and nights anyway were you?”

“I guess not –not now anyway.”

How's this Moses?"
How’s this, Moses?”
“I don’t know, Lord, I think it could use more white space.”

And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.  Please check back next week at this time to see what Gregory learned in Sunday school. 

Until next time . . .I love you

Sunday School Dropout Bible Stories: The Story of Noah

“Think we’ll all fit?”
“I don’t know, I was asking around and the Unicorns don’t seem to think so.”

A very, very, very, very long time ago (biblical scholars disagree on the exact amount of  verys) there was a man named Noah who was very ,very, very old (here three verys is widely accepted).

Back in the day when Noah lived, lifespans were much longer — and nobody fell and couldn’t get up until they were well past 500 years old.

When Noah was 500 years old, he had three sons which meant he was raising teens when he was 513 years old — proving that wisdom doesn’t always come with age. (His sons were named Shem, Ham and Japheth which ALL biblical scholars agree were horrible names.)

During these years, the people of earth were basically running hog wild, some people were giants, some people were supernatural beings and some people were goats. The whole kit and kaboodle was  just one big, fat, ugly mess.  You don’t even want to know the details! Whenever God looked down on the earth, He just felt sick, so He decided to cause a great flood and start again from scratch.

But God really liked Noah because Noah was well-mannered, and agreeable and laughed at all his jokes.

God told Noah what his plans were.

God:  Hello Noah?  It’s me, God, say, I was just thinking I would destroy everybody on earth because they are all so evil, you know what I mean?

Noah:  Oh absolutely! Definitely! I don’t blame you one bit! Ha ha!

God:  Yes, well, I’ve decided to let you live.

Noah:  Who moi?  Aw shucks, thanks God!

God:  Not a problem. Anyway, you need to build an ark 450 feet long and 75 feet wide and 45 feet high leaving 18 inches between the roof and the . . . are you writing this down?

Noah:  No

God:  Ok, I’ll wait while you go find a pencil.

While God was waiting on Noah, he couldn’t help looking around.  Golden idols and empty wine jugs were strewn everywhere, the lute and harp music was blaring so loud God couldn’t hear Himself think, and everyone was shouting, “gimme! gimme! gimme!” at the top of their lungs;  plus there was a lot of pushing and shoving and strangling going on.

God was happy when Noah finally came back with his pencil.

Later:

God:  Okay, Noah, let’s summarize.  I’ve given you specific, detailed instructions for you to build an ark, AND put two of every animal aboard. So read back what you’ve got.

Noah:  Oh sure!  Absolutely!  Let’s see here . . . you want me to build a boat-

God:  NO! Not a boat!  An Ark!  I want you to build an ARK !

Noah:  Ok, Ok, I’m erasing!  Let’s see . . . and you want me to put three of every kind of animal on board and–

God:  Not THREE!  TWO you idiot!

Noah:  OK, OK, I’m erasing already! . . .two. . .  you . . .  idiot— is there one or two t’s in idiot?

Oy! thought God.

Epilogue

After the flood dried up, and Noah got off the ark, the first thing he did was plant a vineyard.  Then he made some wine, got swacked, got naked, staggered to his tent and passed out.

The bible fails to mention what God thought of this.  Most scholars think it was OY!

“Noah! Are you just going to leave us here?”
“Was it something we said?”
“Has anybody seen my golden idol?”
“Moooooooo?”

Until next time . . . I love you