Ark of the Covenant Fudge

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of the Gregory’s Bible Stories. 

Every week, Gregory goes to Sunday School. Every week he comes home and tells about what he learned.

This week Gregory learned about King David.  Let’s listen in as Gregory retells the lesson.

Gregory of the Bible According to Gregory Linda Vernon HumorKing David and the Ark of the Covenant Fudge

Once there was a king named David.  David had excellent fine motor skills and began his meteoric rise to biblical stardom when he killed the giant, Goliath, with his slingshot.  Biblical scholars all agree it would have been much cooler if David  would have used a  yo-yo but the only toy that had been invented up to that point was, unfortunately, the dreidel.

A couple days after David became king, he suddenly realized that, what with all the slaughterings, and what with all  the crazy mix-ups with the Lord, they had completely forgotten about the Ark of the Covenant.  D oy h!

When King David announced he was going to go pick up the Ark  from the town of Kirjath-jearim, there was much rejoicing in the streets because not only was King David their sling-shot idol, but also he pronounced Kirjath-jearim  in such a way that made it sound like “Hawaii”.

So the entire population of Israel followed King David to Mr. Abinadab’s house in Hawaii (who had been using the ark as a coffee table) just as Mr. Abinadab and his two sons, Uzzah and Ahio,  had decided to sell it in their yard sale.

When they saw that the entire population of Israel had shown up for the sale, they were flabbergasted because they hadn’t even bother to put up signs.

Luckily, the Ark of the Covenant hadn’t sold yet as Mr. Abinadab had a 25-goat price-tag on it, which was about 20 goats more than anyone was willing to pay for what looked like the world’s gaudiest coffee table. But King David was nothing if not a good negotiator:

King David:  So how much you want for the gaudy coffee table?

Mr. Abinadab:  We’re asking 25 goats.

King David:  25 goats?  That seems a little steep.  Does it come with coasters?

Mr. Abinadab:  You don’t need any.  You can set anything on it and it doesn’t leave a mark.  I once put a hot pan of fudge on it — and not only did it NOT leave a mark, the fudge was heavenly!

King David:  Hm. . . well I do love fudge. Will you take five goats for it?

Mr. Abinadab:  How about twelve goats and a chicken?

King David:  I’ll give you seven goats and  half a chicken . . .

Mr. Abinadab:  It will have to be seven goats and a whole chicken since I don’t have change for half a chicken.

Everybody watched as the ark was painstakingly lifted  and placed in the royal ox cart. It was pretty heavy owing to the fact that it not only contained the ten commandments on stone tablets but also Mr. Abinadab had forgotten to remove his bowling ball collection inside.

King David: Listen, Mr. Abinadab, since you’ve been such a good sport, I’ll give your sons, Ahio andAzzuh, the honor of driving the royal cart containing the Ark of the Covenant back to Jerusalem.

Mr. Abinadab:  Uh . . . are you sure you want to do that?  They just got their cart licenses and they’ve already racked up a couple of speeding tickets.

King David:  Ha ha!  Well that’s to be expected.  Don’t tell me!  2 mph  in a 1 mph zone?

Mr. Abinadab: No, 3 mph in a 1 mph zone!

King David:  How is that possible?

Mr. Abinadab:  Tailwind.

As the cart began to move, there was a loud burst of music as David and the Israelites (who later became the Tabernacle Choir), started singing, playing harps, timbrels, cymbals, trumpets and something called psalteries which biblical scholars believe was a type of musical pastry.

Everybody was just so darn happy until the wind picked up and Ahio took a corner a little too fast and nearly dumped the Ark.  His brother, Azzuh, put his hand on the ark to keep it from falling and died instantly.

“La la la la la la la uh oh!”
“La la la la la la la what’s wrong?”
“Did you just la la la la la feel that tailwind?”

Naturally, this was a biblical buzz kill of epic proportions and King David realized that in order to carry the ark from Hawaii safely, they would have to stop every six steps and make a sacrifice to the lord which slowed down their progress considerably.

“One two three four five six and sacrifice one two three four five six and sacrifice one two . . .”

Some months later, when the Ark was finally back in Jerusalem, and King David had his feet up on his new coffee table Ark, he couldn’t help thinking about what a great guy Mr. Abinadab and his two one son had been. Not only that, but his Ark of the Covenant Fudge was heavenly.

 

“Careful, watch the fudge!”

And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.  Please come by next week at this time to see what Gregory learns in Sunday school! 

Until next time . . . I love you

Confessions of a New Age Failure

Confessions of a New Age Failure

 meditation

My Karma’s hit a snafu

My third eye’s on the blink

My Chakra lights are dimming

And my Guru is a fink

 

My mantra it has asthma

My Buddha’s out to lunch

To top it off my psychic’s got

Her bloomers in a bunch

Buddah out to lunch_s

 My levitation doesn’t work

My Medium’s not rare

My Kirlian Photography

Just makes me want to swear!

 

My paradigm it doesn’t shift

My Om has left the room

My stupid cosmic consciousness

Is full of doom and gloom

 

My ESP is DOA

My dowser is a louse

My Astral Body’s far too fat

My aura wears a blouse!

psychic

So to  you all I bid adieu

And hope you won’t be bitter

But when it comes to New Age stuff

My higher self’s a quitter

 Thrid eye

A Christmas Visit from Mr. Scrooge

 

A Christmas Visit from Mr. Scrooge

 

 

Linda Vernon Humor Christmas Story
“Here’s your Christmas present, Tiny Tim.  It’s a Schwinn Bicycle.”
“It looks like Necco Wafers to me.”
“Shut up and eat your bicycle.”

Until next time . . . I love you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edgar Allan Poe Cheery Living Magazine

Welcome Dear Readers!  I am so excited! As you may know, from time to time this blog takes it upon itself  to attempt to cheer up American Literature’s most Gloomy Gus, Edgar Allan Poe.  And in that light, I feel this blog is making a little progress.   Check out Edgar Allan Poe’s new magazine!

 

Cheering up Edgar Allan Poe, Linda Vernon Humor

WE can only hope, Dear Readers, that this his new positive attitude has staying power!

 

Until next time . . . I love you

Fun with Global Warming

Welcome Dear Readers to Friday Fictioneers where participants write a 100-word story about the new picture that is posted every week by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields over at Addicted to Purple.

Here’s this week’s cool picture taken by Janet Webb over at her blog, This That and The Other Thing:

Copyright Janet Webb
Copyright Janet Webb

Fun with Global Warming

“I just love Global Warming, Harvey!  I’ve lost ten pounds already on my all-fish diet!”

“You look great, Delores.  Love your shoes!”

“Thanks. I got them at Just Galoshes!”

“Oh no!  Delores!  Our new rowboat’s sprung a leak!”

“What? Where’d you get it? Oh don’t tell me!  Al Gore’s Rowboat Palace and Oar Emporium?”

“Yes.”

“Please say you got a life-time warranty, Harvey.”

“No.”

“A two-year, no-leak service plan?”

“No.”

“A 30-day guarantee?”

“No.”

“Did you get anything?”

“Just a pat on the back and two-week’s free Internet service.”

“That’s it?”

“And Al’s personal assurance.”

“Which was?”

“You’ll never Tipper!”

"Come buy my rowboats!"
“Come buy my rowboats!  Yeah!”

* * *

Thank you Rochelle Wisoff-Fields over at Addicted to Purple for faithfully hosting this super-fun challenge each and every week.

Until next time . . . I love you

Linda’s Video Writing Tips #5

Welcome to Saturday, Dear Readers.  Today I have a writing tip for you!  This one is entitled:

Thinking Outside the Box

Or

It’s just as well Rodney Dangerfield’s Dead

Have a great weekend!

 

Until next time . . . I love you

Linda’s Video Writing Tip #2

Welcome Dear Readers to day #2 of my video writing tips.  Today’s writing topic is inspiration!

 

 

Okay so that does it for today’s tip.  Hope you enjoyed it.  Please check back tomorrow for another writing tip.

Until next time . . . I love you