Science Shannigans


Cartoon of Einstein calculating math

Hello Dear Readers! Today we are going to break  out our test tubes, put on our lab coats and push our glasses farther up on our noses to examine actual science stories from the around the web.

Of course, I have taken the liberty of paraphrasing and punching up things up a bit to make it, you know, more interesting.

After Checking All the Evidence, No Evidence Has Been Found

In an effort to reassure itself that there are no such things as mermaids, the US National Ocean Service has announced that no evidence of aquatic humanoids has ever been found.  They would have said that there are no such things as mermaids but they thought  “aquatic humanoids” sounded more like they are providing a worthwhile service to American Citizens for which they really do deserve a weekly paycheck.

It’s a rock . . .No it’s a boulder . . . .NO! IT’S A MOON

A team of astronomers who were taking turns looking into the Hubble Telescope found another big boulder about 15 miles across orbiting Pluto. The fifth one so far!!  In a scientific burst of creativity, they have decided to call it P5.

In an effort to figure out why anybody would care, the astronomers came up with the following:

“The new detection will help scientists navigate NASA’s New Horizons spacecraft through the Pluto system in 2015. . . “

Apparently the New Horizons spacecraft is hurtling through space at such a tremendous speed that something the size of a BB hitting it could destroy it.

Astronomers are secretly happy about this turn of events because now instead of just sitting around playing Twenty Quasars and waiting for New Horizons to get to Pluto; they also get to take turns looking through Hubble Telescope for objects orbiting Pluto the size of BB’s.

Don’t Get The Moon in Your Eyes

An international team of researchers who needed something to do while waiting for their uniforms to dry, decided to speculate how bad breathing in lunar dust would be.

After exhaustively utilizing their brains’ capacity to think while ingesting large quantities of beer and pizza, they decided  that “inhaling lunar dust by breathing it into your lungs could increase the risk of  cancer”  and “getting lunar dust into your eyes could cause eye irritation.”

The international team of researchers somehow managed to stumble back to the lab and type up two white papers entitled: The Health Hazards of Inhaling Lunar Dust While Gasping for Air” and “Scratching Ones Eyes Out While Gasping For Air With Lunar Dust on Ones Hands Can Lead to Eye Irritation” before passing out into  a big heap of international researchers on the lab floor.

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  I  hope that this summary of the latest Science Shenanigans has helped us to better understand ourselves and the world around us!

Until next time. . . I love you

19 thoughts on “Science Shannigans

  1. hahaha! I’m all for investing more money into the space program as long as they keep coming up with relevant and exciting discoveries like these! Who knew that eye irritation could be caused by scratching your eyes out with hands covered in lunar dust? I think we’ve just entered into a Brave New world. Lol!

  2. Good thing there was an official statement about there being no evidence of aquatic humanoids, because to up this point, I thought The Little Mermaid was a documentary about how ginger-haired aquatic humanoids accelerated evolution from fins to feet at an exponential rate. Whew! I stand corrected.

  3. I would like to study the big heap of international researchers on the floor. I am sure that great benefits to the world and society could be yielded by such a study. I wonder if I can get funding for that?

    • Haha! I’m sure they would be interested in mulling over some of your ideas as a caring citizen, Ronnie,but it’s going to depend on whether they get that government mulling grant!

  4. “In a scientific burst of creativity, they have decided to call it P5”. That made me laugh so much!! I look forward to hearing about other SCiency articles you stumble upon. Maybe you could write about math next!

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