Swearing Off My British Murder Addiction

Dear Readers!  I woke up this morning from a horrible nightmare in which I found a puppy the size of a humming-bird clinging to a branch at the bottom of a swimming pool.  

I managed to pry the puppy off the branch and attempted to get help for it by running with it in my arms over the Golden Gate bridge — which had washed out during the night and had to be replaced by a wobbly wooden bridge that didn’t quite meet the other side– even though they had gone to the trouble of painting it the actual color of the golden gate bridge.   (There was also a flood where people wearing soccer uniforms were rushing by.)  I woke up terrified!  I know it doesn’t sound all that scary — but it really was a terrifying nightmare!

This looks a lot like the puppy I was carrying.  It was absolutely terrifying!
This looks a lot like the puppy I was carrying.  It was beyond scary!

You see, Dear Readers, I’ve started having nightmares lately, and I’ve never been much of a nightmare person.  And so this morning, I was earnestly  trying to figure out the cause of these nightmares when it hit me what the culprit was:

Amazon Prime and the BBC

I signed up for Amazon Prime awhile back. I don’t remember why, I really think it might have been by accident.  Anyway, they have 40,000 movies and TV episodes to choose from.   So I started binge watching British detective TV shows in the evenings.

While my husband, 37, was happily watching the science channel, I would only be pretending to be awed about what will happen when the sun becomes a red dwarf — because all the while I was watching –with one eye and one earphone — murders galore!

Murders that were dark and bloody and creepy and murdery as all get out.

And I just realized this morning (about ten minutes ago) that watching all these murders night after night are giving me nightmares!

Oh sure, I know a nightmare about having to carry a puppy over the golden gate bridge doesn’t sound like much of a nightmare,  but you’ll have to take my word for it that it was not only a nightmare, it was my  nightmare wake-up call!

So Dear Readers, as of today, I’m swearing off my British murder addiction.

No more Amazon Prime for me.  I’ll go back to watching the science channel with 37.  I won’t even mind watching that girl scientist they have on sometimes with the weird bangs, because no matter how horrible her bangs are, they  won’t be murdering anybody now, will they?

"Stop!  I can't take it any more!"

Honestly, I don’t know why it took me so long to put 2 and 2 together about my nightmares.

I guess as much as I love British TV detectives, I’d make a lousy one.  First of all, I have trouble following plots, so I’d have to have a sidekick explaining things to me everywhere I went, and, of course,  I’d only be able to solve murders that didn’t involve any freeway driving to get to the crime scene (especially on that wrong side of the road the British are so fond of ).

And as much as I like faking an English accent, I’m horrible at it — so I guess it’s best for all involved I’m not a British TV detective.

I’ll keep you posted on how it’s going with swearing off my British murdering, Dear Readers.  I only hope I can do it on my own and won’t have to join a murderer’s anonymous support group.

Wish me luck!

Until next time . . . I love you

41 thoughts on “Swearing Off My British Murder Addiction

  1. Which ones? Shirley is addicted to murder in books mainly yet one it comes to Agatha and that stuff I can lose her for hours on end! She even claims to have thought up the ;perfect murder yet won’t tell me what it is no less! What are – or should I ask were – the cause of said nightmares?

    • Oh gosh! I’ve watched so many they are all blending together. Vera, Inspector Morse, Lewis, Wallander, White Chapel, and I also watched a really good one that isn’t British but takes place in New Zealand called Top of the Lake and that’s just the ones I can think of at the moment.

      Good for Shirley. I don’t know if I’d be worried though, Mike, if she thought of the perfect murder but won’t tell you what it is . . . but then again I’ve been watching too many murder mysteries! Does she write? Maybe she’ll have to write a mystery!

  2. Perhaps the puppy was an English bull dog and was stuck in the English Channel after trying to escape from the local murdering feind. I now in the moodyo watch The bbc Sherlock Holmes.

    I love bbc dramas which are pretty much all like Downton Abby but different settings. Right now we are watching Paradise which is about a 19th century retail store. Try it out!

    • I think you ought to submit your idea to one of the British Detective murdering shows! It’s got real potential. But if they make it into a show don’t tell me, I plan to be unaddicted by then and I wouldn’t want to start up again. I’ve never tried Paradise, but I’m going to tonight. I’m assuming it’s murder free or at least murder-lite . . . ?

  3. I am so glad, Linda. You really are quite observant. British television murder series are so gauche, pandering to the lowest intellect. They leave one somehow…emptied. Do you remember, Linda? Do you remember the silence of the puppies…?

  4. Maybe you could switch to an Australian murder mystery (Miss Fisher Mysteries–post WWI) or nice calm Detective Foyle (Foyle’s War–WWII). Less blood but still strong story lines. I am addicted to British TV…don’t get me started on Doc Martin!

    • Oh Doc Martin! I love him too! I will take you up on that suggestion Helen. I was starting to feel a a little at loose ends wondering how I was going to fill my British murderless evenings and you’re two suggestion sound like a very good way to start the weaning process! Thank you Helen!

  5. I don’t watch those shows much, only ones I like are anything Agatha Christie or Jonathon Creek. I like my murders to be in a twee village with a ridiculous conclusion to how it happened. I have taken to wearing tweed for this very reason, I may use a cane too and maybe a monocle since I need new glasses anyway. I harbor a desire to travel on the Orient Express but I know I am just going to be disappointed when no one gets murdered.

    • Oh you definitely have to get a monocle and wear tweed, at least when your watching your shows. I would move to a small village if I could be guaranteed at least one nice murder a year with a ridiculous conclusion. Otherwise it might get kind of boring. Ha! Yes the Orient Express is just another train ride without murder!

      • I do like a village, my brother moved to one last year and as I walked into the pub a hush fell and I heard an old man mutter..”strangers…”

          • It was a creepy place, the whole village were in one village hall for a fete. the streets were deserted…this is getting very Stepford Wives now. They were running a tombola and for £1 entry you could win a jar of mayonnaise (which retails at 0.89p) They tried making me eat Christmas pudding and I had to fight them off. Outside was a Santa’s grotto which was actually an old bus which had some curtains drawn halfway down it and I guess ‘Santa’ was lying in wait behind it. It was very sinister and I expect I was witnessing some weird cult at play. I’ll be less Mrs marple and more Poirot, I’m a city dweller but can venture into the country to solve a crime.

            • Ahaha! Mayonnaise!! You have the very best adventures of anybody I know Joe! I don’t know what Christmas pudding is but I hope it wasn’t made out of .89 p mayonnaise and Santa on a bus lying in wait behind curtains. I’ve never wanted to travel to England more than I do right now!

                  • It’s a steamed pudding with suet, dried fruit and Xmassy spices and you prepare months in advance feeding it brandy all the time. So it’s very boozy. Then you serve it with brandy butter (just for good measure) and set the thing alight when serving. It’s great for Christmas loving pyromaniacs. Maybe you have it but call it something else?

                    I read Nigella Lawson makes hers a year ahead and freezes it. I suppose she will never know if she is going to be in court for a few months so has to be prepared.

                    • Now that’s a Christmas treat if ever there was one! It sounds wonderful!! I have never heard of such a thing over here! I think the closest we come to it is fruitcake, but everybody here hates it.

                      I just googled Nigella Lawson! Nigella prepares her Christmas pudding a year in advance! Wow! I wonder how much cocaine it would take to make a person want to start preparing Christmas goodies a year early? Anything I prepared a year early and put in the freezer, I’d probably unthaw the very next day and eat.

  6. And here I thought that British TV detectives were a benign addiction. Who knew they could ravage a life the way it has yours?

    Amazon Prime is upping it’s membership fee, so you’re bailing out just in the nick of time. That how all drug dealers work. They give you a little taste and then up the price. It’s the oldest trick in the junkie book.

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