Elisha, The Bible’s First Groupie


Every week Gregory attends Sunday School. 

Every week Gregory comes home and retells what he learned about.

This week Gregory learned about the profit Elijah and his devoted follower, Elisha.  Let’s listen in, shall we?

Gregory of the Bible According to Gregory Linda Vernon Humor

 

Elisha, The Bible’s First Groupie 

 

Back in biblical days before the days of the week had names, everybody just said “and it came to pass” to refer to any day other than today. On this particular “and so it came to pass” there were two biblical prophets named Elijah (Eli) and Elisha (Fred) who were touring the holy land.

Eli was a prophet and a  traveling miracle performer and Fred was his devoted fan, following Eli around everywhere he went like a little puppy dog.

Finally one day Eli just couldn’t take it anymore:

Eli:  Hey listen. Fred, it’s been great and all, but I just got word that the Lord is sending a whirlwind for me any minute now to take me up to heaven.  So I’ll see ya around.

Fred:    Yeah but where are you going now?

Eli:   The Jordan River.

Fred:  Oh I love the Jordon River!  I’ll come too!

Eli: There’s not enough room in the cart, sorry man.

Fred:  But I see plenty of room in the cart!

Eli:  Yeah, but I like to stretch out and whatnot . . . .

Fred:   Oh right!  Gotcha!  I’ll just run along behind.

When they got to the Jordon River. Eli told Fred to stay where he was because in order to cross the river, Eli was going to have to part the water with his “all in one miracle cloak.”  (This was way before swimming had been invented.)

Fred: What?  You’re going to do some water parting?  Oh I love that!  I’ll come too!

Eli sighed and rolled his eyes, and while he was parting the river, he looked over at Fred who was dusting out Eli’s cart and fluffing Eli’s cart-pillow, and he felt a pang of guilt.

Eli:  Hey listen Fred.  I’d like to give you a lovely parting gift before the Lord’s whirlwind  comes to get me.  So what would you like?

Fred:  For moi!  Really?  Oh gosh.  I need so many things.  Some new sandals maybe?

Eli:  Great new sandals it is!

Fred:  But then again I could use a new cloak.  This one’s got fig juice stains all over it.

Eli:  Great.

Fred:  No wait!  I know!  I’ll take a portion of your power that will make me your successor!

Just then the Lord’s Whirlwind pulled up and Eli got in and told the driver, “Heaven and make it snappy!” And that was the last time Fred ever saw Eli again.

A Biblical Nervous Breakdown

Fred was so grief stricken, when Eli left, he had the usual biblical nervous breakdown which consisted of tearing at his fig-stained cloak and ripping it into shreds using nothing but his one good tooth and his fingernails.  (This was way before the invention of fingernail clippers.)

Then Fred spied Eli’s magic cloak laying on the ground and put it on.  Seconds later, the Jordon River parted, and Fred walked across and found 50 men there who immediately began bowing at his feet and telling him they would go find Eli for him if he wanted them to.

Fred sat down and chugged big goblet of fig juice, while the men ran off to the mountains and valleys to look for Eli and came back and reported to Fred that that Eli was nowhere to be found.

But Fred wasn’t listening anyway, because he was too busy marveling at how the fig juice he spilled all over Eli’s “all in one miracle cloak” hadn’t left a stain . . .

And there you have it, Dear Readers, Gregory learned in Sunday school.  Please check back next Sunday to find out what happens  to Fred and his cloak.

Until next time . . . I love you

Elijah Ascends on the Lord's fiery chariot to heaven

7 thoughts on “Elisha, The Bible’s First Groupie

  1. Whenever I read Greggeory’s version if the bible stories I always crave fig juice and loaves of bread (but only the kind that is manifested from an old moss covered sandal).

    Eli sounds a little like that annoying neighbor who can’t take, “I can’t visit, I’m just about to head out into the Lord’s whirlwind” for an answer.

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