Month: March 2014

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Noah Sleeps It Off

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, The Daily Routine , , , , , , ,

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.

Today in Sunday School Gregory learned about Noah’s Ark and couldn’t help imagining what Noah and everyone was up to once they were on dry land again, and the only people left on earth.

Linda Vernon Humor, the bible according to gregory, humorous bible storiesNoah Sleeps It Off

In  last week’s lesson, God turned on the heavenly hose full blast until everything that breathed couldn’t breath anymore, and all the bad people on earth became dead, except for God’s favorite man, Noah, who built an ark etc. etc. (See Old MacDonald’s Farm for more information).

When God finally pulled the plug on the deluge, Noah was  601 years old even though Noah didn’t look a day over 500 and could still touch his toes!

While Noah’s wife and Noah’s three sons Ham, Shem and Japheth and their kids  enjoyed sifting through the flood debris for cool stuff, Noah spent most of the time moping in his tent and picking the mud off his robe.

Occasionally Noah would schlep through the flood debris to the  barbecue/altar to fix the Lord and (and himself)  a Shem burger invented by his son Shem  (his son Ham was too lazy to invent anything).

"Lord! I give you the Shem Burger!"
“Lord! I give you the Shem Burger!”

But mostly Noah sat around just  whining and complaining to his wife, Betty, about how much he missed mankind.

Betty:  Noah, you really need to stop laying around all day kvetching.

Noah:  There’s nothing else to do.  I hate this place, it’s so boring!

Betty:  How can you say that when there’s so much debris out there just waiting to be sifted through.  Look what I found just today?

Noah:  What is it?

Betty:  An apple with one bite out of it!

Noah:  Weird.

Betty:  Listen, Noah why don’t you start on a project.  Do something constructive.  You’re a farmer.  Maybe you could plant something.

Noah:  Hey that’s a swell idea, Betty.  I’ll plant a vineyard!

Betty:  A vineyard?  But we don’t drink.  I don’t think the Lord would approve of that, Noah.

Noah:  Oh no!  Not for wine . . .

Betty:  For what then?

Noah:  Oh you know, for raisin bran, raisin cookies, Waldorf salads . . .

Betty:  I don’t like raisins in salad.

Noah:  Okay, whatever, you can pick the raisins out.  The point is, Betty,  what this place could use is a vineyard!  Besides wine seeds are the only seeds I brought with.

Betty:  You mean grape seeds?

Noah:  Yeah, what’d I say?

Betty:  You said wine seeds.

Noah:  Whoops.  Slip of the tongue.

Betty:  Are you sure?

Noah:  Betty, I’m 601 years old for god sakes, cut me some slack!

Three years later:

Betty:  Noah?  What are you drinking?

Noah:  Just some . . .hic .  . . grape juice.

Three Years and two hours later:

Shem:  Hey has anybody seen, Dad?

Ham:  He got wasted and passed out in his tent buck naked!

Shem:  Oh my Lord!

Japheth;  Oh my God!

Ham:  Oh you guys, stop being  such prigs!

Japheth :  We care about, Dad, okay?  We’re not pigs, Okay?

Shem:  Yeah!

Ham:  I didn’t say you were pigs, I said you were prigs.

Shem:  Same thing.

Ham:  Listen Shem, I think I know what a pig is, I was named after one.  Hello?!

Jepeath:   Come on Shem.  Let’s go get a blanket to put over Dad’s buck nakedness.

Shem:  What’s a blanket?

Japheth:   It’s  a robe without sleeves. You really need to keep up with technology better, Shem.

Drunk Noah

Three Years and Six Hours Later:

Japheth:  Dad’s awake and he wants to see you, Ham.

Ham:  Yeah Dad?

Noah:  I’m putting a curse on your son, Canaan!

Ham:  Why?

Noah:  He will be a slave to his brothers.  Give praise to the Lord the God of Shem! May God cause Japheth to increase!!

Ham:  Well Japheth has been putting on weight but  I  just thought it was the Shem burgers.

Noah:  CANAAN WILL BE THE SLAVE OF SHEM!

Ham:   Okay Dad! I’m standing right here. There’s no need to shout.  Please use your indoor voice.  How about a nice cup of black coffee and a cold shower?

Noah:  AND HIS DESCENDANTS LIVE WITH THE PEOPLE OF SHEM! DO YOU HEAR KNOCKING?   WHO SET MY CHEESE AFIRE?

Ham:  Okay Dad, now I know you’re still drunk.  Afire is not even a word, is it?

Noah:  A CURSE ON CANAAN!

Ham:  But Dad, my son Canaan is just a little innocent boy who loves his grandpa.

Noah:  OKAY!  MAKE THAT A CURSE ON CANADA!

Ham:  Consider it cursed!   Go  back to sleep, Dad.

Noah:  Okay, but wake me up when it’s time for soccer practice.

 And there you have it, Dear Readers.  How Gregory imagines it was like after for Noah after the flood.  Check back next week at this same time to find out what happens next.

Until next time . . . I love you

Noah thinks about cheese . . or Canada . . . or Canadian cheese . . .
Noah thinks about cheese . . or Canada . . . or Canadian cheese . . .

A 70’s Party Where Nobody Got the Memo

Linda Vernon Slighty Creepy Seventies, The Daily Routine , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers!  It’s been far too long since we’ve visited the Slightly Creepy Seventies, the decade that just can’t be rivaled when it comes to the creepy factor in fashions, home decor and food.

Today let’s talk a look back on a Slightly Creepy Seventies party where it would seem that:

Apparently Nobody Got the Memo 

Runny butter

Daisies

 

(If the captions are too small, you can click on the picture)seventies party linda vernon humor

Apparently I didn't get the memo

Apparently nobody go the memo

And there you have it, Dear Readers.  A little of the Slightly Creepy Seventies to take you on into the weekend.

Until next time . . . I love you

Fish it From the Archives Friday: Ode to Al Gore

Linda Vernon The Daily Routine , , , , , , , ,

Welcome to Friday, Dear Readers.  I read recently that Al Gore has taken up a Vegan diet!   I just hope he doesn’t scarf down all the Vegans and will leave some for the rest of us!   Anyway, it got me to thinking about Dear Old Al: 

An Ode To Al

al-gore

Oh dear Al Gore, we love you so

For making up stuff, as you go

You’re so much fun, you’re such a  gas

And of late, a colossal mass!

Al Gore's epitaph

You are The Man of all things global

The recipient of prizes, Nobel

There’s really nothing we can do

To fill your carbon footprint shoe!

Al_Gore thinking

Though the environment’s in such a state

There’s still not too much on your plate!

There’s greenhouse gas, there’s ecosystems

(Well it’s far too numerous to list ’em)

algore_slaphead

Oh dear Al Gore, you always please

When a tear for polar bears you squeeze

And when you apply your concentration

You can actually pronounce “deforestation”!

300px-AlGoreGlobalWarmingTalk_Crop11

Oh dear Al Gore, what would you do

If we weren’t burning fossil fuel

And melting glaciers left and right

To aid you in your noble fight!

al_gore_1

When all is said and done, Dear Al

And you shuffle off to be God’s pal

Those pearly gates you’ll enter yet

For giving us the Internet

al-gore-pray

Until next time . . . I love you

Current Events Coloring Pages

Linda Vernon Coloring Pages, The Daily Routine , , , , , , ,

Dear Readers.  I think you’ll agree when I say that this world doesn’t need more news.  What this world needs is more news coloring pages.  To that end, this blog has taken it upon itself to provide coloring pages for today’s true news stories gleaned from around the world.

London’s Most Adorable Pyromaniacs:

A pigeon in South London who brought a lit cigarette into his nest at the top of an apartment building started  a highly dangerous blaze that caused the evacuation of 9 people.

Richard Scroggs, who runs The Old Post Office Bakery in Landor Road, was quoted as saying, “Smokers.  What can you say?  I’m glad I gave it up.”

Investigators are on the look out for any pigeons seen smoking or chewing Nicorette gum.

A Careless Dog

A careless dog caused a fire when it jumped on the kitchen counter and accidentally or purposely hit the controls on a toaster resulting in a fire.

To determine if the dog activated the toast on purpose or by mistake, authorities are analyzing the crumbs found on the dog’s face to determine if they were indeed toast crumbs.

London’s Most Adorable Pyromaniac Coloring Page

Adorable Pyromaniacs
Careful Dog, you could start a fire.

Girl Chased by Huge Group of Rabbits and Lives to Tell the Tail

During World War II,  eight rabbits were used to test mustard gas on the Japanese island of Okunoshima.  Since then, the rabbit population has expanded to the point where it is virtually impossible to walk down the road without being stampeded by cotton tails.

Just ask  Yu Yu Lam who got chased by a stampede of rabbits so large, she made national news!

Yu Yu Lam Coloring Page

Y Y lam being chased by rabbits coloring page
Yikes . . .well it’s not really all that scary, I guess.

A Fisheries Officer Witnesses Bigfoot on the Canadian Shoreline

Fisheries officer, Luke Swan Jr., spotted a huge, strange animal crouched down at the side of the water just as he was boarding his boat to push off from the Canadian shoreline.

“It was probably eight or nine feet tall.  When I saw it, it scared me,” Swan stated.  He later returned to the site with his father where they found a series of large tracks measuring 16″ long and 9″ across.

Big Foot Coloring Page:

Big Foot Coloring Page
That’s Bigfoot’s feet alright! And he’s tracking mud all over the forest!

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  Happy Coloring!

Until next time . . . I love you

What is the Royal Canadian Air Force Trying to Tell us?

Linda Vernon 1960's, Health and Beauty, The Daily Routine , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers!  Have you been eating a little too much of everything lately causing you to feel fat?  Feeling fat is a horrible feeling. To find out how horrible ‘feeling fat’ is let’s look at where feeling fat lies on a scale of one to ten:

Feeling Fat on a Scale of 1-10

Well never fear, Dear Readers!  Help for “Feeling Fat” is on the way from the Royal Canadian Air Force!

Yes you too can look hot in your Royal Canadian Air Force uniform if you ignore the shoes!
Yes you too can look fetching in your Royal Canadian Air Force uniform (providing you leave the shoes at home)

Now you’re probably saying to yourself, but, Linda, what gives?  (If you’re not go ahead and say it to yourself, I’ll wait)

You’re not even a Canadian, Linda. Shouldn’t a post about exercising with the  Royal Canadian Air Force at least be written by a blogger who is actually from Canada like Zoe, or Trent,  or Helena? Or at least a blogger who recently visited Canada – like the effervescent Guap?  Or even Lily, our most beloved Canadian poser?

Effervescent Guap
“Peel me a poutine!”

And the answer is a resounding NO with 5 Canadian exclamation marks not including this one → !

While I was Schlepping

For I ask you, Dear Readers, where were all these so-called Canadians while I was schlepping around the thrift store hunting my fingers to the bone looking for Royal Canadian Air Force Exercise booklets from 1962 to keep you, Dear Reader, from “feeling fat?”

I’ll tell you where they were!  They were relaxing on their ice-sculpted couches, eating their poutine with their miniature hockey sticks, that Canadians use instead of forks — all the while going on and on about how great William Shatner is ad naseum in between sticking the letter “u” in random words that are just fine without them — that’s where!

But let’s get back to the topic at hand:  Feeling Fat, America’s National Epidemic that the Canadian Royal Air Force is trying its darndest to help us out with

People in Canada don’t have a “Feeling Fat” epidemic because they’re a hardy bunch of stalwart individuals who brave the bitter cold each and every day. In fact, Canadians burn more calories walking to and from their cars in freezing temperatures in one day than a typical American will burn in a week paddling on an air mattress to Hawaii or Alaska (but usually Hawaii).

So now let’s open the The Royal Canadian Air Force Exercise book and see just exactly what exercises the Royal Canadian Air Force tells us to perform to keep us from feeling fat:

Feeling fat
The Royal Canadian Air Force stresses that if you don’t have a rough towel any type of sandpaper will work.
" okay
For  “Feeling Fat” Americans  this is going to be while putting on our socks as shoes weigh us down when we’re swimming to Hawaii or, less rarely, Alaska 
Oh boy
In Canada stepping out smartly always includes carrying a chair in Canadian underwear — which, of course, goes without saying, and we Americans would do well to follow suit.

And there you have it, Dear Readers! If this little exercise in exercising the Royal Canadian Air Force way has helped you to feel a little less fat, then their job here is done, and they can go back to what they do best which is, of course, carrying chairs around in their Canadian underwear.

Until next time . . . I love you

What’s Wackadoodle 1956 Mom up to Now?

Linda Vernon The Daily Routine , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers!  I’m going out on a computer shopping excursion today wherein I will be replacing my trusty kaput computer, Lenny Xavier.  (If he somehow manages to get logged in to your e-mail or something,  just tell him I’m out buying socks.)

Until then let’s take a look back at another wackadoodle adventure  of 1956 Mom:

In this 1956 government issued Bulletin No. 10, the government suggests 1956 Mom go about killing the lonely hours of her day by freezing some strawberries!

Isn’t it adorable?

To that end, the government has transformed the simple task of placing some strawberries in the freezer into a complicated, time-consuming ordeal that is guaranteed to take 1956 Mom all day long!

Step One

First, 1956 Mom needs to wash the strawberries, then gently lift them out of the water where they will be ready for contemplation (as pictured).

To kill as many lonely hours as possible, the government is suggesting 1956 Mom contemplate the berries for two hours minimum — the same length of time she was instructed to contemplate her navel in the previously issued government Bulletin No. 9 entitled 1956 Moms and Their Navels.

Step Two:

1956 Mom now needs to remove the hulls from the berries which is easier said than done.  1956 Mom knows that she doesn’t exactly know what a strawberry hull is  — which means a trip to the local library where she can study the anatomy of a strawberry and sketch it into her Things I Once Froze diary for future strawberry freezing reference.

Step Three

1956 Mom is happy to finally get to the high point of her day, the sprinkling of the sugar! Oh what fun she will have!  But the fun doesn’t end there. She also gets to turn the strawberries over and over in the sugar for as long as her little arms will allow –giving nary a care to carpal tunnel syndrome — which, in 1956, hadn’t even been invented yet!

Step Four:

The next step is to pack the berries into a container. This step is  self-explanatory.  To find out more about things that are self-explanatory, 1956 Mom will have refer to previously issued government Bulletin No. 7 entitled The Government Explains Things That Are Self-Explanatory.

Step Five

Next 1956 Mom is going to need to press the lid on the container firmly making sure it’s on watertight — which means 1956 Mom will have to go to the garage, locate Father’s fishing gear, then find the nearest body of water in which to throw the container.  Then quickly fish it out, open the lid and check carefully for wet strawberries.  Phew! What 1956 Mom won’t do to kill the lonely hours of her day!

Step Six

Finally, 1956 Mom has made it to the very last step of her herculean strawberry freezing project.  It was touch and go there for a couple of hours!  But thanks to 1956 Mom’s perseverance, the only thing left to do now is label the containers with the name of the fruit (that’s easy . . . strawberries!) and the date she froze them.  For this, 1956 Mom will carefully pen  1 9 5 6.  Because if there’s one thing 1956 Mom knows, it’s her name!

Of course 1956 Mom might want to take a calligraphy class first to kill a few more hours of her lonely day — but that’s another government issued bulletin for another government issued day!

Until next time . . . I love you

R.I.P Lenny Xavier, A Star Player in the Linda Vernon Electronics Team

Linda Vernon Blogging , , , , , , ,

Dear Readers.  Bad News!  The star player in my Linda Vernon Electronics Team, my desktop computer, Lenny Xavier went mad and had to be unplugged.

There were signs but I chose not to see them

There have been signs.  I won’t go into the ugly particulars, but I didn’t take them seriously.  You see, Lenny Xavier had a tendency to be a bit of a  hypochondriac. He was always  worrying about  his updates, and he was always going off-line at slightest provocation to restart.   And god only knows what Lenny was doing while he was restarting.  (I suspect a serious electronic- cigarette addiction.)

As with any hypochondriac, one tends to quit listening after a while.   Life goes on no matter how many viruses  Lenny Xavier worried himself into a state of hysteria imagining he had.

Today Lenny Xavier went beeping mad!

Today, Dear Readers, Lenny completely lost it and just started beeping and beeping and beeping and beeping!  (If Lenny  had hands I suspect  he would have also been doing that lip strumming thing too if he had lips.)

I tried to calm him down by pushing control alt delete repeatedly and swearing at him but he just kept beeping and beeping and beeping.  Dear Readers it was ever so horrifying and ever so traumatizing and ever so annoying.

I had no choice!

I had no choice but  to unplug Lenny Xavier from his life support.   Don’t look at my blog like that!  I had too!  It’s not like I shot Old Yeller! (Almost but not quite).  

I  just gently unplugged Lenny Xavier from life support, that’s all.  After all, this time he could  have really had that  rabies virus he was always thinking he had.

And I swear he was on the verge of biting met too!  I could tell by the way his motor was growling!

You’re probably wondering how I’m typing this right now.  Call me mercenary (mercy for short), but I planned for this day  by asking for a laptop computer from my husband, 37, for Christmas this year!  I knew he’d get me one too because 37 can never resist an excuse to go to Fryes to purchase things that plug in.

Enter Delores

My new little laptop, Delores, is just a pup but so far she’s a real trooper and can be counted on in an emergency such as this one.  I haven’t told  Delores yet about what happened to Lenny Xavier.   I may have to download When Bad Things Happen to Good Computers first  to soften the blow  — but I’m sure she’ll rally (especially when she realizes that she, too, has a plug.)

Of course, I have no intention of running  right out and replacing poor dear Lenny Xavier this morning.  Naturally I’ll wait  a respectable amount of time.

I figure somewhere around  2 p.m. should do it.

R.I.P Lenny Xavier 2007 -2014
R.I.P Lenny Xavier
At least he died doing something he loved, beeping.

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Lesson: When The Ark Disembarked

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, The Daily Routine

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.

Today in Sunday School Gregory learned about Noah’s Ark  and couldn’t help imagining what it must have been like stepping out on dry land after being stuck on the ark for so long.

 LInda Vernon humoous bible storiesWhen The Ark Disembarked

As imagined by Gregory

When Noah and his wife and his three sons, Shem, Ham and Japheth and their wives and two of every animal on earth had been stuck on the ark together so long  no amount of Febreeze could have helped, Ham looked out the window and saw that all the water was gone, and the ark was  high-centered on Mount Ararat.

"Oy!"
“Oy!”

The date was January 1, قبل يسوع– wouldn’t you know!  The one day everybody was hung over.

Noah looked outside and saw that even though the sun was so bright it was giving him an even worse headache, the land was still pretty muddy so he made everybody stay inside the ark until the mud was complete gone on February 27, قبل يسوع   because no one had remembered to bring their goloshes

When Noah was 601 years old. God told Noah  to go ahead and let everybody out of the ark so that they could get started on reproducing and populating the earth again.

Noah decided to keep it to himself that the male and female rats  already had 473 kids. Why let the cat (both  male and female) out of the bag?  Noah figured it would just put  God in another one of His Destroy-Every-Living-Thing funks.

So to keep God in a good mood, the first thing Noah did when he got outside was build an altar to the Lord using an old boot, some pottery cans and other debris he found on the ground from the Destroying-Every- Living-Thing rubble that was strewn up one side of Mt. Ararat and down the other.

Noah gathered one of each kind of ritually-cleaned animal and bird and burned them whole as a sacrifice to the altar.  Then he took out a bottle of  Noah’s Judgment Day Barbecue Sauce, he managed to smuggle in his robe — and poured it over the top.

The odor of the sacrifice made the Lord’s almighty mouth water!  Then the Lord said to himself (apparently out loud while only the bible was listening): 

“Never again will  I put the earth under a curse because of what man does; I know that from the time he is young his thoughts are evil. Never again will I destroy all living beings as I have done this time  . . . as long as the world exists there will be a time for . . .  etc . . .  etc . . . ” (right about here is where the bible quit listening).

Then God gave Noah a Thumbs Up/Thumbs Down list  for mankind’s behavior since nobody remembered to pack the Ten Commandments.

God’s Thumbs Up/Thumbs Down List for Post-Flood Mankind’s Behavior

Thumbs up to having all the children you can possibly stand! 🙂

Thumbs up to man being the boss of animals! 🙂

Thumbs up to  All You Can Eat Meat and Green Plant buffets. 🙂

Thumbs down to eating meat that still has blood in it. 🙁

Thumbs down to killing anybody or everybody like God just did. 🙁

Then God promised not to destroy the earth with a flood ever ever again. He didn’t come right out and say He was sorry, but everyone suspected it.

God went on to promise  that  every time a rainbow appeared in the sky, it would mean that God was keeping his promise to never wipe out mankind ever again with a flood so help Him Him.

Noah and the Rainbow

The bible tells us that Noah, Shem, Ham and Japheth were the ancestors of all the people on earth.  Of course, the bible probably would have listed their wives as ancestors too — but they were girls.

After that, everything was going swell in a hand basket for our little group of mankind, that is until Noah had to go and get the bright idea to plant a vineyard . . . and you don’t even want to know what happened next — but Gregory is going to tell you anyway — so check back next week, Dear Readers!

Noah's animals

Until next time . . . I love you