Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.
Every week Gregory attends Sunday School and every week he comes home and retells his own version of the lesson.
Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned about Ezekiel’s unusual experience with the Lord and how he comes to the conclusion that God is working way too hard. Let’s listen in, shall we?
One beautiful morning while Ezekiel was enjoying his breakfast of goat hotcakes on the roof of his holy-land hovel and admiring the view of the village shrub, he heard a familiar voice calling to him.
God: Good Morning Mortal Man! Are you ready to judge the city that is full of murderers?
Ezekiel: Again already? Didn’t you just punish and kill a bunch of sinners by starving everyone and making parents eat their children and children eat their parents and whatnot?
God: Yes but God’s work is never done. You should see my in-box, Mortal Man. I want you to help me punish some more sinners because your father was an Amorite, your mother was a Hittite and you were born in Canaan which makes you a Hiccup.
Ezekiel: No it doesn’t.
God: Yeah but it would be so cool if it did — so let’s just say it does.
Ezekiel: Okay, so which city of murderers are you going to punish this time? By the way, don’t you have any vacation time coming up?
God: Mortal Man! I want you to announce what I am saying to the Ammonites who are insulting Israel. I was up til 3 a.m. writing a limerick about it. Tell me what you think.
“A sword is ready to destroy It is polished to kill to flash like lightning.”
Ezekiel: No offense, but it doesn’t rhyme very well.
God: Well it does in the language I wrote it in.
Ezekiel: What language was that?
God: Uh . . . I’ll tell you later, but first I want to punish Jerusalem because they have no respect for the holy places, they eat sacrifices that are offered to idols, they sleep with their father’s wives, they seduce their daughter-in-law or their half sisters, etc., etc., etc.
Ezekiel: Why didn’t you include all those sins in your limerick?
God: And throw off the perfect pentameter? Are you out of your mind?
God then began to symbolically explain to Ezekiel, due to his being a Hiccup and all, what happened after he was born.
God: When you were born no one cut your umbilical cord and you were thrown into an open field.
Ezekiel: Wow! That must have been one long umbilical cord!
God: Listen up. I’m serious.
Ezekiel: Sorry go ahead.
God: I passed by and saw you squirming in your own blood but I wouldn’t let you die. You grew strong and tall and became a young woman.
Ezekiel: Uh, you know, Lord, I think you’ve been working a little too hard. Some time off from punishing sinners might do you a world of good. Because I don’t know if you’re just overworked or what, but in case you haven’t noticed, I’m a guy.
God: No, I know you’re a guy. This is a symbolic story about you because your mother was a Hittite and your father was an Amorite and you are from Caanan which makes you a Hiccup.
Ezekiel: I don’t get it. Why do I have to be a woman in the story?
God: I’m not talking about you, I’m talking about Jerusalem! It’s a symbolic story!
Ezekiel: Oh good then I’m still a guy!
God: Of course you are! Anyway then I passed by again and saw that the time had come for you to fall in love. I covered your naked body with my coat and promised to love you. I dressed you in embroidered gowns and gave you shoes and a linen headband and–
Ezekiel: Uh I hate to interrupt your story, Lord, but my goat hotcakes are getting cold.
God: Oh sorry. Well listen. I’ll come back later and tell you another symbolic story about how Jerusalem is a prostitute.
Ezekiel: Well I don’t think I’m going to be home later.
God: Well, when do you think you will be home?
Ezekiel: Uh . . . I’ll call you.
God: Okay. Call me anytime! I’ll be up late working anyways! I’ll keep my phone with!!
And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday school. Please check back next week at this same time to see what Gregory will learn next.