Mary Ellen’s Helpful Hints: Or What is Mary Ellen Trying to Say?

Hello Dear Readers! Today is a life changing day.  After reading today’s post, you will not only go away a person of exemplary character, you will, more importantly, know exactly what to do to keep your liver tender!  So without further adieu, let’s start changing our lives by way of Mary Ellen’s Helpful Kitchen Hints!

This diminutive dossier written by the demure Mary Ellen back in 1980 is  your golden ticket to efficiency in every area of life.
This diminutive dossier written by the demure hand of Mary Ellen Pinkham back in 1980 is our golden ticket to efficiency in every single area of lives except bowling.

Let’s begin by zeroing in on some of the more riveting and exciting helpful hints:

Corn on the Cob Not in the Teeth!

Mary Ellen's helpful kitchen hints

This is just the kind of hint we love Mary Ellen so dearly for.  In a mere 19 words, Mary Ellen has managed to solve the centuries-old heartbreak of that awkward, corn-silky smile!  Oops, I think Mary Ellen forgot to mention to be sure to remember to clean off your husband’s toothbrush and put it back just as he left it when you’re done de-silking corn with it. (He’ll never know!)  Oh Mary Ellen, you sly one you!

Mary Ellen’s Cottage Cheese Discovery

Mary Ellen's cottage cheese advice

After years of exhaustive testing, Mary Ellen can finally say that cottage cheese stays fresher longer when stored upside down in the refrigerator just like Mary Ellen’s cat does, and just like Mary Ellen’s parakeet does and just like Mary Ellen’s husband does!  Who knew? (Mary Ellen knew that’s who!)

 Feats with Meats Not to Be Confused with Meat with Feets

Mary Ellen's Hint for Bacon

Oh we’ll be thanking our beloved Mary Ellen for years to come for this one!  Simply go to your local hardware store and find something shaped like a tube, like maybe a pipe.  Then stop off at the welders and have it welded into the length of a package of bacon.  After that, there’s only one more stop to make at Office Depot where you can purchase rubber bands.

Now, Mary Ellen doesn’t make mention of what size the rubber bands should be, but listen, Mary Ellen knows there are some just things in life we have to figure out for ourselves, Dear Readers, and I’m afraid this is one of them.

But it will all be worth it because, in the long run, we’ll be saving ourselves valuable time when it comes to  peeling one piece of bacon apart from the one it’s stuck to.  And what could be better than that?  The answer is zilch, people, zilch!

High Liver High Liver High Lo

How to get liver high

And now for the pièce de résistance, Dear Readers!  The reason that you have read thus far and that is to find out the all important information of how to keep your liver tender!  Well, our Dear Mary Ellen simply takes the liver, soaks it in milk, refrigerates  it two hours, dries it, breads it and sautes it.

Well, if it worked for the livers of Mary Ellen’s cat and Mary Ellen’s parakeet and Mary Ellen’s husband, whose to say it won’t work for us, Dear Readers?

Until next time (when we discuss how Mary Ellen will be removing her mustache) . . . I love you

36 thoughts on “Mary Ellen’s Helpful Hints: Or What is Mary Ellen Trying to Say?

  1. Do people actually routinely remove the corn silk? I must be the worst husker EVER. I had no idea.

    Also, regarding cottage cheese, how does the cottage cheese know which side is up and which side is down? Is lid placement for the container that important? What if it’s like ketchup and the lid is on the bottom? Then do you store it right-side-up or do you flip it and store it right-side-down? You know what? Nevermind. I have a headache and frankly, I don’t care a fig for cottage cheese. I don’t care a fig for figs, too, unless they are in newton form.

    • Ha ha! Well let’s just say the whole cottage cheese this side up (or down) debacle was a fig newton of our imaginations, eat the rest of the cookies and move on. And yes! I was just discussing that with my daughter how cottage cheese would “know” if it was up or down. I love that you brought Ketchup into the fray . . . or is it catsup? Is there a difference? Uh oh now I’m getting a headache! 😀

  2. I wrote these down, and, I wonder if I store the liver in the upside down carton of cottage cheese, will I kill two birds with one stone?

  3. Just a second… I’m calculating in my head, the amount of time I’ll save when I don’t have to untangle my bacon…? By golly, I think I can go to Hawaii, just as you suggested, Linda!!! Oh, that Mary Ellen! “Who knew? Mary Ellen knew, that’s who! LOLOL!!”

    • hahah!! LOL! Well I think I always knew, subconsciously anyway, that the key to happiness had something to do with bacon. But I always thought it was eating it! Who knew it was all in the “untangling” LOL! (Mary Ellen knew, that’s who!)

  4. My liver is already tender, thanks to repeated applications of Jack Daniels over the years…. 🙂 Who needs milk? (Since I am leaving NOT knowing how to keep my liver tender, does that mean I can apply to get a refund? Just wondering….) Ta ta,dear, and say hello to Mary Ellen….

    • HAha!! Well I think tender livered is much better than lily livered! Even if it does require a marination in Jack Daniels.

      I’ll write to Mary post haste about that refund and I’ll send along some upside down cottage cheese to butter her up! 😀

    • Haha! Ronnie! Thank you for your concern. I too am a little confused. However, rest assured that I have an urgent call into Mary Ellen as I type this and I am expecting a call back any minute with a response — unless she’s dead — in which case we’ll have to take it to a higher authority. 😀

  5. I see on the cover that she sold 2 million of these!!! Good grief – I bet my mother owned a copy 😉

    I’ve got Mrs Beeton’s “Hint’s to Housewives” that my mother-in-law gave me (I think she was trying to give me a big hint! 😀

    • How is it possible to sell 2 million copies?? I didn’t even notice that. I would imagine my mother was one of the two million as well! Oh and Hints to Housewives sounds like it would have a lot of fun household hints in it! How funny that your mother-in-law gave you one! LOL! 😀

  6. My husband’s liver must be really tender, he drinks gallons of milk. If anyone ever decided to cut it out and sell it on the black market it would be worth a lot.

  7. Lol Mary Ellen is so smart and savvy. I especially like the tip about using our husband’s toothbrushes on the corn silk. Maybe once you take all the corn silk off, you can put the silk in the blender and make silk juice. Just a thought. I’m trying to channel my inner Mary Ellen here!

    • I think, after reading several tips of Mary Ellen’s that I can safely speak for her when I say that that idea of making juice out of cornsilk is so good she will secretly wants to gouge your eyes out! 😀 And that is really the highest praise anyone can get in the helpful hint industry. Congratulations Lily!!

  8. Hmm… what else has Mary Ellen been using her husband’s toothbrush for, eh?? That’s what I’d like to know!!

    No… no… on second thought, I don’t wanna know… : (

    P.S. Storing Funyuns upside-down will not make them last longer, if Al Gore is within 200 miles of your home.

    P.P.S. Psssst! 37!! I’d keep my toothbrush under lock and key, if I were you!!

    • LOL!! Poor 37! If he’s not worrying about where his toothbrush has been, he’s having to worry about Al stealing all his Funyuns!

      It’s a three-ring circus around here and I must confess I like to keep the rings polished up with 37’s toothbrush. But only until I can locate Al’s! 😀

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