Just Keep On Driving
Highway 395 slices the state of California right down the middle like a dull knife wielded by a farsighted California State Assemblyman on a two-week Tequila bender. It is on the right-hand half that our story takes place.
Here Jake Spitzwater presided over the Spitzwater Hamster Ranch – where 15,000 hamsters roamed free across a 12-acre expanse of prime California Hamster Country. And here is where Jake Spitzwater reigned supreme over his hamster empire, signing autographs for tourists who would stop by occasionally just to get Jake’s autograph and to also borrow a gallon of gas having run out about a mile up the road.
Jake Spitzwater had an uncanny gift. He could look any hamster squarely in the eyes and charm it immediately into submission so that it never bit anyone again. Using this god-given talent, Jake made millions.
Its just a pity that Candy had to come along and ruin everything.
Jake first set eyes on Candy shortly after she ran out of gas about a mile up the road. She sauntered down Jake’s driveway dressed in her little white tank top, skimpy cutoffs and pink hamsterboy boots. By the time Candy pouted her pretty little lips to form the words, “Can I borrow a gallon of gas?” Jake was in love.
Candy became Candy Spitzwater two weeks later. They settled easily into an idyllic hamstermen’s life, sitting on the porch watching their hamsters kick up teeny, tiny clouds of dust on a lazy afternoon.
Then one day Candy forgot and left the gate open and she and Jake watched helplessly as 15,000 head of hamster ran away — taking their idyllic life with them.
Jake was so mad he shot Candy right between the eyes while Candy simultaneously fatally wounded Jake by stabbing him 37 times in the abdomen.
If you’re ever on the right-hand side of highway 395 and see a commotion, pay no attention. It’s probably just the ghosts of Jake and Candy Spitzwater or, failing that, 15,000 bewildered head of hamster — either way just keep on driving.
Until next time . . . I love you