Edible Tales

Pushing Spanish Olives Down Our 1958 Throats

Linda Vernon 1950's, Edible Tales , , , , ,

Hello Dear Readers! Today as a special treat, we will be revisiting the Imported Spanish Olive Industry of 1958 through the pages of this glorious pamphlet:

The Magic of Olives with 35 delicious new recipes from 1958!
The Magic of Olives with 35 delicious new recipes from 1958!

How the Imported Spanish Olive Industry all Began

Legend has it that back in 1958, a brave Madison Avenue Advertising Executive hitched a ride on a steamboat to a land called Spain where he promptly fell into a siesta (which loosely translated means asleep) under a Spanish Green Olive Tree.

When he awoke, he was famished and picked a Spanish Green Olive off a branch of the tree, thinking it a very strange little Spanish apple of some sort and popped it into his mouth after which he exclaimed “Ay Carumba!  And viola! just like that the Imported Spanish Green Olive Industry of 1958 was born!

The next thing you know, Imported Spanish Olives of 1958 were spicing up practically every dish in America, Canada, and most of Nova Scotia in concoctions like Hacienda Chicken.

Hacienda Chicken which loosely translated means Hacienda Chicken
This dish is called Hacienda Chicken which loosely translated means Hacienda Chicken

In this dish, we are experiencing the joy of Imported Spanish Olives as they siesta (see above for translation) atop an unmade bed of rice — lending much-needed pizazz to the orange objects which deductive reasoning tells us must be the Hacienda Chicken!

Next up we have Olive Salmon Noodle Ring:

This dish is called Olive Salmon Noodle Ring which loosely translated means Hacienda Chicken
This dish is called Olive Salmon Noodle Ring which loosely translated means Hacienda Chicken

In this dish, North Americans of 1958 could experience the magic of  the noodle-salmon- olive teaming the likes of which hadn’t been experienced since the Spanish Conquistadors threw After Conquer Parties in the corridors of the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria!

And notice how the Imported Spanish Olives lend an air of importance to the  salmon.   Surrounding it as if to say, “I’m circling you Mr. Senor or Mr. Senorita!

And finally there’s this shameless blatant shout out to the Spanish Olive:

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What this sandwich lacks in imagination it makes up for in Imported Spanish Olives!  The idea being that even the simplest of North American dishes of 1958 could be made just that much better through the stacking, piling and/or slathering on of Imported Spanish Olives!

And if this doesn’t make the average household of North American want to run to (or possibly from) the dinner table, the Imported Spanish Olive Industry of 1958 doesn’t know what will!

Until next time . . . I love you

The Further Adventures of the Casserole People of 1965

Linda Vernon 1960's decor, Edible Tales , , , ,

Hello Dear Readers!  Remember our favorite family, the Perfects, who live out their perfectly happy lives within the pages of a 1965 Casserole Cookbook?

The Perfects, Father Ken, Mother Kendra, Fine Young Lad Kenny and Girl the Size of a New born Baby with Abilities and Hair Far Beyond Her Years, What's Her Name
The Perfects, Father Ken, Mother Kendra, Fine Young Lad Kenny and Girl the Size of a Newborn Baby with Abilities and Hair Far Beyond Her Years, What’s Her Name

Well this blog is saddened to report that the Perfects have been having a little problem with Perfect Father Ken.  Lately his behavior has become a little uh . . .well see for yourself:

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It all started out one fine morning in the Casserole People Cook Book just after the page had been turned.  Everything was going along as usual.  Perfect Mother Kendra was mixing up a batch of  hot cake casserole and Fine Young Lad, Kenny, and Baby Sister, What’s Her Name, were helping their mother — dressed up in finery with matching chef hats as usual.  Even their dog, Spot, was fully present in both mind and spirit!

But where was Perfect Father Ken?

Father Ken called in sick to work so he could do this.
Instead of going to the office, where Perfect Father Ken had been cheerfully employed everyday of his life since he was six months old, Perfect Father Ken had decided, instead, to enlist the help of the family mouse, KenKen to help him knit.  Naturally Perfect Mother Kendra and the Perfect children handled this very strange turn of events by pretending it just wasn’t happening.

Later that day, Perfect Mother Kendra tried to broach the subject with her Perfect Neighbor Nan.

Nan, I have a question to ask you.Shoot!Does your husband ever have a nervous breakdown?Oh is that all? All the time! I thought you were going to say he was irregular! When that happens I merely give him Seconal! I've got an extra bottle. I'll let you have it."Thanks Nan!Don't mention it.
“Say, Nan, I have a rather awkward question to ask you.  I’m having a little problem with my Perfect Husband, Ken.”
“Shoot!”
“Well, uh . . does your husband, Ned, ever have a nervous breakdown?”
“Oh is that all? I thought you were going to say your Perfect Husband, Ken, was irregular!  Listen, my Ned is always having nervous breakdowns.  And when that happens, I merely give him Seconal! I’ve got an extra bottle. I’ll let you have it.”
“Thanks Nan! You’re a sport!”
“Don’t mention it. After all, what are neighbors for?”

Perfect Neighbor Nan gave Perfect Mother Kendra an economy-sized bottle of Seconal.  Mother Kendra quickly ran home for it was nearly time to prepare the lunch casserole.

The Perfect children watched enraptured as Perfect Mother Kendra prepared Seconal Casserole for the noon day meal.
The Perfect children watched enraptured as Perfect Mother Kendra prepared two casseroles, one for the children and herself, and one especially for Perfect Father Ken.

When she was done she put them both on the table.

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“I must remember that this lunch custard casserole is the one that has the Seconal for Father, and this lunch custard casserole doesn’t . . . or is it the other way around?”

After lunch, Perfect Father Ken took the Perfect children out to play.  When Perfect Mother Kendra peeked outside and saw Perfect Father Ken playing with the Perfect children, she was very much relieved by what she saw.

Perfect Father Ken was back to being his old self!
Perfect Father Ken was back to being his old self!

Perfect Mother Kendra made a mental note to thank her Perfect Neighbor Nan by baking her a Seconal Luncheon Custard Casserole for her lunch tomorrow!

Until next time . . . I love you

How to Tell if You’re Going to Overdo Thanksgiving

Linda Vernon Edible Tales, Holidays, Lists , , , , , , , ,

Hello Dear Readers!  I love Thanksgiving!  It’s one of my favorite holidays.  Every year I cook for my family and every year I look forward to it with great pleasure.  Maybe a little too much pleasure.  That’s why I’ve come up with this list of warning signs on how to tell if you are going to overdo Thanksgiving.

How to Tell if You’re Going to Overdo Thanksgiving
Woman looking pensive with leaves on her head

You’ve replaced the phrase “I love you” with the phrase “Olive you”.

You just got back from Potato Mashing Immersion Camp.

You’ve instructed your surgeon to break ground on that new stomach addition.

Architect looking at plans
“So the way I see it, we can knock out a wall between the belly and the button, and we should have room for an entire bowl of mashed potatoes and gravy.

In preparation for the big feast, you’ve managed to diet down to a size bite.

Even if you were to carry out pi to a million decimals, all forms of pi will be polished off by Friday.

“Of course I didn’t eat all the pumpkin pie! You know I only like apple.”

You’ve taken to sleeping on a pillow of mini marshmallows.

Thanks to you and your voluminous Yam Stockpile the earth will be taking 6 days longer to orbit the sun.

Earth orbiting sun
“Gosh this week is really dragging by. What day is it?”
“Yamsday.”
“Still?”

You made an appointment with your dentist to get your teeth sharpened.

Your new gravy boat sleeps six.

“Move over!”
“No you!”

Your husband Tom is slightly worried about you because his name is Bill.

You’ve been preheating your oven since the 4th of July.

You refuse to read, watch or listen to  anything that isn’t about Jello.

“Honey! Come quick! Look!  There’s Bigfoot!”
“Is he in the form of a Jello mold?”
“No.”
“Is he carrying Jello?”
“No.”
“Then I’m not going to look.”

And the most obvious way to tell if you’re going to overdo Thanksgiving:

Your appendix has been officially called back into active duty for the stomach reserves.

“Ten Hut!”

 

Until next time . . . Olive you

More 1967 Italy Food Recipes from Ruth Conrad Bateman

Linda Vernon Edible Tales, Thrift Store Finds , , , , , , , ,
This 1967 recipe booklet features recipes by Italy Expert, Ruth Conrad Bateman.

Dear Readers. Back in 1967, the reigning queen when it came to Italy Food was this woman.

Ruth loves to cook Italy food but don’t bother Ruth when she is cooking Italy food or talking about cooking Italy food. Can’t you see she’s trying to concentrate?  Ruth is an expert on Italy food. Ruth looked Italy up in a World Atlas. Did you know Italy is shaped like a boot? Ha! Ruth Conrad Bateman didn’t think so.

Now this isn’t the first time this blog has fallen all over itself pointing out the Italy food cooking expertise of Ruth Conrad Bateman, but, obviously,  this blog just can’t get enough of Ruth Conrad Bateman! And who could?

Let’s look a little closer at Ruth’s deep understanding of a country you may or may not have heard of before called Italy.  Here is just a smattering of Ruth Conrad Bateman’s Italy food wisdom. Ruth says:

Good advice, Ruth Conrad Bateman.  So allow this blog to summarize Ruth’s wonderful advice, if it may be so bold:

  • When Italy people get sauced, they want more pasta than sauce, and they like their pasta dressed in butter and cheese.
  • When American people get sauced, they want more sauce than pasta and they don’t care what it’s wearing.

Next here’s Ruth Conrad Bateman’s explanation for how Italy people cook eggplant the Italy way like Italy people do.

Good advice again, Ruth Conrad Bateman! (How does she do it?)  So allow this blog to summarize Ruth’s wonderful advice for broiling  Italy Egg Plant, the Italy way, if it may be so bold:

  • Broil some eggplant

And finally, Ruth Conrad Bateman sets us straight about Italy Meat Sauce Bolognese:

Ruth Conrad Bateman says this Italy sauce is for cannelloni, spaghetti and other pasta. What other pasta?  Ruth Conrad Bateman says if she is granted an audience with the pope who actually lives in Italy and if he gives her a special dispensation to disclose the other pasta  . . then maybe she’ll tell us what it is but don’t  get your hopes up because Ruth Conrad Bateman is kind of a little brat especially about Italy stuff.

Ruth tells us that this recipe for Meat Sauce Bolognese is made of Italy Bologna in the town of Bologna which is the Eating Capital of Italy. This blog doesn’t even have to look at Ruth Bateman’s recipe for Meat Sauce Bolognese in order to summarize it:

  • Even though this Italy recipe is full of Italy balogna
  • It will never be as full of Italy balogna as the weird and wonderful Italy Food Expert Ruth Conrad Bateman!

Uh oh . . . is it this blog’s imagination or is Ruth Conrad Bateman giving us the  Italy evil eye?

Is this the Italy Evil Eye of Ruth Conrad Bateman?

Uh . . . this might be a good time to bid you Salve! Dear Readers — which is Italy talk for “bye”.

Now  . . slowly . . . very slowly . . . let’s just . . . back out . . .  of . . . the . . . . room . . . shh . . .

Until next time . . . I love you.

Vintage Foods from Nineteen Eighty-ewww!

Linda Vernon Edible Tales , , , , , , , ,

Hello Dear Readers.  Hey!  Look what I found from 1982! 

In an effort to include everybody on the face of the earth, this 1982 Time Saver’s Cook Book bills itself as “A People’s Friend Special” with more than 300  money-stretching recipes not to be confused with more than 300 stomach-stretching recipes.

Today we are taking a little trip back in time to the year 1982.  A time when it was considered attractive to wear football shoulder pads underneath all your dresses and a time when every wishbone wish in America was to wake up with cowlicks covering 90 percent of your head.

“Hey, How’d you get your hair to go so good?”
“I wished for cowlicks.”

Let’s take a closer look at the 80’s through the pages of  A People’s Friend Special, Time Saver’s Cook Book and see what people considered edible back in 1982 or as it is sometimes referred to by Food Historians 198eww.

Super Waffles 198eww Style

Now here’s a real 80’s treat!  Waffles covered with things that don’t go with waffles at all. Like tomatoes!  And kidneys! And whatnot!

The recipe says:
Sausage and Tomato and waffles . . .okay
Spicy Bacon and waffles . . . okay
Savory Kidney and waffles . . . uh well, I prefer savory pancreas on my waffles but maybe that’s just me.

Let’s take a closer look at the 198eww deliciousness:

“Dear God! It’s moving!”

Although this looks a bit suspicious, the recipe absolutely insists this is a waffle and not a shingle!  Therefore, what is on it is not what you’re thinking is on it even though it looks exactly like what you’re thinking is on it.

But please don’t think about what’s on it anymore, Dear Readers, because you wouldn’t want to ruin your appetite for:

Whatever This Is

Here’s a chicken recipe that calls for Kellogg’s Bran Flakes. I know you’re  probably thinking the same thing I am right now which is : K E Double L O Double Good! But let’s not be too hasty, Puddin’ (a little cookbook humor, hope you don’t mind) This 198eww recipe is called Crunchy Chicken. But whatever happens when you bite into it, try to remember above all else that it is supposed to be crunchy.

And finally our Pièce de résistance  from 198eww:

Speghetti O Noooooooooo! Pie.  Among other strange items, the recipe calls for one pound of puff pastry thawed.  So at least it’s got thawed pastry going for it!  The recipe also cries out for frankfurters, mushrooms and one beaten (within inches of its life I’ll bet) egg.

Unfortunately there is nothing in the ingredients that would account for the unidentified miscellaneous chunks floating around at large (and small).  Well, we must remember that in the 198eww, absolutely nothing made sense.  Even though we loved pretending it did!

And on that thought, I leave you with:

“Smile.”
“I am smiling.”

Until next time . . . I love you

Picture credits: Detox Zebra.com http://www.zebradetox.com/funny-pictures/extreme-80s-haircuts/
Michael Jackson and E.T.:  The twilight zone of Google

Vintage Foods from Nineteen ThirtyGore

Linda Vernon Edible Tales, Thrift Store Finds , , , , , , , ,

Hello Dear Readers.  On this blog’s never-ending quest to uncover some of the most unappetizing foods ever trotted out in front of the human race, I am pleased to share my latest findings in the form of:

This cookbook from 1934:

Here’s Mary Hale Martin, herself, smiling enigmatically:

Hold onto your salt shakers! She looks so familiar!
the Mona Lisa
Oh I knew I’d seen her somewhere before!

Anyway, let’s take a little journey back in time to marvel at what people actually put in their mouths in 1934 or as it is sometimes referred to by Food Historians, 193gore:

Baked Spinach 193gore Style!

1934 baked spinach
Here’s a hearty main dish of warmed-over canned spinach but not just ordinary warmed-over canned spinach. This is the Leonardo da vinci version of warmed-over canned spinach because it calls for a “speck” of nutmeg. Which in 193gore made it totally gourmet.

In case you’re wondering how to measure a speck, I have it on good authority that you simply show the can of Nutmeg to the spinach and then put it back in the cupboard.

(And I don’t have any idea what Mary’s rich white sauce was but since it was concocted during the Great Depression, I have a feeling it wasn’t all that rich.)

In the mood for a little 193gore Salmon Pie?

1934 Salmon Pie
Here’s something Mary concocted especially for you! What’s that? You aren’t hungry because you feel like you might be coming down with the Black Plague? In fact, you hope and pray you are coming down with the Black Plague to get out of  tasting Mary’s canned salmon pie? Shame on you!

Recipe for 1934 Salmon Pie

See there’s nothing in it that will hurt you.  No need to be frightened.  But if you look closely you will see that Mary has finally come to fiscal terms with the white sauce and has downgraded it from rich white sauce to thick white sauce.  Which is why Mary comes across as someone we can trust — even if she does smile like The Mona Lisa.

And now for the Ultimate 193gore Treat:  Luncheon Tongue Sandwich!

Tongue for lunch
Oh you would have to choose today NOT to get the Black Plague wouldn’t you? The very day Mary has decided to serve you one of her famous Luncheon Tongue Sandwiches! Well, don’t worry there’s an ice-cold glass of syrup of ipecac to wash it down with (temporarily anyway).

Luncheon Tongue Sandwich

That Mary does it again! She has cleverly stuck one can of Libby’s lunch tongue in between an entire loaf of rye bread, 12 pieces of bacon and three tomatoes. Then peppered it with pickles and even went so far as to throw in a very exotic 193gore ingredient called Lettuce!   And all to keep that luncheon tongue from wagging!

Plus Mary has wisely chosen not to mention which animal’s mouth the tongue originally occupied.

Ah!  So that explains the enigmatic smile!

Until next time. . . I love you

The Casserole People of 1965

Linda Vernon Edible Tales, Thrift Store Finds , , , , , ,

Hello Dear Readers!

Today we are going to explore the past via the magic of the pictures in  “The Casserole Cookbook .”  Let’s peek in on the perfect cartoon people of 1965 who populated cookbooks thousands and thousands of minutes ago.

Meet the Perfects of 1965. 

There’s Father, Ken (smoking the pipe), and Mother, Kendra, (wearing the dress) and their children, Fine Young Lad, Kenny, and Girl the Size of a Newborn Baby with Abilities and Hair Far Beyond Her Years who goes by the name of. . . uh . . . oh, who cares what her name is, she’s a girl!

Oh, and there’s also their dog whose name is Spot (in accordance with the United States Government Bulletin Regarding Spotted Dog Names as mandated by item 14.4.3; pages 427.)

And then, of course, we can’t forget the Perfect’s two anti-gravity fish (both named Wanda) who are floating in the air above their heads just in case the Perfects get hungry . . . for fish.

The Perfects are watching a live television broadcast called The Casserole Cookbook Show.

At first glance, you would think they were overly interested in The Casserole Cookbook Show, But you see, the Perfects know they live inside of The Casserole Cookbook.  So it’s kind of like when our astronauts went to the moon and sent back images of earth.

Guess what kind of casserole Kendra Perfect is planning to serve her husband, Ken, her Fine Lad, Kenny and her weird little girl, what’s her name?

If you guessed Roller Coaster Casserole you are not only right; you’re extremely lucky when it comes to guessing.

As you can see, Father Ken has changed into his tuxedo and grown a mustache in order to truly appreciate the subtle flavors of the Roller Coaster Casserole.

And Fine Lad, Kenny, has a huge smile on his face despite the fact that he was born with an inability to cross his legs.

And look!  The Perfects have even gone to the trouble stacking up some government bulletins for weird little what’s her name to sit on so she can reach her fork!

And of course they are all raising their hands in the Roller Coaster Casserole Salute as Mother Kendra steps out from within the pages of their home planet to present her Perfect family with a Perfect Meal. 

And lest we forget, their two fish (the Wandas) are still floating in the air above their heads only now they have been inserted into boxes and gift wrapped and marked with a big letter L!  Why?

Because even the Perfect’s anti-gravity fish know that Roller Coaster Casserole is Lummy in Your Tummy!

Well, Dear Readers, this is probably a good time to bid adieu to the Perfects and let them enjoy their meal in peace by gently closing The Casserole Cookbook and allowing the them to just be perfect!
Until next time . . . I love you.

A Glimpse into the Food Lives of People From the Past

Linda Vernon 1950's, Edible Tales, Thrift Store Finds , , , , , , , , ,

Dear Readers!  What fruitful weekend I had at the Thrift Store.  I was lucky enough to find this Heinz Ketchup cookbook from 1957!

You see, back in 1957, before life was unnecessarily complicated with Twitter, Facebook and the radio alarm clock, people would stay home and cook dishes that required a lot of Heinz Ketchup.

Let’s take a peek inside the pages of these 1957 Heinz Ketchup Prize winning recipes and see if we can get a glimpse into the food lives of people from the past:

 

It’s Red Magic! Hey wait a minute! In 1957, during the height of the cold war against communism, it seems a little odd that Heinz Ketchup would bill their product by saying “It’s Red Magic.”

And the fact that Mother seems to be flirting with a gigantic tomato man wearing a manacle isn’t helping Heinz Ketchup’s credibility either . . .  oh well let’s just keep moving.

 

Okay, here we have Mother cooking with what looks like a radio-active bottle of Heinz Ketchup. But there’s probably a simple explanation.

Mother’s husband, Father, is probably a Nuclear Physicist who sometimes brings home radioactive isotopes from the office to put in the Ketchup bottle to freak Mother out!

That Father always with the pranks!  (Too bad Mother didn’t even notice!)

 

The only explanation for what Mother is doing here is that Father told Mother to take a long walk on a short pier.

Ha! That Father!  Which Mother did, of course, and while she was at it decided to do a little fishing.

Of course, as you can see the radioactive isotope has caused the Heinz Ketchup bottle to fuse permanently to Mother’s hand.  Father. Could. Not. Stop. Laughing.

 

Here are Mother and Father’s children, Boy and Girl. They are eating minced ham and bean sandwiches that Father made for them.

Oh that wacky Father!  He made both Boy and Girl  these Ketchup bean sandwiches and is now hiding behind the Frigidaire spying on them as they try to eat their Ketchup bean sandwiches.

Right about now Father is probably thinking about how he should see if Milton Berle needs any more comedy writers!

 

Hey who’s this?  Why it’s New Mother, of course.  Old Mother had a drowning accident when she was unable to paddle to safety after falling off a short pier due to the Ketchup bottle being fused to her hand. 

But that’s okay because Father found and married New Mother later that day!  And New Mother has just cooked Father a tasty dish of  Green Beans with Ketchup!

Little does New Mother know that Father has just stuck two radioactive isotopes into the casserole dish she’s holding and Father can’t wait to see the look on New Mother’s face when she tries to set the dish down but finds that it’s fused to her hands!

Unfortunately Father didn’t get to see the look on New Mother’s face because just then the phone rang and Father ran to answer it because  — who knows — it might have been that all important call from Uncle Milty!

“I need a new comedy writer. Find out if Father’s available.”

And there you have it, Dear Readers, a glimpse into the food lives of people from the past.

Until next time . . . I love you

Salad Dressing Scientists Explain How to Make Salad Dressing The Scientific Way!

Linda Vernon Edible Tales, What the Scientiests are Thinking About , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Today Dear Readers, I have a special treat in store for you!

I managed to track down a group of elusive scientists and talk them into showing us how to make oil and vinegar salad dressing the scientific way:

First, let’s meet The Scientists:

“Hi! My name’s Joe.”

“Hi!  My name’s Joe too.”

“Hi!  My name’s Joe but people call me Joe!”

“Hi I’m Joe and I’m about as Joe as it gets.”

Let’s take a minute to give our Salad Dressing Scientists a round of applause!

And now . . .how to prepare Oil and Vinegar Salad Dressing the Scientific Way!

Step One:  Reconfigure your kitchen refrigerator so that the reciprocating compressors are working to maximum capacity.

Uh oh!  Watch your step there Joe!

Oh sure it sounds like a lot of work, but really all you have to do is climb up in your kitchen attic (every kitchen has one) and disassemble the compressor.  Vacuum the dehydration system and viola!  Accessible Hermetic Compressors!  Who knew it would be so simple!

Step Two: Stick an olive on the end of a lead pipe.

That’s right!  Just like that!

This will give “slow” Joe (the Joe that’s always getting in everybody’s way) something to do while the other Joe’s continue to prepare the scientific salad dressing.   (Slow Joe LOVES eating olives off lead pipes.)

Step Three:  Adjust the Atmospheric Pressure Valves according to the atmospheric Pressure, PSIA.

OK, this is kind of a pain, but really it’s simply a matter of finding your kitchen’s cellar (every kitchen has one) and going down there and adjusting the knobs until the calibration level is 11.336.847.11111.0000.1.2.2.f.3.4.

If Joe can do it so can you!  Oh and don’t forget to wear rubber gloves!

Step Four:  Take one large Baskin Robbins container, eat all the ice cream out of it, then fill with oil and pour onto the  Refrigeration Compressor

Do it this way like Joe is only don’t get it all over the place like Joe always does.  Joe’s whole house smells like an oily rag!

Step Five:  Stick another olive on a lead pipe and hand it to “slow” Joe as by now he has probably figured out how to put the last one into his mouth.

Poor guy is addicted to these things!

Step Six:  Go to Costco and buy two restaurant sized jars of pickles, eat all the pickles out of each and pour oil in one and vinegar in the other.  (Be sure to remove the finely divided carbon so as not to restrict oil flow, but that goes without saying, of course!)

Make sure the liquid in both containers is Even Steven.

Step Seven:  Pour a little out of both jars onto some lettuce making sure to strain out soluble or entrained metal salts and oxides.

This is a critical step in which everything could go horribly wrong due to low-side pressure in the evaporator — but as long as there is no drop in pressure in the suction line everything should taste pretty darned delicious!

Step Eight:  Have Head Honcho Joe give it a taste test!

Uh oh!  Head Honcho Joe isn’t pleased with the consistency and, unfortunately,  it’s far too late to do anything about that!

Step Nine:  Draw Head Honcho Joe a scientific diagram of just exactly what went wrong with the scientific salad dressing, scientifically.

This will explain everything.

Step Ten:  Offer Head Honcho Joe an olive on a lead pipe and keep feeding them to him until he ingests so much lead he can’t tell a Critical Property of Refrigerant from a Pressure-Temperature Refrigerant! HA!

Mmmmmm . . . .me really starting to likee these things says Head Honcho Joe!

Until next time . . . I love you


Aliens Secretly Study Humanity Under the Guise of a 1960’s Sandwich Cookbook.

Linda Vernon Aliens, Baby Eating and Whatnot, Edible Tales, Thrift Store Finds , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Innocent cookbook or alien agenda?

I know it’s hard to believe, but after carefully examining the above peculiarly worded cookbook from the 1960’s — it quickly became apparent to me that this is not a cookbook at all, but, in actuality, is a scientific study of the human race conducted by aliens from the planet Zorin! 

Shall we turn to the first page? 

Sandwiches for the Small Fry

As you can see by this heading, the aliens are going to great pains to make us believe that they have full command of English language idioms.  Apparently they think these children are idioms.  Apparently they think the entire human race are idioms!

The aliens go on to explain to their fellow Zorinians that sandwiches in the small fry’s  “carried lunch”  should be “made of bread” and that fruit should be eaten out of  the small fry’s “hands” and that “milk should be sent from home in a small vacuum bottle”. 

The aliens stressed that Zorinians should not confuse  “Small Frys”  with “small order of fries” even though both are equally delicious.

Let us move on (quickly!):

 Taste Tempters for Teens

After much concentrated  study, the aliens have ascertained that this is a fair representation of  the typical eating behavior of the human “teen”.  And they go on to state that “teen-agers are a mystery”  — adding that “boy or girl their appetites are immense” even “staggering.”   The report emphasizes that  human “teenagers” have a “bottomless appetite” and an “endless thirst.”  Information that probably raised a Zorinian eyebrow or two (or seven).

The aliens were careful not to get too close.

Next the aliens attempt to enlighten Zorinians about the mystifying behavior of:

Picnic Packables:

As you can see from this heading, when  it comes to alliteration, the aliens are definitely on-board the human-language train!  Even going so far as to use the word, “packables”.  Well they aren’t billions of years more advanced than us for nothin’!

At first, the aliens were in total disarray as to what the father figure pictured above was doing.  But after intensified study,  the aliens came to the conclusion that this particular human being’s lower appendages had collapsed by a whopping fifty percent (perhaps from carting around Picnic Packables?) and when that happens, human beings must squeeze a circular object with their “hands” for prolonged periods of time in order to restore proper appendage positioning.

The aliens got a good laugh out of this one!

Well that’s all we have time for today, Dear Reader, but rest assured there are plenty more Secret Studies by Zorinians about the Human Race hiding within the pages of 1960 cookbooks and I plan to expose every single one of them or be abducted trying!

That is my pledge to you.

Until next time . . . I love you

Strange and Eerie Unexplained Jello Phenomenon

Linda Vernon 1950's, Aliens, Edible Tales , , , , , , , , ,

I was just wandering around in reality as I used to know it, hanging out at my favorite thrift store and going about my life as though the laws of physics still applied, when suddenly I came across this little know pamphlet depicting in great detail, the forbidden knowledge of the strange and eerie Unexplained Jello Phenomenon.

Gulp!

Oh sure, on the surface this little cookbook looks perfectly harmless:

Cookbook for Jello
Joys of Jello? Well that’s what they would LIKE us to think anyway.

And I’m sure innocent 1950’s moms bought it because they wanted to whip up a big ol’ batch of innocent Jello for their big ol’ innocent 1950’s families.

But lurking inside these mild-mannered pages are mysteries so unexplainable, so counterintuitive, so very very hard to explain that it just isn’t explainable no matter how many thesaurus’ a person owns (btw, I only own one thesaurus — as you may have guessed already).

Anyway, getting back to the strange and eerie Unexplained Jello Phonomenon. Let’s start with Exhibit A, shall we?

Obviously the government or something eerily government-like wants us to believe this is Jello.

Please!  It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that this is actually a bona-fide real-life UFO that is obviously utilizing the thrust from an ion antimatter, strawberry propulsion system so that it can zip around planet earth causing havoc all OVER the place . . . hello! 

And if that isn’t enough to convince you that the laws of physics as we know them are totally bogus, may I present, as further evidence,  Exhibit B:

Jello? Are you kidding? Do I really look that naive?

I hate to be the one to have to break it to you, but this seemingly ordinary Jello Upside Down Cake, isn’t fooling anybody (except for maybe you, sorry).  

For  this, Dear Reader, is actually a crop circle.  A crop circle depicting the most beautiful and profound mathematical equation in the history of arithmetic, or failing that, in the history of Upside Down Cake.

As a matter of fact, this crop circle calculates the exact date the world will end while, at the same time, managing to make your mouth water.  And if that’s not proof of cool, other-worldly intervention, I don’t know what is. 

 And now for the final proof.  May I present: Exhibit C.  An exhibit, I might add, that puts the ex in hibit like nobody’s business.  See for yourself:

Can this get any more self-explanatory?

This strange and eerie Unexplained Jello Phenomenon is so blatantly obvious, so glaringly conspicuous, so flagrantly in your face, that I absolutely refuse to  insult your intelligence by explaining it. 

Besides I only own one thesaurus.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

The Government’s Secret String Bean Agenda

Linda Vernon 1950's, Edible Tales , , , , , , , , ,

Hey look what I got for only 23 cents!

Now I know you’re thinking how hard up for fun does a person have to be to go to a thrift store and come home with: Home Freezing of fruits and vegetables (bulletin 10) by the U.S. Department of Agriculture circa 1957 and be pleased as punch about it?

I am.  I did.  And I was.

Back in 1957, everybody who was anybody was into freezing food.

It was practically a national pastime for heaven sakes!  My parents didn’t own a home deep freezer, so they  rented a space in the walk-in freezer at Blower’s Grocery Store. I think I was about six years old, and I remember my mother giving us a lecture each week as she stood outside the Blowers big freezer door.

Here's Mom in the Freezer Halcyon Days

“Now, I’m going in kids.  I want you to wait out here for me.  If I don’t come out soon, go tell Mr. Blower, in case I get locked in.”

“Can we come in too Mommy?” we always pleaded.

“Absolutely not!  You’re small. You could freeze to death.”

Checking to see if limbs are operable
Here's Mom making sure my limbs haven't frozen solid.

Then my mother would assume her head-up, shoulders-back, pioneering-woman stance, open the door to Blowers walk-in freezer and march in like a brave soldier who didn’t hold out much hope of returning alive.

After a few seconds, she’d reappear with a several cuts of meat wrapped in white butcher paper and was always bitterly disappointed at what cuts of meat she managed to grab without getting frostbitten (or something unimaginably worse).

I think my parents might have bought the wrong side of beef –the one without the steaks – because I never heard her say, “Oh goody! Steaks.”

Anyway getting back to my fabulous 23 cent find.  I know that life was more structured in the 50’s, but these GOVERNMENT ISSUED INSTRUCTIONS for freezing string beans make you want to get into a time machine and put a flaming bag of poo on Mamie Eisenhower’s front porch.

Here’s Mamie poised but obviously preoccupied about her string beans

This is how the U.S. Department of Agriculture strongly suggested its female citizenry freeze  string beans in 1957:

Step one:

Ok, they are giving you some leeway here.  1- or 2-inch pieces.  But . . . you must line them up EVENLY first.  And then sliiiiide them all over with the knife to the others — making sure they are Even Steven at all times. AT ALL TIMES!!

Step Two:

You cook the beans and then you PLUNGE  them into cold water to stop the cooking. Don’t ever ever ever just SET them in cold water, they will just keep cooking and cooking and cooking like they’ve been exposed to a radioactive isotope (which, in the 50’s, wasn’t as rare as you might imagine) and we know what happens when that happens.  Radioactive 1- or 2-inch pieces of KILLER STRING BEANS!

Step Three:

This is important now so pay attention.  Don’t even try this unless you have a GOVERNMENT ISSUED String Bean Bag Stand and a Green Bean Funnel.  How else would you put them in the bags for freezing in a home freezer?  Surely not with your bare hands? Frankly, the U.S. Department of Agriculture is practically sick to its stomach that it would even have to mention this.

Step Four

Ok, do you see this?  You must have your string (not to be confused with string beans) precut into what looks like approximately 2- or 2 and 2/16th’s  inches of string placed no more than ¾’s of an inch from the outside of your little finger.

Head space is also quite important.  Because apparently in the 50’s string beans had heads for which one must alott space . . . and if those bags get brittle? Uh Oh.  It’s not going to be pretty.  President Eisenhower might have to send over Mamie to pay you a little visit.

And you don’t even want to know why they called her Mamie.

Until next time. . . I love you

Foodie: To Be or Wanna Be

Linda Vernon Edible Tales, Holidays , , , , , , ,

Gosh I wish I was a Foodie!  If I’m going to carry around extra weight with me everywhere I go, I wish I could at least really enjoy the food I’m eating too much of.

At no time in the  history of the human race have so many wonderful food choices been so readily available.  Yet, do I bother to partake of the exciting noshing to be had from our modern-day food flotilla of stupendousness?

Not really.  I usually just slap some Country Crock on a bagel call it lunch.

My food choices are as marginal as they are margarine.

But why eat this boring choice when I could easily gather together every item it would take to make, say, Holiday Chutney —which I came across seconds ago by googling the Food Network website and picking “Holiday Chutney” at random.

So here’s Cathy from the Food Network under whose tutelage I could explore the excitement of cooking a Foodie-type dish such as “Holiday Chutney”.   After all, Cathy, who has a pretty good job, seems hell-bent on it.

"I'm going to figure out a way to eat this thing if it's the last thing I do."

First Cathy tells us to bake this teeny decorative pumpkin and then remove all the seeds from it — which is what Cathy says she likes  . . . no make that LOVES doing.

YeeeeeeeeeeeHAW!

Well, see that’s the difference between me and Cathy.  Cathy enjoys this type of activity which means she’s living her life to the fullest. Cathy is living in the “now”.

As you can see, Cathy is living in a more fun "now" than the "now" I'm living in.

And  I admire Cathy’s ability to derive so much joy from something like de-seeding a miniature decorative pumpkin. I really do.

As for myself . . . well I suppose if I were to suddenly develop an overwhelming craving for minature decorative pumpkins — due to a serious deficiency in Vitamin A  (probably as a result of eating nothing but  bagels and margarine)  AND if I was stranded at,  say, at the North Pole and the only thing  I could scrounge up was a  dusty miniature decorative pumpkin left over from Santa’s rockin’ Halloween party, I’m  sure I would put as much umph into de-seeding the darn thing as Cathy does, ok?

Holiday decor stuffed with chutney never looked so edible!

So my hat’s off to you, Cathy.  There’s a talent in making Halloween Decor look edible which is something you obviously have in spades!

I just wish I could have seen the look on your face when you picked it up and took a great big ol’ scrumptious bite out of it.

What’s that?  You didn’t eat any?  Well, probably because you’re not hungry, that’s all.

I’ll bet you anything Cathy will take it home with her tonight and maybe later on try feeding it to her little pet guinea pig, Charlie, or failing that, try feeding it to her little husband, also Charlie (just coincidentally).

Whoa Charlie! Save some room for Holiday Chutney!"

So maybe I’ll give this Foodie thing a try. I was going to have a bagel with margarine on it for supper, but now Cathy has me inspired.

I’m looking around this very minute trying to find something to stuff with chutney. And even though I don’t have any chutney, per se, I’m pretty sure I can figure out a substitute.

Well, let’s see . . . I could grab a ball off the Christmas tree, it’s hollow . . .  . . . I’ve got some cheddar cheese . . . maybe I could get the guinea pig involved somehow . . . if you need me I’ll be in the kitchen . . .

Don’t Thank Me, Thank My Noble Metabolism

Linda Vernon Edible Tales, Existence and Stuff, Health and Beauty , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

 

Don’t Thank Me, Thank My Noble Metabolism

It’s Official! My Metabolism Has Finally Reached Zilch

My metabolism has slowed down so much lately that not only will I gain weight if I even look at a piece of cheesecake — so will the person standing next to me.

Metabolism Heaven

Some people complain of a sluggish metabolism. If I could get my metabolism up to sluggish, well . . . I’d be in metabolism heaven, that’s all.

Not the real Metabolism Heaven, but a darn good likeness

I’ve Got a Metabolism That Punches Out at Noon

Now that I’m 68, I get the feeling my metabolism goes home early everyday. I think it’s getting bored with its job. And who could blame it, really. Talk about a backlog of work! Poor Dear.

I would imagine the piles of cheesecake in its In-Basket alone is enough to make even the most dedicated of metabolisms want to call in sick.

What’s a Food Consumer to Do?

Still, even though my heart goes out to my metabolism, it would be nice if it could step up the pace just a little. I’m doing my part by carefully monitoring what I eat. I read all the food labels and whatnot; but it isn’t easy finding a food whose first ingredient is air.

My Life as an Air Fern

I think Mother Nature rigged so it so that 59-old-women can live indefinitely on air to keep mankind from going extinct.

My Metabolism Theory

As far as I can tell, Our Family of Humans evolved so that Grandma could keep the cave clean, do all the cooking plus watch the grandkids without having to eat any actual food — which meant Yippee!! Extra helpings of Kentucky-Fried Mammoth for everyone! (Except you know who.)

Me and My Metabolism, Where Would Mankind Be Without Us?

So I suppose one could say, the more sluggish my metabolism, the more I am actually contributing to the survival of the human race. Each and every time I manage to push away a piece of cheesecake without eating it, I am sacrificing that piece of cheesecake for the global good of my fellow Homo sapiens — because now there is just that much more cheesecake for them to eat.

Thus ensuring the survival of our species.

Who knew something operating at zilch could be so noble?

Until next time . . . I love you

Well at Least the File Wasn’t in the Cake

Linda Vernon Edible Tales , , , , ,

I don’t know if I’m doing something right or if I’m doing something wrong when it comes to manifesting.

For instance, I am a recently converted White Cake Fanatic, and I am always in search of my next wonderfully delicious piece of white cake with white frosting.

Today when I got done getting my back adjusted at the chiropractor’s office, I was offered and accepted a piece of the most delicious white cake I’ve ever had.

It was so good, it was worth putting my back out for.  So that should tell you something (I’m not sure what, but if you find out e-mail me).

Being offered white cake unexpectedly like that made me think that maybe I actually manifested it.  Or at least my inner sweet tooth did.  Which is wonderful and thank you, Universe (Uni) for arranging that.

Then there was the manifestation that happened the other day.  37, (my husband) and I were both in need of a fingernail file.

Of course, there wasn’t a single one to be found so I made a mental note to buy some next time I was out.

I don’t know why I bother making mental notes at all since  my mental note system is horribly flawed. I think Peanuts, my brain, must be filing  my mental notes using the Dewey Decimal System — which I have always found unnecessarily confusing.

But anyway, the good news is that it turns out I didn’t need my mental note anyway, because I completely manifested a fingernail file all by myself!

For you see within the pages of this 1936 Wear-Ever new method of Cooking booklet I found at the thrift store THE VERY NEXT DAY was a . . . well guess . . . .go ahead guess!

Ok, nevermind I’ll tell you. 

A fingernail file!  I kid you not (mainly because I don’t even know who you are).

It happened while I was showing 37 the1936 Wear-Ever Cook booklet — and I was pointing out how it looked more like a 1960’s booklet rather than one from 1936, because it was turquoise and space-agity.  I should know, as I consider myself a fake expert on the subject.

37 was listening and  pretending to be interested when . . . well sir, right then and there in the center of the booklet was a fingernail file!! 

(I was even going to end that sentence with three exclamation points but when all is said and done it was only a fingernail file after all — manifested or no.)

Aren’t you absolutely floored that I managed to manifest that fingernail file so quickly and without even really trying? I know! Me too!

Of course, I would have been a teensy more excited about manifesting it, if it didn’t make me slightly sick to my stomach to find a fingernail file in a cookbook.  But still . . . I’m manifesting stuff aren’t I?  And that’s the important thing.

Until next time. . . I love you