Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory. Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this morning shall we?
Jeff and the Ammonia-ites
One day in the biblical land of unpronounceable names, there lived a man named Jephthah but let’s just call him Jeff. Jeff had been shunned by his entire family and had to live in the land of Tob, a land which was considered inferior because it was so easy to pronounce.
But Jeff had a gift for slicing and dicing his fellow-man (or enemies as they were called in those days just as they are today) so naturally when the Israelites were having some problems with the strong-smelling Ammonites (pronounced Ammonia-ites) they followed the trail of blood to Jeff’s house and asked him to be the captain of their armies to kill the Ammonia-ites because the odor wafting from them was giving them all tension headaches. (This is way before migraines were invented.)
Jeff Makes a Really Dumb Vow
So Jeff said sure but only under one condition. He would make a vow to the Lord that when he successfully returned from slaughtering the Ammonia-ites, the first person to come out of Jeff’s house to welcome him home would be burned alive as a sacrifice to the Lord.
Then Jeff went into battle with the Ammonia-ites and the Lord made sure Jeff won because the smell was giving Him tension headaches too.
Let the Smoting begin!
After smoting everybody and their goat — up one side and down the other, Jeff was totally smoted out and returned to his house in Mizpah Estates a new housing development in Tob.
Well, the door flies open and out runs his darling little daughter joyfully playing her little timbre which was an instrument exactly like a modern-day tambourine only spelled more stupidly.
Oh Drat the Lucketh!
Jeff has a heart to heart with his beloved daughter, Whatshername
But because Jeff was a man of valor, he sat down with his daughter and pulled out his standard-issued “So Your Father Is Going To Sacrifice You To The Lord” scroll, and they had a nice long, father-daughter chat about her upcoming demise.
Jeff began by telling his daughter the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears only in Jeff’s version — instead of Goldilocks running away and never being seen or heard of again, Goldilocks’ Dad burns her alive as a sacrifice to the Lord.
Okay, Daddy, sure, when you put it like that . . .
After that, Jeff’s daughter was totally on-board with the sacrifice thingy. She asked her father if it would be okay if she went on a two-month slumber party first with her girlfriends in the mountains so they could eat smores and weep over her lost youth and lift each other up with just one of their fingers and mourn for the children who would never be hers and roast marshmallows and grieve that she must die a virgin and take turns telling ghost stories.
Jeff agreed immediately. He was hugely relieved that his daughter was taking the sacrifice thingy so well and promised to buy her some really cute pajama robes to take with her!
The Actual Sacrifice Thingy
Two months later, Jeff burned alive his only daughter, little whatshername, as an offering to the Lord.
The bible doesn’t mention whether or not the Lord expressed any appreciation, but then again, the sacrifice of Jeff’s daughter wasn’t even the Lord’s idea in the first place. Turns out, it was just one of those big biblical misunderstandings that were always happening back then.
Until next time . . . I love you