50 Billion Planets and I Can’t Find My Telescope!

The Daily Mail Online

The Daily Mail Online is a UK newspaper, and I love the way they say things:  Like today for instance.  There was a story about how Gwyneth Paltrow (in whom the UK is extremely interested) looks so slender and fit in her bikini, that she is the reason females all over the world are “weeping into their Snack a Jacks.”

People in the UK Say Things Differently

And did you know people in the UK don’t thumb through the paper; they “flick” through it? In the UK, a saggy butt is a “squishy bum” and English people never come over, they “pop over” instead.  But we would expect no less from the nation who brought us nursery rhymes.  Which is why I get all my news now from the Daily Mail Online.

Planets Galore

Today I read in the DM’s Science and Technology Section that scientists have estimated the number of planets in the Milky Way to be 50 billion. The jury is still out on how many in Snickers. (I’ve decided to finally use that Make a Lame Joke Get Out of Jail Free card I’ve been carrying around for years.)

Anyway, at the risk of coming off as flippant, I must respond to this 50 billion planet revelation with a resounding duh.

Heelllooo!  Internet to Scientists! 

Have you not noticed there is a little thing out there that Al Gore invented called the internet?  Do you not know that there are 50 billion websites dedicated to nothing but UFO’s, aliens and all things outer space-ishly freakish?

Perhaps I should type the rest of this post in baby talk for “certain people in our society who don’t get all their science information from UFO websites” but I’ll give them the benefit of the goo goo da da doubt.

First of all, anybody worth their weight in bandwidth knows that the queen of England is a Reptilian. 


As proof, here she is resisting the urge to lap up a fly with her tongue

You see, my dear Scientific Community, Reptilians are blood-drinking, shape-shifting reptilian humanoids from Alpha Draconic star system now hiding in underground bases in Hollow Earth and are doing mean things to people.

Obviously you woefully uninformed scientists need to read the writing on the crop circles.

Why do you men and women of science insist on always figuring out things the hard way?  You know, like reading things and writing things down, and crunching numbers and fooling around with test tubes and looking through telescopes and whatnot.

As the crop circle suggests get with it Dawgs! 

By the time you figure something out you’ll be dead.  Skip to the chase Dawgs and Dawgettes, get to the bottom line, or, as you UK scientists are fond of saying, the squishy bum!  We haven’t got time as The Race of Numbered Days to be monkeying around trying to figure things out the slow way.  Let’s just go with the hearsay and be done with it.

Stay with Me Here

Which means that everything we thought was true is false and everything we thought was false is true.  Stay with me here because I’m getting confused and I’m hoping you’ll be able to explain it to me later.

So Let’s Recap

The earth is a hollow ball located in the cosmos of Milky Way galaxy which may or may not be filled with a creamy nugget center but, either way, has reptile people writhing around inside of it taking turns pretending to be the queen of England. Oh, and there’s 50 billion more where that came from!

It’s enough to make you weep into your Snack a Jacks!


Until next time . . . I love you

7 thoughts on “50 Billion Planets and I Can’t Find My Telescope!

  1. Bloody brilliant, lass… Nonetheless, you can borrow my telescope, to look at the Reptilians yourself, if the amount of smarm in the Mail becomes tiresome. Me, I like The Mirror; very National Enquirish….

    I think I just offended spellchecker.

    Good call on Queenie’s photo; I can just see her jaw clenching to hold it back.

    As we used to say in the kitchen, funny shit….



  2. So glad you liked this one and could relate! Thanks for the heads up on the Mirror. I love me a good tabloid. And offending spellchecker is always a good sign. Interesting how WP spellchecker doesn’t think the word “spellchecker” is spelled right! There should be a word for that. Think of one Ned. That’s your assignment for this week!

  3. Linda, severe and irreversible brain damage can occur if you get all your news from the Daily Mail.

    Always take reading breaks every forty seconds and rest for three days.

    Never read beyond the first paragraph of any item without drinking gin and tonic while watching to make sure your gardener does indeed fettle the lobelia gigantus as agreed before he goes home.

    In the UK, describing someone as a ‘Daily Mail Reader’ brings with it certain connotations. However, none of those connotations are able to swim and therefore do not apply to Daily Mail Readers in your country.

    For more information, Google: “1st Viscount Lord Rothermere.”

    • Thank you for kindly giving me the benefit of the doubt when it comes to certain connotations that can’t swim. Sorry it too me so long to answer your wonderful comment as just this morning my brain damage was finally upgraded from reversible to irreversible. And for that I personally blame Snack a Jacks and the Queen of England There’s no going back now. Oh Britannia!

      • Phew…for one awful moment Linda, I thought you had bought the farm. Simply thrilled that you got them to upgrade you to Business Class! Irreversible brain damage is what keeps us all sane. Personally, I think its all down to wearing heels. I’m off to mow the lawn. Not mine – I just drive around with the mower until I find one. Good way of meeting strangers. Toodle pip!

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