Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about what happened when the Lord made some Promised Land disclosures.
Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.
One day, after Moses and his desert-wandering friends had been shuffling through the sands for 40 years, they suddenly found themselves at their final destination, the hill country of the Amorites and the greater Amorite area.
The Lord: Welp, here you go Moses. The land I promised to give to your ancestors and to their descendants. Now go! Occupy! Enjoy!
Moses: Excellent! I’ll get everybody packed up and– wait a minute . . . did you say occupy?
The Lord: Yeah why?
Moses: But I was under the impression you promised The Promised Land to us because it was already vacant.
The Lord: What do you mean vacant?
Moses: Well I just assumed there wouldn’t already be thousands of people living in the Promised Land.
The Lord: Oh I see what you’re saying. No. You’re going to have to kill everybody or conquer them and make them slaves and whatnot, unless you want to see if they’d be willing to have roommates.
Moses: But don’t you see, it doesn’t really belong to us then. I mean you promised us land that was already being used by other people.
The Lord: Moses don’t bust my chops. I promised it! It’s yours. Badda Bing Badda Boom! Now let me get back to my blocks. Oh and careful when you shut the door to my pillar of fire by night and pillar of cloud by day, huh? You’ll knock over the really really tall block tower I just made.
Moses: You’re playing with blocks?
The Lord: Uh nooooo . . . it’s called creating?
Later a few feet outside the Promised Land:
Moses: Okay, I just sent 12 of you guys to scope out The Promised Land, so what did you find?
Guy#01: It’s got fabulous fruit!
Guy #02: It’s fertile, but it’s filled with people who are a lot bigger and stronger than we are.
Guy#03: And that’s not even taking into account the giants.
Moses: What? Did you say . . . gulp . . . giants?
Guy#04: Yes giants as in people who are mammoth? jumbo? colossal? humongous? elephantine? walloping? ginorm-
Moses: Okay okay. I know what a giant is.
Guy#04: Well you just let me keep going on so I didn’t know.
Moses: Okay listen up everybody. I’m going to go report to the Lord that everyone’s scared to go into the Promised Land.
Guy#05: Uh . . . Couldn’t you just say we’re reluctant?
Guy#01: Be sure to tell Him about the fruit!
Later at the Lord’s Pillar:
Moses: Yoohoo! Knock knock knockin’ at heavens door . . . Are you there Lord? It’s me, Moses.
The Lord: Yeah Moses come on in. Hey lookee how high I got My block tower now!
Moses: Hallelujah! Praise You! Say listen, Lord, I just talked to the 12 guys I sent to scope out the promised land and—
The Lord: Yeah I know. I overheard the whole conversation and I’m angry.
Moses: How angry?
The Lord: Well not angry enough to take My Almighty Hand and send My block tower crashing to the floor, but angry enough to forbid this evil generation from ever setting foot in the Promised Land. Except for one person. What’s that guys name who liked the fruit?
Moses: Caleb son of Jephunneh?
The Lord: Yeah him. He can go but no one else.
Moses: Okay I’ll go tell them they can’t enter the Promised Land.
The Lord: Oh and Moses?
The Lord: That includes you.
Moses: What? Me? But that’s not fair. After schlepping around the desert for 40-friggin’ years for no really good reason other than just cuz — this is the thanks I get? I don’t know whether to scream or to cry.
The Lord: Well, one thing’s for sure. If you slam that door on your way out, and my block tower falls over, I’ll give you something to cry about, young man.
Moses: I’m not young. I’m 600-years-old.
The Lord: Well, you don’t look it.
And there you have it, Dear Readers. What Gregory learned in Sunday school today. Please check back next week to find out what Gregory will learn next.
Until next time . . . I love you