Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.
Today in Sunday School Gregory learned about Noah’s Ark and couldn’t help imagining what it must have been like living on the Ark while waiting for the flood to subside.
Life on the Ark
Noah: Honey! Come on! You’re not still packing are you? We’ve got to get going! The floodgates of the sky are opening!
Noah’s Wife, Betty: I can’t get my bath robe to fit into this stupid suitcase!
Noah: Here let me do it.
Betty: Oh no you don’t! You’ll wrinkle everything!
Noah: Honey! I just packed two of every kind of animal into one measly ark. I think I can pack a suitcase.
Betty: Do you think we’ll have room for the trampoline? I’d like to stay in shape, God only knows how long we’ll be stuck on the ark.
Noah: Sure you can bring the tambourine. You know how much I love to sing.
Betty: Not the tambourine, Noah, the trampoline.
Noah: We have a trampoline?
Betty: What’s the matter Noah? You look upset.
Noah: It’s God. I just got all the animals packed in the Ark so they fit nicely and now God has added seven pairs of each kind of ritually clean animal and seven pairs of each kind of bird to the list.
Betty: You mean he didn’t mention it before now?
Noah: Nope.
Betty: Well maybe you could just hose off some of the ones you already have.
Noah: Either way, I’m afraid there won’t be room for any trampolines this trip, honey.
After Noah had finally figured out a way to pack everything into the ark, the Lord shooed all the animals away from the door and slammed it shut. (Part of a zebra’s tail was still sticking out but the Lord just ignored it since there was no way he was ever going to get that door shut again.) Then the Lord gave the ark an almighty heave-ho and off they went!
Day 10 on the ark:
Ham: Dad can’t we open a window or something? The smell in here is gross!
Noah: What’s that? I thought I saw your lips moving, son, but I can’t hear you over all the squawking, and the mooing and the bleating.
Betty: I can’t stand all this sitting! I just know I’m putting on weight. What I wouldn’t give for that trampoline right now.
Noah: What honey? Did you say something about a tambourine?
Shem: I’m hungry! Hey I know! What’s say we barbecue one of the animals!
Japheth: Are we there yet?
Day 50 on the ark:
Everybody in unison: Ninety- nine potter vessels of wine on the ark, 99 pottery vessels of wine, take one down and pass it around 98 pottery vessels of wine on the ark . . .
Day 100 on the ark:
Shem: Hey guess what everybody? We have officially risen 25 feet above the tops of the mountains!
Ham: How do you know that?
Shem: I measured it with this 25-foot flood dipstick Dad let me bring.
Betty: Noah! How come you let Shem bring a 25-foot water dipstick, but you wouldn’t let me bring one lousy little trampoline?
Noah: What’s that Betty? I can’t hear you over all the snorting and the squealing and the bow-wowing.
Japheth: Are we there yet?
Day 130 on the ark:
Shem: Hey Dad a raven and a dove just got out and the raven didn’t come back but the dove did, and it had an olive branch in its beak!
Noah: You know what, Shem, at this point Daddy doesn’t really give a rat’s behind.
Ham: Ha ha! Funny you should say that, Dad, because there are several rats behind you right now!
Noah: Hm . . . apparently some of us have been going forth and multiplying early.
Day 150 on the ark:
Noah: Ninety nine pottery vessels of—
Ham: Hey Dad! Last time I looked outside there wasn’t any water anywhere, just dry land as far as the eye could see.
Noah: What? When was this?
Ham: About three months ago give or take.
Noah: What? Why didn’t you tell me?
Ham: I know how much you hate getting interrupted when you sing.
And a hardy laugh was had by all.
And there you have it, Dear Readers! How Gregory imagines life on the ark during the Great Flood. Be sure and check back next week for the further adventures of Noah and the gang.
Until next time . . . I love you
Linda Vernon Humor 
So, the last photo definitely proves that Betty was smarter than Noah (ah-ha, Noah DID have a mustache !). All of us non-swimmers over one foot tall are eternally indebted to her.
Just goes to show you behind every great man is a women with a head for math.
And, for all men, I want to thank all you women. We’d be lost without you – and without the locals whom you insist we ask for directions (I’m still thinking pre-GPS; toldja I’m old … )
Ha! Yes asking for directions is definitely a flashback. Which reminds me I need to pick up a map next time I’m at the museum.
I just had a flashback – remember the Benchley article “Ask That Man” ?
No I don’t remember that one . . . But my favorite all time of his is “Do Insects Think”
Ask That Man (if I recall the title correctly) is the one where he cures his wife of telling him to ask for directions by pretending to ask for directions, but actually making up intentionally wrong info, resulting in a far-flung excursion after repeatingly (well, it’s a word now) fabricating wrong directions.
Hahaha! I don’t remember that one nut I’m going to go find it right now!
I just had a flashback – remember the Benchley article “Ask That Man” ?
OK, two flashbacks. Or maybe one was a flashforward.
Flashforward would make a great name for a novel. Now all I need is a plot and 80,000 more words and I’d be good to go!
Not having a plot has never been a disadvantage for you in the past…
That’s true. Now that I think about it, I actually do a lot better without a plot.