Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned Ezekiel’s unusual experience with the Lord, part II.
If you will remember last week, our biblical hero, Ezekiel, was well on his way to becoming the Lord’s first 500-pound prophet after feasting on a chocolate-covered scroll that contained 1,437,118,227,922,091,561,403 grams of sugar and that caused his papyrus allergy to kick in like gangbusters. But God wasn’t done with Ezekiel yet, not by a long shot.
Somewhere in an undisclosed holy land location:
God: Mortal Man, get a brick and set it in front of you and scratch lines on it to represent the cit of Jerusalem.
Ezekiel: Okay but first would it be possible to get something for these hives, God? I can’t stop scratching.
God: How’d you get hives?
Ezekiel: From eating that papyrus scroll, remember? I told you I was allergic to papyrus.
God: But that scroll wasn’t made from papyrus, it was made from animal hide.
Ezekiel: Uh oh. Chipmunk by any chance?
God: As a matter of fact yes it was. How did you know that?
Ezekiel: My chipmunk allergy is even worse than my papyrus allergy.
God: Is that why your eyes are swollen shut?
God: Oh okay, I was wondering but I didn’t want to say anything. You know, maybe I better come back another time and have you do the rest of the stuff on my list.
Ezekiel: No! Absolutely not. I can do it! I can still see a little bit.
God: Are you sure?
Ezekiel: Of course, what are prophets for if not to carry out Your quirky plans, God!
God: Well then after you scratch Jerusalem on a brick, I want you to represent a siege of the city by putting trenches, earthworks, camps and battering rams around it.
Ezekiel: Wait a minute, you want me to dig trenches and earthworks, and put battering rams around it? I mean, can one guy even lift a battering ram? They’ve got to weigh a ton.
God: Just like you ha ha!
Ezekiel: Excuse me?
God: No I was just saying the exercise will do you good. You could use to drop a few pounds or 250.
Ezekiel: Okay my robe’s too tight I get it. Is that it?
God: No. After that I want you to take an iron pan and set it up like a wall between you and the city.
Ezekiel: I don’t have an iron pan.
God: You don’t have an iron pan? Get out? We’re living in modern biblical times! Nowadays, everybody and their goat has an iron pan! How do you make all those grilled Chebar cheese sandwiches you’ve been stuffing in your face nonstop with your exile homeys down at the Chebar River without an iron pan?
Ezekiel: Well, if you must know, I usually get one of my slaves to cook or if they’re on vacation, I get one of my wives to cook or if they are all dying in childbirth, I get one of my concubines to go for take out.
God: Well, the next thing I want you to do is lie down.
Ezekiel: Sweet! Now You’re talkin’!
God: Yeah I knew you’d like that part but it involves a little more than just lying down.
Ezekiel: Like what?
God: I want you to lie on your side and I’m going to place on you the weight of the guilt of Israel.
Ezekiel: Uh . . . that sounds pretty heavy. How much weight are we talking?
God: A lot but probably less than what you weigh ha ha! Anyways, I’m going to want you to do that for 390 days and then after that roll over on your other side for 40 days.
Ezekiel: Question: do I have to lie on the ground or do I get to lie on a mattress.
God: What’s a mattress?
430 Days Later:
God: Hey Ezekiel! You can get up now. How are you doing?
Ezekiel: Oy my back is stiff! And my hives are still driving me crazy and I’ve got a horrible headache.
God: Just for future reference? Whenever I ask how you’re are doing, it’s rhetorical. But hey! You look like you’ve lost weight! You’re robe’s not nearly as tight.
Ezekiel: I know I may have to go new robe shopping after this!
God: Okay, but first what I want you to do is fix your eyes on the siege of Jerusalem, shake your fist at the city and prophesy against it.
Ezekiel: But my eyes are swollen shut, remember?
God: Still? Hahaha! Well listen I’m going to go jump in my unidentified flying biblical object and get you ice to put on them.
Ezekiel: Okay. Oh, say, God . . . if you happen to go by a chocolate-covered scroll drive-thru would you mind picking me up a few chocolate-covered scrolls and also a couple Chebar cheese goat burgers while you’re at it?
God: Eeeezeeekiiieeelll! Just when you’re robe is finally fitting right . . .
Ezekiel: Okay okay nevermind!
And there you have it, Dear Readers. What Gregory learned in Sunday school this week. Please check back next week for part three when Ezekiel gets are really bad haircut and hilarity ensues.