Gregory’s Bible Stories: The Prophet Habakkuk


Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about how the prophet Habakkuk asked the Lord some tough questions.

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregory The Prophet Habakkuk’s Chat with the Lord

One day a prophet named Habakkuk was passing though Babylon when he couldn’t help noticing how cruel and violent the Babylonians were.  And because Habakkuk was a prophet, it mean he had God’s unlisted phone number so he decided to call up the Lord and vent.

Habakkuk:  Hello Lord, you got a minute?

The Lord:  I’m in the middle of  eating lunch. Who is this?

Habakkuk:  It’s me, Habakkuk.

The Lord:  How’d you get this number?

Habakkuk:  I’m a prophet, you give it out to all the prophets.

The Lord: Okay. What do you want?

Habakkuk:  Well, basically I was just wondering how long I must call for help before you listen, before you save us from violence.  Destruction and violence are all around me and evil men get the better of the righteous and so justice is perverted.

The Lord:  Where are you?  Sodom and Gomorrah?

Habakkuk:  No I’m calling from Babylon actually.

The Lord:  Then you must be referring to the fierce, restless Babylonians who are marching across the world spreading fear and terror?

Habakkuk:  Yeah I think so . . .

The Lord:  Just to be clear are you referring to the Babylonians whose horses are faster than leopards?

Habakkuk:  Faster than leopards?  Don’t you mean faster than cheetahs?

The Lord:  What’d I say?

Habakkuk:  You said leopards.

The Lord:  Yeah that’s what I meant.  Their horses are fast but they’re not that fast. But one thing’s certain.  Their horses are like hungry wolves!

Habakkuk:  I thought horses were vegetarians.

The Lord:  What’d I say?

Habakkuk:  You said they were like hungry wolves.

The Lord:   What I meant was their horses paw at the ground while they come down like eagles attacking their prey.

Habakkuk:  Uh . . .

The Lord:  What?

Habakkuk:  Horses can’t fly.

The Lord:  My bad.  I must have been thinking of unicorns.

Habakkuk:  But unicorns can’t fly either.  They’re the horses with the horn right in the middle of their foreheads?

The Lord:  Oh yeah huh.  Well, what’s the name of that horse I created with wings?

Habakkuk:   Pegasus?

The Lord:  Yeah yeah that’s it.

Habakkuk:  So are you telling me that you’ve actually created a unicorn and Pegasus then?

The Lord:  No but I’m gunna.

Habakkuk:  So anyways, getting back to the Babylonians how can you let these treacherous evil men destroy people who are more righteous than them?

The Lord:  Meh.

Habakkuk:  How can you treat people like fish or like a swarm of insects that have no ruler to direct them?

The Lord:  How can I treat people like fish or swarms of insects?  I don’t get the comparison.

Habakkuk:  What I mean is the Babylonians catch people with their hooks.  They drag them off in nets and even worship the nets and offer sacrifices to them.

The Lord:  I don’t get it.  Why do they need nets if they have hooks?  And what’s that got to do with a swarm of insects?

Habakkuk:  Are they going to keep their swords forever and keep on destroying nations without mercy?

The Lord:  You know what, Habakkuk.  We’re going to have to finish this discussion later. My tacos are getting cold.

Habakkuk:  Okay I’ll call you later.

The  Lord:  Uh well actually I’m having my number changed so I’ll have call you back.

Habakkuk: When? Today?

The Lord:  I don’t know.  Later.

Habakkuk:  Later today . . . . tomorrow maybe?  . . . .hello?

Habakkuk
Hello? Hello? Gosh I can’t hear a thing through this stupid halo!

 

9 thoughts on “Gregory’s Bible Stories: The Prophet Habakkuk

  1. *uncomfortable thought raised by Gregory’s story* – The Lord may actually have been CEO, Residential Sales, Planet Earth. I mean, He certainly has the right telephone style…

        • Ermm…the pun on the words: ‘halo’ and ‘hello’ – which also works a second time around as an ironic reminder that we humans are hostages to our dreams of communicating perfectly with our peers.
          Do prophets hear a recorded message if they contact their office after their gods have clocked out and gone to get some fish?
          To me, it is a superb example of a stand-up comedy double-punch. The stuff that stand-up comedians dream of writing.
          Now, you’re gonna tell me that you were born without legs and the whole thread is going to sink like a chocolate bar rested on a kitten’s belly…

          • Oh I get it now. But what about the reference to the Steam Punk era? Sorry to be a bore, I used to say I had a really big dumb streak. Now however, I truly feel that my dumb streak has enlarged to the point where I merely have a smart streak surrounded by an ocean of dumb. (Now, I’m craving chocolate and kittens btw, hope your happy.)

  2. The Lord: How can I treat people like fish or swarms of insects? I don’t get the comparison.

    Hahaha!!

    So you’ve created unicorns and Pegasus then?
    No but I’m gunna.

    Lol!!!
    Oh mom! These make me laugh out loud every time!!

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