Dear Person Who Will Be Dying Sooner Rather Than Later,
Welp. Looks like you’ll be dying soon. But before you go, you might want to consider giving some money to us, The OMG Life Insurance Company.
Here at the OMG Life Insurance Company, we make it our personal business to pry into your personal business. Why? Because the facts are clear. You ARE GOING TO DIE and when you do WE WANT TO MAKE SOME MONEY OFF IT.
YOUR ACCEPTANCE IS GUARANTEED!
That’s right. Absolutely everyone is accepted. There are absolutely no medical questions to answer and no medical exams suffer through. Why? Because here at OMG Life Insurance Company, we know for a fact that, sooner or later, come hell or high water, you’re going to be deader than a door nail.
Here’s how it works:
If you can fog a mirror, you qualify to send us monthly payments. Yes. It’s as simple as that. You keep your promise to die and we’ll keep our promise to give back some of the money you gave us so that you’re loved ones can use it to figure out what to do with you once you’ve kicked the bucket.
Don’t Wait! The Sooner you Apply, The Sooner You’ll Be Covered and The Sooner You Can Die.
Oh sure you might feel fine right now, but don’t let that stop you from enclosing your very first payment to us in the pre-paid postage envelope provided. After all, if The OMG Life Insurance Company cares enough to spring for the postage the least you could do is send us some money every month until you die.
The United OMG Life Insurance Company would love to take this opportunity to remind you that even though you feel just fine, you’re probably not as safe as you think you are and at any moment, you could die from any the following demises:
The Demise of Sudden Spleen Seizure causing you to double over into a ball and roll out your second story bedroom window.
The Demise of a meteorite crashing through your roof causing you to become so startled you accidentally grab the hemlock creamer instead of the regular creamer for your coffee.
The Demise of Decorative-Bed-Throw-Pillow Suffocation where instead of sending us your premium, you use it to buy that last throw pillow that finally tipped the delicate air/bed pillow ratio needle to “uh oh!“
The Demise of slipping on a banana peel causing you to fall and accidentally activate the homemade bomb you were carrying out to the dumpster
The Demise of avoiding getting run over by a drunken chimpanzee driving a stolen steam roller by diving in front of an oncoming bus
The Demise of Poinsettia consumption wherein you cannot! resist! eating! your! delicious! looking! Poinsettia! one! more! second!
The OMG Life Insurance Campany is imploring you to please fill out the form below and send it in the pre-paid postage envelope along with your first payment. Then oh so carefully walk it out to your mailbox. (We recommend you sit on the couch and wear a helmet until your first payment clears.
If you have any questions log onto our website at pushin’updaisies.com where affordable coverage is just a few clicks away.
P.S.And remember! This is a no risk or obligation offer. If you end up not dying, the OMG Life Insurance Company will give you a full, money back guarantee!
So what have you got to lose? Apply today.
Linda Vernon Humor 
OMG! I totally have this life insurance! Although I expect my demise will come from forgetting to tie my shoes and accidentally falling onto the, “This ship will self destruct in 10 seconds” button while simultaneously pulling our set of “Knives so sharp you can cut out defective spleens” knives thereby stabbing my not so defective spleen.
LOL! I know! Tell me about it!
Damn, I laughed so hard, my pelvic floor muscles collapsed upon themselves! Not that it matters. I accidentally put crack instead of raisins into my scones…again, so I’m not long for this world. Now where did I put my OMG Insurance form again?
Not that it matters! LOLILY! I really truly believe with all my heart that if you opened a bakery, Lily, it would be rip roaring success!
I laughed until I peed my pants and I was sitting on he couch so now I have to clean it up. That was sooo funny.
I’m so glad you enjoyed this. And I appreciate so much your taking the time to leave a comment. Especially since you have a lot of “cleaning” to do. LOL! Thanks so much for visiting!
Linda,
The funniest part of this may be, if you got this published in a newspaper, or on some big news website, I bet you’d get over a million people signing up…. Any wager on that?…
Good one, with excellent timing… I got my weekly offer from Mutual of Omaha for the same insurance in the mail today… What a scam insurance is!…. I give them money every month, and the ONLY way for me to make any profit is to die before I’ve paid them the $10,000, which would mean I’d have to die BEFORE I turn 80 to make it worthwhile. All the money I pay them after the $10,000 until age 100 goes to them. Of course, if I do live that long, I get the “policy amount” back, but, what I’d do with the $10,000 at age 100, I’m not sure… Buy some extra teeth, I guess… No matter what, THEY get all the interest from that money sitting in the bank, for 35 years….
I think I’ll just invest in a food puree machine, and keep the $23,000 in payments…. I won’t need the teeth at 100…and I can find somebody’s compost pile to get buried in when I die…. It’ll be good for their next crop….
gigoid, the dubious…
What a nice compliment dubious! If I got this published on a major website, I’d probably have a heart attack and die and my loved ones would get to collect on my OMG Insurance policy. That’s a haiku, isn’t it? I only ask you Dubious because you’re the smartest person I know. I mean anybody who has the wherewithal to invest in teeth and a blender for when they turn 100 has out scammed the scammers!
Dear Linda,
I must confess, I’ve been flirting with Death on the roulette wheel of Demise. I keep betting black, she keeps betting dead. So far, I’ve won two surgeries and a cluster of hemorrhoids. However, I fear she is using marked-cards and has something up her sleeve besides an octopus arms.
LOL Russell! I’m adopting:
“Flirting with Death on the Roulette Wheel of Demise” as my new motto to live (and possibly die) by!
You know I’ve sat here at my workplace desk for 16 years and only no thanks to your good company that I am aware of the pitfalls that I face every day unawares. My stapler just gave me a threatening look too, do you cover office consumable homicide?
Hi Joe! Nice to see your smiling thumb!! I can’t believe the OMG insurance company completely forgot about hazards in the workplace. Oh the horrors of homicidal office equipment. I wondered why the office copier was always asking me which cide I wanted my homi on. (If you need me I’ll be taking my stapler on a little walk out to the dumpster.)
Stick to paperclips, much safer. Until they retaliate by sticking themselves in your eyes if you try and bend them out of shape a bit