Welcome, Dear Readers, to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.
In today’s Sunday School lesson, Gregory learned about how God told Abram he would have more descendants than stars in the sky, and he couldn’t help imagining how that conversation would have gone.
Abram’s 537 Thousand-ish Kids
This week’s lesson is a continuation of the story of God’s made-man, Abram, who filled the gap in God’s life after his bff Noah drowned. (Sadly, ark building leaves precious little time for swimming lessons.)
Property Procurement
Last week, Abram had refused the King of Sodom’s kind offer to give Abram all the property Abram had procured from some people he killed. The very same property that had originally belonged to the King of Sodom who had procured it from some people he killed. (For more information about biblical property procurement, refer to the bible, pages 1-1600.)
Biblical scholars believe there are two reasons Abram gave the King of Sodom’s property back: 1) Abram didn’t want people to say that keeping the King of Sodom’s property was the reason Abram became rich and 2) who knew where the King of Sodom’s property had been?
One day after a particularly trying day of biblical property procurement, Abram went to his tent, put out the Do Not וְנִבְהָ֑לְתִּי sign and lay down. He was just drifting off when the Lord knocked on his tent (apparently the sign fell off before He had a chance to omnipotent it.)
The Lord: Hey Wake up Abram! I’ve got something to tell you.
Abram: What? Didn’t you see the Do Not וְנִבְהָ֑לְתִּי sign?
The Lord: Sign schmign! I’ve got important news!
Abram: It better be good.
The Lord: Well it’s this: Do not be afraid, Abram I will shield you from danger and give you a great reward.
Abram: You woke me up for that? What good will your reward be to me since I have no children? My only heir is my slave, Eliezer of Damascus, and I lost his address.
The Lord: This slave Eliezer of Damascus will not inherit your property. You’re own son will inherit your property. Come outside with me!
Abram: Can I at least change out of my jammies?
The Lord: Look at the sky, Abram, and try to count the stars.
Abram: Okay, one . . . two . . . three . . . four . . .
Two hours later:
Abram: . . . 537,001, 537,002 . . .
The Lord: I think you already counted that one.
Abram: Oops! Make that 536,999 .. .
The Lord: No that would make it 537,001.
Abram: Are you sure?
The Lord raised His holy eyebrow most high.
Abram: Okay okay.
The Lord: Anyway never mind about the counting, Abram. The point is that you will have more descendants than stars in the sky . . . isn’t that wonderful Abram? . . . Abram? . . . Hello!? . . . Heaven to Abram! What’s the matter, you look pale?
Abram: I just thinking about all those school lunches I’m going to have to pack!
The Lord: Ha ha! Darn, I wish I wouldn’t have thrown away the mold I used to create your sense of humor! Anyway, speaking of school lunches, bring me a cow, a goat and a ram, each of them three years old.
Abram: One goat, one cow and one ram.Okay. I’m writing it down. Is that all?
The Lord: Did you get the dove and the pigeon?
Abram: No you didn’t say anything about a dove and a pigeon.
The Lord: Oh yes I did.
Abram: No you didn’t.
The Lord shot Abram a don’t make me use the lightning look.
Abram: Ha ha! I was joking, Lord! Of course I wrote down the dove and the pigeon.
The Lord: Ahaha! You know what, Abram?
Abram: What?
The Lord: You’re way funnier than Noah ever was.
Abram: It’s a shame about the mold.
The Lord: Tell me about it.
And that concludes today’s edition of Gregory’s bible stories. Please check back next week to find out what The Lord wants Abram to do with the cow, the goat, the ram and the dove and the pigeon! What could it be?
Until next time . . . I love you
Loosely based on Genesis 15: 1-9